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My bf wont have sex with me anymore....??


Notmi
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I never thought something like this would happen to me. Me and my bf are both 26 and 3 years together. We had some problems after the first year in the relationship (when the sex started decreasing too) but we solved them and now we love each other very much and have a fun time together. But he still wont have sex with me. We used to do it at least 2 times a day now I am lucky if its 2 times a month.

I have gone through all emotional stages that go with that kind of experience. At first I thought he didnt want me, then I thought he cheated, (thats when I got the bad habit of searching his stuff), then I was angry, then sad etc...We have tried talking a million of times. Everytime he tries to avoid talking about it, and when he does he says he knows he dissappoints me and wants to fix it (but then does nothing) and if I try to ask a little more if he is bored or smth else he gets defensive and we have a fight. He totally refuses that it has to do with me. He says he is stressed and it is just a phase. How is this a phase for 1,5 year??

Yesterday I wanted sex a lot (its been 3 weeks since we last did anything) and he said he wasnt in the mood (what a surprise) although he had an erection (I would like to add here that he has no erection problems he just says he is not in the mood). I was heartbroken again said its ok, he said that I am right and we need to have sex but not now. Later on I went out with some friends and when I came home (he was asleep) I sat on the laptop and saw porn in the browsing history. I feel like . This has happened many times...

I am tired of always trying to turn him on and getting rejected. I am a good looking woman I should be cherised. I miss feeling like a woman. I almost cheated on him in a party at xmas.. I did hold myself but I wanted to do it. I am not a cheater. I see dreams of being with other guys all the time. I think I need to break up. But I love him too much we are like soulmates in everything else. We used to have the most amazing sex I ever had in my life. What do I do?? Please help me...

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First let me say, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine how this has taken a toll on your self-esteem. Personally I am against porn for this reason and others. Porn addiction is real, and men who watch it frequently require more and more stimulation in order to get turned on. It gets to the point that almost no real woman is enough to get a man excited. This has been shown in numerous studies in neuropsychology. I hope this makes you realize that the problem is not you. I have had friends with the same issues. Their boyfriends would rather watch porn then sleep with them. So it comes down to either him admitting he has a problem and making a concerted effort to cut down or completely stop watching porn, allowing his sex drive to return to normal after some time, or you stay in a relationship which does not fulfil you sexually. I sincerely hope it is not the latter.

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I have a hard time believing the rest of the relationship is perfect and that the only issue is sex. What other problems are the two of you facing? It's a fallacy to believe that only women's desire to go to bed turns off during times of conflict.

 

Another consideration is how you have handled him not wanting to have sex. I was in a relationship during my teen years into my early 20's with a guy who would make me feel bad if I EVER said "no" to sex. I hated that he would throw a fit and associate me not wanting to have sex in the moment with not loving him. Over time, his anger became abusive and it made me not want to have sex with him at all. I never stopped having a sex drive, and I continued to masturbate when I could. He made it unappealing to be with him specifically.

 

I'm not saying these points to put all the blame on you or to tell you that he doesn't love you. I am making these points, because I think you're very entrenched in an unhealthy dynamic that will not be easily fixed. Sex is at its best when it's spontaneous, fun, and has no pressure behind it. The more you wind yourself up about how often the two of you have sex, the less fun and less frequent it will be.

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You've already tried communication numerous times and nothing has changed for the better. Just like an alcoholic or narcotics abuser cares more about feeding their addiction even though it drives away their loved ones, he is more interested in maturbating to porn versus retaining a healthy relationship with his gf.

 

No matter how much you love someone, if they possess a dealbreaker, which this should be, you need to free yourself to find someone who has all of your must-haves and zero dealbreakers. That's the secret to relationship success. Right now, you're settling.

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Sorry to hear this is happening. You're correct 1/2 your relationship being about arguing and rejection and estrangement is not a "phase". Maybe it's time to realize you're not compatible. Do you live together? What were the problems and how have they been resolved? It sounds like you're playing house and he's just coasting along complacently.

 

He knows rejecting and frustrating you hurts you and he doesn't care. That doesn't seem like "soulmates". Talking will never work. Talking is obviously being tuned out. You need to take action. How long do you want to drift along like this? Do not try to fix or coddle him. This is deliberate, not an illness he can't help.

We had some problems after the first year in the relationship (when the sex started decreasing too) but we solved them

he says he knows he dissappoints me and wants to fix it. He says he is stressed and it is just a phase. How is this a phase for 1,5 year??

when I came home (he was asleep) I sat on the laptop and saw porn in the browsing history.

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If you were tempted to cheat then you know how bad this has become and what you need to do.

 

He has made a choice and that choice is not you sexually. I agree that porn has ruined a great many peoples sex lives and yours is the most recent.

 

I am not a fan of ultimatums because you are forcing someone to do something by threats.

 

You need to sit down with him and tell him straight out how you feel and that you do not want to be in a relationship with no intimacy, desire or passion. Be clear and concise so there is no question in his mind what you want out of this relationship. Then ask him what he intends to do to remedy the issue. If all you get is more excuses and no action you need to start working on getting your own place, separating your finances and then break up with him.

 

Unfortunately I believe that is where this will end up because he simply is putting himself way above you and will continue doing that again eventually.

 

I have never understood why a man would neglect a real life woman for porn...

 

I am sorry but you need to prepare yourself for a breakup.

 

Lost

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I have a hard time believing the rest of the relationship is perfect and that the only issue is sex. What other problems are the two of you facing?

 

Exactly. I realize it's a very touchy subject and we don't always want to look at this part of ourselves but at the end of the day if he is getting an erection it isn't sexual dysfunction... it's a dysfunction in your relationship. That being said, my personal view on this is that there is absolutely no point in being in a romantic relationship unless there is regular sex... otherwise it's just a friendship. Don't get me wrong... my friendships are some of the most valuable relationships I have, and I also recognize the importance of being friends with our romantic partners... but for me, a good sex life is super important and I wouldn't be willing to give it up for the sake of staying in a relationship.

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I'm assuming all these "stages" didn't start and end yesterday. To elaborate, if you started going through these stages the moment he happened to had the audacity to go a few weeks with his libido having dropped for any assortment or reasons or lack thereof, it's not a wonder sex has perpetually taken a back seat. We also have no idea what these issues this first year were, how much you may or may not be minimizing the residual effects, etc.

 

Basically, I've yet to know a guy who woke up one day and thought, "Sex is overrated. I think I'm done with it." Certainly drives can diminish as the novelty wanes a bit over time and responsibilities increase, but a by and large total lack of intimacy is most often a symptom, not the cause in and of itself. That's not to suggest he's not equally responsible for broaching such issues, or whether he has or hasn't played his fair part in such issues, but that it's rarely productive to focus on the absence of sex itself.

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Okay I just read your other threads about this guy.

 

This guy has disrespected you from the beginning. You were the new toy that he is now bored with.

 

He does not love you and has treated you pretty badly over this short relationship. Read your other threads about him and then tell us why he is so great.

 

I realize your last relationship was abusive so this guy seems like a catch but he isn't! If you are dying of thirst even a mud puddle seems like a refreshing clear mountain spring.

 

Time to dump this guy, see if you can get some counseling at university and stay single for a while so you can work out what you want in your life.

 

Lost

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I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t even imagine the toll it’s taking on your self esteem. Continuing to ask him and trying to communicate with him about why you’re not having sex seems to just add tension to your relationship and it seems like that won’t change.

Since he has left porn in browser history, ever think of seeing what he’s into? Maybe he’s embarrassed or wants to try new things? Maybe try asking that? If he wants to try something new (of course something you’re absolutely comfortable with as well).

I myself don’t like the idea of porn. I’ve seen it ruin many of my friends relationships. I’m not saying to add to this possible addiction he has...but use it kind of as a cheat sheet?

If he still continues to not put in effort also, u advise you to move on hun. I’m sorry but you shouldn’t be going through this or feeling this way.

 

Hope to hear back positive results.

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I mean when you are fantasizing about other men and want to cheat, it's time to admit that your relationship is beyond repair and has run its course. Time to end things with this guy and move on before you get so desperate that you do end up cheating. You aren't wrong to want a sexually healthy relationship. It's not too much to ask for, but you are stuck asking the wrong guy. Put this thing you have going on out of its misery already and get out there and start dating again. Find a better match.

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Sorry to hear this is happening. You're correct 1/2 your relationship being about arguing and rejection and estrangement is not a "phase". Maybe it's time to realize you're not compatible. Do you live together? What were the problems and how have they been resolved? It sounds like you're playing house and he's just coasting along complacently.

 

He knows rejecting and frustrating you hurts you and he doesn't care. That doesn't seem like "soulmates". Talking will never work. Talking is obviously being tuned out. You need to take action. How long do you want to drift along like this? Do not try to fix or coddle him. This is deliberate, not an illness he can't help.

 

We started having problems around the first year. I have some posts about it. He did not really express himself and it was giving me a hard time. Over months of fighting things started working out when a pretty severe money situation happened to me and we went through it together. He started listening to me more started trying for me and we are happy now. He opened up. He said that he felt he had no space back then. We worked all of this out. But the sex problem remained.

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I'm assuming all these "stages" didn't start and end yesterday. To elaborate, if you started going through these stages the moment he happened to had the audacity to go a few weeks with his libido having dropped for any assortment or reasons or lack thereof, it's not a wonder sex has perpetually taken a back seat. We also have no idea what these issues this first year were, how much you may or may not be minimizing the residual effects, etc.

 

Basically, I've yet to know a guy who woke up one day and thought, "Sex is overrated. I think I'm done with it." Certainly drives can diminish as the novelty wanes a bit over time and responsibilities increase, but a by and large total lack of intimacy is most often a symptom, not the cause in and of itself. That's not to suggest he's not equally responsible for broaching such issues, or whether he has or hasn't played his fair part in such issues, but that it's rarely productive to focus on the absence of sex itself.

It was very sudden. It started in a bad time for us. He felt I was being all over him but he did not tell me he just pushed me away in silent ways. No sex no communication all day sitting on his laptop. I was shocked and I thought he was cheating at first. After some months and a lot of me blaming you arguments he said this and he also said that he is pushed away by my anxiety and depression disorder. I suffer from extensive insomnia. I did a huge work with my self. He admitted he was acting child like. This was one year ago. We sorted things out since this summer. I dont say anything now. I don't cry anymore I sleep almost every night and I don't nag about the sex problem. I thought if I give him some time it would be fixed. But no. Still the same even though his behavior in every other thing is changed and better.

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Sounds to me like you are settling for a relationship that leaves you feeling badly. Why do you think this is acceptable? Figuring this out and fixing it is more important than fixing his lack of interest in sex. Who knows why he is like that, there are a few explanations, it could be medical, it could be psychological it could be a gender/sexuality issue. But more importantly, the bigger question is why do you look to him to solve what you perceive to be the problem instead of looking at yourself? It is you who is unhappy with your situation, could it be that its easier to expect change from someone else than it is to fight for your own happiness by expecting a change from yourself? That change might be a change in your relationship status. You are responsible for your own happiness, you can lay the burden at the feet of another person and expect them to change so that you will be happy, it seems so much easier if someone else had to do the changing. The problem with that plan is that people are stubborn they won't change for you, they will only change when they require it of themselves, so that leaves you frustrated and depressed and putting your happiness in the hands of someone else. That approach looks easy on the surface but it is actually the hardest.

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It was very sudden. It started in a bad time for us. He felt I was being all over him but he did not tell me he just pushed me away in silent ways. No sex no communication all day sitting on his laptop. I was shocked and I thought he was cheating at first. After some months and a lot of me blaming you arguments he said this and he also said that he is pushed away by my anxiety and depression disorder. I suffer from extensive insomnia. I did a huge work with my self. He admitted he was acting child like. This was one year ago. We sorted things out since this summer. I dont say anything now. I don't cry anymore I sleep almost every night and I don't nag about the sex problem. I thought if I give him some time it would be fixed. But no. Still the same even though his behavior in every other thing is changed and better.
And are you still living at his place?

 

I have no idea what you were blaming him for, how right or wrong you were about it, how often you were doing it, how often your anxiety and depression manifested themselves in the context of your relationship, but given your history of chalking up legit relationship issues to sex dropping off, I'm not sure you're in a position to fully realize whether things were ever actually "sorted out." He could have resigned to the path of least resistance, but that doesn't mean he's happy.

 

I think people tend to be a bit too eager to diagnose a man when he has the audacity not to have sex with a woman, or to not give him the same consideration we'd give a woman who has for over a year scantly desired intimacy with her partner. People tend not to have a high sex drive when it comes to someone they're unhappy or uncomfortable with. When I wasn't happy or comfortable with a woman, I never told myself, ".... she does have a vag, though." No. I simply rubbed one out. Combined with every other dynamic, it's no surprise to me he's got porn in his browser history despite not ever bumping uglies with you.

 

If you are still living at his place, I'd be more inclined to chalk it up to him not knowing how to essentially kick you out. If you're not living together, I don't know what even his bad excuse for not ending it would be. But as it stands, you two don't seem to have ever exactly had a golden era. I don't see the point in dragging your feet out the door.

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