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I am sooo confused, why do I keep getting ghosted?


Hopeful333
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Hi all! So a little background my ex-bf broke up with me about 5 months ago, in my last thread I spoke about my lack of sexual/romance desire and said I am going to wait to get that back. However I will say I have been talking to some guys. Something I've been starting to notice is that for some reason every guy I converse with just stops talking to me suddenly. These are also guys I know (they attend my university). How it always start is the guy messages me and we have a pretty nice conversation. They will be flirty etc.. and they would continuing to text me for a few days. And then suddenly I will respond with something that warrants a response and BOOM! no response. I am not sure why this keeps happening since they were the ones who initially started pursuing me and it kind of makes me a little sad

Not really so much as I saw anything of much potential, esp since I'm not sure what I (or my body) wants right now. It's just more of a sudden loneliness or feeling dumb.

All responses welcomed!

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There's not a lot of information here to make a judgment. How many people did this happen with? What were your conversations like?

 

It seems like you are lumping several exchanges into one category. Maybe read more into these interactions than was actually there?

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Youre not the only one it happens to and like what Jibralta said. Theres not a lot to go on. Firstly people get all excited meeting someone new. After a few message or after maybe a week or two and if they don't feel it. Messages die down and people fade. Ghosting tends to refer to people who disappear from your life but you can still seem them or traces of them online.

 

I wouldn't worry about it as if someone was into theyd still be messaging or trying to get to know you.

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Are these online dates? Or real life uni friends? What is the content of your conversations? Hopefully you are upbeat and fun and do not mention your ex. Guys dread the friendzone, so if you are turning them into text buddies or male-girlfriends, they will move on. Why not get together for coffee with these guys?

I have been talking to some guys. These are also guys I know (they attend my university).

Not really so much as I saw anything of much potential, esp since I'm not sure what I (or my body) wants right now.

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There are several possibilities based on the limited info...

1. Many college males are only looking for easy, low effort sex before moving on. The moment they see that work may be involved, as in answering questions or having to have a simple conversation, they disappear for easier pastures. This is not a bad thing on your part.

 

2. You have to pull it together in your mind if you're in contact with them for your own ego, show up the ex, or to actually potentially date. From your post, it does not sound like you are in it for the dating and that will come across fast and be dull which will repel even the interested ones. If not fully engaged, this cycle will only repeat itself which will only make you feel more sad.

 

3, If you are not into dating right now, there is nothing wrong with that. It seems like sometimes people have no idea what to do with themselves if they aren't locked in some type of dating situation/drama whether real or going through the motions. A university should have a lot of activities, it is your time to explore and gain some independence to build upon your own sense of self and foundation for life.

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Hi yes I should deff clarify!

The guys are people I know through mutual friends so real life. I would say the conversations started out very friendly, like we would just start texting and asking about each other (majors, funny stuff, interests) and talk about our mutual friends. (BTW this happened with about 4 guys now). What happens next is each guy becomes relatively flirty either by complimenting me etc.. which is nice and I always respond with a delightful response thanking them.

Hahaha I don't mention my ex I promise! This exchange usually goes on for like a few days but then stops suddenly. I would 100% love to try actually dating again however I never get the opportunity to because they just vanish :(

I haven't let my intentions clear for what I want so I'm not sure what they think I am looking for? Like I haven't said if I wanted sex, or something more so that's what confuses me.

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I'm not sure I'd jump to any assumptions of malintent. They're simply not your girlfriends. They're not interested in lying down in bed and giggling while you text back and forth over the course of however many days or weeks. If they're flirting, it means they're gauging your interest beyond that of a text buddy. If you're saying "lol thanks" rather than reciprocating, they're getting the message you're not interested. It's really that simple. You're not being "ghosted" because they're not obligated to keep texting you despite their boredom with it.

 

Do any of these guys ask you out? If so, what do you say? If they aren't, while it would be nice if they cut to the chase, there are plenty of reasons they're feeling you out prior to asking you out. Again, while thanking someone for a compliment is fair enough, it's a pretty ineffective way to get a conversation to lead anywhere.

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Yes I completely understand what you mean in the sense that they aren't obligated to text me. I feel as if I did do a good job reciprocating, for example one guy I was talking to likes to make art and we were talking about that, and I insisted he show me his art in person and he said he would love to. I felt like that was enough to make it clear I had an intent to go further? If not then I am not sure what else to do haha

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Yes I completely understand what you mean in the sense that they aren't obligated to text me. I feel as if I did do a good job reciprocating, for example one guy I was talking to likes to make art and we were talking about that, and I insisted he show me his art in person and he said he would love to. I felt like that was enough to make it clear I had an intent to go further? If not then I am not sure what else to do haha

 

I don't think you are being ghosted as such and it does sound like you gave a very clear green light to meet up. That said, I think what you are dealing with is just typical college time. Interest is fleeting, you are meeting available singles all the time out at parties, in the flesh so to speak, etc. It's not really personal, more just the rapidly changing dynamic. It's kind of like a dance where you aren't committed to any one partner and the idea is to keep moving and switching dance partners throughout the dance.

 

Granted there are people who are looking to date or for a stable relationship, it's just that you haven't run into them or rather the guys talking to you aren't that. Keep in mind also that those who are more outgoing and therefore more likely to keep on moving are going to be the ones who are more forward about striking up a conversation. So that can create this illusion like you are doing something wrong, but you aren't.

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Hi all! So a little background my ex-bf broke up with me about 5 months ago, in my last thread I spoke about my lack of sexual/romance desire and said I am going to wait to get that back. However I will say I have been talking to some guys. Something I've been starting to notice is that for some reason every guy I converse with just stops talking to me suddenly. These are also guys I know (they attend my university). How it always start is the guy messages me and we have a pretty nice conversation. They will be flirty etc.. and they would continuing to text me for a few days. And then suddenly I will respond with something that warrants a response and BOOM! no response. I am not sure why this keeps happening since they were the ones who initially started pursuing me and it kind of makes me a little sad

Not really so much as I saw anything of much potential, esp since I'm not sure what I (or my body) wants right now. It's just more of a sudden loneliness or feeling dumb.

All responses welcomed!

 

You're not being ghosted. These are individuals who choose not to continue a conversation with someone they've just met or never met in person (not clear from your post). It's nice to indicate that it's over but typical not to do so. There's no pursuit here -they are communicating and typing to you. You're not dating these people. Also if you are not feeling "sexy" that might be coming through -perhaps they are flirting or trying to and you're not responding in kind. Also I'd lessen the talking/texting and get to know them in person - if they attend your university invite them to a university activity.

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Well this just seems like very typical behaviour that people display these days and I also found it annoying when I was doing online dating. I think due to dating apps and social media, people these days feel like they always have a lot of options and "the grass is always greener". I think it's competitive to actually get people to stick around. I thinm if you like a guy then you may need to be very down to the point, like: "Do you want to meet at x cafe, at x time on x day?" I think people will especially drop off if you're not obvious enough or meet fast enough. I personally hate just endlessly chatting to people online that I don't really know because I consider it a waste of time. I always dropped off on online dating unless someone was willing to meet me pretty quickly. However it may just be a pure coincidence that these guys "ghosted" you. I think that happens to everyone!

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I would limit the electronic exchanges and see what happens. Texting back and forth with no goal or payoff is exhausting and pointless.

If you think about it, what's the point? Unless all either one of you are looking for is an electronic buddy.

 

A few years back (before I knew better) I was exchanging texts from some guy from on line dating. This went on for a couple weeks. He seemed to be leading and I was merely following his pace. He didn't text often, but more sporadically. I wasn't quite sure what he wanted and didn't ask.

 

One day he text me `well?!'. My response `well what?'

This went back and forth several times until he finally came out and told me what he was after.

It seems he was accustomed to having had shared sexy pic's by now and was losing interest or patience that I didn't catch on or know better.

 

Call me naive but from what he shared that was the unsaid expectation.

Obviously he was rewarded for his patience in the past or he wouldn't have hung in there for two weeks with me.

 

Yah, I didn't text with him from that moment on.

Edited by reinventmyself
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