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Why do I keep dating gay men who are pretending to be straight men?


Skatterbunny
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I somehow keep ending up with men who after a while I find out some really strange things about and it's led to me discovering that they have been sleeping with other men or have slept with men in the past and still desire to do so. Yet when you approach the subject they vehemently deny it. Why can't gay men just stay away from straight women. And how can you tell ? Before you fall in love with them. It mAkes you feel like you can't trust anyone...so much for a boys night out haha...everyone suddenly becomes competition. I had trust issues before my last two relationships now I don't think I can trust a man ever again. Majority of them are lying cowards. Can anyone convince me I'm wrong?

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It's not about gay men staying away from straight women, its about you and the choices you make. Don't blame the men for your choices.

 

Yeah, blame is a strong word, and it doesn't buy you anything. I get that the guys you've dated have been deceptive, but how well are you screening before dating? While it's true that you can't control the world, you can set up quick meets over coffee with men on dating apps. Grab a coffee on your way home from work, and if any stand you up, just take your coffee with you--nothing lost. Otherwise, spend 15 to 30 minutes checking one another out with a rule that neither can corner the other to ask for a real date not he spot, but either can invite the other out afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if no, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table and spares you from full dates with bad matches.

 

Most people are NOT our match, so use quick meets to ask practical questions to screen out bad matches. It's a needle in the haystack thing--if you're not attracted, or they don't match your vision of what you want for your future, then Next them. In your case, raise the issue in a straightforward way without sounding accusatory or victimized. "I've been on a bit of an unlucky streak where I've come to learn that my dates are bi-sexual rather than straight. So I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me whether there's any possibility of you leaning that way?"

 

Screening may not feel romantic, but it makes no sense to pursue dating based on chemistry alone. Goals and behaviors are fair game to ask about.

 

Head high. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

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Can anyone convince me I'm wrong?
Unfortunately not. It's a shame those gay men just can't keep their hands off straight women! Yesterday alone, I had to shove away like five coming at my wife like she's Betty White. THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY
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I had trust issues before my last two relationships
Maybe before you put yourself out there again it would be helpful if you worked on those trust issues with a professional therapist so that you have ironed out those (and any other) issues. It will be a good thing

for you if you're going into dating with confidence and a good sense of self worth so that you are brave enough to ask important questions of those you date that will guide you into reaching your dating and romantic relationship goals.

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If it happened many times and the only factor in common is you maybe you should deep analyse what leads you to those guys, since somehow the pattern keeps there and you end up with the same kind of person. Is it the place you find them? What those guys had in commom that could be a red flag next time? I wish you the best of luck and don't blame yourself, they are not being honest from the beginning. But do something to change the way you find those guys so you won't keep getting the same.

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Are they hiding their sexuality or are they bi or just unsure? Are these friends first and then they explain that they are gay? If you are dating/having sex then they are bi. So they are not hiding their sexuality, since dating/having sex with you is part of being bi.

 

However if you recoil from anyone engaging in man-on-man sex, bi, down-low, whatever, that's fine. Next time make it clear that you want one-on-one exclusive dating and if you seem to run into a lot of bisexual men, ask first if they have ever had or want to have sex with men.

it wasnt my choice for them to lie about their hidden sexuality.
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They are not hiding their sexuality -- you are choosing to ignore it. One time, okay - but if it happens two or three times, then the common denominator is that you are choosing men, for whatever reason, are not straight. It could be that you are "leading with sex" - meetng guys on tinder that just want encounters, meeting men in places or who have interests or professions where the percentage of gay men attracted to it is higher, and so forth.

 

I think overall, if you do not sleep with someone right away - date them exclusively and really get to know them first, you will be "nexting" the guys quickly who are not straight or not wanting a relationship and won't feel so invested too quickly

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Gay bars? Please. Do you think men hiding their sexuality hang out in gay bars. And it wasnt my choice for them to lie about their hidden sexuality. You cant make clear choices when you are lied to. Your comment wasnt helpful at all.

 

Of course it’s not your choice to be lied to. I think the real question here is how do you know for sure they are closet gays and not bisexual? And why do you think you are attracted to closet gay men? Because you are the common denominator here and the only one with the power to change your destiny.

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