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Need Advice Regarding a Complicated Family Situation


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Hi,

Sorry if this turns out to be a long post. So.. I'm 25 years old and thanks to the lousy economy, I'm still living with my family. Which for me would be my grandma and my aunt instead of my parents. Don't ask. Anyways, my grandmother is a sweet lady but she's also incredibly controlling and prone to bad mood swings. For an example, last summer I was working my butt off to find employment and ended up getting offered a lousy job "working in sales" AKA standing on the side walk in front of supermarkets trying to sell cellphones and other products. I considered taking it...until my grandmother found out, half lectured and half yelled at me for an hour for considering that job, and told me I wasn't allowed to use her car to go to work if I took that job. So my aunt keeps trying to step in to help me out and she's being relatively polite about it. Basically just saying "Mom...back off a bit.". BUT that leads to my aunt and my grandma bichering when I'm not home and I end up hearing two different stories about who said what.

 

My AUNT'S side usually sounds something like this: Grandma confronted her about her butting into everything and she simply said that she's trying to keep the peace. Didn't mention any conversations my aunt and I had about her or anything.

 

My GRANDMA'S side usually sounds like this: "Well, I confronted your aunt about her butting into everything and she said you always complain about me to her and I don't understand why you can't come to me about anything and YOUR AUNT IS MEAN TO ME WHEN YOUR NOT AROUND."

 

My main issue: Should I tell my aunt about what my grandma is accusing her of and ask her why she's saying I complain about grandma behind her back? (I have to admit, I do, but I'm just venting. And half the time I blame her behavior on her pain pills or something.) I think if I do confront my aunt but my grandma ends up being right about her, that's just going to cause more trouble. My other issue: This is the third time this has happened in the past few years. You know, my aunt tried to help me out and depending on who you believe, either purposefully made things worse or simply had everything she said blown out of proportion. Which brings up the other issue.... Who the heck should I believe here?!?!?! My grandma is known to blow things way out of proportion (especially if it's something she doesn't want to hear) BUT my aunt has also been known to have a mood swing, say something, and then deny it later on. Help!

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Its probably best if you dont tell your family all of your business.

What job you take (as long as it isnt illegal) shouldn't be anyone's business but your own.

 

The less info you tell them the less arguments there will be, and save as hard as you can to move out!

 

Good luck!

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No you should not tell your aunt. It will solve nothing and it will only create more drama. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. You now know that your aunt can't help you so there is no point in involving her. Your priority should be in finding a job so that you can move out the soonest possible.

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Do you pay rent or contribute to the household? Try not to contribute to or create conflict while you are there. Do not pit them against each other.

I'm 25 years old and thanks to the lousy economy...

I wasn't allowed to use her car to go to work if I took that job.

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Do not tell anyone anything unless you are just dying to pour a barrel of oil on the fire just to see how big of a flame you can get out of that. You will get burned badly. Stay out of it.

 

Keep out of the house as much as possible. Since you have a job now, offer to work more hours, let your boss know you are available for anything he needs. Basically, make as much as you can. If you want to vent, then vent to your friends. Disengage from sharing things with either one of them as much as possible. Unless you live in an area where you simply can't get around without a car, I'd say focus on moving out first and car second.

 

Understand also that no matter how much you try to avoid, they will try to pull you into their toxic dynamic. Draw boundaries and resist that as much as you can. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Keep telling yourself that. Focus on moving out and how to achieve that while spending as little time at home as possible and maintaining only polite superficial chit chat when you are home about neutral topics like the weather.

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BTW, don't blame "the economy" - my area and two areas where family live in have companies begging for help, including the company i consult for. Lots of them will train you - lots of companies hurting for machinists, skilled trade. If your field you want to work in isn't hiring you, you could get some skills to get a well paying job. Figure out who is hiring -- there are loads of jobs out there. Unless you are living in another country, the market is actually pretty great.

 

I would be the one to break the "she said" cycle by keeping my mouth shut. Nobody can play you if you won't play.

 

yup. great point

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sounds to me like you could be dealing with a narcissist (grandma). My mother is one. She constantly would be fighting about something with someone in our family she lived the drama and she was always right (in her mind). If we tried to help out a sister against our mother she would turn on them even worse so, just try to stay out of their way and move out as fast as you can and get on with your own life. Good luck.

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