How to let go of the little things?

[Rose Mosse]

Thing is, he does. When we hang out and talk and stuff it's fun. It's just sometimes when he gets busy (not even super busy, busy as in he has like 3 things to do in a day) he tells me he has no time to respond to my texts.

 

It's happened where we planned something tentatively because we didn't know if he had to meet a group for a project at the same time. I had class so I asked him to let me know if he ended up meeting them in that span of time so I wasn't waiting around. He said ok. I finished class, texted him to see if he was available and didn't get an answer back for over an hour and then when he finally did respond he said he was at the campus pub with his group. So when he pulls stunts like this I get mad

 

This is negligence which leads to unfulfillment. If he hasn't learned basic courtesy or doesn't practice it and you recognize it, the onus is now on you to make the decision that's right for you. All a person has to do is display what he/she really is. It's your decision what you want to do with that information.

 

You should be making better choices in the company you keep. If someone does not respect your time, you are under no obligation to spend time with that person. How you choose to handle your relationships is really your responsibility. I'd encourage you to look up and aim higher. A mistake is a mistake which is fine if owned. Repeated unexplained acts of negligence and carelessness are something else.

[egyptianmau]

This is negligence which leads to unfulfillment. If he hasn't learned basic courtesy or doesn't practice it and you recognize it, the onus is now on you to make the decision that's right for you. All a person has to do is display what he/she really is. It's your decision what you want to do with that information.

 

You should be making better choices in the company you keep. If someone does not respect your time, you are under no obligation to spend time with that person. How you choose to handle your relationships is really your responsibility. I'd encourage you to look up and aim higher. A mistake is a mistake which is fine if owned. Repeated unexplained acts of negligence and carelessness are something else.

I really want this to work though, and things like this I feel like he could improve on if he wanted to. I feel like I haven't calmly explained these to him because I'm just figuring out how to word things so people don't get defensive haha. So, the next time something like this happens I'm going to call him out on it and calmly explain to him why it bothers me and why that's not ok. If nothing changes I will have to end things because I just can't be put on the back burner every single time he gets busy

[egyptianmau]

And that is why you're upset. Dating to to get to know someone, not fix and change them.

But I've adjusted certain things about myself. Not changed, that was a bad word choice. I've adjusted, he hasn't and I feel like that should be a 2 way street

[RedDress]

I think there is a lot of analysis and overthink here.

 

I have a cousin who is like this. We’ll have tentative plans. I’ll text at the time to see if it’s still on. I wait 5 mins and then I make a decision and tell him about it.

 

“Ok... well, I’m not hearing back from you so I’m going to go ahead and take a shower/do some errands/whatever it is I’m going to do. Text me later!”

 

Or if he suddenly drops from the conversation:

 

“Ok... so, I see you are busy. I’m going to go do XYZ. Chat later!”

 

I get that it’s super annoying to feel “on hold”... so just “hang up”! Don’t wait for him to end the conversation - if you need that closure - end it yourself!

 

No need to get stressy about it or worry about what you “deserve”, IMO. Just take control of the situation yourself.

 

JMO

[nutbrownhare]

But I've adjusted certain things about myself. Not changed, that was a bad word choice. I've adjusted, he hasn't and I feel like that should be a 2 way street

 

You can't change another person; especially, you shouldn't expect another person to change/adapt/adjust for you if they just don't want to. A relationship which is dependent on both parties changing to suit the other is doomed - very few of us are willing to change in the face of pressure from someone else, and even if we do, the change won't last.

[egyptianmau]

I think there is a lot of analysis and overthink here.

 

I have a cousin who is like this. We’ll have tentative plans. I’ll text at the time to see if it’s still on. I wait 5 mins and then I make a decision and tell him about it.

 

“Ok... well, I’m not hearing back from you so I’m going to go ahead and take a shower/do some errands/whatever it is I’m going to do. Text me later!”

 

Or if he suddenly drops from the conversation:

 

“Ok... so, I see you are busy. I’m going to go do XYZ. Chat later!”

 

I get that it’s super annoying to feel “on hold”... so just “hang up”! Don’t wait for him to end the conversation - if you need that closure - end it yourself!

 

No need to get stressy about it or worry about what you “deserve”, IMO. Just take control of the situation yourself.

 

JMO

This is good. I've never even thought of doing this, Im definitely going to try this becaus e even though I know I skj d very unhappy with these posts, I'm not. It's just been a bad week/couple of days. I love him a lot and don't want to break up but if things are just always going to be like this I just can't do it

[j.man]

Just don't make tentative plans over menial activities. If there's a chance something will clash, avoid that issue altogether and just plan for another time. For many people, "Let me know if it works out we can do [x] at [x]" means they'll inform you of the affirmative, and otherwise leave it to be assumed the event which you both knew could clash did indeed clash. I wouldn't say it's conventionally the most efficient way to communicate, but I hardly consider it negligent. Don't be the martyr no one asked for living life with a pencil and a planner just to work around his schedule.

 

And I wouldn't even play the "I see you're busy" game. What's the point? Either way you're leaving it for the other person to get back to you. 9 times out of 10, it'll just serve as a passive aggressive gesture.

 

To add, I can count on maybe two fingers the amount of things I've "adjusted" with my wife in mind over the 5+ years we've been together. Even then, it was never "for her." I saw a benefit for myself and did it. I didn't keep score and assume now she gets to change in a way I'd prefer. It's easy to live this way when you accept your partner for who they are and you. I can safely say any compromises we make are strictly logistical, never anything related to character or behavioral style.

[egyptianmau]

Thank you everyone for the replies. From everything I've read from you guys I think I'll just be more grown up about things. He is my first bf so there were a couple experiences I wanted to do with a boyfriend but I realize sometimes that it doesn't work out that way and that that's ok.

 

Im going to reset and shake off the things that have happened that last few days. If something comes up again, I will call him out and explain calmly. If that still doesn't work, I guess we're just incompatible, which honestly sucks because I do love him lots

[03222019]

Honestly don’t sweat it. Everyone’s is different with messaging. He could be busy or easily distracted and some people aren’t always on their phones. I can understand it can be annoying but try not to let these kind of things get to you, if he’s a good boyfriend and makes you happy generally that all that matters!

[Cherylyn]

As long as your texting / messaging isn't excessive and if he still refuses to drop you a line and completely ignores you, then he is considered very rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. Discuss this issue with him and resolve it with him. If he refuses to cooperate or compromise, then you need to ask yourself if you want to remain in a relationship with him. He needs to be at least reasonable. Either accept him the way he is or figure out if he's worth it to you or not.

 

Beware. Little problems grow into bigger problems down the road.

[catfeeder]

I like this a lot. Talking myself into being better about this doesn't mean he's taking advantage of me right? In this case it would just be regulating my emotions? I just really don't want to be taken advantage of again because that's what happened with the previous guy.

 

How does not answering a text right away equate to taking advantage of you?