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Am I a bad person?


Menow
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I have been seeing a woman for 4 years. We started with amazing chemistry and still have it occasionally.

 

I have been struggling for 3 years, much of our relationship, with a lack of physical connection. We can have good sex but it’s way too infrequent for me (sometimes every 2-3 weeks). I would like it every few days but would settle for once a week. We have talked about it a lot, but I often get “it’s all about sex” or “it’s not all about you”. She hasn’t initiated sex or given me a complement on my physical appearance in years. And I always focus on her and she has great orgasms but I have to ask for attention to me.

 

She is post-menopausal, has had dozens of partners since she was divorced 15 years before we met and it seems sometimes she is just all used up. I can understand a decrease in desire but not the seemingly complete lack of interest in connecting with and pleasing her partner. She doesn’t touch me and doesn’t like to me touch her usually because it might lead to sex. I’m at my wits end. We have planned on spending the rest of our lives together but I can’t spend the rest of my life feeling frustrated and empty. I’m a smart, good looking guy and am quite well off and would have plenty of options if I wanted them. On top of it all, she needed to retire early for reasons I won’t go into here and I have been fully supporting her.

 

Ug. I seem to be really negative on her, but She is an amazing woman in many ways I won’t go into here, we have a lot in common, have common goals and sensibilities and there’s a lot of positive things and we still click sometimes. I just can’t deal with the lack of physical affection and apparent lack of physical attraction anymore and am considering breaking up over this. Am I a bad person? Is insufficient physical affection a valid reason to break up in a relationship where there is otherwise love and connection? I’m almost 58 and I hear the clock ticking loudly.

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It sounds like relationship conflicts and resentments building up as well as lack of romance and taking things for granted. This is about a bad relationship and bad communication, not hormones.

 

She is not suddenly going to change especially given her comment about you being selfish and self centered. That sounds more like contempt. Perhaps it's best you go your separate ways.

I have been struggling for 3 years, much of our relationship, with a lack of physical connection.

 

We have talked about it a lot, but I often get “it’s all about sex” or “it’s not all about you”.

 

I’m a smart, good looking guy and am quite well off and would have plenty of options if I wanted them.

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'..She is an amazing woman in many ways I won’t go into here, we have a lot in common, have common goals and sensibilities and there’s a lot of positive things and we still click sometimes'

____________________________

 

Dude..sorry but, really? At 58, you're thinking of leaving a fantastic woman because you can't have sex with her more often than once every 2-3 weeks? 'Settle' for once a week? You sure you're not 18? Good luck finding a decent sane attractive woman of 58 with whom you'll have as much in common and who'll be interested in more sex than this after 4 years together! I'm not saying you're bad person. I'm just saying you sound like a teen..when you're not by a long shot.

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Relationships are like a tripod - you need intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection for it to work and stand strong. If any one of these is missing, your relationship will collapse.

 

What you are describing goes beyond just sex. She seems to have an overall toxic attitude toward men and that they only want sex and she, therefore, will resent and resist that. On the rare occasion that she is interested in sex, it would seem that she couldn't care less about pleasing you....and that's just not acceptable on any level and pretty callous of a partner. On top of that, you are lacking basic affection at large. So yes, the relationship is unfulfilling.

 

Not going to tell you to stay or go. I will say this - if the only good thing you can say about her is that you have things in common, are your interests really so utterly unique that no other woman could match you? Probably not. Be sure that after 4 years you aren't sticking around purely out of habit and sense of responsibility since you are supporting her, rather than any true love and connection. Your relationship sounds rather loveless from the way you've described things. Take a big step back and take an honest look at what you have. Not what you used to have 4 years ago, what is your reality today.

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I'd be delighted to do it every day and I'm in my 50s.

 

And yes, I would have a serious discussion if the man I was in a relationship only wanted sex every 2-3 weeks and treated it like a chore instead of the wonderful experience sex is. Lack of sex is one of the reasons I'm not married to my husband anymore.

 

If you haven't yet, have a discussion (not in bed or after a sexual rejection) with her about trying to reach a compromise. I think your connection is worth trying. If she refuses, then leaving the relationship is a valid option.

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you need to allow room for the fact that maybe she's just not into sex. Not everybody is into sex. Especially post-menopausal. You can't force somebody not into sex into sex - that just isn't cool. And it is selfish and "all about you" at that point if all you can talk about is sex and talking about how you need it.

 

Have you asked her once why she doesn't seem to be into sex as much?

Have you asked her what would make her enjoy and desire more sex together (and if it's possible)?

Have you gotten her side of the story yet?

 

If not - then she's telling you straight to your face (and correct) that this is all about you and that you're being selfish. NO relatoinship is healthy or sustainable when either or both sides is being selfish and making it all about them.

 

Lastly.. after finding out her side - you have a decision to make. If you are sexually incompatible is that a deal break for you? Is the sex that improtant to you that it's enough to leave her? If you were to isntead find a completely sexual creature but had nothing else you wanted - would that be a better relationship for you and would you be happier with that? These are all the questions you must prepare to answer after you find out her story.

 

EX. For me. The bedroom IS important and I have come to accept that I need a highly sexually energetic person who desires and enjoys sex and enjoys giving and exploring in the bedroom. it took me a long time to admit and accept that but i do now. and so it is a must in my relationships. the bonus is - once you are able to accept and acknowledge that and thus it becomes part of your search - the search is more productive and who comes along ends up being more conducive to that in a strange twist of fate. The bedroom for me has been fantastic since.

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I must ask you this OP... when you got together with her how often did you have sex? And what was her attitude towards sex before / during / after the honeymoon period? Was she ever a touchy feely person or has she always been this way and you were just pushing past and hoping it would change?

 

Someone in their 50's can still have a vibrant and active sex life if the person they are with has chemistry and each person is passionate about nurturing that in the other. If she has had as many sexual partners as you say she has, then she enjoys sex... and the reason she doesn't want it now is because she probably feels something important is missing from your relationship.

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It’s not just the sex. The whole physical affection thing is mostly missing. She rarely touches me, often says things like my hands or cold or I’m tickling her if I touch her and rarely initiates any sort of physical affection. Yet she says she loves me, thinks I’m attractive etc.... just doesn’t act on it... says I should just know. I don’t think only teens want some physical intimacy and affection in a relationship... isn’t that part of a relationship? She is a great woman, but most of the time it’s like we are just friends, yet we are a couple, I’m fully supporting her since she went on disability and she plans on spending the rest of her life with me. I’m having a harder and harder time picturing that with an essential part of the relationship mostly missing.

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That's a main reason why I divorced my husband. He hated for me to touch him and he acted like sex was some kind of unreasonable demand I was placing on him. I would have been happy to have sex several times a week (still would), but he would say things like "No, I can't PERFORM!" like I was asking him to juggle or do magic tricks.

 

I already had plenty of great friends. I thought when I married him I'd have a husband, someone with whom I could share life and a family and affection, but he told me "married people don't act like that" whenever I tried to love on him.

 

So, now he's no longer a "married person".

 

Have you sat her down and had a serious discussion? I told my husband that I was getting close to the breaking point and if he didn't want things to get better, he was going to lose me. Obviously, he chose to lose me. Hopefully your wife will respond differently than my husband did.

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I have been seeing a woman for 4 years. We started with amazing chemistry and still have it occasionally.

 

I have been struggling for 3 years, much of our relationship, with a lack of physical connection. We can have good sex but it’s way too infrequent for me (sometimes every 2-3 weeks). I would like it every few days but would settle for once a week. We have talked about it a lot, but I often get “it’s all about sex” or “it’s not all about you”. She hasn’t initiated sex or given me a complement on my physical appearance in years. And I always focus on her and she has great orgasms but I have to ask for attention to me.

 

She is post-menopausal, has had dozens of partners since she was divorced 15 years before we met and it seems sometimes she is just all used up. I can understand a decrease in desire but not the seemingly complete lack of interest in connecting with and pleasing her partner. She doesn’t touch me and doesn’t like to me touch her usually because it might lead to sex. I’m at my wits end. We have planned on spending the rest of our lives together but I can’t spend the rest of my life feeling frustrated and empty. I’m a smart, good looking guy and am quite well off and would have plenty of options if I wanted them. On top of it all, she needed to retire early for reasons I won’t go into here and I have been fully supporting her.

 

Ug. I seem to be really negative on her, but She is an amazing woman in many ways I won’t go into here, we have a lot in common, have common goals and sensibilities and there’s a lot of positive things and we still click sometimes. I just can’t deal with the lack of physical affection and apparent lack of physical attraction anymore and am considering breaking up over this. Am I a bad person? Is insufficient physical affection a valid reason to break up in a relationship where there is otherwise love and connection? I’m almost 58 and I hear the clock ticking loudly.

 

I don't think wanting more intimacy with your partner makes you a bad person. Everyone's wants and needs are different. Yours is that you need more sex and its completely normal. If both of you still want to work things out and have talked about it thoroughly, maybe it help help to go see a couples counseling or therapist, maybe even doctor to see what could be done to improve her sex drive.

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Things were great during the honeymoon period. We were best friends for months before we dated and the honeymoon lasted 6-7 months.

 

I know things change but it’s night and day. We’ve discussed this many many times. She says she wants more emotional intamacy, but nothing I do seems to move the needle. She’ll say things were great for weeks and weeks, with no change on her end and eventually I let my frustrations creep in and I say something which upsets her and gets us off the rails.

 

I have let her know that it’s hard to sustain the level emotional intimacy she wants while physically intamacy is being withheld. She says she isn’t withholding and I get plenty.

 

And yes, she does like sex, it was very good early on, is still good when we have it (albeit mostly focused on her pleasure), and she’s let me know (uncomfortably for me) that she was active and passionate in the past before me, but that was in the past and she is post-menopausal and she just doesn’t have the desires she used to have.

 

Unfortunately she then tends to avoid any physical affection or intimacy (other than a hello and good bye kiss and hug) because it could lead to me wanting sex. This partially true I guess, but I’ve been careful for a long time now with not pressuring her and it just seems to be a rut we can’t get out of.

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That’s my frustration showing. Yes, I was harsher than I should have been. she’s let me know that she had a vibrant and passionate life before me, and I saw some of that in the beginning of us but now she says she just doesn’t have the desire in general that she used to, and will only make love if she totally feels it. I’m not a very jealous type, but I do sometimes have visions of her with her previous guys making passionate love while I lay there frustrated and alone.

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That’s my frustration showing. Yes, I was harsher than I should have been. she’s let me know that she had a vibrant and passionate life before me, and I saw some of that in the beginning of us but now she says she just doesn’t have the desire in general that she used to, and will only make love if she totally feels it. I’m not a very jealous type, but I do sometimes have visions of her with her previous guys making passionate love while I lay there frustrated and alone.

Edited by Menow
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you need to allow room for the fact that maybe she's just not into sex. Not everybody is into sex. Especially post-menopausal. You can't force somebody not into sex into sex - that just isn't cool. And it is selfish and "all about you" at that point if all you can talk about is sex and talking about how you need it.

 

Have you asked her once why she doesn't seem to be into sex as much?

Have you asked her what would make her enjoy and desire more sex together (and if it's possible)?

Have you gotten her side of the story yet?

 

If not - then she's telling you straight to your face (and correct) that this is all about you and that you're being selfish. NO relatoinship is healthy or sustainable when either or both sides is being selfish and making it all about them.

 

Lastly.. after finding out her side - you have a decision to make. If you are sexually incompatible is that a deal break for you? Is the sex that improtant to you that it's enough to leave her? If you were to isntead find a completely sexual creature but had nothing else you wanted - would that be a better relationship for you and would you be happier with that? These are all the questions you must prepare to answer after you find out her story.

 

EX. For me. The bedroom IS important and I have come to accept that I need a highly sexually energetic person who desires and enjoys sex and enjoys giving and exploring in the bedroom. it took me a long time to admit and accept that but i do now. and so it is a must in my relationships. the bonus is - once you are able to accept and acknowledge that and thus it becomes part of your search - the search is more productive and who comes along ends up being more conducive to that in a strange twist of fate. The bedroom for me has been fantastic since.

 

I am post menopausal and would be happy to have sex daily.

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The most liberated thing I ever grasped is that there are no judges or juries when it comes to our love lives. Nobody else is living our love life FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote. All adult relationships being voluntary, you don't need to build a 'case' to walk away from any relationship that is not working for you. You don't even need a good 'enough' reason. The fact that it isn't working for you is all you need to know or say.

 

Most people are wonderful! That doesn't make them a good match. Most people are NOT our match, and that's not cynical, it's just natural odds.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll find a better match for you.

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Why is she on disability and why are you rather than her checks supporting her? You're in a tug of war where everyone loses. You're camped in the need physical/withhold emotional corner and she's camped in the need emotional/withhold physical.

 

Ok you can stand your ground and keep making your argument but so can she. Until one of you stop this power struggle it will just keep going in a downward spiral of resentment and estrangement..

 

This isn't even about sex, it's about an intimacy (emotional and sexual) killing power struggle than neither of you see or are will to step off your horses to resolve.

 

You both just want to be "right". That's why this whole thing has gone so wrong.

She says she wants more emotional intamacy, but nothing I do seems to move the needle. She’ll say things were great for weeks and weeks, with no change on her end and eventually I let my frustrations creep in and I say something which upsets her and gets us off the rails.

 

I have let her know that it’s hard to sustain the level emotional intimacy she wants while physically intamacy is being withheld. She says she isn’t withholding and I get plenty.

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