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Separated husband going on road trip for 12mths


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My husband and I are separated, even though we still spend time together. He is going away soon on a 12mth road trip and it is killing me, that I won't see him. He has suggested that I fly in fly out to catch up with him sometime, but money is going to be the problem. Should I ask him to compromise with me on the time he is planning to be away? I feel that I am the one who is freeting about being left alone and I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me some solid advice on this awkward situation?

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Well how do you guys view being separated?

 

A lot of couples try what's called a trial separation in times of trouble but I'm very sorry to say that in most cases this is just a stepping stone to actually breaking up.

 

Perhaps you are just prolonging the inevitable....

 

Not what you want to hear I know. My marriage ending almost killed me...I'm sorry for your pain.

 

To finish on a more positive note though, perhaps 12 months of mostly NC might be the catalyst that brings you two back together.

 

Regards

Carus*

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You said you are separated, so why is him going away for a year a problem for you? Many people would love to not see or hear from an ex for that long!

 

Perhaps it's time for you to establish your own life, apart from him, and learn to live on your own and do the things you want to do.

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I still love my ex and want to be with him.

Yeh sorry. A lot of us do.

 

Unfortunately this is one of those things in life that we have little to no control over...

 

The only thing you can do is work through the grief, take good care of yourself and start putting in plans as to what you need to do going forward.

I can only hope that NC will help him miss me also.

It very well may do if you do it properly. But try not to go into NC and just stare at the clock waiting.

 

Like I said, work through the grief and put one foot in front of the other. Day by day. Hour by hour. That's all you need to do right now....

 

As for NC, being that you are married do you not have kids together? A house? Business?

 

These things will need to be addressed perhaps down the line a bit...

 

For now just breathe... Sleep and eat best you can ok*

 

Carus*

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Was his trip planned before or after the separation? What caused this separation and how long has it been going?

 

The road trip sounds like an opportunity to open himself up to himself. To heal from whatever caused the separation and to truly find himself.

 

Unfortunately, NC is not generally the basis of helping someone find their way back, it is a mechanism to help them move on. Perhaps you need to understand better your part in the separation and start focusing on how you can be a better person instead trying to go back to a state of status quo that caused the separation in the first place.

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Are you still living together? What do you mean by "separated"? Legally separated? Have either of you filed for divorce? As long as you are not legally separated you are still married and therefore all your assets, income, debt, etc are all still jointly owned as while married. This means you are responsible for any expenses/debt he incurs on this road trip.

 

You need an attorney to sort this out asap and get your finances in order. What does he mean by 'year-long road trip'? If this is abandonment you need to act now and get an attorney asap. No one can simply drive away from a marriage without legally dissolving it first. It sounds like you are being scammed.

My husband and I are separated, even though we still spend time together. He is going away soon on a 12mth road trip and it is killing me, that I won't see him. He has suggested that I fly in fly out to catch up with him sometime, but money is going to be the problem.
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Hello Keyman,

Thank you for your reply, we have been separated for 7 mths, after continuous agueing about everything. We just drifted apart. He planned his trip a few months ago, so your probably right that its his way of moving on and as hard as it is, I too will have to do the same. 😥

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Hi Melancholy123,

Thank you for your reply, but thats the problem....I still love my ex and want to be with him. Where I live has very little activity to entertain one. I can only hope that NC will help him miss me also.

 

Regards

Diane

 

Even if your city is small you should be trying to get a life that doesn't revolve around your ex husband or change cities if you have to. Do you have friends and family?

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What were your arguments about?

 

I might be wrong but by your posts, it comes across like your everything revolved around your husband and if so, he might have become suffocated by this kind of a dynamic, thus the arguments, the separation and now a road trip. It screams of a person who is desperate to get out and breathe. At the same time, since you are both maintaining contact and he is willingly inviting you to join him here and there on his trip, it sounds like there might be some hope of restoring this marriage...it's just that both of you can't go back to status quo and you absolutely have to use this separation to actually build a life for yourself. Small town or big, make friends, join community events, start doing things for yourself. You simply cannot load all of your needs onto one person because it will break them. It's a burden that's simply too heavy to carry. Instead of fixating on "omg he is leaving", you really need to focus on yourself and how you've contributed to this situation in your marriage.

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Neither of us has filed for divorce, he moved out 7 months ago and we have our own bank accounts. Not sure what his intentions are at the moment with our marriage. That is something I will discuss with him before he leaves.

 

Well -- if you wanted to stay married, you would not have seperated. Separation is not a way to win someone back. I only agree with seperation as a tactic to save the marriage if one party needs to be away from the other due to alcohol or drug abuse, etc., and is getting help. What are his intentions for the marriage? Unless he moves back in with you or comes back from the trip and says "i have done some thinking, and i can't imagine not being married to you..." his intention is to stay split up. Do not have a "relationship talk" about the "state of the marriage" . He is speaking loud and clear if he is taking off for 12 months.

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Well -- if you wanted to stay married, you would not have seperated. Separation is not a way to win someone back. I only agree with seperation as a tactic to save the marriage if one party needs to be away from the other due to alcohol or drug abuse, etc., and is getting help. What are his intentions for the marriage? Unless he moves back in with you or comes back from the trip and says "i have done some thinking, and i can't imagine not being married to you..." his intention is to stay split up. Do not have a "relationship talk" about the "state of the marriage" . He is speaking loud and clear if he is taking off for 12 months.

 

I agree. You need to be real (and realistic) with yourself. I've rarely seen separations either in marriage or girlfriend/boyfriend helping to get the couple closer. We all know how the proverbial "take a break" often ends. But I could almost have a bit of faith if this separation was part of a plan where it'd have a defined time and a plan of what you'd both do during that time like therapy for example (individual and/or couples) or working on things that were missing in the relationship in separate. And even so, it's very rare that this works out, but it happens. But this is not the case here at all. He's not staying to work on the broken marriage. He's not accepting couples therapy or individual therapy to sort out the marriage. He's going on a year long trip for his own benefit and get away while you stay.

 

I wouldn't stay there waiting for him while he's having a blast in his road trip far away from you and you waiting and hoping that he comes back with an epiphany and wants to truly be with you. I think you shouldn't accept him leaving on his road trip without having a concrete plan of where you should live, finances and a definite answer from him on the state of the relationship. He needs to give a concrete answer about the divorce (but he's already given you one by going away for a year in the midst of your separation and without defining anything... that says a lot... ) I'd begin talking to an attorney to evaluate assets and all that and plan everything. I'm assuming there are no kids on the equation, because if there are and he's leaving for a year... it shows a strong lack of character.

 

If you stay here waiting for him and letting your life on hold waiting for him, don't be surprised if when he comes back he still doesn't want to be with you and either finalises the divorce that should've been finalised earlier or gives you news about "someone new". Where are your friends and family? Why can't you move to a place where you can create connections and a fulfilled life for yourself? Really, you two need to sort out all of this before he leaves and take concrete action.

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Yes, I have a few friends and family, but unable to confide in them as they thought I was stupid being with him anyway. Maybe I am....but I have been with him for a very long time and its hard to get my head around the fact that he's not in my life anymore.

 

Usually there's a reason when family and friends don't like your partner. Also, just because they don't like him, it doesn't mean that they won't listen to you and be there for you. Why not talk to them and why not hang out with them?

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Yes Annia you are definitely right. Maybe I just needed to hear this from a caring person like yourself. I will defiinitly have a discussion with him before he leaves. Thank you so much xx

 

Great. I know it hurts but at least having something defined will make you have a goal to work towards and will make it easy instead of this not knowing what will happen.

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You can confide in an attorney to discuss your options and what it entails when a spouse simply abandons you without filing for divorce. This will help clear up what financial and legal steps you need to take. For the emotional end of things confide in a therapist to help you navigate all this and guide you through this process. Separation is a step to divorce.

 

Running away for a year is not a way to improve a marriage. Perhaps he is taking his new mistress along and they will burn through all your assets while you have your head in the sand. This is not about kids dating and he needs a few days of "space". Check all your bank account,s credit cards, your credit report and have a long talk with your banker. You must see an attorney. You can't sit on your hands until the eviction notice is on your door and your bank accounts are cleaned out.

Yes, I have a few friends and family, but unable to confide in them as they thought I was stupid being with him anyway. Maybe I am....but I have been with him for a very long time and its hard to get my head around the fact that he's not in my life anymore.
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