Bubbl12 Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 The ego is asking: Is it necessary to have had a crazy youth and early 20s with regularly drinking with the same group of friends, having had a group of friends with whom you had a friendly banter and to have had a strong relationship of teasing each other - to be bale to grow into an adult with a mature and conscious sense of self? I always had a strong inhibition in me towards alcohol and promiscuous love because my dad is an alcoholic who cheated on my mom with several women at the same time. I travelled the world the bit to learn about cultures, worked and volunteered here and there, but actually without getting into any flirting and sex - except for 2 kisses at some parties in Canada. My ego feels wounded, and less then others for not having had an outspoken, more outgoing, promiscuous young adulthood, with more social connections and being part of communities - which usually involves sex and alcohol where I am from. As I grew up I always wanted to be part of the cool kids a bit, but I learned to accept myself the way I am - not so outspoken, but still a bit goofy, versatile, intelligent guy. I often let other guys approach women I liked and take them because I didn't know how to as girls out or engage in a confident conversation with them. I still had a girlfriend when I was 17 but that didn't involve sex, just kissing on the physical level, but we were kind of really close friends who were into each other a lot. I broke up with her, because I was still looking for who I am. I had a relationship of 2 years and I broke up with her as well. It seems that the main reason was that my ego was constantly looking for something, and I even felt jealous at her that she had a youth where she was drinking regularly with her handball team. She organized parties at her house and she posted to her friends on facebook about being drunk and getting drunk together and how cool that is, even swearing sometimes. I haven't ever played sports competitively. This just confuses me as to how reserved a person she was next to me in this 2 years and how much she confessed she loves me and she feels being herself next to me, sharing all our day with each other, speaking or meeting up every evening. This break up was 6 months ago and I am trying to move on, but memories still creep up. I loved her too, but my relationship was a bit addictive to her, I needed her to feel complete and I was losing myself more and more. Although the breakup was the only way out, I could have healed next to her as well.We drank wine twice together and she didn't want to drink with me and also she was getting really interested in yoga, massage, healthy diet and spirituality. I don't want to speak bad words about her, because I deeply respect her, but to me this transition is too sharp, 180 degrees after having learnt how she behaved in her early 20s as to how she was while being with me from when she was 24. For a deeper consciousness, is such a hedonistic youth necessary? Getting drunk after having hangovers, having flings with guys? All the girls I dates so far loved me and accepted me for who I am - which served my ego well - but I wasn't truely in love with them I think, or couldn't tell because I defined love through them serving my ego. This question still is hanging in the air. My ego wants to constantly cover up or make up for what I seemingly have missed in my early 20s - partying and getting drunk - maybe doing crazy things sexually. But I actually don't know whether this is true, this is me, or just my ego taking every opportunity to feel wounded for things other people possess. 28/M Link to comment
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