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She broke up with me 4 days ago


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Hi there, this is my first post here, and I hope you can give me an advice!

 

We had a relatively short relationship, 4 months long (I’m 37 / she’s 39). We had a lot in common. Both were halfway out of a marriage / middle of a divorce, both have a 3 year old daughter on our own. We both met our wife/husband 13 years ago, and got married around the same time.

 

When we first met, we instantly clicked, it was like a dream. Everything went fine. I knew that we were in the same situation, we understood each other well, our family issues, etc. We had limited time to meet (2-3x a week) since we had to deal with our families too. But with time I really fell for her. I didn’t plan this, this is just happened. We planned some getaways together for a couple of days, etc.

 

Technically I’m still married, but we have closed our relationship with my wife a couple of months ago, however we are still married, but I was about to move out. My Ex-GF is in the middle of her divorce, her husband is already moved out, so I thought it’ll be fine. And everything went fine until 2 weeks ago. She got a really bad flu, with high fever, and we could only talk on the phone. After her illness, we met again, and everything was like before, not a single problem. But after a week or so she started to keep distance, suddenly minimized the communication, we met less because she became quite busy. And last Friday she broke up with me.

 

I saw this coming, but I didn’t do anything because I just didn’t believe that this is happening. Since I never give her a reason for this, and we never had any fight! She told me she cannot do this anymore, and the problem was not me. She cannot continue to manage this relationship.

 

She told me that they still have a lot of programs with her Ex-husband because of her little daughter, and they still plan the holidays together etc., and that is a fact that she cannot change. She’s tied. She is doing it for her daughter. I think she’s trying to keep this “family image” alive, no matter that they just divorced. Not to mention that the guy is living literally 2 blocks away, and he’s spending his spare time at HER home (from 5pm to 9pm or so, each and every single day, not to mention the weekends!). Cooking for them, playing with the kid. Come on, it’s like that they were never divorced at all! They have nothing to do with each other, plus the guy’s blocking my way. I’m pretty sure that he knows about me, and try to play this game, not to let my Ex live her life. And it seems like he succeeded…

 

I think that she’s weak, and never really told a guy to move out. Either she’s not prepared for that, or she has a lot of benefit from her husband being there (taking care of child / cooking).

 

The breakup: After she told me this I told her that I love her, and would like to be with her, and I’m prepared to move out from my family, to be with her, and wanted to enter a next level.]She never wanted me to move in with her. Obviously because of the EX-Hb. Half of the time we were kissing and hugging, and she started these! Holding my hand, and she couldn’t let me go, etc. She wanted to take me home by her car, I accepted, but soon I regretted. She was extremely nervous, almost crashed the car! I asked her what does happiness means to her. She replied: “Having a family for my little daughter”. Got myself out of the car mid-way, and she asked me to get back to the car for a kiss + hug. I just leaned in, let her hold my head, but I never kissed back. Then she grabbed my arm, holding me back. Got myself out of her hold, left without a word, never looked back.

 

I really don’t understand this. I think that her rational mind kicked in. Trying to keep this “ill” family image alive or so. But does this whole breakup thing with almost not letting me go mean the she still has feelings? I went into NC straight, It was 4 days ago.

 

What shall I do now? I really love her, and would like to be a part of her life. I want to move on, but it’s really hard now. I think the EX-Hb is the key thing here and the timing of this relationship. Should I wait for her? I think NC is my only chance. If she make up her mind and kick the guy not just on paper, maybe she’ll get in touch again?

 

Thank for your advice in advance!

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never ever ever ever get involved when:

1. the other person is not completely single and clear

2. you are not completely single and clear

 

it never works. until they or you have made a final split or committment to split (via paper filing, moving out, etc.) - neither is ready to get with anybody else.

period... end of story.

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Technically I’m still married, but we have closed our relationship with my wife a couple of months ago, however we are still married, but I was about to move out.

 

Back the truck up - you are married and still living with your wife, correct?

 

You don't see the irony in criticizing her ex-husband and their desire to keep their family intact when you're not even divorced yourself, and apparently don't even live under a different roof as your wife?

 

At the risk of sounding blunt....dude. DUDE. Most women will not want to date you at this point in your life. You are someone else's husband, even if the marriage is dead. I could understand if you two had been separated a while and had already moved out, but you say you only "closed" the relationship with your wife a couple months ago. And you'd been with your now-ex for 4 months. Can you clarify, did you cheat on your wife with this woman?

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Just to make it clear, I didn't cheat on my wife. We have closed the relationship by that time, shaked hands finally, and we started talking about the details of our divorce. I didn't have any physical contact (not even a hug) in the last 2.5 years with my wife, and previously we agreed that we can date others. We live separated in a house, I admit this is not the best situation, and I'm moving out in these days, because I'm not making this mistake again. I know that it was a terrible idea, and I was just asking for an advice for my problem.

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It's fairly simple...she's not over her ex and she's not processed losing her family yet.

 

Losing a marriage can be one of the most devastating things a person goes through. Some (like yourself) have already processed it, have already mourned the loss and have moved on. Some struggle and aren't where you are yet.

She is definitely not ready for another relationship.

 

It doesn't make her weak, it only means she's not in the same place you are with the ending of the marriage.

 

Be happy for the time you had together, wish her well and let it go.

It was bad timing, plus trying to have a girlfriend with your wife right there was never going to be a good start.

 

You both have a ways to go before you're in a good place to start any relationship off right.

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I think the issue here is you have only focused on how your situations are similar, and thus felt that this woman was in the same emotional space as you. She's not. You may feel 100% ready for a new relationship and are over your soon-to-be ex-wife. She is not ready for a new serious involvement and possibly still harbors feelings for her soon to be ex-husband.

 

I don't think you should wait around for her. First off, she is not asking you too. Second, even if she was, waiting around while someone makes a decision about you is demeaning and communicates desperation. I know this is a huge disappointment, but the only thing you can do is move on and find someone else to date once you've sorted out your business.

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Should you wait for her? I would say, no.

 

But if you do wait, expect to be waiting a very long time. She's not over her ex and she is still clinging onto the bit of family life they still have together.

It could take months, if not years for her to fully let go and there is always a chance too that they decide they can't let go and get back together.

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Unfortunately being married and living with your wife are sufficient reasons to break up. She needs to get her life in order and so do you. At this point it's just an affair.

I’m still married, but we have closed our relationship with my wife a couple of months ago, however we are still married, but I was about to move out.

 

I didn’t do anything because I just didn’t believe that this is happening. Since I never give her a reason for this, and we never had any fight! She told me she cannot do this anymore, and the problem was not me. She cannot continue to manage this relationship.

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I saw this coming, but I didn’t do anything because I just didn’t believe that this is happening. Since I never give her a reason for this, and we never had any fight! She told me she cannot do this anymore, and the problem was not me. She cannot continue to manage this relationship.

- Umm, you saw it coming.. so inside you knew, right?

 

FACTS:

She is still emotionally invested in her last relationship. No, she does not & cannot 'love' you or anyone else for a long time yet.

You came around way too soon.. where you felt 'ready', she was not.

This was a rebound relationship.. Short live & end as fast as they begin..sadly.

So, sorry you got involved in any of this :(.

 

I do not believe you 'love' either... It was 'lust'.. always so great & strong in beginning, as usual.

 

Fell apart quickly & was brutal on you? So, you'll hurt for a while.

As mentioned.... Never get involved when they still have a lot of baggage to deal with- mentally & emotionally.

 

So, stop bringing all about her Ex & kids up in this.. simple, all of that is not done as of yet- and she needs probably a good cpl of years to accept & fully heal from her marriage BU.

 

Answer.. To Move On.

 

Do not give in .. no more contact. Cut all ties and let her mourn her relationship from her past now.

She's got nothing to 'give'. you. No, she does not 'love' you. She's a hurting unit.. far from ready to move on again

to a healthy, stable relationship.

 

So, walk..... and keep walking. Expect nothing more..

Do not beg or chase. You will only keep losing.. and lose yourself, if you do.

 

Stand back up! And get on with your own life now.. there is nothing there for you re: her.

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