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Hi all.

 

I have been limited/no contact with my ex since we broke up in June of 2017. My story is on here... he got married to my replacement in May of 2018.

 

I went through hell during and after the breakup. I picked myself up and have been working hard to move on. I am still healing and choose not to talk to him or about him.

 

One of our mutual friends is getting married and i am a bridesmaid. I did not ask her to do so, however she informed me she would not be inviting my ex and didnt want anything to possibly cause any negativity. I told her i appreciate her decision and thanked her for thinking of me.

 

Fast forward- the ex has now found out about his lack of invite and is blaming me. He was using a mutual friend to vent to and told her that friends are picking sides with me out of 'pity' and he has been crying and miserable because "ive isolated" him from everyone.

 

.... i am furious but refuse to let him bring me down as that was my goal of no contact. He told her he feels as if we should be able to exist in the same room now and be civil. I thought he was my soulmate, we were together 7 years. It hasnt been two full years and i will admit im still healing.

 

Anyone have any insight on what this guy is trying to do? he has everything he ever wanted to make him "happy" but now blaming me for his issues. Ugh.

 

Any insight is so appreciated. I plan to just remain no contact and have a fantastic time at the wedding..help!

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Ask your mutual friend to stop running to you with gossip about your ex.
Yes we have an agreement and we usually never speak of him. She asked me if i wanted to know something about the wedding. I asked her to tell me. We are back to no gossip again.
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Yes we have an agreement and we usually never speak of him. She asked me if i wanted to know something about the wedding. I asked her to tell me. We are back to no gossip again.

 

Friend offered bait, you took it, and your discomfort is the consequence of that. To resolve that, skip taking the bait. Since we don't get to control the perceptions or words of exes, it's best to avoid setting ourselves up to want to do so.

 

Head high, and move your focus FORward.

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Yes we have an agreement and we usually never speak of him. She asked me if i wanted to know something about the wedding. I asked her to tell me. We are back to no gossip again.

 

You know to me this is only gossip of you want it to be

 

Exes unfortunately still live on the same planet we do! 😂

 

Half the time even share mutual friends.

 

I actually do not think it’s fair that he can’t be invited to the wedding because youre there.

 

It shows weakness and you aren’t over him, which you fully admit to but again he has a point it isn’t fair.

 

But hey sometimes friends pick sides, to me you have no room to be angry because he’s right what you and your friend are doing is for your benefit, she isn’t being neutral post breakup.

 

It is what it is though... she chose your side you ‘won’ let it go.

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By you going no contact is great. However, No Contact is basically to heal your emotional wounds, placing them in a "time out." Based on what you've shared, your Ex is affected by the lose of connection with the mutual friends more than the time out/No Contact.

As long as his new relationship stays positive he will have that as a distraction not to have to deal with his past - So if he did come to the wedding it would hurt you more than him if you are still emotionally attached. Your friends did good to protect your emotions by not inviting him.

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As long as his new relationship stays positive he will have that as a distraction not to have to deal with his past - So if he did come to the wedding it would hurt you more than him if you are still emotionally attached. Your friends did good to protect your emotions by not inviting him.

 

She’s dating someone else new too...

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Generally, if you invite someone to a wedding, you invite their spouse as well. Maybe your friend didn't want to invite the spouse, either.

 

Also, as you are part of the bridal party, I can understand your friend taking the decision to remove the possibility of some residual acrimony detracting from her wedding day.

 

Anyone have any insight on what this guy is trying to do?

 

Reviewing your posts from 2017, you broke off the relationship in difficult circumstances, basically because you had incompatible views about his smoking too much weed, and a wedding in the style you wanted. And something about anxiety/depression. And then you found out...

 

My ex overlapped with another girl and was in a relationship within a week of me moving

 

So yes, he's playing the victim. It's all about him. He probably (quite wrongly) sees himself as being unfairly dumped by you.

 

As figureitout said in your thread about no contact, when he was trying to contact early in 2018

 

...he’s throwing a fit because he doesn’t get a front row seat of your recovery or get to use you to soothe his own guilt or possible need for an ego stroke...

 

He was badmouthing you to mutual friends back then, and now he is doing it again. It's him breaking your no contact. Trying to get in your head by indirect means.

 

And it has worked.

 

So, as has already been suggested up-thread, do not talk to mutual friends about him.

 

Also, you might re-read LH girl's post #8 in that thread. I think it still applies.

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He's over it. You're not. Your friend recognized that the situation would cause drama on her big day and made a smart call. Don't fret yourself over your ex's reaction. Just as you can't control his words or choices, you and he can't affect the decision your friend made.

 

Maybe the two of you "should" be able to be civil in his mind, but I'm of the opinion that I don't need to share physical space with anyone who has screwed me over intentionally no matter how much time has passed. As others have said, cut the source of the information and keep focusing on your healing.

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I'm 17 months and still not 100%....so I understand.

 

Losing my wife, family and everything else was traumatic for me and now I have CPTSD because of it....Being in the same room as her would cause me big amounts of anxiety and pain.

 

You are a bridesmaid....Far more important than someone who'll just be sitting at one of the tables. I think your friend made the right call....

 

Ex will just have to suck it up....

 

Just my 2 satoshis worth....

 

Enjoy your friends big day :)

 

Carus*

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I'm 17 months and still not 100%....so I understand.

 

Losing my wife, family and everything else was traumatic for me and now I have CPTSD because of it....Being in the same room as her would cause me big amounts of anxiety and pain.

 

You are a bridesmaid....Far more important than someone who'll just be sitting at one of the tables. I think your friend made the right call....

 

Ex will just have to suck it up....

 

Just my 2 satoshis worth....

 

Enjoy your friends big day :)

 

Carus*

Thank you for your kind response. I can only explain my breakup as "traumatic". As much as I am strong and attempting for move forward in my life... the thought of being in the same room as him and his wife makes me extremely uncomfortable and anxious. Im just not there yet. And i refuse to apologize . Just like i cannot control his actions and emotions, he cannot control mine. Its not his place to decide when i should "get over it".

Thanks a lot. Im clearly not over it 100%

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He is indeed playing the victim. That's all there is to it. The thing is that you need to stop assigning so much energy into analyzing his behaviour. It's pointless. You should consider cutting off the friend who baited you into discussing his grievances. As for the wedding, you have zero things to feel guilty about. The bride made the right call on her own. Forget this clown.

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id honestly laugh at the dude,

 

his upset lol i would laugh and not give two stuffs what he thinks, after all he left you for someone else and married them. bet he didnt invite all your friends to his wedding now did he lol

 

just not even care, his got his wife to deal with and his wife has that deadbeat as her husband.

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Ignore gossip and hearsay. Where did you hear all this? He can think /say whatever he wants to whomever he wants. Either go to the wedding or don't. If your friend threw you under the bus and claimed she couldn't invite him because of you, then reconsider that friendship. He most likely doesn't care about weddings and who does or doesn't go. This venom/gossip sounds driven by your "mutual friends", not him. Ask them not to stir the pot and generate drama or you'll bow out of the wedding party.

- the ex has now found out about his lack of invite and is blaming me.
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Thanks. My friend defended me when he confronted her about the lack of invite. He blamed me but she informed him that i had nothing to do with the decision. He did not invite her to his wedding, so it was a combination of keeping me comfortable and prioritizing the guest list. Let him be sad about it.

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It's all hearsay. He most likely couldn't care less about going to a wedding he had no expectation of being invited to. Your friend may be in bridezilla mode thinking the world revolves around a wedding invite from her when in reality only her close friends and family actually care.

 

Why is she telling you all this nonsense anyway and making herself out to be your "defender"? Sounds rather manipulative to bring this up (why bother even talking about it if he's not attending?) then make herself out as some hero.

My friend defended me when he confronted her about the lack of invite. He blamed me but she informed him that i had nothing to do with the decision.
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Agree. Case closed since he's not attending and you've heard all about everything. It ended 2 years ago so you don't need this drama. Just go and enjoy. Hopefully he is deleted and blocked from all your social media and messaging. Why would this friend "assure that he wasn't going to blame me and send berating emails"?

If some other mutual friend tries to raise it, say you are not interested in discussing it.

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Agree. Case closed since he's not attending and you've heard all about everything. It ended 2 years ago so you don't need this drama. Just go and enjoy. Hopefully he is deleted and blocked from all your social media and messaging. Why would this friend "assure that he wasn't going to blame me and send berating emails"?

 

Thanks. Yes blocked and deleted from all methods of social media and communication except for email. We still share real estate together and have been sorting matters out via that line of communication. I no doubt believe that he would've contacted me regarding this matter had my friend not assured him that it was HER decision.

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We still share real estate together

 

Is it a really good investment?

 

Maybe selling it and taking the profit now would be a good idea to shut this off.

 

You should see a lawyer in your jurisdiction - there may be a legal avenue to obtain a court order for sale of the property and equitable division of the net proceeds of sale. In circumstances where the relationship of the co-owners has broken down.

 

The threat of it being transferred to a professional trustee to effect the sale should get him to the table.

 

And the lawyer talks to his lawyer, you don't have to.

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"

Is it a really good investment?

 

Maybe selling it and taking the profit now would be a good idea to shut this off.

 

You should see a lawyer in your jurisdiction "

 

The house was only purchased in 2017. No profit to be gained. I want to be clear of it all and invested very little into the actual house besides mortgage payments while I lived there. I am signing responsibility over to him and his wife. They are taking it over and I become free of all liability. The final chapter to close I hope.

Edited by Natasha207
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Okay good.

 

There is a positive to you to be relieved of liability for the mortgage, if there is no real net gain if it sells now. Even though you are throwing away your equity contributions for no recompense (this somewhat depends on how much was interest, as opposed to capital).

 

But caveat - are you sure the mortgagee is going to completely release you from any personal liability under the mortgage - so you are really clear of it, if the ex defaults?

 

An indemnity from them is no good if they are bankrupt. You need a complete release form the bank.

 

Being a cautious type who has been around the block, I would be saying force a sale. Even if they buy your half from you (at market value or whatever), they have to finance it, the mortgage you were involved in is discharged, and they are responsible going forward.

 

Above all, the mortgagee bank has to sign off on discharging you as a co-mortgagee, or it could come back to bite you.

 

If you haven't seen a lawyer, do it.

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Ray is right - it's not as simple as signing responsibility over to them. They need to refinance in their own name and you need to pay a lawyer to advise you and make certain that your liability is truly terminated. It will be money well spent and you will ensure that you don't get blindsided in the future.

 

Other than that....I mean your ex is actually acting very much in character if you think about it. He cheated on you and he is still the same loser who will lie, play victim, twist reality, etc, etc, etc. He still....sucks.... and that's never going to change. You see, his life isn't really happy and there is no happily ever after with a person like that. He isn't capable of anything such. In a way, your friend just showed you that you aren't missing out on anyone wonderful because he isn't.

 

As for friends, well of course when couples split, people choose who they stay friends with and who they drop. It's only natural. Focus on the friends who have your back and drop those playing both sides, they aren't friends to anyone really, just gossip machines and pot stirrers. Not referring to your friend with the wedding, she obviously stood up for you and has your back.

 

Head high and carry on OP.

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