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Four amazing dates then she got confused and ended it, can I fix things?


MrMan1983
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A year ago I had a fantastic first date with a girl I instantly clicked with in all ways (which is very rare for me), fantastic sense of humour, gorgeous, great company and we had a nice kiss goodbye. This is where it ended though, I got excited, lost my cool and acted keen (like she had been), she backed off and I never saw her again. I was so gutted and self critical after, I vowed to never act that way again.

 

She met a boyfriend soon after and they were together till 6 weeks ago, she ended it and said she had checked out of that relationship a while ago and that she felt nothing when she did end it which confirmed her decision as correct.

 

She got back in contact with me, I kept my cool she organised a date. It went fantastic again, in fact we had three amazing, romantic dates full of laughter. She was completely keen on me, she was talking about the future, texting all the time, calling me. I enjoyed all of this because I felt the same but wasn't letting myself go like the last time.

 

Unfortunately after the last date she started to back away, I could sense it even via text that something had changed or she had got confused (she is a massive texter, which isn't always a good thing, but went along with it). Then I tried to organise a date for last weekend (this was last Tuesday) and she said the dreaded text;

 

“I want to talk to you about us, I'm just a bit worried about the fact that I've only just become single and I'm not 100% sure what I want. I do enjoy spending time with you; but I'm concerned times gonna go by and then I do what I normally do and just jump into something straight away...''

 

I replied with “Don't worry I'd already assumed that would be the case with you only just being single, I wouldn't want you to just jump into anything either. If it leads somewhere in time then great! If not then we at least enjoyed each others company whilst it lasted :) I'm easy going with all that xx”

 

After that she went back to texting me normally, voice notes, bit of flirting so I assumed I may of reassured her somewhat (however still was not entirely sure, she blew hot and cold). On the Thursday she said “Hey you! What you doing this weekend? I'm shattered!” so I thought great! She wants me to organise something (wrong), I replied saying “Hellooo, just got home. Long day then? Probably see the parents but nothing set in stone! Up for doing something?” - then she didn't reply for ages.

 

She eventually said “Hmm, I don't really know what to do after our convo now haha”

 

Now this is where I feel I started to unravel and sound needy, in a fearful state I sent;

 

“I'd thought we'd kind of said we'd not run into anything and just go with the flow, eg. Just carry on as we were having a laugh, then whatever happens happens with no pressure. Had I read that wrong, or more importantly if you weren't over thinking everything would you LIKE to see me? Haha” - Fail text number 1, note to self – never send a reply in a fearful state. This was the beginning of the end.

 

Her reply was “Ha you're funny, I am a massive over thinker, I can't stop. I think I'm just over thinking everything. I feel like I've either gotta know or not, and because I don't really know i'm like shall I just not then. I sound like a psycho!”

 

I again replied in a fearful state, instead of opening her up about what was bothering her so much, I tried to reassure her and wrote;

 

“You are deffo over thinking it. Sometimes it's good to just enjoy the here and now if you enjoy your time with someone, no point in worrying about future outcomes. Anyway if you want to do something let me know, if not have a good weekend x” - Did this sound ultra dismissive? Should I have asked her exactly what was on her mind aside from what she had told me already, for example was it anything to do with how I was showing up? Or would that of looked ultra needy? I don't know why I wrote 'no point in worrying about future outcomes' either :|

 

After that, she was very quiet then said she had decided to see her friends so I just said have a good weekend and left it at that. We didn't exchange any texts then she contacted me on the Sunday with;

 

“Are you up to much today? Sorry I've been quiet, I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't rush into anything else, and if I did meet someone if I wasn't sure I would not continue it. So I think it's best I just leave it because I don't wanna keep doing what I usually do. I hope you're OK though? Xx”

 

I was obviously gutted by this, stupidly AGAIN didn't wait till I felt centered and sent fail text number 3:

 

“Hey, had a good weekend just spent it with mates. Did you get up to anything exciting? That's a shame, but if that's how you feel then it's understandable. I'm not going to lie I did feel like we had a great connection (which is rare) which was worth exploring, certainly was not in any rush! (then I included an inside joke) then finished with my doors open if you ever want to meet up again, we do have a great laugh after all xx” - Was this again far too needy and nice? Should I of again tried to open her up a bit more and not tried to persuade her with reason? What sucks is all of this was over text.

 

Just one week before we had an amazing third date, everything was exciting and all of this crap was bungled over text message! Absolutely kicking myself now, her interest went from 100% to 0% in just 4 weeks.

 

I have heard zero since, no reply to my last text. I feel bad about dismissing her 'over thinking' with the 'You're definitely over thinking it' text (along with the bit about not worrying about future outcomes) and wonder if I should send another text in a day or two apologising for just that? (however that would be a double text).

 

Or should I just leave it now? I'm in that feeling of 'Should I do something to fix it' or just leave it mode, especially feeling like I messed up something potentially fantastic.

 

I really do like this girl, but think it's probably too late. Your thoughts ladies and gents?

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I think you should have walked once she told you she was unsure of what she wanted after the last date.

 

She was fresh out of a relationship, and was basically on the rebound.

 

This doesn’t mean that you two didn’t have (or don’t have) a connection. But she truly isn’t in a good place right now to be dating, and she admitted this to you via text. Best to believe her and take her at her word.

 

Don’t reach out to her.

 

If she contacts you again, tell her that it’s obvious that she needs to take some time for herself right now. However, in the future, when she’s ready to date again and knows what she wants, she can reach out to you and see if you’re up for a meet (provided you’re both single).

 

She sounds lost, is unsure of what she wants, fresh out of a relationship - not exactly the qualities one wants or needs if looking to build a solid, healthy relationship.

Edited by milly007
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Fix what? What you need to fix isn't the situation or your texts, but your picker.

 

You went on a date with this woman once. She opted to get into a relationship with someone else. She rejected you. Now that she is out of the relationship and in rebound mode, you jump right into being her ego boost and same outcome - she is still not into you and she still walked away.

 

There is nothing wrong with your texts or what you said. You are trying to find fault where there is none. The fault is being way too invested in a stranger whose only interest is to use you and lose you. You felt a great connection but, as is often the case, that connection is completely one sided. If she was into you from the get go, you'd have been in a relationship and still would be in a relationship. She wouldn't have chosen another guy.

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I have heard zero since, no reply to my last text. and wonder if I should send another text in a day or two apologising for just that?

 

Or should I just leave it now? I'm in that feeling of 'Should I do something to fix it' or just leave it mode, especially feeling like I messed up something potentially fantastic.

Whatever you do, please do NOT send another text apologising. Instead, you should head for the hills. Seriously. You dodged a bullet (imo). And if I may be blunt ... there was nothing "fantastic" about this one. You were a rebound. She was never that into you - certainly not on the same level you were into her. Head for the hills and don't look back!

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It does seem pretty odd. Like she was going to you when she wanted to feel even the slightest okay with herself. You boosted her self esteem when she was feeling low.

Since she is in fact an over thinker, she probably took your words differently too as far as telling her she is overthinking, and having a good weekend.

Maybe she did want you to reassure her or ask more questions, but it seems like you were more into her. The fact that she told you she doesn’t really know what she wants and doesn’t wanna rush into things...she warned you right there.

You were very nice to her, so I’m all reality...it’s her loss.

 

Keep your chin up

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The only thing that needs fixing is your willingness to involve yourself with someone who's fresh out of a breakup. Saying 'okay' to being a rebound is all down hill from there.

 

Research 'rebounding' to learn why you never want to position yourself that way if you want any future potential to last.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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"This is where it ended though, I got excited, lost my cool and acted keen"

 

What does this mean? You can't be your genuine self and show that you're attracted to someone and enjoy their company and want to go for more dates? Unless you went stalker mode, the average girl would be relieved to know of a guy's interest without game playing/mind games.

 

She sounds like a wishy-washy flake to me. Having chemistry with someone isn't that special. What is special is meeting someone you have chemistry with AND makes you a priority and treats as the special person you are. A woman who is crazy about you and wants you all to herself for the longterm.

 

You did nothing wrong except for realizing that past behavior is the strongest predictor of future behavior. She dumped you once and she did it again. You sound like a great catch. Risk your heart on someone new versus someone whose just not into you. It's reality that you can't be everyone's cup of tea. But be assured another woman will be ecstatic it didn't work out for you with the flake.

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Fix what?

 

Literally the EXACT thing I said out loud when I read the OP. One thing I noticed when I read your response is that even though she clearly told you she wasn't interested in more with you, you pushed right past and continued on trying to convince her otherwise. If I were her, I would have felt bulldozed by your reply and it would put me off permanently.

 

I would suggest moving on and not contacting her anymore... it was only 4 dates, there is nothing to fix, she has already told you twice she isn't interested in a relationship with you, time to let it go OP.

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There is nothing to fix here, OP. She just isn't interested.

 

What you did or didn't text isn't that important, and doesn't change the outcome. She comes to you when she wants attention and some fun company but that's the extent of it.

 

Stop beating yourself up for your choice of wording, and start making better choices about the women you date. You're putting too much emphasis on your tone of message but not enough on the underlying issue which is that this was essentially a non-starter. She turned you down once before, and then resurfaced when she was single - this is generally not the ideal candidate for you to pursue.

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Ladies and Gents thank you so much for your replies, you’re all completely right and just in the nick of time before I made an absolute fool of myself sending another text! I 100% won’t text her.

 

Some of you asked why I would put myself in this position in the first place but she had great qualities. I haven’t enjoyed someone’s company that much in a long time or been that attracted to someone’s personality, humour as well as looks and before this disastrous last week it was great. It was her initiating everything to begin with and everything seemed brilliant.

 

It seemed to be as soon as I was clearly reeled in/keen the confusion at her end started. It is also worth noting those three dates were spending the entire weekends together.

 

Also after the first time she said she was unsure she still carried on texting or voice messaging me first, but you’re right I should of left her to it there and then.

 

You’re also correct I was completely over analysing the texting thing, it’s partly because I have a history of text misunderstandings in the past.

 

I have been guilty of coming across clingy in the past too so I’m paranoid of coming across that way ever again. I need to try and cut excessive texting out of my dating life altogether as face to face or on the phone I’m great with people.

 

I have confidence in attracting women, having a great date or two but I don’t have confidence in keeping them interested for long and I turn into my own worst enemy. It’s like a vicious circle!

 

Thank you again peeps certainly good getting an outsiders perspective!

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It is also worth noting those three dates were spending the entire weekends together.

 

Too much too soon. This plus your texts trying to convince her to give you another chance were probably what scared her away.

 

Next time (and there WILL be a next time, you will meet someone else you like as much or more!) slow your roll and don't get so carried away by the heat of the moment.

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Too much too soon. This plus your texts trying to convince her to give you another chance were probably what scared her away.

 

Next time (and there WILL be a next time, you will meet someone else you like as much or more!) slow your roll and don't get so carried away by the heat of the moment.

 

Thanks for your reply. They started off as evening dates then evolved, but very wise words. Yes I regretted those texts after for sure, partly why I beat myself up after. In future I should have a rule to not reply till I’ve had time to chill and centre myself. Live and learn....again...!

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Fix what? What you need to fix isn't the situation or your texts, but your picker.

 

You went on a date with this woman once. She opted to get into a relationship with someone else. She rejected you. Now that she is out of the relationship and in rebound mode, you jump right into being her ego boost and same outcome - she is still not into you and she still walked away.

 

There is nothing wrong with your texts or what you said. You are trying to find fault where there is none. The fault is being way too invested in a stranger whose only interest is to use you and lose you. You felt a great connection but, as is often the case, that connection is completely one sided. If she was into you from the get go, you'd have been in a relationship and still would be in a relationship. She wouldn't have chosen another guy.

 

Agree with this!

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You're the inbetween guy who boosts her ego.

 

My thoughts, exactly.

 

She didn't like you. At least not like you liked her. When she first met you, she wasn't into it so she blew you off. She found another guy she actually liked and that was the end of it.

That relationship ended, she was feeling low and so decided to have you boost her ego by reminding her that you still wanted her. But the thing is, she never wanted you.

She just wanted to know that you were her fan. It made her feel good about herself until she could get enough confidence up to go searching for the man she actually was hoping to find.

 

And no, don't feel sorry for her. I don't care if you're a man or woman, using someone like that is disgraceful.

 

 

This whole scenario falls under the saying.."fool me once, etc". You should have known better truth be told. The second time around should have never happened.

Like seriously, she dropped you so she could go find a guy she actually liked. That should have been enough.

 

Raise your standards.

Edited by SherrySher
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My thoughts, exactly.

 

She didn't like you. At least not like you liked her. When she first met you, she wasn't into it so she blew you off. She found another guy she actually liked and that was the end of it.

That relationship ended, she was feeling low and so decided to have you boost her ego by reminding her that you still wanted her. But the thing is, she never wanted you.

She just wanted to know that you were her fan. It made her feel good about herself until she could get enough confidence up to go searching for the man she actually was hoping to find.

 

And no, don't feel sorry for her. I don't care if you're a man or woman, using someone like that is disgraceful.

 

 

This whole scenario falls under the saying.."fool me once, etc". You should have known better truth be told. The second time around should have never happened.

Like seriously, she dropped you so she could go find a guy she actually liked. That should have been enough.

 

Raise your standards.

 

Wise words!

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I have confidence in attracting women, having a great date or two but I don’t have confidence in keeping them interested for long and I turn into my own worst enemy. It’s like a vicious circle!

 

 

If you can score a second date, in reality...she’s already interested in you. Be yourself. Because it’s too much unnecessary work being anything other than that. And frankly not worth it. If ladies out there don’t like you for being you, you have to be smart and just keep on searching.

 

I ran my course attracting the wrong type of man over and over again...I acted and would try and be what I thought they wanted from the first few dates of getting to know them and what they like. I would bend over backwards trying to be this perfect image of a women for so long that I lost who I really was. I was miserable. And trying to be somekne I wasn’t just made me feel so desperate. I didn’t love or even like myself because I couldn’t understand why was I always getting hurt, lied to or cheated on. It took some time to heal and find myself.

 

Now, I am myself. The best version I can be and I’m still working on being a better version. It’s not about perfection...it’s about making progress. And a little less than two years ago, I met a wonderful man who is in love with the real me. And it feels damn good to be myself and someone actually appreciate and love my true self.

 

Be yourself. The confidence will come the more you stop dwelling on if they’ll stay interested or not.

Don’t beat yourself up or be so hard on yourself. Remember you are your biggest critic, give yourself a chance to shine.

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If you can score a second date, in reality...she’s already interested in you. Be yourself. Because it’s too much unnecessary work being anything other than that. And frankly not worth it. If ladies out there don’t like you for being you, you have to be smart and just keep on searching.

 

I ran my course attracting the wrong type of man over and over again...I acted and would try and be what I thought they wanted from the first few dates of getting to know them and what they like. I would bend over backwards trying to be this perfect image of a women for so long that I lost who I really was. I was miserable. And trying to be somekne I wasn’t just made me feel so desperate. I didn’t love or even like myself because I couldn’t understand why was I always getting hurt, lied to or cheated on. It took some time to heal and find myself.

 

Now, I am myself. The best version I can be and I’m still working on being a better version. It’s not about perfection...it’s about making progress. And a little less than two years ago, I met a wonderful man who is in love with the real me. And it feels damn good to be myself and someone actually appreciate and love my true self.

 

Be yourself. The confidence will come the more you stop dwelling on if they’ll stay interested or not.

Don’t beat yourself up or be so hard on yourself. Remember you are your biggest critic, give yourself a chance to shine.

 

Thank you for the kind words, I do need to relax a lot more. You're absolutely right I need to stop over analysing and dwelling, I'm quite an anxious person which doesn't help (must be a family gene as they're all the same!).

 

It's not that I'm not myself on the first couple of dates, it's more that I feel more relaxed/confident but once I start building a bond I seem to start pursuing more when I never needed to, also if I feel someone pulling back slightly I seem to panic instead of just relaxing and knowing that I need to stay centred and let them come to me. I definately need to do some work on myself, and as you say I need to date someone that's more right for me, maybe I need a fellow keeno :D Although saying that, this latest one was extremely keen at first and it did not put me off one bit.

 

What scares me is the fact I'm 36 years old, a seemingly OK looking guy and still cannot hold down a relationship even if I have wanted to. I have never even had something last longer than a year! There have been other times where it's been the opposite where I'm not interested and end it, but it's the ones I am invested in that seem to go wrong quite quick!

 

I'm so thankful I posted on here though, I feel far more relaxed.

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