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Showing up unannounced?


Lala0914
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My bf and I broke up last week because he told me he no longer wants to have any children and I don’t want to give that option up so I walked away. The root behind this, however, is that we’ve been together for 2 years and he feels that I haven’t shown him any effort in making serious moves towards building a life together (in all fairness, we had a rough first year). So he doubts my interest and intentions at this point. We’re both very upset over this. Part of me thinks that if I show him that I do want a future with him, the no-kids thing will change. Should I just show up at his house to see him and tell him how I feel? Or is that the cliche bad move to make?

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I don't think you show up at his house -that is very disrespectful to him. If he no longer wants to have any children in general -not just not with you - then showing him you want a future will make no difference. is it that or is that he is concerned that you aren't parent material -as far as reliability, responsibility and maturity? What specifically are his issues with "building a life together" -that's a very broad statement.

 

I would never ever have children with the idea that they are "more little people to love you". Children are people -not little or big, just people -and they likely will love you but they may not or they may not be able to show you love at different times. The reason to have children is because you and your committed partner 100% at least are committed to taking on the responsibility of acting in the best interests of your child at all times and you really want children and want the upsides and downsides. I do not think women want children more than men but if they have biological children then during pregnancy and giving birth and after giving birth they have more work/takes more of a toll on their bodies. It sure did for me. And I was fine with that.

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^^^^^^^^^^usually fathers fall in love with their babies very quickly after they set eyes upon them. It's not a problem.

 

I disagree with your generalizations. It's not a problem in the first place. My husband wanted our baby as much or more than I did - typical of the men I know.

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I should mention that he already has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship and talks about how amazing it is to be a dad. However, he is 41 and has said for a while now that he doesn’t want to have children too much later in life for a few reasons.

 

Our relationship has been rocky which has caused me to hesitate at moving as quickly as he would like. I have been focusing on getting us on solid ground before moving in with him, discussing marriage, etc. But he has taken that to mean I’m not serious about moving forward with him because I haven’t yet. And because he has seen only minor steps forward, he’s made the decision that children are off the table for him. He always says he wants to see me making an effort and showing him I want a future. That’s the reason I felt that maybe going out on a limb and just going to his house would be a right step.

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^^^^^^^^^^usually fathers fall in love with their babies very quickly after they set eyes upon them. It's not a problem.

 

Ummmm no. Having a child with someone that doesn't want one pretty much guarantees an absentee parent in some way, shape or form.

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OK so he doesn't want children with you and he is concerned about his age (my husband and i were 42 when we became parents) - I would not continue in this relationship given that he wants you to prove yourself to him. If there are specific changes he wanted you to make and you are inspired to make them then call him and ask him if he would be available to talk things over.

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My bf and I broke up last week because he told me he no longer wants to have any children and I don’t want to give that option up so I walked away. The root behind this, however, is that we’ve been together for 2 years and he feels that I haven’t shown him any effort in making serious moves towards building a life together

 

Is it that he doesn't want any children at all, or he doesn't want them with you? (because of what you just shared)

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Is it that he doesn't want any children at all, or he doesn't want them with you? (because of what you just shared)

 

At all because he no longer sees it as a feasible option given his age and the slow progress of our relationship. He claims he now needs to do what is right for him (which involves not working last retirement because he has kids)

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I hear you. But in my opinion, people who want to date should be more open to having children. Many people want children, so it goes with the territory if you want to date. I think many are two rigid in their preferences. I think many people have deal breakers that should not be.

 

I don't agree. I know of many people who do not want children, do not want more children, etc and as long as they are up front about that that should not be a problem. Also very legitimate to change your mind based on circumstances of a relationship. For example my sister dated after her divorce. She had 4 children at the time and had no interest in having more children. She met a long term boyfriend on line and he did not want more children either.

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Let him go. From what you describe, this relationship was on life support from early on. This means that you and him were never really compatible. OP, you've got to understand that with the right person, your relationship will not be rocky or difficult, especially early on. Sounds to me like he finally pulled the plug on things and that's been long coming and the right thing to do for the both of you.

 

Btw, anyone telling you to prove yourself to them....that's toxic talk. My guess is that there is a whole lot more wrong with this situation than him not wanting kids and you've been kind of in denial spackling and gluing and keeping this together no matter what. You might want to rethink what you are doing in relationships and why you hang on when you should let go.

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nevr ever show up or do anythign "unannounced" or by surprise! that crap works in movies but NEVER works in real life - it's SUPER CREEPY!!!

i would let this guy go. you're only bf/gf, and it's only 2 yrs, and yet he's talking children and using the possibility of children as a "weapon" against you to gt you to act certain ways? enh.

 

move on.

 

lastly.. telling him your "feelings" won't change his mind. what about telling him your "feelings" will say more than you being with him for 2 years?????

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Sorry -- you found out that you are not compatible and you should accept the breakup gracefully. He wants to get serious with a woman, but he does not want children - he is not open to the idea. If you convinced him to take you back because you will agree to not have children it will be a lifetime of resentment. Walk away. Head high. take some time to heal and then only date men who want kids - its just a matter for them of finding the right woman and the relationship reaching that point.

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I should mention that he already has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship and talks about how amazing it is to be a dad. However, he is 41 and has said for a while now that he doesn’t want to have children too much later in life for a few reasons.

 

Our relationship has been rocky which has caused me to hesitate at moving as quickly as he would like. I have been focusing on getting us on solid ground before moving in with him, discussing marriage, etc. But he has taken that to mean I’m not serious about moving forward with him because I haven’t yet. And because he has seen only minor steps forward, he’s made the decision that children are off the table for him. He always says he wants to see me making an effort and showing him I want a future. That’s the reason I felt that maybe going out on a limb and just going to his house would be a right step.

 

Your relationship should have been on solid ground since day one to consider him for a husband. i don't mean there wouldn't be a period of getting to know someone and all that, but it should not be "rocky" - I really think you should NOT show him you want a future - he either wants what you want or he doesn't. At 41 a man knows what he wants - he knows whether he is looking for a wife, looking to have kids, etc. Its not about you being good enough or not -- AND i want to add that even if you "showed you wanted long term" --- he would set the bar higher. You would never be able to achieve it

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He doesn't want a future with you and doesn't have the same goals as you. No, kissing his butt will not suddenly make him want to have kids with you. Never show up anywhere uninvited. Did he block you? Why venture into the trespasser/stalker zone? Pull yourself together and end this.

 

You're not compatible and never were. When you move forward you'll have a better chance of finding someone who shares your values and goals.

Part of me thinks that if I show him that I do want a future with him, the no-kids thing will change. Should I just show up at his house to see him and tell him how I feel? Or is that the cliche bad move to make?
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