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It’s been 4 months now. Did I do the right thing?


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After 2 years & over 30 occasions of my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me I called it a day!

 

This was 4 month ago in 2018 & I am still finding it difficult. The last time she broke up with me she said she didn’t love me any more & her life was better without me. Previous to this I managed to set some boundaries & I told her that if she broke up with me one more time then it was over. She called this manipulation but I stood my ground. After we broke up she tried getting back with me telling me she had made a mistake etc. I stood my ground. She came back a few weeks later accusing me of cheating & sayings that’s why I didn’t want to get back with her. She then came back again telling me she missed me. I ignored all texts & emails. She then tried getting my attention by insulting me on social media. She then sent me an email telling me that one of her close family members were terminally ill. I nearly replied to this but I didn’t.

 

So, I have spent the last 4 months trying to figure out what went wrong. It has been suggested to me that she may have had some kind of personality disorder & I am probably co-dependent. I am struggling with loads of thoughts like maybe it was my fault, maybe it was her bad upbringing, maybe I should have been a bit more understanding etc etc. I thought I would post here just to get some opinion & confirmation that I am doing the right thing & that it wasn’t me with the problem. This is the kind of thing that happened during the 2 years:

 

  • Constant break ups over stupid things
  • Felt like I was walking on eggshells
  • Would accuse me of cheating constantly
  • She would check my phone but be protective over hers
  • When she got mad she would start replying with "oh" "right" "whatever"
  • If I didn’t reply to her text messaged instantly even though I explained I was busy at work I would get a text saying ?????? then calling me ignorant.
  • She accused me of spending too much time on social media when she was on there 23 hours out of each day to my couple of hours.
  • She commented that she was above me even though I have a good job, savings etc & she didnt work.
  • She accused me of chatting to women on Facebook even though she checked my phone & found nothing, but she had shown me conversation where’s she had been chatting to men. She was also very secretive with her phone
  • When we were discussing something & I asked her to repeat it or clarify it she refused & said that I should have listened.
  • When we broke up once she insulted me badly. Calling me fat, ugly, grotesque & that she had to get drunk to sleep with me.
  • She would call me idiot, moron, head when she got pissed over something
  • She would drops the kisses off texts as soon as she didn’t agree with something I said
  • I helped her with things that she should have been doing herself then complained that I was doing it wrong
  • She purposely said stuff to see how I reacted then verbally attacked me if I reacted the way she didn’t like so I basically couldn’t win
  • When I said that I was not happy with her behaviour she would say leave then there’s the door
  • She told me that my gifts I bought her were rubbish
  • She would cancel seeing me numerous times then complain we didn’t see each other as if it was my fault.
  • When she was poorly she would cancel seeing me. Because I am understanding I would say something like awwwww ok baby you get better & look after yourself & we can see each other another time. She would then start on me saying that I didn’t sound bothered that we wasn’t seeing each other so I never knew how to reply for the best.

 

She always said that she liked me because I never went anywhere even when the going got bad. I now know that what she actually meant was that I would stay even though she treated me like s**t. All he ex's were violent or cheats. She had certain guys on Facebook that were clearly into her. She made a new Facebook profile & added these guys who started flirting with her. I said that I didn’t appreciate this & she said she adds them to piss them off & make them jealous. I have looked on her most recent Facebook & she’s added these guys again plus added her ex who she has a child to & who she said she absolutely hated. As I said before she was paranoid about me talking to other women. She even got mad because she couldn’t find any evidence of me doing it. She said that I must talk to other women & I said no I didn’t. What I found strange was that she said she had forgotten her Facebook password that’s why she was always on line but then when she came to see me either her battery would be flat or she would be logged out. I can remember her telling me that her mom would turn her internet of when her moms boyfriend was around so that he didn’t catch her chatting to men. I really think my ex was doing this too. I think all the accusations was her projecting. Her mom was always accusing her partner of cheating & publicly on Facebook.

 

Its really tough because after all of this I still care about her but I couldn't go on & I had to put my mental health first. I invested so much into her & I did things for her that I wouldn't do for anyone else. To put that much into a relationship & get told to drop dead & that she was only with me because she felt sorry for me really hurt. I cant even imagine been in another relationship. I find myself constantly looking for red flags in the opposite sex.

 

I am really sorry for the long post. I just want to put this full thing to bed. There has been times when I have felt down & almost contacted her but I haven’t & I have just tried remembering all the things above.

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Dumping her was the best decision you've made in the past 2 years if not longer.

 

What you describe is a classic emotionally abusive relationship. This girl wasn't just abusing and manipulating you, there are plenty of signs she was cheating on you too. Cheating, btw, is just another form of emotional abuse.

 

So did you do right to get rid of an abusive cheater? What do you think?

 

That said, please don't waste your time trying to psychoanalyze your ex. Better put that energy into yourself and what attracted you to this abusive dynamic? What drove you to keep bending over backwards to please someone who is determined to destroy you as a human being? You need to do some serious soul searching and find some honest answers beyond the "but I love her" so that you don't get involved in another dysfunctional, abusive relationship ever again.

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I hope writing this all down is helpful. Whenever you are feeling a weak moment, reread it.

Just because ending it was the right thing to do, it doesn't always mean it feels good.

 

No one is all bad and aside from that you were invested in the dream and it's ok to mourn that.

But it does not translate into a need to return. -Unless you just want more of the same and you are then regarded as a lion with no teeth because you didn't stand behind your hard line in the sand.

 

Break ups are hard. It doesn't matter what side you are on.

Hang in there.

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Dumping her was the best decision you've made in the past 2 years if not longer.

 

What you describe is a classic emotionally abusive relationship. This girl wasn't just abusing and manipulating you, there are plenty of signs she was cheating on you too. Cheating, btw, is just another form of emotional abuse.

 

So did you do right to get rid of an abusive cheater? What do you think?

 

That said, please don't waste your time trying to psychoanalyze your ex. Better put that energy into yourself and what attracted you to this abusive dynamic? What drove you to keep bending over backwards to please someone who is determined to destroy you as a human being? You need to do some serious soul searching and find some honest answers beyond the "but I love her" so that you don't get involved in another dysfunctional, abusive relationship ever again.

 

I know deep down it was the right thing to do but I have must have some kind of problem like codependancy. I cant understand logically why I would put up with things like that. Anyone else would have finished it after the 2nd or 3rd break up. Why did I carry on? All I can assume is that I have a very low opinion of myself.

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Literally can't believe you would want to get back with her or even consider. She is trash. Forget her.

 

I dont want to get back with her but I have considered making contact with her which I suppose is just as bad. I can see logically that it was a very toxic relationship.

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I hope writing this all down is helpful. Whenever you are feeling a weak moment, reread it.

Just because ending it was the right thing to do, it doesn't always mean it feels good.

 

No one is all bad and aside from that you were invested in the dream and it's ok to mourn that.

But it does not translate into a need to return. -Unless you just want more of the same and you are then regarded as a lion with no teeth because you didn't stand behind your hard line in the sand.

 

Break ups are hard. It doesn't matter what side you are on.

Hang in there.

 

It does help writing it down & rereading it. It makes me see that there was a lot going on that I should of not had to put up with.

 

I know I cant go back now. Someone told me that if you go back to an emotional abuser it gets even worse as they know you are weak & the abuse just gets worse. She did say that I am stubborn & it will only be a matter of time that I contact her again once I know I have made a mistake & then it will be too late as she will have moved on. She was even trying to manipulate me saying that. She contacted me the 2nd time after the final break up & asked me why I would never go away! I though eh it was you who contacted me?

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I know deep down it was the right thing to do but I have must have some kind of problem like codependancy. I cant understand logically why I would put up with things like that. Anyone else would have finished it after the 2nd or 3rd break up. Why did I carry on? All I can assume is that I have a very low opinion of myself.

 

Those are a lot of good question you need to be asking yourself.

Give it time. Learn the lessons now.

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Don't understand why you returned after the second break up. It should have been clear that you were not compatible, yet you went for 28 more rounds. Learn from this!

 

You probably have not blocked her yet, and still involved in the drama. This is/was so unhealthy

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Don't understand why you returned after the second break up. It should have been clear that you were not compatible, yet you went for 28 more rounds. Learn from this!

 

You probably have not blocked her yet, and still involved in the drama. This is/was so unhealthy

 

You cant understand it because you clearly dont have some underlying problem as I do.

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After 2 years & over 30 occasions of my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me I called it a day

 

I stopped reading at that point. As East would say, she has registry errors, eveything seems to be defaulting to the drama.dll app.

 

Consider yourself lucky you called it off before she did yet again, forget her. Somebody better will come along.

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Codependency doesn't require you to return to a bad relationship 29 times. I had codependent tendencies and I addressed those by attending group meetings and by removing myself from people who I tended to place above my own personal well being.

 

I'm curious, why do you want to contact her? What would be the point, and what would you say?

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I stopped reading at that point. As East would say, she has registry errors, eveything seems to be defaulting to the drama.dll app.

 

Consider yourself lucky you called it off before she did yet again, forget her. Somebody better will come along.

 

I do logically know that this would of just carried on & on if I didn't stop it when I did. It has taken me a lot of work to get to the stage where I did stop it. I have been no contact now since before Christmas 2018. This is good for me as previously I couldn't ignore her.

 

If I look from the outside & imagine my friend was going through the same I would have told him to get rid ages ago but when it came to me I found it so difficult.

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Codependency doesn't require you to return to a bad relationship 29 times. I had codependent tendencies and I addressed those by attending group meetings and by removing myself from people who I tended to place above my own personal well being.

 

I'm curious, why do you want to contact her? What would be the point, and what would you say?

 

Just because you were able to address your codependency doesn't mean everyone else would as easy. Look at it this way. There is obviously something wrong with me somewhere. Why would I keep putting up with this s**t. It's either trauma bonding or something else that I need help with. I had 8 sessions of therapy which helped me to stop it & call it a day.

 

I didnt say I wanted to contact her I said "There has been times when I have felt down & almost contacted her but I haven’t & I have just tried remembering all the things above."

 

She broke up with me over 30 times & I got back with her each time. This time I have gone no contact but I am not going to lie & say that it has been easy & yes there has been a few times when I have nearly caved in but I haven't.

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OP, you were getting something out of this toxic dynamic.

 

Are you going to block her? Will you get therapy?

 

Yes I agree as why else would I put myself through this for 2 years? My parents were always fighting & i was always trying to fix it plus due to a rare medical condition I was made to feel different has a child. I now believe that the combination of this has led me to have this belief that I need to fix things plus my self esteem is so low I believe I do not deserve any better.

 

I have blocked her on Facebook but I have a business account which I was using to look at her profile. I know I need to block this too. I have no idea why I keep looking at her profile. It's like I am looking for confirmation that she is hurting or messing over some other guy like she did too but then I'm obviously seeing her flirting with guys & posting pics etc.

 

I had 8 therapy sessions last year. I have emailed them again today to see if I am able to have some more. I am in the UK & its free sometimes but I am not sure if I am entitled to more. I am waiting for a reply.

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Just because you were able to address your codependency doesn't mean everyone else would as easy. Look at it this way. There is obviously something wrong with me somewhere. Why would I keep putting up with this s**t. It's either trauma bonding or something else that I need help with. I had 8 sessions of therapy which helped me to stop it & call it a day.

 

I didnt say I wanted to contact her I said "There has been times when I have felt down & almost contacted her but I haven’t & I have just tried remembering all the things above."

 

She broke up with me over 30 times & I got back with her each time. This time I have gone no contact but I am not going to lie & say that it has been easy & yes there has been a few times when I have nearly caved in but I haven't.

 

It wasn't "easy". Why do people always insist that those of us who post think these things should be "easy"?

 

I stayed in an awful relationship for 4 years. I tolerated things that no healthy person would consider tolerating. The only way I got out was because HE dumped ME. And my greatest fear was that if he tried to come back I would accept him.

 

So I removed myself (moved 400 miles away) because I kept contacting him and driving by his house at 5 am and I knew being too far away was the only way I would stop. It worked. I now feel not one single urge to have him in my life. He's tried, but I am now able to stay away. I don't even find the thought of him attractive one bit. It took me about 5 years before I finally totally had nothing to do with him.

 

So no, not "easy". Nothing worthwhile is "easy". It takes dedication and work and pain. But I had to ask myself, do I want to continue living my life this way? And the answer was "no way". So I had to do whatever it took.

 

It seems like you are headed in a good direction. Not having any form of contact for over 2 months is a good start.

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It wasn't "easy". Why do people always insist that those of us who post think these things should be "easy"?

 

I stayed in an awful relationship for 4 years. I tolerated things that no healthy person would consider tolerating. The only way I got out was because HE dumped ME. And my greatest fear was that if he tried to come back I would accept him.

 

So I removed myself (moved 400 miles away) because I kept contacting him and driving by his house at 5 am and I knew being too far away was the only way I would stop. It worked. I now feel not one single urge to have him in my life. He's tried, but I am now able to stay away. I don't even find the thought of him attractive one bit. It took me about 5 years before I finally totally had nothing to do with him.

 

So no, not "easy". Nothing worthwhile is "easy". It takes dedication and work and pain. But I had to ask myself, do I want to continue living my life this way? And the answer was "no way". So I had to do whatever it took.

 

It seems like you are headed in a good direction. Not having any form of contact for over 2 months is a good start.

 

Sorry if I sounded patronising or cruel. It sounds like you had a very difficult time but I am glad you feel better now. You must know how I feel then if you were contacting him when you know you shouldn't. It took me 2 years to build up enough strength & it been 4 months now & I have resisted her hoovering attempts but it is still hard. It has really messed with my head. She broke up with me constantly plus made me feel so low & worthless. All I keep seeing in my head is her calling me grotesque & how I am below her. This then makes me think that I may have been better just putting up with her s**t because I cant be worth much more.

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He dumped me for a woman he was cheating on me with, and you know what I told people? "I want to be the one he turns to when it all goes bad with his girlfriend". Yep, I actually said that! I wanted him back even though he treated me horribly, cheated and dumped me. Man, was I sick back then.

 

But I didn't want to be sick.

 

And it's not love when you think the opinion of someone so awful is important. And that you should base YOUR opinion of yourself on what that horrible person says.

 

Are you attending any therapy or groups currently?

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Yes I agree as why else would I put myself through this for 2 years? My parents were always fighting & i was always trying to fix it plus due to a rare medical condition I was made to feel different has a child. I now believe that the combination of this has led me to have this belief that I need to fix things plus my self esteem is so low I believe I do not deserve any better.

 

I have blocked her on Facebook but I have a business account which I was using to look at her profile. I know I need to block this too. I have no idea why I keep looking at her profile. It's like I am looking for confirmation that she is hurting or messing over some other guy like she did too but then I'm obviously seeing her flirting with guys & posting pics etc.

 

I had 8 therapy sessions last year. I have emailed them again today to see if I am able to have some more. I am in the UK & its free sometimes but I am not sure if I am entitled to more. I am waiting for a reply.

 

Great that it is over! Great that you got therapy and recognize your issues!

 

Have you blocked her number and emails so that she cannot reach out?

 

Glad you will continue with the therapy.

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He dumped me for a woman he was cheating on me with, and you know what I told people? "I want to be the one he turns to when it all goes bad with his girlfriend". Yep, I actually said that! I wanted him back even though he treated me horribly, cheated and dumped me. Man, was I sick back then.

 

But I didn't want to be sick.

 

And it's not love when you think the opinion of someone so awful is important. And that you should base YOUR opinion of yourself on what that horrible person says.

 

Are you attending any therapy or groups currently?

 

Thats terrible :( but I understand fully how you must have felt as I kind of feel the same even though logically I dont. It's a fight between my mind & heart but luckily my mind is winning.

 

She once said that she thought of other men when we had sex because I didn't do anything for her & I still took her back & continued to sleep with her thinking that she was probably thinking of some other guy. This sort of stuff really damaged my already low self esteem but she apologised & said she didn't mean it so all was ok :/

 

I am not attending anything apart from spending time with some great friends. I am just waiting for a therapist to get back to me for some possible therapy.

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