Physical contact on the first date

[SarahLancaster]

I actually don't want to go on a second date with him. Besides him being touchy feely, he keeps texting me all the time which honestly freaks me out.

 

Texting you all the time after only one date is pretty creepy. Did you already commit to a second date? If so, how do you plan to discourage it?

[purplepaisley]

I personally don't mind touching, and the level you describe, probably wouldn't bother me at all. I say "probably" because while I don't mind it, I don't know if this guy was touching too much, but I definitely don't mind a higher level than you. I also don't mind holding hands or kissing on the first date. I don't know what is considered "normal," but I do see that a lot of people don't like any high level of touch...maybe none at all...on a first date.

[Wiseman2]

Ok first meets are for data gathering, so what you know is he freely breaks physical barriers in order to forward the physical aspect. Is that for you or not? A hug at the end of the date or holding your hand or arm is not excessively inappropriate. Was he suggestive in texts or in person?

 

All you need to know is if he asks for a second date, do you want to go?

this guy touched my elbow, my arm, and my hair. He also tried to hug me which I find a bit too much, especially since it was the first time I met him.

[kim42]

No I didn't commit to a second date yet, and I already texted him I am too busy this week.

 

Texting you all the time after only one date is pretty creepy. Did you already commit to a second date? If so, how do you plan to discourage it?

[kim42]

The thing is I’m not used to dating complete strangers from dating apps, the guys I dated were all friends of my friends, and we knew each other for some time before we went on a date. I don't necessarily mind light touching on the first date if I know the guy, and we are comfortable with each other. But this was a random guy from Tinder, we were talking for about 15 minutes when he started to touch my elbow. I felt like he was not respecting my personal space.

 

I personally don't mind touching, and the level you describe, probably wouldn't bother me at all. I say "probably" because while I don't mind it, I don't know if this guy was touching too much, but I definitely don't mind a higher level than you. I also don't mind holding hands or kissing on the first date. I don't know what is considered "normal," but I do see that a lot of people don't like any high level of touch...maybe none at all...on a first date.

[Sportster2005]

Hi everyone,

 

I had a date last Friday and although the guy was nice, the thing that put me off was his excessive touching. I’m not a prude and don’t mind a light touch on the shoulder on the first date, but this guy touched my elbow, my arm, and my hair. He also tried to hug me which I find a bit too much, especially since it was the first time I met him.

 

We matched on Tinder and texted for two days before he asked me out, so it was a complete stranger. I didn’t have many Tinder dates so far, all my ex boyfriends were my friends before we started dating, so this concept is pretty new to me. I googled briefly some dating advice and it seems that physical contact on first dates is encouraged. Am I being oversensitive when this makes me uncomfortable? I just find it weird when a man is trying to touch me when he barely knows me.

 

You have different levels of comfort with touching. Some people don't even want another person near them on a first date, others end up in bed. There is no universal right or wrong. You decide for yourself what is appropriate.

 

If you found him too touchy, he's not a good match.

[catfeeder]

Have yo considered setting up quick coffee meets to screen potential dates before investing your time in a full date? Dating bad matches can be exhausting and discouraging. It's become pretty common for people to just set up a bunch of quick coffee meets after work to check one another out.

 

If anyone stands you up, you can just take your coffee to tea with you--nothing lost. Rules are that neither can corner the other to ask for a real date on the spot, but either can send an invite afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes the squirmy after-meet rejection stuff off the table, so bad matches won't keep contacting you.

 

You can spend 15 to 30 minutes to learn whether you have chemistry without wasting a whole date night with anyone you could have otherwise known in 5 minutes is not a match. Most people are NOT our match, and that's just natural odds. Quick meets allow you to keep Nexting until you find the rare needle in the haystack with whom you share simpatico. While you may not screen out ALL bad matches this way, it can spare you some otherwise miserable dating time wondering how to cut the time short.

 

Head high, and trust your own instincts about who you want touching you.

[kim42]

I think it’s not for me, it made me uncomfortable. He was not suggestive, but he was already making plans for the second date while we were on the first date. Also telling me I was amazing after the first date was a little too much I guess. I usually receive the typical ‘I had a great time’ message. Maybe he’s just too pushy for me.

It’s ok though, I don’t expect much from Tinder dates, I just wanted to see what you guys think about this.

 

Ok first meets are for data gathering, so what you know is he freely breaks physical barriers in order to forward the physical aspect. Is that for you or not? A hug at the end of the date or holding your hand or arm is not excessively inappropriate. Was he suggestive in texts or in person?

 

All you need to know is if he asks for a second date, do you want to go?

[kim42]

Thanks, I was just wondering if it's me being too cold but I'll just trust my intuition.

 

You have different levels of comfort with touching. Some people don't even want another person near them on a first date, others end up in bed. There is no universal right or wrong. You decide for yourself what is appropriate.

 

If you found him too touchy, he's not a good match.

[SherrySher]

I don't think you're too cold at all.

 

On a first date some guy tried to kiss me goodnight, I turned and he got a mouthful of hair. What can I say? It's not my deal and I won't be forced.

 

I am now married, my husband was very sweet, didn't push, was romantic but not over the top, didn't expect any physical contact at all the first few dates.

He suited me perfectly!!

 

You know what you're looking for, don't settle for less because others are doing different or telling you it should be a certain way.

[newly]

You’re not too cold. You have expectations of what should/shouldn’t happen and you are right to stick by them. My definition of ‘normal’ levels of physical contact have been guided by what happened on my first dates but I totally go by body language. I’ll tend to leave a hand out a touch longer when deep in conversation and see if she reaches out... stuff like that. If she doesn’t, I don’t force the breaking of the touch barrier. It’s all about being present in the moment and reading the situation. It should feel organic and natural but, most importantly, mutual.

 

It sounds like he may have been completely missing your signals and blowing up your phone with texts afterwards has obviously turned you right off. Go with your gut feeling on it.

[Nickel Speed]

I think a goodbye hug is normal on a first date, and I may go for a kiss depending on feedback during the date.

[kim42]

Thanks for your encouragement!

 

I don't think you're too cold at all.

 

On a first date some guy tried to kiss me goodnight, I turned and he got a mouthful of hair. What can I say? It's not my deal and I won't be forced.

 

I am now married, my husband was very sweet, didn't push, was romantic but not over the top, didn't expect any physical contact at all the first few dates.

He suited me perfectly!!

 

You know what you're looking for, don't settle for less because others are doing different or telling you it should be a certain way.

[kim42]

I might try these quick coffee dates, it's more casual than getting drinks, thanks.

 

You can spend 15 to 30 minutes to learn whether you have chemistry without wasting a whole date night with anyone you could have otherwise known in 5 minutes is not a match. Most people are NOT our match, and that's just natural odds. Quick meets allow you to keep Nexting until you find the rare needle in the haystack with whom you share simpatico. While you may not screen out ALL bad matches this way, it can spare you some otherwise miserable dating time wondering how to cut the time short.

 

Head high, and trust your own instincts about who you want touching you.

[kim42]

I think that's the thing, that he tried to break the touch barrier too soon. Thanks guys for sharing your opinions!

 

If she doesn’t, I don’t force the breaking of the touch barrier. It’s all about being present in the moment and reading the situation. It should feel organic and natural but, most importantly, mutual.

 

It sounds like he may have been completely missing your signals and blowing up your phone with texts afterwards has obviously turned you right off. Go with your gut feeling on it.

[Jennifer2018]

um, Tinder is for people that want to hook up, so thats probably why he was touching you.

Try a dating site, not a hook-up site.

[kim42]

I don't think it's only for hooking up, I know many girls who met their boyfriends on Tinder.

 

um, Tinder is for people that want to hook up, so thats probably why he was touching you.

Try a dating site, not a hook-up site.

[SherrySher]

Well, the majority of people who go on there are actually looking to hook up so maybe your gf's got lucky, but most men on there will be expecting sex on the 1st or second date and are more interested in flings.

 

Tinder has a reputation for that.