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My journal to help heal.(hopefully!) may contain triggers.


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Hey,

 

So first time i've ever wrote a journal, i wasn't sure about this to be honest but one of my therapists suggested i try it so here i am. This first post may be long winded but i think if i update it fairly regularly it will be a lot shorter from here on in.

 

Little background info: 39/Male/UK. Last relationship 2013-2018. Happy go lucky, bouncing off the walls with energy type of guywho loved life until May 2017 when i had an accident at work, fell and smashed my head/face in. Suffered a mild traumatic brain injury and broken bones physically which i have healed from but mentally i am struggling. Due to my disorders and resulting conditions my timelines may be a bit out of sync so if you are reading this please bear with/forgive me.

 

May 2017 - Was told i was not breathing for a period of time after the fall until works own private health paramedics who happened to be on site revived me. This makes sense as during the time i was unconscious firstly my ENTIRE LIFE flashed before me and then i went through a bright white tunnel, there were no gates like heaven but it was like a bright, white cylindrical room. My deceased family members came and met me, there was a chat, mostly vague but what i remember clearly was they gave me the option to go with them and thus die essentially i suppose. They assured me it was fine and nothing to fear and i didn't need to stay on Earth any longer if i didnt want too so they took me by the hand and i started walking with them and then suddenly i was pulled back into this world by the paramedics.

 

I remember i was paralysed for a few minutes after being brought back round and couldn't communicate as workmates were screaming "Ninja is dead" etc but i wasn't i just couldn't move anything including my mouth. All i could feel was a tremendous physical pain in my head and ribs and i was suddenly aware that i had no memory whatsoever, couldnt answer what day it was etc when the paramedics asked. Rushed to hospital for brain/heart scans and tests, confirmed concussion, broken bones etc but no permanent damage on the brain scans. Was advised by specialist that i would likely soon feel completely out of character, for upto 6 months after a nasty head injury. I lied and told the Doctor i was fine even though i was already screwed but it felt ok as he said it would only last for 3-6 months even if it did come on.

 

Xmas 2017 - i was actually starting to feel better slightly but then suffered another accident at the same place but not as serious, a power tool span and smashed me in the mouth, massive cuts to tongue, sore jaw/teeth and some nerve pains but all better within a month. THis seemed to spin my brain out. I rapidly declined mentally moreso from here. I loathed this job with a passion but it paid so well although it was a very dangerous environment. Looking back it was a bad idea to stay there as it meant i had to see my blood splattered up the walls and floors everyday where the accident happened. Even though they had been washed/faded in you could still see it.

 

Feb 2018 -I started withdrawing and isolating myself somewhat, i cannot cope with the pressure of feeling suicidal, working and renovating a house i purchased for me, my gf and my step daughter to live in. My relationship fell apart although in truth it had started crumbling not long after the accident and some friendships too but luckily they were not my better/stronger ones.

 

March 2018 - My ex dumps me, i feel devastated and blame myself for everything. I continue on anyway and try and convince myself i am fine. I should point out since May 2017 i have been going to my doctor every 2 months complaining about my conditions/symptoms and everytime she tells me "its fine, all this is normal after a head injury, it's just bad anxiety, it will go away". This constant refusal to help me has convinced me that i am insane, after all if my doctor said my symptoms are normal every 8 weeks and then tells me to go away and come back in another 8 weeks then i must be insane right? This where me saying "Im fine" since May 2017 comes from. The docs advice.

 

May 2018 - On the verge of suicide. I still have no memory, no identity, no idea who or where i am most of the time. Time itself is an alien concept. I myself feel like an alien, i have done since May 2017. I have been flaoting above my body watching an imposter control my body for nearly a year now and it has driven people i love away. I decide that i refuse to live like this anymore, i must end it. I am out with friends in a bar on a Saturday night and just have a breakdown in public, tears etc for no reason. Luckily my friends were very supportive and scheduled me an appointment with a therapist for the Monday and told me i must give it a go. I attend the session and immediately collapse on the floor, crying like a baby. We get through the session and within a few weeks of therapy i am feeling better even though far from normal. I am now at this point diagnosed with PTSD which in turn has given me depression, anxiety, depersonalisation and derealization disorders. JUst knowing that i am not alone in these conditions and i am not going insane literally saves my life.

 

Upto the present day i am still seeing my therapist weekly and also recently started seeing a 2nd therapist who specialises in treating PTSD using something called EMDR which is interesting and does seem to be helping. I still have all the disorders i previously mentioned although the symptoms are not as strong. I have taken no medication whatsoever as my i remember my Dad became addicted to them when i was a child after he had anxiety after nearly being murdered. He could flip from a normal guy into a violent raging monster at the flick of a switch if his meds ran out and i didn't want to be like that. No judgement on anyone who does take them we have to do what works out for each of us best.

 

My days are up and down, sometimes it feels like i'm about to recover or i am on the road to recovery at least and then i have a crushing few days where i feel like my body is not mine but at leats it's not 24/7 anymore like May 2017-2018. Depersonalisation and Derealization are the worst disorders i could imagine but now its less so I value the respite from that evilness. I still feel like a shell of my former self. I still have major memory loss although it does seem to be coming back slowly and everynow and then i have major flashbacks and can get a good chunk of memory back that way. My cognitive abilities are still way down on what they were.

 

I have recently been laid off from that awful job and i am fast running out of money as i am upto my eyeballs in debt over the house renovation but everything will work out i'm sure. It has too right? If not i will have to sell my house that i've bust my ass over for 2.5 years and literally nearly killed myself over. It will come good. I believe!

 

Got my first job interview in 5 years in the morning, hopefully when the pressure is on my mind can recall past examples of what they are looking for. Tried to pre-empt it tonight but my mind won't let me access my memores. Frustrating. Still I have more confidence now than i did 12 months ago anyway. Lack of funds means i'm having to cut down on my therapy which is partly why i'm here i suppose. My therapist suggests that doing the journal may help, especially now we won't be doing it weekly anymore after this weeks session. Sorry to anyone who read this for its long winded nature, from now on posts will be a lot shorter but to people who don't know me and my troubles my all-over-the-place mind can cause confusion. Fleshing out the background may help give you an idea where i am coming from. GOnna catch some sleep now hopefully and then nail that job interview!

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Sleep sleep sleep, how I miss you. Never been a big sleeper. Probably average 6-7 hours a night. Since the accident I can now say that's down to about 4 hours a night. Drifted off at midnight, woke up at 3 and then struggled to sleep since. Not feeling physically great going into this interview and mentally fatigued on a level you wouldn't believe.

 

Interview in just under 3 hours and it takes an hour to get there but the actual job will be based 1 mile from home if I get it. Think I will leave now, get to the area early and find somewhere that does a good breakfast and that gives me some energy and clarity.

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I am only supposed to post once a day or when somehting hits me? A 40 minute journey took over 2 hours, so glad i decided to leave 2 hours earlier instead of 1. Made it with 5 minutes to spare. Rushed into toilet before interviewer came to get and manahed to drop all my ID into the toilet and i'd just urinated, arghhh yuck (before i flushed it thankfully) Great start to the day! Interview went ok i suppose, hard to tell when it's your first one in 5 years. I think they liked me, people normally do and my brain kind of rose to the occaision this time! Well done brain!

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Sorry to hear that you have suffered with PTSD for so long. I hope things improve for you soon. 3 decades is too long!

 

Did you get DPDR too?

I have been much much better the past 5 years or so. I do have DPDR as well too. But I have far less incidence than before. After EMDR I feel much more connected to myself . Only if I am really distressed will I have reoccurrence.

 

I hope you feel better too! Those were horrible things to happen.

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Today I woke up and I've slept slightly better. Had about 6 hours but depression is kicking my ass today. I haven't managed to get out of bed yet and I've been awake for 4 hours It feels like there is a 10 ton weight on my chest but I know this will pass.

 

Last week was quite a good week in terms of energy and mood and this week the opposite but I try not to get too carried away either way. One day at a time.

 

Going to get up and shower, eat some food and work on the house I think. Get some small jobs done. Hopefully I hear back about the job soon.

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Just came out the therapy session and ended up talking about my near death experience and how happy i was in that moment to be walking along the pathway to death with my deceased family members. This week a voice in my mind was angry about it. It feels like that was my time to die and those paramedics didn't let me die (I know they are only doing their job and couldn't know). Everytihng was so calm and serene, it felt incredible and since the moment they revived me the last 2 years have been a living hell. I think this is why part of me is angry they saved me. Consciously i do not want to die but it would have been better than suffering this crap daily. This feeling has past now.

 

Finished the session on a lighter note and tried to see the positives in that experience anyway. Heres hoping to a good weekend everyone. Be safe.

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Take heart EMDR can make you mad after. My therapist told me that. That you can feel very strong emotions and rage for a couple days after but it usually resolves .

 

Now about four years out from my treatment I am a lot better . So take heart .

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Thanks Seraphim. I think it was just a bad week. Mood much better this week. No DPDR at all, i know i've cursed it now. It gives me hope that you got relief in the long term.

 

Another interview today, went well, massive paycut, literally 50% but the chance to get paid to become a qualified accountant and learn on the job would be too good to turn down.

 

Getting lots of little jobs done on the house, can't believe its been 2.5 years and still not QUITE finished. Everything is coming together though!

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OK so now i got 2 firms who want me which is great, just need to see those contracts in writing first. Feels like i'm turning the corner after 2 long years in the dark but i know it's not going to be straight forward and there will be ups and downs. It's just nice to feel somewhat human for the first time since my accident.

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Good to hear Ninjabib.

 

I've been following your journey here. Sorry about your accident. You are braver than most people, especially myself.

 

I believe we don't know how strong we are until we have to find out. Same goes for everyone. Thank you for your well wishes and you also Seraphim.

 

The one job have lowballed me. In the interview they offered me pay range X-Y. I said i will accept Y, no lower as it's already less than half my previous salary. They said ok. Sent me the contract and offered me X. I advised this was already rejected and it's ok if they need to take a few days to think about it and reconsider. I havent heard back so i assume they are pulling out. I still have the other job which confirmed all details including salary as agreed so not to worry!

 

Been out of work for aorund 7 weeks now. So bored!! Can't wait to get stuck in. The other job doesnt start till April 29th so just need to get through ther next few weeks.

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My preferred job came back and said they will give me Y once i pass 6 months probation and have put it in writing so i've agreed to go there. Hope i'm not making a big mistake as this hasnt got off to the best of starts already.

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HAd my first therapy session in 3 weeks yesterday which was good because it shows i don't need to go everyweek anymore and i didn't particularly miss it.

 

I will still keep going though. My accident gave me PTSD, anxiety, depression and DPDR. Out of all those i would say i now only have anxiety. MY day to day mood and life is much improved over the last month which is awesome. So from now on he's going to help me work through my anxiety which i'm looking forward too.

 

MY job situation is getting worse, i got a new one but they keep postponing the start date. I now am meant to start ina months time which menas another month of mortgage/bills etc etc payments and no money for another month. In real danger of losing my home so i've got an appointment coming up with the bank to see what can be done. It looks likely that i will either have to sell up or move out and rent my home, neither of which i want to do but sometimes in life we don't have a choice and no matter what i will live to fight another day.

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Had my first DPDR episode in about a month yesterday, thankfully it only last a minute or so. Just so glad it didn't kick in and remain with me all day like it used. Life is slowly getting better.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sadly due to my salary basically being halved the bank have confirmed now they will not help remortgage or consolidate my debts so i am going to have to sell my home. 2.5 years of nonstop hardwork all for nothing. I literally killed myself over this house 2 years ago. All for nothing. What a waste of time. It's true i will walk away with a considerable sum of money but that doesnt even come close to being worth the 2 years of hell i've gone through.

 

What a waste of time and life.

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Yep spoke to the bank and they cannot do anything so i have to get my house up for sale. All this bull5hit for the last few years, literally killed myself over it very briefly which in turn cost me my relationship and after all is said and done i lose the home. Fantastic.

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2 years ago today i had my accident, i don't think i will ever fully be the same. I should be grateful that i am no longer suicidal but i don't know if i can face another 40+ years of having no memory.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well first week at new job, seems pretty easy, the people are cool and once i've finished my days tasks i can head home early! Only downside is the lower pay and night shifts. Still lets see how it goes. After 3 months out of work im just happy to be of use again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

New job is still fine, seem like a genuinely decent company which is the polar opposite of my last job who literally didn't care if i lived or died. Money is a bit better than expected but still can't quite afford to keep my home.

 

Part of me is saying althoguh this job is ok is it what i want to do the rest of my life? Now im single and obligation free i've got the urge to go and teach English around the world, especially the Far East. Stick or twist time in my life.

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