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Shattered in to pieces. That is what my heart probably looks like right now. I didn't see the break up coming, and it's even harder to heal because I didn't get any closure. I don't think that 'last text' counts. You don't end an almost three year relationship with a text. Some people are just really heartless like that, eh?

 

Been crying for almost every night this February. It still hurts like hell as I am typing this, but I guess I'd just have to endure this and allow time to heal me. But it's easier said than done. Also trying my best not to contact her or be in touch, but still relapsing from time to time. (I would also appreciate if someone give advice on how to resist contacting your ex?).

 

My head is messed up right now. It's tough to be dumped, but it's truly tougher not having any closure! I'll forever wonder what really went down that night. At this point, it feels like the wound is forever gonna linger. So tell me, is closure really essential to heal? At least, as a first step to move on?

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I would also like to add to this, that you will rarely get the whole truth from your ex.

 

They might lie or avoid the whole truth for various reasons. Maybe they're ashamed, maybe they don't want to hurt you, or what ever else reason they might have. You will never know the whole 100% truth, or better said, rarely.

 

You will have to accept, that her leaving you is all the closure you might get. If it helps, and it helped me, pick a story, a reason that will help you move on and take that as the truth. If she wasn't forthcoming, you have the freedom to construct your own truth that will empower you to move on.

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This entirely depends on what closure means to you.

 

Can you elaborate on how you would personally define closure?

 

I want an explanation on what really happened, why she broke up with me that sudden? I feel so betrayed. She should've atleast the decency to break up with me formally... I feel worthless... I was so invested with her.

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What were the breakup and arguments about?

 

I would also like to add to this, that you will rarely get the whole truth from your ex.

 

They might lie or avoid the whole truth for various reasons. Maybe they're ashamed, maybe they don't want to hurt you, or what ever else reason they might have. You will never know the whole 100% truth, or better said, rarely.

 

You will have to accept, that her leaving you is all the closure you might get. If it helps, and it helped me, pick a story, a reason that will help you move on and take that as the truth. If she wasn't forthcoming, you have the freedom to construct your own truth that will empower you to move on.

 

Thank you so much for your insight. I'll never know what is going on inside her head. But honestly, I'm still having a hard time trying to wrap my head around the situation. I hate it. I know she doesn't deserve to be taking up my time and consuming all my energy... I'm so lost.

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What were the breakup and arguments about?

 

 

We were honestly walking on eggshells early time this year due to minor inconvenieces but nothing really to be alarmed. I thought we just needed more time to bond together since we spent the holidays with our family and we just missed each other. Everything was just fine days before she broke up with me (or so that was I thought?)

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You don't need closure from her. In reality, closure comes from within. It would have hurt whichever way she had done it. I have been in your shoes and I have a notion of what you mean. You will get to the other side in time. When you become more detached after some time you may realize that there had been signs of what was coming that you missed. Chances are that your ex was too afraid of confrontation to break up face to face, not necessarily because you did something but because as a person she is too avoidant. It doesn't justify what she did, but it explains why she used such a cowardly cop out. It has nothing to do with your worth. It's about her being too weak and too bad at open communication.

 

I was always good at nc so I am not sure how to help there. I would delete all her contact details, block her number and block her on all social media. Whatever you do, do not cyber stalk her. And if she comes back, I would advise you not to take her back. Mine did and he left the same cowardly way. Unless it was an abusive relationship, text message break ups indicate a serious inability to communicate openly and no communication = no relationship. The truth of the matter is that you two where incompatible in the long-term. If you think about it, her way of breaking up is all the information you need to reach the conclusion that the relationship was not viable. Once you accept that, that's your closure.

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Chances are that your ex was too afraid of confrontation to break up face to face, not necessarily because you did something but because as a person she is too avoidant. It doesn't justify what she did, but it explains why she used such a cowardly cop out. It has nothing to do with your worth. It's about her being too weak and too bad at open communication

 

This is very true. Please consider this OP. I was broken up via text too, out of the blue, no warnings, after 2 years and 3 months with practically no arguments. You'll see the truth later, when you can see clearly and the mess has died down a bit. But all that aside, this is a very cowardly way to abandon someone, especially a good partner. Take this as a sign of how her character is. She would rather hurt you so badly than face the aftermath of her decisions. It's her problem in the long run.

 

Clio gave a lot of very good advice, please consider it all.

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It's good that you're crying. Yes it's exhausting but nature evolved crying for a reason so if it needs to happen then let it happen.

 

If crying wasn't important it would have been naturally selected out of us by now*

I would also appreciate if someone give advice on how to resist contacting your ex?

Watch this video -

and others on that channel.

 

Also this forum is littered with stories of those who did break no contact and lived to regret it....

 

Three years is a long time so she won't be able to forget you in a hurry so none of us will be surprised if you hear from her if you stick to NC. But you'll have to be careful of what's called 'Breadcrumbing' or Cat Pawing.

 

Try and sleep and eat the best you can. Stay off the alcohol. Your body and mind is going to need good care to get through this.

 

Sorry for your pain. It really sux...I know*

 

Carus*

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No one can actually give you closure. It's about you and how you view the break up. The thing is that most people will never tell you the exact truth of why they broke up with you. Either to avoid hurting you, or because they're ashamed of the reason or they actually don't know exactly why they're not in love with you anymore.

 

Yes breaking up by text and such is coward and it's been done to me. But the thing is that most often than not even if she were to sit down with you and guide you through the break up, you'd still come up with more questions and it still wouldn't feel like closure. It's a bit similar to when people break no contact and send a long message expressing how they feel about the break up and demanding answered and the dumper either ignores or the answer doesn't sooth you and raises even more questions. If you're still in the denial or bargain stage of the break up (which most of us go through), no explanation will be satisfying.

 

We all put the responsibility in our healing and holding our hand through the break up on the other person but most often than not they won't be there soothing us and answer our FAQ about the break up.

 

It's very hard but sooner or later we have to realise that the break up itself is already closure. Knowing that someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with us is enough. Might not seem at first and I know it doesn't, but in time it becomes enough.

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It sounds like you weren't getting along for a while. It may have been fine for you but clearly she was not happy and you know the reasons. Are you long distance? Did she meet someone?

We were honestly walking on eggshells early time this year due to minor inconvenieces but nothing really to be alarmed.Everything was just fine days before she broke up with me (or so that was I thought?)
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Hey, I've gotten the whole "truth" from an ex before, and I can tell you it's overrated as all hell. His truth definitely didn't line up with my truth, and hearing it hurt like a b*tch.

 

The whole needing closure from an ex thought process is just another way to keep yourself tied in. If you're disgusted by the fact that she used a text to end it, let yourself be angry and use that anger to propel you forward. You deserve better.

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it sucks but I think there is never closure until one of you passes away. I mean anything can happen in life....

 

my advice is specific to nc... recognize your worth whuch.... good job so far. you sound like you know you have the right to be pissed and to stay away from a hurtful person.

 

that's how I look at it. I loved my ex. he hurt me. I tried to be supportive. he didn't want that. I let him go..... have faith and love yourself.

 

I have moved on multiple times in life. it is hard but a loving person is a lover right? so I try to just be present in the moment. meditate and listen to positive you tube videos.... breathe..... it feels good to control your breathing if nothing else

 

hang in there

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Closure is another word for acceptance, and most people try to get this by seeking answers that help them feel less $hitty about a situation and because they think it will speed up the grieving process. Thing is, there is probably nothing your ex could say that would help you feel better. Like SGH said it's often the case that we hear something that hurts even more.

 

If you really want closure, take responsibility by focusing on getting through your grief and accepting that it will take you time to let go of the relationship.

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Do you need closure to move on and heal? No, you can move on without getting your closure and be happy, find love and have a wonderful life. Some people use the word closure as an excuse to keep a wound fresh. Some use it as an excuse to keep a line to their X open to ask questions. Some use it as a justification, but in reality, you can move on without closure.

To put it in simple terms. Closure is important if you believe its important.

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We were honestly walking on eggshells early time this year due to minor inconvenieces but nothing really to be alarmed. I thought we just needed more time to bond together since we spent the holidays with our family and we just missed each other. Everything was just fine days before she broke up with me (or so that was I thought?)

 

Your closure starts here. By opening your eyes and acknowledging to yourself that your relationship wasn't perfect, that the issues weren't minor and that perhaps you were so fixated on what you want out of the relationship, you were in a way blind and oblivious to the problems and the extent of them. Accept that everything wasn't fine and then stop looking for answers from your ex and do some introspection. Words like walking on eggshells and I was so invested how dare she leave aren't indicative of a healthy relationship dynamic. Needing to reconnect after three years just because you spent the holidays apart? Sounds to me like this relationship has been dying for awhile, but you've been in serious denial. Lift the denial and look underneath, for there is your closure.

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OP

I just got ghosted for weeks, then the official break up via email, all this after a 4 year relationship. It wasn't a good relationship, I made a thread about it here as well.

 

I feel what you are going through. All the advice is easier said than done. One thing for sure is DO NOT LOOK at photos or them on social media. It's damaging and soul crushing. Even if you are feeling good inside and think you can handle it. It's almost like knowing the iron is hot, but you touch it anyways thinking it won't hurt you. It will definitely hurt you, and you already knew it would.

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First of all: Feel ya’ man! It truly is a shattering feeling, but you’re not alone, you’re not abnormal!

 

I haven’t gotten any closure, even though. I know what happened, and that he truly didn’t tell me the whole truth because he knew I would bleed like hell and didn’t want me to hurt any more... But I don’t feel like I know him anymore. So I don’t know... What do you feel would give you closure? I think that’s individual.. For me nothing short of him wanting me back is enough. Maybe if he regretted the breakup and I turned him away 🤔😂

 

Regarding NC - I just kept telling myself “ what are the chances that he’ll say what I want him to say?”. For me, because he found a new girl after one week, there was like zero chance, so.. Actually the NC haven’t been hard until now, 6 months later...

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Hello, I'm new here but I feel like my experience can help you. I believe the general consensus is that closure is never enough. Even if you get it (which I sort of did) it's never going to satisfy you. When my ex broke up with me it was all I wanted. Then we had the let's get coffee and sit down and talk type of closure. Honestly it was really hard and if anything it made me feel a little worse because he blamed me for everything. So that was his closure but it wasn't for me. In my opinion closure doesn't exist in the sense of you'll understand everything and move on. Sometimes it's better to leave it where it ended

There's this quote I love which says "sometimes the only closure you need is realizing you deserve better" and clearly if she broke up with you via text you deserve better!!

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No one can actually give you closure. It's about you and how you view the break up. The thing is that most people will never tell you the exact truth of why they broke up with you. Either to avoid hurting you, or because they're ashamed of the reason or they actually don't know exactly why they're not in love with you anymore.

 

Yes breaking up by text and such is coward and it's been done to me. But the thing is that most often than not even if she were to sit down with you and guide you through the break up, you'd still come up with more questions and it still wouldn't feel like closure. It's a bit similar to when people break no contact and send a long message expressing how they feel about the break up and demanding answered and the dumper either ignores or the answer doesn't sooth you and raises even more questions. If you're still in the denial or bargain stage of the break up (which most of us go through), no explanation will be satisfying.

 

We all put the responsibility in our healing and holding our hand through the break up on the other person but most often than not they won't be there soothing us and answer our FAQ about the break up.

 

It's very hard but sooner or later we have to realise that the break up itself is already closure. Knowing that someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with us is enough. Might not seem at first and I know it doesn't, but in time it becomes enough.

 

Hey, I've gotten the whole "truth" from an ex before, and I can tell you it's overrated as all hell. His truth definitely didn't line up with my truth, and hearing it hurt like a b*tch.

 

The whole needing closure from an ex thought process is just another way to keep yourself tied in. If you're disgusted by the fact that she used a text to end it, let yourself be angry and use that anger to propel you forward. You deserve better.

 

I agree with both of these. I do think needing closure after being told it’s over is a result of the bargaining stage, like others have said, it comes from wihin, being told “ I want to break up “ is pretty final.

 

Being ghosted, I can understand the need because you literally don’t know.

 

But when someone tells you, that acceptance has to come from within because the other person most likely would never be completely honest.

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Thank you everybody for your words. I am slowly coming to terms with break up consequences. Though I am not gonna lie, I am having a hard time adjusting that she's out of my life. Perhaps there were really problems that piled up from the start and I was blinded with my feelings and affection to my ex. Well... We are young and still have much to learn! Maybe it's time for me to face the present reality which is my closure— as simple as she doesn't want to be with me

anymore. No more bargaining. From this point, I am done searching for answers.

 

Currently I will focus on getting a new job. Regarding the NC, I will try with my every being's fiber to not contact my ex, and pray that my mind and body be clear and at peace already. I appreciate all your words and it's honestly a big help in getting me through this dark time.

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