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She wants us to start afresh


laskillful
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I'd try to be as brief as possible. New poster by the way.

 

mid-February I caught my gf cheating through a series of chats as far back as 3 months. Apparently she had gotten so close to another guy that by January this year, they were exchanging nudes. It wasn't a dating situation from d chats but two friends doing things. Apparently, Dy both had sex once in January but she ran away Midway into the act and for the next two weeks the guy kept pestering her to come over but she didn't go... Just yet... Till I caught her. She denied the sex for a week B4 later confessing to it and that she realized her error during d act n ran anyway she continued sending nudes n vice versa.(I confirmed this also tru d chats)

 

Let me go back in time a lil. I have not been a particularly loyal bf. Am 28 n she's 22. When I met her she was everything including my "recovery process" when I got heart broken.infact I was her first sex mate. Though she's had bfs B4 me. I met her at 19 but in 2 yrs+ now she isn't yet at the level I wanted her to be. She has just basic high school education and not yet cut out for what she really wants to do with life. I am a banker and maybe I wanted someone closer to my level or at least would be ready to get married sooner but she wasn't.

 

So after 2yrs, I met a lady about my age and she got attached to me. Then months later we strated dating, my gf found out and was mad. I told her how I felt about her current position. It wasn't really because I thought she wasnt valuable enough but I wasn't ready to puncture her chance of a higher education by bringing marriage in.

 

So, I was actually double dating, am not innocent. Both ladies were aware as I couldn't hide and I tried to play a dual role. Yeah right.

 

Now my gf has taken herself on a revenge ride and is sorry about it and wants to be committed regardless. Initially she already said she cared less about the other lady and then she cheated.

 

She wants us back to normal but trust is lost on both sides. She's been crying and pleading. I av asked her to forgive me for cheating first but it's better to cut d relationship. She declined and here I am confused aw to handle it. I still care her and she's quite the calm type

Edited by laskillful
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You're a rather shallow and hypocritical man. If there is no trust then there is no future. You'll both live wondering and accusing each other of cheating all the time. You both should take a time out from relationships and realize how just how badly you have treated each other. Both your behavior is appalling.

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I agree with the advice given. You both are at fault and you have both lost trust with each other. Both of you need to take a time-out from this relationship and other relationships until you can figure out what you want from dating. If you just want sex, stay single. If you can't commit to someone, don't pretend that you can.

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Now my gf has taken herself on a revenge ride

 

- that's exactly what she did, and it's fairly normal for people, especially women, to do a revenge cheat to get back at thier cheating SO. You made your own bed on this one.

 

If you two can stop cheating, she may warm up to you again but she will be moody for months, if not a year or more. You'll just have to bear with.

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Cheating, while awful, tends to be a symptom of larger problems.

 

In the case of your relationship I can't help but see the larger problem being incompatibility. That's major. You're an educated banker, approaching 30. She's a few minutes out of high school, with little direction. Remove the mutual infidelity from the equation, and what do you have? A mismatch, as I see it.

 

You'll likely find yourself frustrated at the the gap in levels, longing for her to "level up"—the very things that led you to stray once. She, meanwhile, will feel the pressure and frustration of pinning her direction to someone who is frustrated with her, of being in a relationship where she has little "power" aside from her youth and attractiveness—the very things that led her to stray.

 

Hard to see that working, if I'm being honest. No amount of forgiveness, compassion, and understanding will change those dynamics. In your shoes I'd take a moment to do some real reflecting on all that, because it sounds like your reasons (and hers) for wanting to make it work right now are more connected to guilt, shame, ego, and a fear of being alone/causing more hurt than the stuff the healthy relationships are founded on.

 

What you have on your hands is a very messy situation. You've both disrespected the other, and the relationship, in ways that will resonate for some time. Can that be worked though? Yeah, it can, in some circumstances. I have close friends who got themselves into something similar, but they were in their 40s, long married, with three kids—a deep foundation. They also, at the end of the day, not only loved each other but had a similar values and goals. They're strong today, but make no mistake: it was years—years—of choppy waters to get stable again.

 

At 28 are you really ready to commit to spending years to see if you can reach something like peace with this woman? Is that a life that sounds exciting? A challenge that thrills? From your tone it does not sound like it. It sounds like you feel bad about what you did, bad that she won't agree to mutual breakup, and are kind of passively exploring the idea of quasi-committing to seeing if you can turn charred coal into gold.

 

The best path forward, for both of you, may be to digest this messy chapter as a lesson, one you apply moving forward on your own and, eventually, with a partner more suited to you.

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It seems what started you on your negative downturn is your idea of her and her lack of schooling/lack of ambition or application of herself. From there, you were enticed by another woman. Beyond your cheating issues in this relationship, you should address your attitude towards her and your feeling of general irritation or being unimpressed with her turn out after highschool. Some individuals don't have ambition and find other means of being fulfilled or people feel useful in other ways. You looked down on her and she sensed it. Not only is there lack of trust, she senses that you don't respect her as an individual.

 

If you want to be with her you both should work on your trust issues, cut out third parties and you need to reconcile whether her lack of ambition as a person or her lack of application in her professional life is something that you can fit into yours. If you ask me, both of you are vastly incompatible and I think your age difference plays a role (differences are more vast the younger two people are). It takes nothing to be a banker except in-house training in mutual funds (not even a degree). A newer generation of bankers have business degrees but they're just glorified sales people (selling mutual funds and various accounts). Sometimes our agitation with others may also be a reflection of how we perceive ourselves in society. If you feel you need to do more schooling to make yourself feel better or more grounded (less judgmental of others), go and do it. You deserve to be happy as an individual and like you're going somewhere with your career.

 

Don't force a square peg in a round hole. If she's not the right fit for you, have the decency to walk away and cut both of you loose. You deserve to feel equally matched and inspired/motivated in your own career. Your partner should fuel your inner curiosities and be able to sustain herself independently of you (and vice versa - mentally/emotionally).

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Cheating back and for for revenge sounds like games. Just end this thing and start anew with someone else. The waters are too polluted here. Next time decide if you want to be casual or exclusive and skip the drama.

 

She claims it wasn't intentional... She just got attached to the chats and d closeness Tru calls. And d moment they were alone. She was only able to pull out after she started the act.

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- that's exactly what she did, and it's fairly normal for people, especially women, to do a revenge cheat to get back at thier cheating SO. You made your own bed on this one.

 

If you two can stop cheating, she may warm up to you again but she will be moody for months, if not a year or more. You'll just have to bear with.

 

Yes I agree I agree on laying my own bed but I feel so devasted. I never thought she'd go that far. I care for her but I feel that ache in my chest. I don't even care about d other gal ryt now, which shows I took a wrong step

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So basically you decided your gf wasn't good enough for you "at your level" so you were open to meeting a replacement but unwilling to cut her loose so she could do the same. That is harsh wouldn't you say?

 

By the way you weren't double dating, you were cheating. Most cheaters hardly every come out and speak plainly and factually about what they have done so don't feel bad.

 

Until you can be brutally honest with yourself why you thought you valued her so little that cheating on her was okay then this will happen again.

 

She also needs to value herself enough to walk away from any man that doesn't love her for who she is and not what her career choice is at that moment.

 

I seriously doubt this can be saved because both of you have not faced the hard truths.

 

From an outsider looking in I simply don't think you two are compatible enough for the long haul. The cheating was just proof that there is no true love between you, just love of convenience.

 

Best to end this so you both can learn and grow and hopefully one day meet the person that is right for you.

 

Lost

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So basically you decided your gf wasn't good enough for you "at your level" so you were open to meeting a replacement but unwilling to cut her loose so she could do the same. That is harsh wouldn't you say?

 

By the way you weren't double dating, you were cheating

 

Thanks, lostandhurt... Yeah i cheated but at a point, even both ladies met themselves after I told her.as a matter of fact they were chatting on WhatsApp. I tried to stop it but didn't work, I wonder what they talked about.

 

I realize I like her a whole lot and still couldn't just let her go, selfish ryt but until this happened. Infact, none of d two ladies wanted to really pull out.

 

Now, she's been crying cos I asked for a break. I saw her 4days later, looking pale and all. I can't just leave her in that state, that's what my head says but my heart aches if I remember. I can imagine she felt that same way, dunno if it's different for ladies tho.

I dunno if I pushed her that hard or it was just her innate self that found it's way. I was expecting her to be stronger till I sorted out my error but it took less than 3 months.

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You two have a very toxic dynamic. Best to end this one for good and work on moving on. Even if you both equally want to forgive each other and "start fresh", it realistically won't work. Acknowledge the incompatibilities and find someone else who is in a similar stage of life.

 

Oh, and just so you don't fool yourself, she didn't meet up with a guy she had been chatting with and accidentally fall on his d*ck. She went there to cheat and doesn't want to fully acknowledge the planned decision, just as you used language that was indirect to describe your own cheating to avoid taking full responsibility for your actions. Remember, two wrongs don't make a right. You both cheating just compounds the damage to the relationship.

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You two have a very toxic dynamic. Best to end this one for good and work on moving on. Even if you both equally want to forgive each other and "start fresh", it realistically won't work. Acknowledge the incompatibilities and find someone else who is in a similar stage of life.

 

Oh, and just so you don't fool yourself, she didn't meet up with a guy she had been chatting with and accidentally fall on his d*ck. She went there to cheat and doesn't want to fully acknowledge the planned decision, just as you used language that was indirect to describe your own cheating to avoid taking full responsibility for your actions. Remember, two wrongs don't make a right. You both cheating just compounds the damage to the relationship.

 

You are right about getting someone in a similar stage of life but she kept saying she could get married while schooling and all...

 

Secondly, about the planning to cheat. I do not know her mind. I read the chat thoroughly, she ran off about 2mins into the act. The guy kept calling her to com back that night but she didn't pick... She didn't speak to him for 5 days... Then Dy chatted again and boom started sending her b**bs again. D guy complained of not really feeling d first act and wanted to have her for real in his words... So they kept chatting about s*xual stuffs but she didn't go visit during that 2 weeks time frame tho d guy kept asking her to. Two things, either she was trying to get over my involvement with the other gal using d chats or she was bidding her time B4 she goes to av a proper sex with him.

Edited by laskillful
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So do you want to reconcile because she is hurting or because you feel this could really work out with a happy marriage and kids one day?

 

I am sure she regrets what she did and wants to forgive you for what you did. The problem is in actually doing the forgiving. IF two people can move on from cheating it can pop up again like a deep cut that heals but the scar remains and every once in a while the scar itches reminding you of that deep cut.

 

If you really want to make this work talk to her and set some sort of time apart so you both can think about what is truly best for each of you, then come together and have a brutally honest discussion and go from there. Why don't you propose total NC for a month and then set a date where you will contact her so you two can talk. That way she knows you will be back to talk it out and you both can use the time apart to see things more clearly.

 

Getting back together for the wrong reasons as you know will not work long term.

 

Lost

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You're telling us what she wants, but maybe we can be more helpful to you if you tell us what YOU want.

 

I realize I do care about her, even setting time apart no contact kind of bothers me. It's quite hard to do. I was with her for a while after d incident... Sometimes I warm up to her, other times I just remember it all and I feel bad. She notices this n get moody too. If there was a way to actually truly put it off my mind, I would work things out. But I find myself thinking bout it even when I shouldn't. But I've asked for a no communication for a month so we both can sort things out personally like "lostandhurt" suggested

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