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Too Damaged for a Relationship?


chandler123
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Hello, my name is Chandler, and I am a 19 year old female despite the boy name, lol. I joined this forum because I'm in need of advice, and I apologize in advanced for my long post.

 

Over a year and a half ago, I had been in a relationship with a guy, who I was in love with dearly and who I was convinced loved me as well for he had told me many times. After 3 months, I was finally ready to have sex. It took us so long because I take sex carefully and seriously. Anyway, the morning after we had sex, I woke up to find that he had blocked me on all social media without any explanation, and I have never heard from him again. He just used me for sex, and this destroyed not only my self-worth but my trust in people.

 

As time passed, I felt ready to start dating again. I always look for a relationship but not a hookup, and unfortunately, all the men I have met so far are just interested in sex and nothing more. Thinking that maybe I was just being a prude, I did yet another sexual act with a different man only to have him ghost me afterwards.

 

However, a few weeks ago, I finally met a man, who appeared to be genuinely interested in forming a relationship with me and not just using me for sexual purposes. We talked constantly for about one and a half weeks before we decided to meet in person. We went on a date, and it went well. The weekend after, I stayed the night at his place, where things did get sexual. Before I went home, we both stated how we had a nice time, said we would talk later, and kissed each other goodbye.

 

Later that night, I noticed he had been taking much longer than usual to reply to my texts, and when he did, they were very short. It was unlike him, but I didn't make a big deal about it. Soon he just stopped replying all together and it was getting late, so I sent him a goodnight message, figuring I'd hear from him in the morning since he always sent me a 'good morning' message.

 

The next morning, I wake up with still nothing from him. He hadn't opened my message, yet it had been delivered over 9 hours ago, and he was active. Paranoid that this was yet another guy using me for sexual favors, I messaged him "blocked," took an unnecessary route, and blocked him.

 

Not even a minute later, I got a text from him on a different social media site saying "Blocked? Tf?" with a laughing emoji. I explained to him why I blocked him. He told me that his feelings were genuine for me, but now he wasn't sure and told me it wasn't going to work because I jumped to conclusions. No harsh words were said, I accepted it, unblocked him, and told him to take care.

 

Realizing that I made a rash and stupid mistake, I reflected on the situation throughout the day, skipping my classes and not eating because I was so sick that I had done that to a great guy. At the end of the night, I sent him a long, sincere apology. I explained to him about my past with being used for sex. I took responsibility for what I had done, told him I was regretful, and that I was "sorry that my past relationships damaged me for a great guy like you. You don't deserve that."

 

I did not beg, but I asked him for a second chance, so I could have a good man like him help change my negative outlook. He didn't accept my apology, but it instead appeared to make him even more angry with me, and we both have stopped contact for good.

 

I am regretful about blocking him because I really liked this man. He was good to me, I enjoyed his company and conversations, we had a lot in common and we had potential (we were never an official relationship but talked about it), but I blew it because I jumped to conclusions and tried to protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to fix things with my apology, which I truly meant. I am worried that I am too damaged to be in a relationship or find love again because I am paranoid that every man I date will want me for sex.

 

So, my question to this forum is do you think that what I did was unforgivable? And how do I heal from my past and stop jumping to conclusions, so I will never make the same mistake in a future relationship?

Edited by chandler123
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It could be that you're not being used at all and that there is a problem. I know some guys have complained that being with a girl was terrible due to natural odor, poor hygiene, or something else. Once they were with that girl for the first time they didn't want to do anything with that girl. As an example, one guy complained his girl smelled like poop there because she "wiped wrong". After their first encounter he didn't want to be with her anymore. He didn't have the guts to tell her and it was just easier for him to ghost her. I don't know if this is happening with you but there may be a different reason than what you think is happening. And it may not even be odor, it could be anything.

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It could be that you're not being used at all and that there is a problem. I know some guys have complained that being with a girl was terrible due to natural odor, poor hygiene, or something else. Once they were with that girl for the first time they didn't want to do anything with that girl. As an example, one guy complained his girl smelled like poop there because she "wiped wrong". After their first encounter he didn't want to be with her anymore. He didn't have the guts to tell her and it was just easier for him to ghost her. I don't know if this is happening with you but there may be a different reason than what you think is happening. And it may not even be odor, it could be anything.

 

Thank you for your comment, but I can guarantee that odor is not the case. I have good hygiene and take very good care of myself down there. The first guy who used me for sex did in fact because I ended up finding out that he had done that to several other girls and even told my friend he just used me for sex but enjoyed it. May it be something else, I haven't got a clue. I wish these men would be more upfront, so if there is a problem, I could fix it.

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The problem is not you. The guy doesn’t sound that great of a guy to be honest. A great guy would understand and stick around. It sounds like all the guys you’ve been with were just in it for sex. I would use better judgment next time and wait on sex and take time to really get to know them. Save sex for someone truly special.

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The problem is not you. The guy doesn’t sound that great of a guy to be honest. A great guy would understand and stick around. It sounds like all the guys you’ve been with were just in it for sex. I would use better judgment next time and wait on sex and take time to really get to know them. Save sex for someone truly special.

 

Thank you - I needed to hear that. I agree about saving sex for that special someone. The only guy that I had sex with, however, is the first one I mentioned. The others I did sexual stuff with (oral, manual, etc.) but not sex. I should have probably clarified that better in my post, but I didn't want to go into too much detail.

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Ok first of all I don't think it has anything to do with odor or whatever else the other poster has vaguely suggested. I think you are just picking the wrong men. Many men lose interest after sex. Just because you are waiting months, does not mean that he will stick around. Unfortunately some people, men and women, are really just interested in the chase. Once you give in, sexually or emotionally, they just lose interest and that shows through a decrease in showed interest. I do not think you are damaged, just more aware. Because believe me, this has happened to most people. Try to be more careful with whom you start a relationship with, and whom you open up to. Maybe take a look at what kind of men you are attracted to, and date outside of that. Please don't think this is all about you and who you are as a person, because as I said, this has happened to the vast amjority of people. Good luck :)

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I wouldn't stick around. I'd like to think I'm entitled to have 12 hours away from my phone, especially but not exclusively if we're including work or sleep. It's fine to note a deviation from a routine. But jumping straight to "blocked" because texts tapered off one particular night and he didn't text "gm" is going to drive off pretty much any self-respecting guy.

 

Not that I'm claiming this guy a catch. I can't speak to his actual level of interest nor his intent; only to your actions. Try to mellow down a bit in the future. If you're insecure due to having been cheated on, take time to work that out before hitting the dating scene. You're 19, so no one's going to crucify you. Plenty of time to take your lessons and learn from them.

Edited by j.man
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Ok first of all I don't think it has anything to do with odor or whatever else the other poster has vaguely suggested. I think you are just picking the wrong men. Many men lose interest after sex. Just because you are waiting months, does not mean that he will stick around. Unfortunately some people, men and women, are really just interested in the chase. Once you give in, sexually or emotionally, they just lose interest and that shows through a decrease in showed interest. I do not think you are damaged, just more aware. Because believe me, this has happened to most people. Try to be more careful with whom you start a relationship with, and whom you open up to. Maybe take a look at what kind of men you are attracted to, and date outside of that. Please don't think this is all about you and who you are as a person, because as I said, this has happened to the vast amjority of people. Good luck :)

 

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment! It is great advice, and I will definitely be taking it. :)

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ok..... wow.. ok. here we go:

 

do you think that what I did was unforgivable?

there is some logic to what you did - it is understandable. however, it is NOT how healthy people act and not the type of behavior conducive to long-term love success. So yes it is forgivable, but it's also detrimental and unhealthy. Best to stop it - figure out how to.

 

A big step in doing that is to remember that you CAN NOT hold "new guys" responsible for anythin that happened in the past. You just can't. You can only hold them responsible for what they ACTUALLY DO. (Just as you would never want any guy to make YOU pay for the wrongdoings of his ex's right?)

 

how do I heal from my past and stop jumping to conclusions?

realize firstly that it WILL take time. changing your perspective, mentality, and how yo approach life is NO SMALL TASK and it WILL TAKE TIME. And you will have to be persistent and consistent in committing to the change - because your "natural instincts" will keep trying to pull you back to your "old self" which does these unhealthy things.

 

So first.. allow yourself a lot of time and committment to trust that the hard work and time is WORTH IT to not go thru this again down the road. ok?

 

Again.. a big step is to stop holding "new guys" responsible for past experiences that others have imposed upon you. That is a HUGE step (aka "learning to let go" and "staying in the moment").

Step 2 is to go back and identify all of the common things about the guys that used you for sex and see what characteristics you can gather that might help tip you off to the bad apples going forward. Some things may be - emphasis is a bit too much about sex too early, they tend to want to move fast, are they "turning on" the charm and romance early on (you said in your last incident you slept together in about a week no?)? Find out al of these commonalities and put them in the "red flag" bank. Then see how things go. Which red flags prove to be wrong (not indicative of using you for sex or emphasizing sex?)

 

Step 3 will be the hardest part. What I've learned in life is that what you attract is typically a refletion upon where you are. If you are insecure, down, have low expectations - you will attract the people that can satisfy low-expectations and insecure people's needs (like.. "being used"). Do you have a need to be in a relatinoship? Are scared of being alone or single? have a need to be liked or adored (and by men specifically)? Are you insecure? Do you feel like you can't have high quality guys and only low quality guys are "in your league"?

 

for me. I used to go for what was "easy" and I knew i could get and win over - but didn' go after the high quality people. So in a way i was desperate and low-expectations and insecure.

Once I stopped that and demanded more of myself, more for myself, and raised my expectations that only quality gals can be with me, and that i need to ensure i am a quality guy for them and work on lots of things on myself (like being more fun, understanding, conversational, a better partner, better supportive partner, a better person in general and a higher quality person) - things turned around for me.

 

Thats' plenty for now. Realize that the brain is a POWERFUL force in our universe and the energy that surrounds you. So your mentality, thoughts, etc. - play a HUGE part in all this. (I expect doctors and scientists in the future to figure this out and have studies to prove it down the road. We don't appreciate the power of our brains and our thoughts yet in today's science).

 

Goood luck and hit me up any time if ou want to talk. I've been thru this and made the change myself.

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I don't think you are damaged at all!! You are a pretty 19 year old who is trying to navigate dating and sex. Not always easy!

It may sound old fashioned, but the easiest way I found to date and have fun with guys at that age was by keeping sex out of. You have to build the self esteem through other means than guys validating you as a nice thick insulation to the inevitable rejections and misunderstanding that happen with a bunch of people your age all trying to figure it out.

You aren't damaged, you are just learning.. going to make mistakes.. same as all the guys you may date and all your friends.

 

I will say, I do think there is potential of damage to yourself if you keep choosing to get sexual so quickly. When I read you say you waited months and you found that long, well even at your age I was not in a rush like that. Mostly because I saw so many good friends rush into getting sexual, hoping that would get her closer to someone, and it breaking her down where she did treat herself as 'damaged'.

 

I repeat.. you made mistake of thinking guys wanting quick sex as a reflection on you. It's not. One has nothing to do with the other. I recommend just FUN and dating that keeps things activity based. When you feel better about it, then re evaluate being sexual with someone.

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oh.. i will say this. of the gals i've slept with once and it was over after that - it as typically because we were incompatible in bed. or moreso..

my philosophy is that you see people's true colors where they can't hide in 2 places only (actually 3 places now):

1. in the bedroom during sex

2. when they're driving

3. when they're buzzed

 

in my opinion these are the areas where people show their true colors - how selfish they are, how giving they are, how interested they are, how aggressive or docile they are, what's important to them, are they a taker or a giver, are the open or closed-minded, adventurous or conservative, etc.

so the times i slept once and it was over is because we were SO NOT A MATCH in bed - like drastically so - that it was clear it wouldn't work out long-term.

 

i dont' know if most guys are like that BUT - realize that how you are in bed probably says a lot about your true colors (regardless of how you portray yourself publicly otherwise). So what are you? is there anything there that could be non-conducive to relationships?

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I don't think you are damaged at all!! You are a pretty 19 year old who is trying to navigate dating and sex. Not always easy!

It may sound old fashioned, but the easiest way I found to date and have fun with guys at that age was by keeping sex out of. You have to build the self esteem through other means than guys validating you as a nice thick insulation to the inevitable rejections and misunderstanding that happen with a bunch of people your age all trying to figure it out.

You aren't damaged, you are just learning.. going to make mistakes.. same as all the guys you may date and all your friends.

 

I will say, I do think there is potential of damage to yourself if you keep choosing to get sexual so quickly. When I read you say you waited months and you found that long, well even at your age I was not in a rush like that. Mostly because I saw so many good friends rush into getting sexual, hoping that would get her closer to someone, and it breaking her down where she did treat herself as 'damaged'.

 

I repeat.. you made mistake of thinking guys wanting quick sex as a reflection on you. It's not. One has nothing to do with the other. I recommend just FUN and dating that keeps things activity based. When you feel better about it, then re evaluate being sexual with someone.

 

 

Thank you so much! That makes me feel a lot better, and I will be focusing on more innocent fun when dating instead of sexual in the future. Thanks again for your advice. :)

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So, first things first: Take a deep breath, then three more. Now give yourself a hug, silly as that sounds. But do it, really.

 

Because you are awesome, and that is forever. Awesome people get ghosted after sex and awesome people get a little spazzy and send "blocked" texts and awesome people get all sorts of crazy in the pursuit of lust and love.

 

That's what makes it all so awesome.

 

And also, yeah, so very confusing and sometimes painful. But it would all be a bore if it were easy.

 

Now, getting to the nitty gritty. Yeah, the whole "blocked" text sucked. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, since you're strong and awesome and so, so very far from "too damaged." What happened, as you know, is that you flung a bit of past "damage" his way and he shut down. I've been in dude's shoes, been in yours. Not the coolest, and I'm sorry for that episode. But: it happens. Next time you have a nice date maybe stay away from the bedroom a bit longer. And next time you find yourself getting jittery after a little bedroom fun and a lag in communication—because it's going to happen—go for a run.

 

Other than that, no massive lessons here, nothing to beat yourself up about. If you're still sending "blocked" texts at 29 or 39—well, I know that's not you so let's not even bother with that phantom wormhole.

 

A lot of dating, in ways, is (a) learning to process and contain our "damage" and (b) throwing our "damage" at people and seeing how they take it. The former is conscious, the latter often subconscious, and it's all always evolving as we evolve. It's a dance where no one really knows the steps—not at 19, not at (my age) 39.

 

Those we're able to end up in a relationship with—be it a week, two months, years—tend to be those who don't shut down when hit by our damage, but who magically and mysteriously open up. And, sure, a big part of that is learning to keep our damage in check, so it doesn't come up too fast or too sharp—to go for that run instead of sending that text.

 

But it's also just the voodoo no one understands and everyone is chasing. Like, there is a parallel reality where the "blocked tf lol" text leads to a sweet little exchange, a nice date, and months later y'all are laughing about the whole "blocked" moment. But that is not this reality, alas, because he's not that guy. His loss, your loss, life.

 

At the risk of pulling the twice your age card and sounding like a wise person, I'll just say that it's clear as day from this thread that you've got a great heart and a great head on your shoulders. Don't let any of this make you think otherwise.

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I agree that you were really hasty in blocking him.

you punished him for what a DIFFERENT guy did to you. To me, if a guy did that to me (i am female) i would not continue or try again because it makes me think he would always treat me that way -- assume I am "just like the others" and I would never get a fair shake.

 

I think that you should not have sex with a guy the first week. How do you do that? you have dates where you meet and part in public the first few times and you then don't have any dates for awhile that involves going back to eachother's places at night, being together in the wee hours (1-3 am, etc,) where one thing could lead to another.

 

If a guy is genuine, he will wait. He will wait 3 months. He will wait 6 months. He will wait a year.

 

you are young. you have lots of time to find a serious relationship. I would focus on trade school or college or working and hobbies and experience all you can to shape who you are. Honestly, I didn't start dating until I was 21. If you feel you are not ready and you keep overreacting, focus on friendships. You can get through this - you will be okay -- just give yourself time

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Thank you so much! That makes me feel a lot better, and I will be focusing on more innocent fun when dating instead of sexual in the future. Thanks again for your advice. :)

 

Thanks for the picture. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, you look like good relationship material. Even the eyes are sparkly. I wish we could just get the answer from the guys that ghosted as to why they did that. Maybe they would say they're scum and it's normal for them. I hope you find someone good. Don't take their actions too personally. It's hard not to be cautious when your first string of people turn out to be bad but hopefully as these men grow older they will learn how not to ghost people. I don't think you screwed up that badly for the outcome that happened. I guess that guy is taking being blocked too seriously even though it was an honest mistake on your part.

 

One thing I try to do in your situation is give new people a clean slate. I'll tell myself that sure others may have done x but maybe this person is different. The other thing I would try in your case is to ask if they are ghosting. "I haven't heard from you since last night, are you ok?" might work better and not reveal that you think they're about to ghost you.

 

Good luck to you in the future.

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Look....you need to get away from this toxic thinking that having sex is somehow being used. The only way you can be used for sex is if you agreed to a certain payment in exchange for having sex with the guy and he slept with you and didn't pay up. In that case, you can claim to have been used. Anything outside of this scenario is simply two consensual adults enjoying intimacy and mutually so.

 

So, own what you are doing and for what purpose. Don't have sex unless YOU personally want to have sex, no ulterior motives or manipulative bs, no strings attached. I'm not saying that you should just jump into bed with every random dude on first date. What I am saying is do NOT use sex as a commodity wherein you sleep with the guy in exchange for gaining a relationship. Yes, sex is a part of every healthy relationship, but there is more to every relationship than just sex and nobody will give you that connection just because you slept with them. Hope I'm making sense here....... To put it very simply, if you want to sleep with the guy go for it, if you don't, then don't. Don't do sleep with him with some kind of expectation that this will create a relationship with him. You will be disappointed.

 

If you need to feel an emotional connection and want a relationship before you sleep with him, then focus on that. Keep in mind that developing a bond with another person has nothing to do with some artificial holding out on sex. You can hold out for months, but if he is playing you and there is no real connection or relationship between you, then holding out for the sake of holing out will do nothing but get you what you already got - he'll sleep with you and bail. At the same time, if you meet a guy who genuinely likes you and wants to be connected and you hold out just to play games and test him...you'll drive him off too. Confused yet? The answer is that you sleep with him when you feel like it because you want to and without using it as barter for a relationship. Does that make sense?

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Look....you need to get away from this toxic thinking that having sex is somehow being used. The only way you can be used for sex is if you agreed to a certain payment in exchange for having sex with the guy and he slept with you and didn't pay up. In that case, you can claim to have been used. Anything outside of this scenario is simply two consensual adults enjoying intimacy and mutually so.

 

YEEESSSSS

 

You fully participated. you wanted sex - you got it. You are just upset that you didn't get what you want AFTER sex (a relationship).

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Thank you so much @bluecastle for your kind words and wonderful advice. Your post made me smile and think of this negative situation a little more positively. I appreciate it. :)

 

And thank you, Mari, that's very kind of you to say. I wish that I knew the answers, too, and I agree, that would have been the better approach rather than to block just them.

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I agree with j.man's perspective.

 

This guy might not be Prince Charming, but I also think you developed a false sense of attachment and intimacy with him. You hardly know the guy, so it's too soon to determine if he is a "great guy" or not. It's too soon to know how he usually is with girls he dates. You are basing this one deviation in his texting behaviour on just a couple weeks of messaging with him. You can't get to know someone over messaging and texting anyway.

 

And therein lies the other problem - all this texting is creating expectations and a belief that you know him and his typical behaviour when you really don't. As I see it (and I admit I'm nearly 20 years older than you) texting has created the unrealistic expectation of immediate responses and people have arbitrary timelines in their head of when someone "should" respond. You didn't give him the chance to respond when he chose. You panicked when it wasn't when you chose, and didn't take a deep breath before acting.

 

I see that you tried to apologize and he's not interested in hearing it, really. I don't mean to be harsh, but your message to him explaining your past and asking for another chance is just too much. He is still virtually a stranger to you and it comes across as you being overly attached already. A simple apology would have sufficed.

 

I think this guy isn't the one you're looking for anyway, but in the future - breathe. Let things unfold naturally between you and a guy, and don't spend too much time messaging right away. Out of curiosity, where did you meet him?

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And to @abitbroken and @DancingFool: yes, I get that. Thank you. Those are good points, and they are noted.

 

The most recent two are completely on my part. However, I stated the first guy I was already in a relationship with for 3 months before we had sex, who said he loved me, and then ditched. There's no excuse for that.

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