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I need advice, im desperate


yamajii89
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Good day everyone.

 

Ok to start of, after being single for 7 months i've been focusing all my time and energy into building my business, which right now is somewhat thriving, which is more than i can say about it really, as well as physical fitness and just perusing self improvement, i've learned a new language a new instrument etc...

 

recently i've started dating again, however i am not having any luck. whats weird is before i had money and a relatively good body i could really date like 3-4 girls in a week, not gonna hide it or not gonna say im proud if it, but when i was a lot younger and naive dating and hooking up was easier. but now I feel like im a completely different person i cant point out whats wrong with me. i just cant find anyone to match. i've tried online dating, going out to bars (no love in the club) i know. Im a lot successful than what i used to be. and I thought women would be more accepting and it would make it easier if i had a healthy lifestyle. but noooo its a lot harder now.

 

hope someone can help, and dont take it the wrong way, i am ready to settle and i am back in dating because i want to find "the one" and not just to hook up, thought that would be great too.

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Hi Yamajii89,

 

I'm wondering...not to be nosy...but what's happening with the dates? Are you not interested or is it the women that aren't interested? As a 30 something, I have found that dating gets a lot harder as we get older because everyone is doing exactly what you are: looking for "the one", so I think we all don't take as many liberties as we used to (ya know, the random hook ups) because a lot of folks aren't willing to "waste time" (personally on the fence about whether or not hook-ups are a waste of time. They certainly taught me a thing or two about myself) on frivolous encounters or things they think might not go anywhere. I've found, at least where I live, that people want their partners to check off every one of their "must haves" before they are ready to settle in on dating someone. It can certainly be frustrating at times...

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Hi Yamajii89,

 

I'm wondering...not to be nosy...but what's happening with the dates? Are you not interested or is it the women that aren't interested? As a 30 something, I have found that dating gets a lot harder as we get older because everyone is doing exactly what you are: looking for "the one", so I think we all don't take as many liberties as we used to (ya know, the random hook ups) because a lot of folks aren't willing to "waste time" (personally on the fence about whether or not hook-ups are a waste of time. They certainly taught me a thing or two about myself) on frivolous encounters or things they think might not go anywhere. I've found, at least where I live, that people want their partners to check off every one of their "must haves" before they are ready to settle in on dating someone. It can certainly be frustrating at times...

 

 

yeah women are interested, but for some reason i think i just give up way too soon. i dont really know, im putting some effort into it though. i am 27, yeah i think you're right about dating is getting harder when you try too hard.

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It's quality over quantity. Anyone can get quantity, lots of people to have short term or flings with. It doesn't mean it's any good.

 

It takes more effort, you need to have more substance as a person in order to have a serious relationship and you need to be looking for those who are of better quality.

 

Even then, you will find that it's not easy. In fact many call it trying to find a needle in a haystack. But don't give up and don't lower your standards because you can't find what you're looking for right away.

 

The right kind of love will come your way when it's your time and when the time is right.

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It's quality over quantity. Anyone can get quantity, lots of people to have short term or flings with. It doesn't mean it's any good.

 

It takes more effort, you need to have more substance as a person in order to have a serious relationship and you need to be looking for those who are of better quality.

 

Even then, you will find that it's not easy. In fact many call it trying to find a needle in a haystack. But don't give up and don't lower your standards because you can't find what you're looking for right away.

 

The right kind of love will come your way when it's your time and when the time is right.

 

 

Thanks that actually makes sense. I am trying to improve myself after all to be able to attract the woman that i like. it is however getting really depressing at times.

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Hello! I am still relatively young but I will try to give my opinion as best as I can! Even at my age dating is still rather difficult esp if you are trying to do more than hook-up. I think you are 100% doing the right thing in terms of improving your life style and doing new awesome things. I'm not sure how your last relationship went down but being able to thrive months after it always makes me happy for that person! I think that you're doing the right stuff however with the dates you're going on maybe you're too focused on seeing if that person is "the one". Maybe dating was easier back then because you were more open to anyone since you were younger and didn't feel the need to find that person. What I can say is DO NOT lower your standard (ofc they should be realistic)! You'll find that person, it's all about just share luck of chance, or intentional dates. And as someone who did once find love at the club I can tell you anything could happen...anywhere.

*Also what I can tell you is when I first started dating my now ex-bf I was at a terrible place in my life (mentally, academically, etc..) but we still fell in love. Funny enough now that I am single I am also the most successful I've been since starting college (I improved mentally, grade-wise, and I am happier than ever). What I am trying to say is yes success and good health are attractive but it gets more complex than that! Keep doing the great things you've been doing and I promise you'll be okay :)

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yeah women are interested, but for some reason i think i just give up way too soon. i dont really know, im putting some effort into it though. i am 27, yeah i think you're right about dating is getting harder when you try too hard.

 

Yep.

 

You were pretty attached to your previous girlfriend pretty quickly too, I’m not really getting the I was a player vibe I’m getting the Im relationship minded vibe. Maybe mixed with a tad bit too much neediness.

 

Either way relax, like sherry said quality over quantity and don’t just look for someone to fill that void. believe it or not it pushes people away. I think you’ll be fine as soon as you stop trying to make it happen.

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It seems to me that you're in a spot in life where you're ready to settle down, explore a permanent mate, family, "the one." This lends itself to being more selective. If you were just out for a hookup and easy sex, it really wouldn't matter much about personality, lifestyle, beliefs, etc. Younger women may be on that same trend, just a hookup, maybe something short-term, fun, and when it ends, it ends. Then they get older too. Their lives are more established. They're ready to take that plunge. So you have two people who are naturally going to be more picky...the mother/father of your children. Your finance coordinator. Your house and home engineer. The shopper or the gardener. The taxi driver. Schedule coordinator and spiritual adviser and mechanic and hanyman; the list goes on. You're looking for someone who's lifestyle meshes and values align. This makes the process nose-dive more often than getting a good makeout session or landing in bed, let alone a second or third date.

 

You sound like you're doing well, so it's just a matter of putting in some effort for that second, third date...keep on keeping on until one of them sticks...you've found the one. Try to enjoy meeting these people for these short bursts. It does help you determine what features and behaviors are yes's and no's and middles. It can be frustrating and painful, but also a ton of fun, even if you don't get the sex, a good makeout is pretty great too and some affection, holding hands, etc. You'll be fine.

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