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Advice for aftermath of first date last night? Went ok but not sure next move...


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Hi There,

 

I went on a first date with someone I met from Hinge last night, we had been messaging for around a month due to various plans not meaning we could get anything arranged until then. I was pretty nervous as I liked it and the month build up to the first date probably didn't help that, we didn't have too much to drink which is probably a good thing but also didn't allow me to come out out my shell enough. It probably led to me coming across as quite shy and overly respectful if you know what I mean - the people pleasing side of me came out and I know I didn't do enough to create a spark, i.e. I didn't go in for a kiss at the end of the date or flirt particularly well.

 

We arranged a second date for next weekend, she expressed interest in wanting to go to a football game when we were on the date - literally by chance I have a spare ticket for a game next Saturday so invited her along. When I got home she messaged me with the following:

 

I really enjoyed tonight too... I don’t know if I felt any sexual chemistry/a spark between us, but felt we got on well...

 

I don’t want to lead you on in anyway, as much as I would love to see them play, I don’t want to give the impression my feelings may change, so completely understand in your rather take someone else x

 

I messaged back saying I completely understand but would like to see her again and perhaps we could go for dinner after work one night next week beforehand, she wrote back saying she would let me know only because she has a couple of other things on in the week and she didn't want me hanging around after work as she knows I finish work a couple of hours earlier than she does (this really isn't an issue).

 

I haven't replied yet and don't want to come across as needy in anyway whatsoever. Any advice as to how I should play it now in terms of messaging back?

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We arranged a second date for next weekend, she expressed interest in wanting to go to a football game when we were on the date - literally by chance I have a spare ticket for a game next Saturday so invited her along. When I got home she messaged me with the following:

 

I really enjoyed tonight too... I don’t know if I felt any sexual chemistry/a spark between us, but felt we got on well...

 

I don’t want to lead you on in anyway, as much as I would love to see them play, I don’t want to give the impression my feelings may change, so completely understand in your rather take someone else x

 

I messaged back saying I completely understand but would like to see her again and perhaps we could go for dinner after work one night next week beforehand, she wrote back saying she would let me know only because she has a couple of other things on in the week and she didn't want me hanging around after work as she knows I finish work a couple of hours earlier than she does (this really isn't an issue).

 

I haven't replied yet and don't want to come across as needy in anyway whatsoever. Any advice as to how I should play it now in terms of messaging back?

 

Looks like you got a new friend who is interested in going to a football game.

 

I don't know where you were going with that whole dinner-after-work-next-week-thing.

 

Did you side step the football game thing altogether, or did you answer her about whether the offer to take her still stood?

 

Either way, why did you try to squeeze another date in when she told you that she wasn't interested?

 

I think you may have over-complicated this whole thing for yourself.

 

I think your first answer should have been either,

 

"I get that you don't want to date me, but come along to the football game anyway. We'll have fun,"

 

or

 

"Thanks for being honest. It was great meeting you and I wish you luck with everything. Good bye."

 

Now, it's sort of a mess. I don't think it matters what you do at this point, to be honest. It's just going to be uncomfortable for you (and possibly her) for a little while.

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I would drop it. Really. It was nice of her to send the text, and it's clear that she doesn't think her mind will change. Why not ask someone else to the game? Yes, you will come across as needy if you persist in wanting to meet again.

Good advice.

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Agree with others and OP if you're still reading and inclined to respond to our posts, it's not your "job" to create a spark.

 

The energy between you just wasn't there in person, which is when it counts.

 

You can't force it to be there by flirting more or anything else.

 

When you think about it, were you "feeling it" with her? I am not talking about physical attraction because of her looks, but did you feel the energy, the chemistry? The "spark" as you called it?

 

I have found when it's there and genuine, it's mutual, energy beyween people usually is.

 

It just wasn't there and that's okay!

 

Don't push it, just let it go and keep going.

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Ugh she's messaged me a few times this evening asking how my days been and that type of thing. I haven't replied as she's clearly not interested but it's so confusing given her texts after the date last night.

 

If she’s reaching out, I’d actually take the initiative and say what Jibralta suggested - “Come along to the game. It’ll be fun!”

 

Who cares if she blows you off? You’ve lost nothing if she turns you down but it sounds to me like you may have the perfect opportunity to improve on that weak first impression you were fretting about.

 

Loosen up a bit if she gives you the chance and see what happens.

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I went back to her and brushed off the dinner thing and just said we'll see how the week pans out in that respect and otherwise lets go to the game and that we'll have fun.

 

Go in with zero expectations and it takes off all the pressure and you can be your best self. If she responds to that, keep it up and escalate.

 

If she doesn’t, then you need to figure out if you’re happy being left in the friend zone and decide on the best course of action. Best of luck.

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Unfortunately, classic friendzoning. Do not waste time on this and start fresh with new women/dates.

Ugh she's messaged me a few times this evening asking how my days been and that type of thing. I haven't replied as she's clearly not interested but it's so confusing given her texts after the date last night.
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She was completely upfront with you that she is only interested in being friends and you responded that you understood. This implies that you accept being friends which is how she will take it. Clearly you want more, though.

 

So this will be a train wreck when it becomes clear to her that you are still trying for more or she starts telling you about a guy she really is interested in. Are you going to hang around and chat like one of the girls about her dating interests? Doubtful. While friendships are great, they are not great when it's based on a lie or wishful thinking. Save yourself a lot of misdirected energy and inevitable disappointment by taking one of the dudes to the game with you. Then keep searching for a woman interested in dating you.

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I've only come across this once back in college and I couldn't really blow her off after I got "friend zoned" as we had almost all of our classes together. Turned out she had recently been dumped by her ex and it was all she cared about and talked about when we'd hang out as "friends" after I gave up. Her mind was elsewhere and this one could be too but if not, always remember if you treat them like friends - shocker - they'll be your friend and the romance part is gone.

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I think she clearly stated that there’s no sexual spark between you two. Don’t message back, let it take its’ course.

 

This whole I’ve got other things going on this week… I don’t want you hanging around after work thing, is to kindly avoid you, I think.

 

Seek for someone else.

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Well I went to the game with her anyway on Saturday, had no expectation. She seemed really excited by it in the week and she went to the club shop on the Friday to buy herself the teams shirt and called me a few times on Saturday morning before we were due to meet to tell me how excited she was.

 

The day itself was such good fun, she didn't stop smiling the entire time and seemed to really enjoy herself. We parted at 7pm as she had to go to dinner with her friends and I had to go to a friends engagement drinks. She then messaged me at 10pm asking if I was still out and wanted to join her and her friends as they were still out in a bar so I got a cab back to her and we stayed out drinking until 2am.

 

Since then she's been pretty quiet and I sent her a quick text yesterday evening asking if she'd had a good day as I know she went to the cinema and for a meal with her mum and sister. She replied saying she the film was good and then I wrote one back asking what the restaurant was like. She didn't reply to that and I haven't sent anything since.

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Not quite sure what you're asking.

 

She had fun with you, you had fun with her. Great! She's been straight with you about her feelings, and it doesn't sound like anything sparkly occurred to shift that, so now it's up to you to decide if you're cool with being pals or if you're not.

 

And, honestly, sounds like you're not if you're feeling stymied by a lack of description of a restaurant. Maybe chill with trying to take the temperature over texts? Stay out in the world, line up other dates, reach out to her if you feel like hanging again, see if she reaches out to you. What will be will be. Right now you're playing a chess game with her while she's just living life.

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