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Many people hate me and it's my own fault - how do I move on?


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Thank you for reading my post. Before I begin (and I feel pathetic for saying this) but please could you go easy on me as I'm feeling very fragile right now. That's not to say I don't want honest answers, but please don't be unnecessarily harsh.

 

Recently, I let down my best friend (who is more like a sister) in a major way. I let myself down and I let down everyone who knows us. To cut a long story short, I drank alcohol to the point where I don't remember most of the night and I don't remember a thing about the end of the night. I wouldn't usually drink that much and I definitely wouldn't if I went out into town as I know it's not safe. But it was only my me and my friend in the house so I didn't think anything bad could really happen even if I drank too much. I thought it was safe to let myself go. But that was a huge mistake. Her husband came home drunk and apparently kissed me and I was kissing him back (more than once). Not in front of my friend, but she found out (the way she found out is a whole other story. I didn't even know what had happened until she told me about it). I honestly don't understand it. I've never had any attraction to him or feelings towards him (and obviously still don't!) and I genuinely know that when sober I would never do anything to hurt my friend. I love her so much. I am completely disgusted with myself and honestly so confused. I really don't understand.

 

That was 5 months ago. Since then, I haven't been drunk and I will never be again. I was drinking every night and getting drunk every weekend but I had no idea that I was capable of losing myself so much as nothing like that had ever happened before. Now, I will never drink too much again.

 

I have a bf and when he found out, he was shocked and upset at first, but he stood by me as he knows how out of character it was. My friend was obviously too hurt to do the same. She told everyone she's close to and also people she's not that close to (all of her colleagues, friends of friends, etc.,) - A LOT of people. Word spread and even more know now.

 

My friend has now said that she wants to try to move passed it and be friends again. We've both acknowledged that it will take work, but we love each other and have been through so much together.

 

I am obviously so grateful to have her back in my life. I don't know what I would do without her.

 

The problem is, her family and friends are less forgiving. I completely understand it - they care about her and they don't know me like she does. Basically all of them now hate me and think I'm an awful person - and again, that is a lot of people.

 

I'm now too ashamed to go out in public. I've withdrawn completely. I don't go to places I used to go. I've been depressed since I found out what happened. I've suffered with insomnia since. I can't concentrate at work, it's on my mind all the time. When I'm not at work, I just stay in the house. I recently felt strong enough to go out and try a new activity where I'd meet new people, but I was just paranoid that someone would know someone who knows what happened, and they'd eventually find out. So I withdrew again and won't be going back.

 

I can't move area because my son goes to school here and his family are here. So I have to stay here. But how do I go on like this? It's been 5 months and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't know how to carry on like this for much longer, never mind forever. Maybe I don't deserve to. I just don't know. My bf says I shouldn't care what they think but I can't help it. I knew all of my friends through her, now they hate me. her family, who I've known since I was a teenager, now hate me. People who I don't even know now know who I am and view me as a horrible snake. I'm not close to my parents or siblings. I feel like I've really f'd my life up forever and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like a shell of who I used to be.

 

I hope that this post doesn't make it seem that I care about my own feelings more than those of the people I hurt - trust me, my main concern is them. I'm just not sure how to move on. I know that I should just accept this as my punishment, but I don't know how to live like this. It's been months and I don't see it ever ending. Even if they're not thinking about it now, they will when they see me. If my name gets brought up, that's what will come to mind. I just don't know how to move on.

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This is less about what you think others are thinking and more about your personal guilt and shame and essentially projecting that out to everyone around you.

Your boyfriend forgave you, your friend forgave you. Now YOU have to forgive yourself. Stop self flagellating, it's not going to do anything for you or anyone who cares about you. While you are busy with all this self loathing, you are ignoring people who love you - your bf, your son, your friends.

 

You aren't the first person on this planet to get drunk and do some really stupid sh$t that you'd never even think about when sober. People have done much worse than you. Guess what? Everyone moves on because....stones and glass houses..... Nobody really hates you, nobody is really a saint who has never done anything stupid while drunk, etc. Things happen, then the dust settles and everyone moves on to the next bit of new drama. Focus on this - you friend forgave you and resumed the friendship, so others will follow in time.

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You really need to forgive yourself. As mentioned, your friend and bf have, and others will in time.

 

You have taken positive steps regarding the alcohol, and That's a great first step.

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I agree with the others, you’re being way too hard on yourself. We’ve all (well, a lot of us) done stupid sh*t when we were far too drunk. Stuff that our conscious mind can’t even understand. *raises hand* Been there.

 

You’ve stopped getting drunk, you’ve apologized profusely, it’s time to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. No one should have to pay for their mistakes forever.

 

 

You didn’t murder anyone...you don’t deserve a life sentence.

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Most people aren't going to remember or care about this, so isolating yourself is only keeping YOU mired in your own head--where you are not behaving as your own friend.

 

While I'd avoid any gatherings involving the friend's family, I'd make a point of going out in public, especially with the friend. She's already 'endorsed' you, so carrying that endorsement with you as you rebuild your own external life is your best bet.

 

If you believe that that's too much to ask of yourself, then hiring professional help to learn some tools and techniques for managing your own internal spin would be worth the effort. You can also work out with the therapist how you might handle any public confrontations in the rarest odds of a 'worst case scenario'. Then you'll feel more equipped to manage your inner dialog as you venture out.

 

There are no judges or juries to whom you are accountable on this except for the ones you're holding in your own head. Recognizing this and doing the work to liberate yourself from drilling yourself into a deeper hole would be the wisest investment you can make.

 

Head high.

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Lemon, I also think therapy will help immensely. But especially go to a therapist that specializes on addiction therapy. They will guide you to self forgiveness while also encouraging you to take responsibility for your choices (which it sounds like you are doing).

 

This also sends a message to others that you are serious about making sure this (or worse) will never happen again.

 

My niece and SIL go to support groups and it really helps them. Both have been clean/sober for a few years.

 

Even if you don't view yourself as an addict/alcoholic, that type of support will help you get past this!

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  • 1 year later...

It's been over a year since I wrote this and things are so much worse. I know it's my fault.

 

My friend kept saying that she wouldn't change her mind about moving on (she sensed I was anxious about that), that things would just take time and that she didn't blame me anymore. That went on for about a year. Then she messaged me one day and said she'd changed her mind and that she doesn't want me in her life any more and that I'm an awful person. We haven't spoken since.

 

Not a single day has gone by where I have felt OK. For 14 months (even when she said she wanted to move on) my heart has felt heavy every day. Getting out of bed is a struggle. I can't get to sleep. I cry almost every day. Cant concentrate at work. Some people kept telling me it would get better with time but it doesn't. Have had therapy but it didn't work. I'm sick of living this way and if this is how life is from now on then I really don't think I can continue. That must sound extremely insensitive at a time like this when many are fighting for their lives. I feel terrible thinking it and I look at my son and think that I could never do that to him. But some days it just feels like I can't go on anymore.

 

My good memories from our 15 year friendship (childhood through to late-twenties) now hurt more than any bad memory I have. I didn't bond with my family growing up (we were never close). Instead I spent most of my time with her and her family. Now they're gone and hate me. I have no friends and struggle to make them. People still hate me and told her to "have nothing to do with me". I'm embarrassed to be me.

 

And I feel guilty about this too - as well as hating myself, I'm also upset with her. I didn't mention previously, but here's how she found out about what had happened:

She suspected her husband liked me for over a year (I had no idea about any of this). She invited me round one night when he wasn't there. We drank a lot of alcohol (as mentioned, I don't remember most of the night) Her husband came home (also drunk) and she wanted to test her theory, so she left him alone with me and set her phone to record to see if he would try anything. Obviously she was right, he did, and I responded in a horrible way.

As well as feeling disgusted with me actions and being completely full of regret, a number of other things about this make me sad.

- I'm upset that she didn't tell me how she felt. I wouldn't have felt comfortable going to her house to begin with if I'd have known that. And I definitely wouldn't have let myself get wasted there.

- I'm upset that she left me with him while I was drunk thinking that he might come on to me. I have looked after her countless times when she's been drunk (she usually gets more drunk than me, but obviously not on this occasion). I have literally physically pushed men off her and vice-versa as I knew she would regret it and didn't want her to be taken advantage of. I know those men weren't my partner, but I wouldn't let ANYONE near her while she was drunk, and that would include my partner.

- I'm upset that she's told everyone else a slightly different version of these events. She said that she didn't plan on recording us and that she went to bed and heard us go quiet, so decided to record us to see what was happening. She doesn't tell them she suspected he liked me. That is not what she told me on any if the numerous conversations we had directly after it.

- I'm upset that she now tells me she doesn't believe I was "that drunk". I get drunk really easily and she knows that. I had at least 18 units of alcohol on an empty stomach. I'm 108lbs.

I know I'm the one in the wrong. No one forced me to drink that much. I feel bad for being upset with her. Those questions just keep niggling and I've never told her how I feel.

 

Regarless of having those questions, the main feeling I have is devastation that I hurt her. I miss her. I miss me. I miss being happy. Life is so much darker now.

 

Sorry. This post is very 'me, me, me'. I've just been losing hope that I'll ever feel OK again, and now I feel like I'm losing it entirely. Don't think being cooped up is helping much at the minute-Im sure many who are struggling mentally feel the same in that sense. Sorry.

Edited by Lemon2018
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Thanks for replying. I had months and months of face-to-face counselling, then I had to stop. I was due to see another counselor but obviously with Covid that's not able to go ahead at the moment.

 

There isn't a therapist alive that can knock your own decisions out of your own hands. Healing doesn't just happen 'to' us, it requires our own willingness and participation. If you want to keep drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's just not going to bring you the opposite results.

 

Your friend forgave you and resumed participation in your life. You wrote that she continually reassured you, but why would she need to do that?

 

Whatever spinning you did to provoke reassurances from friend to the degree that she was exasperated and cut you off are the same behaviors you use to prevent your own healing.

 

So what are those, and what can you do to train yourself away from them?

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Thank you. That's not the reason she changed her mind though. It was mainly at first that she could see I was anxious about it and reassured me. She just said she didn't want me in her life anymore because of what happened. She said she can't understand it- I don't even understand it so I can't blame her for that.

 

I have been trying so hard to move on. I don't know how to do that when I miss her. And I am lonely. I have no friends. It's extremely shameful and embarrassing to have no friends because of your own horrible action. I have tried joining clubs to make friends but I've found it difficult to form bonds with people. I had a big birthday last year and I spent it with just my bf. No party, no gathering, no one else to celebrate with. I saw my family for a bit (when I arranged it myself) but as mentioned, we're not close.

 

I've been getting up, going to work, putting in a brave face. I've been arranging things to do with my bf and son so we have things to look forward to. Doesn't matter what I do, it just hurts.

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What is it, exactly, that you are making your happiness contingent upon?

 

If you decide that you can't be happy without the friend who dumped you, you're robbing your son and BF of a fully present and invested mother and GF. Lot's of people don't even have 1 person in their lives, much less 2.

 

So consider the gratitude you feel for your son and BF as a foundation, and then make choices about how you will build upon that.

 

Keep your expectations realistic. Friendships don't just fall into place. They take time. Adult friendships take a willingness to respect the limitations of others. That's why we mature into forming different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs, because our younger days of homogenizing with one or two 'best' friends were based on blank slates. Adults solidify into personalities that won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's where limitations come in.

 

So our tennis friend may be lousy at conversation, a shopping friend may not share our religion or politics, a friend in whom we can confide may hate events or road trips or parties. Everyone has limits to the focus they can offer a friendship, so we form limited acquaintances based on small bits of common ground. Over time one or two of those might strengthen into a real friendship.

 

I would consult with a doctor to rule in or out depression. That's not just sadness, it's a chemical imbalance in the body that may require chemical treatment until it lifts to the right level. There is no one-size-fits-all treatment, it's an art to get the right med at the right dosage. Working with a therapist who partners with your doctor to monitor treatment results is the best way to learn what works and what does not.

 

Change is a decision. It won't just happen 'to' you or 'for' you, and it's a choice nobody else can make for you. Decide whether you will focus on moving in the right direction. That requires relinquishment of the self talk that drills you into a deeper hole, and that kind of self talk IS within your own control.

 

Choose wisely.

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Thanks. I appreciate your reply.

 

I am very grateful to have my son and my bf. They're the reason I am still here. I don't want to feel this was. I have been trying hard to focus on them, and I have been doing, but I'm still very lonely, hated and humiliated.

 

I think that the lockdown isn't helping at all. A lot of people are getting through this by socialising online. I felt that I had to leave Facebook as I knew most of my friends through my friend and they all hated me, and most of my photos were of times I'd spent with her. Even if I kept it, the remaining "friends" would see what little life I have now and it would just make me feel worse.

 

Forming friendships has always been extremely difficult because I'm really awkward socially. My sister has autism and I think I might be on the spectrum.

 

I did go to see my doctor regarding the depression. But I'm not depressed due to a chemical imbalance. Prior to this I was happy. If I woke up and realised this had all been a bad dream, I'd be happy. I just wish so much that this never happened.

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  • 2 months later...

hi there Lemon,

i can identify with what you are saying, and some of the helpful comments. i especially like the expression "drilling yourself into a hole". i think i do that a lot. im just embarrassed to be me, feel like i have no right to be amongst my fellow men; that i just not worthy. indeed this is coupled with a sensation that i can't actually trust myself completely., that some how i could just get an urge to just break out and tell them all to go "F.." themselves. i suppose i feel like an outsider, but i want to be an insider, yet i can't because i feel no one will accept me, and i because i dont really feel able to bond with them.

 

reading your continuous pain, and the undending hole you are drilling, i look at myself and see myself doing the same, and it just makes me want to laugh; i mean, i get this sort of burst of joy because i suddenly dont feel alone anymore. i mean we could have a coffee together and just have a good laugh about how paranoid we have become, how we loose all sense of proportion.

 

my story is very different to yours: i have just been an arrogant runt for years, feeling superior to most people, whilst going through phases of too much dope and porn. i had i high idea of myself, when in fact i was capable of some pretty low stuff, and its hard to look myself in the mirror. indeed, that seems to be the crux of the problem; not so much what other people think but me not being able to accept myself. feeling like im worth nothing.

 

but as the readers say, even if we feel we are worthless, so long as one or two other people consider us an acceptable person (not everyone) we've got something to build on; and yes its true, all human beings have the more or less intensely the kind of thoughts and feelings we have; so were one big happy family of pathetic people struggling to regain our dignity.

 

lets all accept that we are weak together; that will lead to empathy and friendship, and maybe even, improve and renew our fallen nature.

 

many thanks for baring your soul online.

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