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SOS: what am I doing?


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Seeking some guidance on this one.


Two months ago, I relocated to a city four hours away from my home to begin a doctoral program. Despite the transition of beginning this new journey, life has been so good, and I find myself really happily single and excited about my future. It’s weird- since moving and focusing on myself, I notice I get asked out all the time. I’m not looking for it. It’s flattering but Ironic- when they say, the moment you stop looking, the moment you meet the one.


Here’s the confusing part:

Recently, I randomly commented on an instagram post to a former colleague who I never really got to know well. Every now and then when I’d see him, we’d smile at each other, make eye contact, have small talk. I always had a crush on him from afar but due to the working environment, never had a chance to get to know him better. After my comment, he reached out to me on instagram and asked me about grad school, life, etc. He does not have my number. It was a pleasant surprise to say the least. He made mention about how much he enjoyed my new city as he has been a time or two before and said: “Maybe I’ll come up one weekend. You’ll have to let me know when you’re free.” Since then, I responded back and I also gave him a couple weekends that I’m off from school break.(Deep down I’d love to see to him and I think we would hit it off. But I would go into this visit with an open mind and at the very least hope to build a friendship). He replied favorably and said one of the weekends works great and said “as long as it’s not weird we’ve never really talked haha.”


I have to admit: I’m pleasantly surprised. I think it would be amazing to see him and get to know him better. I am very happy being single and doing my own thing. At the same time, always open to meeting someone wonderful if they add value to my life and vise versa. My question/concern: I have no idea what his intentions are. Is he thinking he is coming all this way to get sex? I’m a very respectable woman- I would be shocked for a guy to make assumptions like that before getting to know me better? Maybe I’m just naive. Or maybe he genuinely wants to see me? Also- why is this coming out of the blue? I do believe in the universe bringing people together in the right time.


I know we can only speculate what he is thinking but I just wanted a second opinion. Sometimes I am oblivious. Help :(

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Hmmmm......... sounds promising. Why is this happening now? - who knows........maybe he broke up with his girlfriend, maybe it's coincidence.


Is he one of those "right now" guys?! - who knows. It's not easy to find a gentleman these days, but most mature women want them. I hear you.


Anyway, it sounds promising. Keep me updated.

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sounds to me you are over thinking things. He was doing what you were doing admiring you from afar...and he was wondering how to approach you. You broke the ice by messaging on SM. The date is set....it sounds to me it's a meet and greet casual hangout to see if there is any potential. I feel he would have hinted more sexually if that was his intent.


Here are some tips: If he starts suggesting you go to his hotel/place or mentions going to your place, then you will know he's just looking for sex. Just be aware of lovebombing...you know the ol' "you are so amazing", "never met anyone like you", "I can see you being in my life"...saying all those things a lady likes to hear. That's your red flag.

You are an adult woman of free will. You can prevent him from having sex by keeping your legs closed right?

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Well you could ask him.


What are your intentions? Tell him "I find myself really happily single and excited about my future."


Find out what he is thinking.


Now, here is the real question - do you just take it casually - for now -see how it goes. In which case, he gets his own accommodation. Have this discussion while he is there.


Or, do you initiate it before he comes to town, so you know where things stand?


I would suggest communicating about where you each see this going before he commits to coming, others will have a different view.

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I think you might be over thinking things just a little bit. If there was no heavy flirtation and sexual innuendo in your chats, then I doubt he is coming expecting to get laid.


If it's just a day trip, then just plan fun things to do and show him around town and not hanging out at your place. If it's an overnight trip, ask where he plans to stay and recommend a hotel. This makes your intentions clear in terms of not jumping into anything right away. If he says anything along the lines of hoping to stay at yours, just make your boundaries clear and tell him that you don't think that's appropriate. Be direct with things like that.

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I think you've left the invitation a little bit too vague and open to undesirable intentions. When he said he would come up for the weekend, is he assuming he'll stay with you? His comment about not wanting it to be weird is very strange.


You need to suggest a few inexpensive hotels to him to give him the hint that you're not inviting him to stay with you, and tell him something like, "I look forward to seeing you. What about dinner Saturday night at _____"

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I think the way he went about inviting himself there is odd and I agree with Sarah. Normally people suggest going for a drink or a coffee (an activity) as opposed to a broad open-ended self-invite. Don't leave it so open and be clear about what you want to do. Keep it to a lunch or dinner and leave it at that. You barely know this person. He shouldn't be showing up driving around in circles or asking you to come find him if he's geographically challenged or with his weekend bag at your doorstep.

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