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My boyfriend went for a drink with a different girl


hamilton20
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1 year 4 months, argued over petty things but never anything major. Recent week he has suddenly changed, been very low and concerned about our future as I will potentially want marriage and kids and he isn’t fussed- these things aren’t my priority. Anyway, in the same week he has met up with a girl (who he has never mentioned, never messaged before, never had on social media and never met up with before) out of the blue to “talk” about something. I feel like he’s hiding something big from me that’s suddenly happened and I don’t want to accuse him of cheating without significant evidence as it’ll ruin it more. I’m very stuck, do I trust him and let him get along and us have a little space & time for ourselves or do I question him? As I saw the message on his phone, I was breaking the boundaries! Help!!!

I’m very confused and have exams happening etc and I don’t want to get the complete wrong end of everything, if he’s feeling low I want to help but what do I do about this girl?

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Since you have exams, what you do now is focus on that and give yourself and him space.

 

After your exams are done, then I suggest that you spend some time thinking if this is really the right relationship and the right guy for you. You say you want marriage and a family and he isn't into that. That right there is a problem that should give you pause and make you rethink wasting any more of your life on this this guy. If your life goals aren't matching, you need to part ways and find a guy who wants what you want out of life. You are still in college, so best time of your life to be meeting people and dating.

 

If he is starting to stray, then I'd say give him all the rope in the world and let him hang himself. Better yet, just dump him for reasons above and spare yourself a whole lot of trouble and heartache. Your relationship doesn't sound very happy to begin with. In your shoes, I'd just put all this on ice until after your exams. Focus on what's actually important in your life right now and that's getting the grades and keeping your personal success and future on track.

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Thank you, that was helpful. We are usually very happy, it’s just suddenly changed which is why i think something has happened that he’s too afraid to tell me, especially as he’s going to see this random girl.

I am trying to focus on exams but I’m struggling a lot to get it off my mind. We have both spoken about 1 hour ago and decided to think about it for a little, have space this week and then come back together to speak again.

This girl is just bothering me though!!

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Thank you, that was helpful. We are usually very happy, it’s just suddenly changed which is why i think something has happened that he’s too afraid to tell me, especially as he’s going to see this random girl.

I am trying to focus on exams but I’m struggling a lot to get it off my mind. We have both spoken about 1 hour ago and decided to think about it for a little, have space this week and then come back together to speak again.

This girl is just bothering me though!!

 

It's not the girl though and not about the girl. It's your bf and the fact that you have incompatibilities and differing life goals. Don't deflect the important issues on the girl. She is truly the least of your problems here. I know easier said than done, but focus or do your best anyway.

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I guess so, just concerns me something else is underlying this. I’m obviously only 20 and I want a big career & ive told him marriage and children are not a main concern for me, I’ve just been brought up for it to be “normal” but I would rather have a stable income and career. He is just all over the place with worries that he isn’t good enough for me it seems. I’m very scared.

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The world is your oyster right now. You're in college, way too young to be planning decades of commitment to a guy probably just perfecting his beer-pong techniques.

 

I don't see him as in the same one-on-one relationship zone that you are in.

 

He's not evil, but he is not committed to you. If you value that? Well...

 

If I were you I would tap the brakes on this dating relationship and finish school.

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Thank you as well.

I don’t think he’s as committed to me as I am to him, he’s my first proper boyfriend and I’m his second GF , he was broken hearted before and I think he’s scared to fully commit thinking I’ll be the same.

I don’t want to suddenly finish it, I want to properly sit and talk and try and get my point across as we are both young!!

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Thank you as well.

I don’t think he’s as committed to me as I am to him, he’s my first proper boyfriend and I’m his second GF , he was broken hearted before and I think he’s scared to fully commit thinking I’ll be the same.

I don’t want to suddenly finish it, I want to properly sit and talk and try and get my point across as we are both young!!

 

That's kind of the point though. You guys are too young to be serious and you both actually need to see more of life, dating, different people before you have enough experience to say that this person is the right one for you. Your first is just your beginning really. On top of that at only 20, in the next 5 years you are going to grow and change a whole lot as a person. I mean a lot. What you like today, you won't like down the road. What you think you want today, you will end up wanting different things tomorrow. This is really your time to explore yourself and come into being your own person. It's a fun time, but it's also a time filled with change. Your bf is actually going through that and you are seeing it. No 20 year old guy knows what and who he wants no matter what he claims today. Tomorrow it will be different. It's just a stage of life and doesn't make anyone a bad person.

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Setting all this serious talk aside, you need to confront him about this mystery girl, and how you find it inappropriate to be sneaking behind your back about it or not giving you full truth. Then have a talk about your relationship, and see if you both want to fold up your tents and move on.

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Agree and I will when I see him this weekend, calmly. It’s weird because they have never had contact before, don’t have each other on any social media & have no mutual friends between them! But the messages looks like he’s wanting to say he has feelings, which is bizarre to me as he’s not like that at all. Hopefully I have got the wrong idea completely, just very mysterious to me.

I will then after, speak about our relationship.

 

Thank you!

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Thanks again. I will speak to him about it and say something similar to what you said, I don’t actually want to lose him as he helped me through my depression, panic attacks etc and has done so much for me making me a better person too and we have so much fun and laughter, but if this carries on how it is now for a while, it’s probably not right

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You admit you went through his phone. What prompted you to do so? I am gathering you were worried he's been hiding things from you for a little while. How have things been going between you two?

 

How do you know they've never met up before? Clearly, they know each other from somewhere, somehow. They might not be on each other's social media, but it's not as though a stranger messaged him out of the blue and wanted to meet.

 

If he's started mentioning how different your future goals are, I would assume he is in fact reassessing the relationship. Whether or not this girl has anything to do with it remains to be seen. When you speak to him, focus on what you do know, which is that he has been voicing concerns about your respective long-term goals.

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Thanks everyone.

Things have been going amazing to be honest, it was just the sudden change of behaviour that prompts me to check- but obviously I can’t tell him this!

I don’t mind him hanging out with girls, but I think individually drinking and secretly is weird and he’s genuinely never done this before. I think they used to work together about 3 years ago, but nothing since then! He’s always been open and invited me out with his friends etc!

I don’t want to accuse him of cheating if I don’t have proof, but I feel like he has feelings for someone else suddenly and can’t cope.

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wait.. is HE concerned about your future and kids. or are YOU concerned about your future and kids? this was confusing in your original post.

as for other observations:

1. never snoop! nothign will break up a relationship more than snooping and distrust! (just think if he did that to you!)

2. focus on your exams... obviously. your career and work most likely will outlast any relationship or marriage so take care of that FIRST!

3. let it play out. talking to him only makes him "behave" for a while and you never get your TRUE answer. letting htem do as they wish on their own accord without them thinking you are monitoring them will get you your answer FASTER!

 

and ultimately that is the #1 thing you want to know - WHAT'S going on. so let him SHOW you wha'ts going on by letting him be.

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wait.. is HE concerned about your future and kids. or are YOU concerned about your future and kids? this was confusing in your original post.

as for other observations:

1. never snoop! nothign will break up a relationship more than snooping and distrust! (just think if he did that to you!)

2. focus on your exams... obviously. your career and work most likely will outlast any relationship or marriage so take care of that FIRST!

3. let it play out. talking to him only makes him "behave" for a while and you never get your TRUE answer. letting htem do as they wish on their own accord without them thinking you are monitoring them will get you your answer FASTER!

 

and ultimately that is the #1 thing you want to know - WHAT'S going on. so let him SHOW you wha'ts going on by letting him be.

 

Hey, thanks. I know I shouldn’t snoop but something didn’t feel right and I felt like I was correct. He’s concerned about future etc because I mentioned I want kids and marriage and he’s not that into it, but It’s not my priority for the future!

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snooping.. is NEVER correct.

snooping is NOT NECESSARY to find out the truth if you truly pay attention to things.

so dont' do it again.. it's a no-no.

 

so you are confusing me again about the kids/future thing. you say he's concerned about it, b/c you said you want it - but it's not your priority. WHAT?

in the end.. it sounds like it IS your priority cuz you need it (at some point)... and he's saying he DOESN'T want it.

 

So there is a conflict there. How are you going to reconcile that? He doesn't want kids. You do. Are you willing to change? Or are you expecting HIM to change?

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He wants his freedom and you want to talk about marriage and kids. You're not compatible, you both know it on some level and you both know he is fading out and transitioning to someone else who is more consistent with the freedom of being college aged. He is not feeling low, he is fading out. He doesn't want to hurt you but he doesn't want to stay with you.

he has suddenly changed, been very low and concerned about our future as I will potentially want marriage and kids and he isn’t fussed.
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Hey, thanks. I know I shouldn’t snoop but something didn’t feel right and I felt like I was correct. He’s concerned about future etc because I mentioned I want kids and marriage and he’s not that into it, but It’s not my priority for the future!

 

What do you mean by this, exactly?

 

You may not want kids and marriage now, but it sounds like you do eventually see yourself married with a family. He doesn't see himself that way. That is a very significant incompatibility and will make a future together extremely difficult.

 

How do you feel you two would reconcile that enormous difference in life goals?

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What do you mean by this, exactly?

 

You may not want kids and marriage now, but it sounds like you do eventually see yourself married with a family. He doesn't see himself that way. That is a very significant incompatibility and will make a future together extremely difficult.

 

How do you feel you two would reconcile that enormous difference in life goals?

 

I mean I want my dream job and house before anything else & with regards to my dream job, I would struggle to find time to have children realistically so I haven’t fully dreamed about a family. With regards to marriage, it would be nice but I know couples who aren’t married and have been together their whole lives insanely happy. I’m only 20 and I don’t think I should be making these kind of decisions yet.

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I mean I want my dream job and house before anything else & with regards to my dream job, I would struggle to find time to have children realistically so I haven’t fully dreamed about a family. With regards to marriage, it would be nice but I know couples who aren’t married and have been together their whole lives insanely happy. I’m only 20 and I don’t think I should be making these kind of decisions yet.

 

I agree, so, how did you boyfriend get the impression that marriage and children are goals for you someday?

 

In any event, it appears that he is backing out of the relationship. It might be because he feels you two are not compatible long-term, or it might be that he has indeed developed an interest in someone else. You two do need to sit down and talk about what's happening, even if you don't hear what you'd hoped.

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