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Hey all!

 

I have been dating a really nice guy for about 8 weeks now. We waited to have sex and became intimate on Valentine's Day. I have a question regarding libido. I am relatively inexperienced when it comes to dating- I've only ever had one long term relationship. That particular relationship became toxic...however, the sexual passion and excitement was so intense and the sex was amazing.

Sex is very important to me and I would be the happiest having it at least once a day... or at least everytime I see the person I'm dating. It makes me feel connected to the other person and it is a big factor in how I develop feelings.

 

This new guy seems to have a very mismatched libido compared to me. He does not initiate passionate kissing, touching, etc. When we have sex he is very quiet, and doesn't seem to enjoy the act as much as I do.

 

Is this a deal breaker or should I give it more time? I am confident that as our bond grows I will feel comfortable communicating with him my need for sex... however, I like to feel desired and wanted. I'm beginning to put him in the friend zoned. Is this headed nowhere or should I wait it out.

 

If I'm going to experience passion with someone, i usually find the attraction intense at the beginning. Im worried that if the passion is that lackluster during the honeymoon dating period, it will never happen!

Thoughts???

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Well for what it's worth a lot of men aren't super vocal during sex. You guys have only been seeing each other for a short while. Perhaps he is just trying to be a gentlemen? Or he is shy? Doesn't want to come on too strongly as far as being all over you?

 

Some men are more aggressive and forward than others. It may not be his lack of sex drive or libido difference more so than that he is taking it slowly initially. Do you try initiating more? Would you be okay being with a man who you had to initiate more than he did?

 

I think it's early on and hard to say. I personally am like you also and enjoy regular sex passion touching etc but if I saw potential at this point I'd try to take the lead more, let things progress and see if there's any change. That is what I would do but if you know from now that you don't feel sexually compatible and arent looking to waste any time then now is definitley a good time to walk away. The earlier the better. I think it all comes down to how you are feeling about the relationship overall and whether it's a real deal breaker if he's more meek and mild in bed. Maybe he just needs a bit of guidance lol if your willing to put that work in.

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How often may it happen that you may find a really nice guy? I am surprised about how fast people come up to conclusions about incompatibility? Shouldn't we try to giving it a little bit more time before giving up so early? Personally, I would try to make things work when there is something else in between: attraction and love, unless you are looking for something where you don't evaluate these things too much.

 

You stated it in your post that your previous relationship became toxic even though sex was amazing!!!

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I initiate and he still does not seem to be interested. Even during the act he seems like there are other things he'd rather be doing. It left me feeling very insecure and unattractive last night. I even suggested some things he could do and moved his hands... but he straight up refused. Very confusing

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Not confusing. He is not open to your needs and this along with sexual frustration and incompatibility especially this obvious this early on will simply lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.

 

You're not dating to become platonic pals so yes it is about incompatibility and no, you shouldn't try to give it a little bit more time. You tried it's not working for you.

Even during the act he seems like there are other things he'd rather be doing. I even suggested some things he could do and moved his hands... but he straight up refused.
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  • 3 months later...

HELP! Update!

 

still seeing this guy and for a short while the sex improved and became more frequent. It's been a full week now with no sex. He left for the weekend today and he refused my advances last night.

 

He has now offered information that he suffers from episodes of mania followed by depression. Could this explain the wavering libido? I'm so frustrated- he has many great qualities in a boyfriend but I just dont know if I can live like this with zero passion. I dont feel like I'm falling in love. [emoji58] to me sex is what differentiates a partner from a friend. He is my best friend at this point but I want so much more.

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You can't make someone have your sex drive. You can communicate your needs, but if they are either unwilling or unable to fulfill them, there's nothing you can do to change that.

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Ps. I tried flirty and dirty texting but he usually responds with shock and laughter.... like "omg hahaha" or with a simple kiss emoji. Sighhhhhh and I'm soooo physically attracted to him. But I'm started to feel unattractive.

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You aren't unattractive. The guy you are dating doesn't have the same passion you do. It's not a reflection of you it's a reflection of him. He showed you who he was months ago when you first posted. Why are you still with him - he's not going to become who you want him to be.

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HELP! Update!

 

 

 

He has now offered information that he suffers from episodes of mania followed by depression. Could this explain the wavering libido?

Is he on medication for this? Is he bipolar? That might definitely explain his low or fluctuating interest.

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You are fortunate he reveled that he has a serious mental illness after only dating 8 weeks. Before you jump in too deep educate yourself on what you could be getting into. It would be a good idea to read up on bipolar disorder.

 

The condition itself and medications tend to have a huge impact on libido and sexuality. This has nothing to do with your attractiveness. It has to do with his mental illness and possibly medications. Cut your losses, since you are already quite incompatible and questioning yourself..

 

Stop doing this, throwing yourself at someone rarely works.

Ps. I tried flirty and dirty texting but he usually responds with shock and laughter.... like "omg hahaha"
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I'm sorry. This guy isn't all that. You've only had one experienced relationship and you don't see that there are better guys. If this guy looks like he's not enjoying it. He's not enjoying it. And you've got to find someone who likes what you have to give. You need a guy whose just as much about sex as you are.

 

If this guy doesn't initiate he really doesn't want it.

 

If you want to have sex every day, you probably want someone who wants to have sex every day. And it really doesn't matter who he is as long as your getting the sex you want if that's your goal.

 

Also talking to guys is a sure way to kill their libido. You want the guy to have no brain and just be a penis with legs if you want his blood to flow down there. Talking to him is just going to make him think.

 

Libido is physiologically the lack of the ability to think, and that's why sex feels good. It's a vacation from your brain.

 

On the other hand there are plenty of predators and mind tripping people you do not want. Going into the sex every day scene is just as hard as never having sex. And being inexperienced you've got to figure out who's who for each and every person you see.

 

Learn how to read eyes, facial character, and body language like a pro. Look at some pornography and pay attention to their interactions and try to figure out which ones are acting and which ones are really feeling it.

 

I wouldn't suggest shooting pornography, that tears a lot of women apart. I've seen porn stars that turn 30, quit pornography and they're just totally dissatisfied with their whole lives, or they stay in porn and become ugly hag shows.

 

Just be careful, you're basically hunting for a really decent sex addict and there are good sex addicts but they're scarce.

 

Being inexperienced you might want to find an inexperienced guy and turn him into a beast, but you'll have to purge that insecurity, good boy, or cutsy out of him. And you might have to do this a few times before it works.

 

Just remember, when you're doing it, for goodness sake, don't think.

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The beginning of a relationship is an exciting time. The other person should be very EXCITED about you.

With one caveat - you are not living together or seeing eachother every day so expecting sex really often is not realistic.At this stage, you should be going on dates doing fun things to get to know eachother and not be so focused on constantly figuring out the next sexual encounter.

Honestly, if you have not had much relationship experience, i would opt out of dating someone who has a mental illness. You aren't super thrilled about this guy to begin with and have to really work at/cajol him this soon in the relationship. You are VERY focused on the sexual aspect and i wish you would look at this other aspect. If this is his "high' time when he is out doing new things -- imagine when he swings the other way and is low?

 

Go on coffee dates with different guys -- don't attach yourself to this one -- i would look elsewhere.

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