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Relationship insecurities


Unknown404
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So my boyfriend has a very close group of friend he sees almost every week. We all hang out together. One of my boyfriend's friend has a girlfriend. Lets call his friend Jim and his girlfriend Lindy. Jim and Lindy have been dating around the same time my boyfriend and I started dating. They didn't show much PDA before but recently started being lovey dovey. Jim talks a lot about Lindy even when she's right there and always show her a lot of attention and centers around her even around guy friends. My boyfriends friends all started considering her as the queen and seem to approve of her. They are like the spotlight of every friend hang out. Jim announced to his friends that Lindy is the one he will be marrying in the future. Although its cute, I felt slight jealousy. Jealous that I want my boyfriend to make me feel that special or give me that attention in front of his friends. On the contrary, my boyfriend doesnt talk about me or about us around his friends. He's the quiet type of person that just stays quiet. I know its because of my insecurities of myself and of us.

 

This is some background to our relationship:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. But in between that time, he broke up with me several times. One of the time was because he was overwhelmed with everything and don't think he can commit to anything right now. Another time we broke up, his answer was because he doesn't feel the love for me anymore and it hurt to hear it. A little after those times, we made up and he told me I'm the one he wants to marry in the future and the one he loves. After those times, my trust for him broke and I felt insecure of this relationship. I'm trying to figure out how to recover from the broken pieces and resume how we were like before. I still struggle with fixing it.

 

I guess it didn't help that he told his friends the details of our breakup and it made me feel like the bad person. He told his friends negative things of me which I feel made them think differently of me in a bad way. Sometimes we hang out all together and I notice they treat me differently to Lindy. It doesn't help that they are all korean and sometimes speak in their own language that I can't understand and my boyfriend doesnt translate to me what they are talking about. I feel really excluded and insignificant. Jim also talked about getting a house and living together in the future with my boyfriend and their friends, including Lindy. This made me feel so excluded and don't belong because I was part of the plan and my boyfriend has no input on anything his friends say and always go along. Sometimes to the point he considers his friends' and others' feelings over mine and he admitted to this. I don't feel like his priority. I do tell my boyfriend that I feel jealous and bad about his friend's relationship and that I would like if he talked about me or us more to his friends. But nothing changes and I don't know how to deal with it.

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It doesn't seem to me that your boyfriend is 100% in this relationship as you are and this has nothing to do with Jim and Lindy nor should you compare your relationship to them.

 

I find it very disrespectful that they speak Korean in front of you and don't translate nor your boyfriend makes an effort of including.

 

Do you have other friends to hang out and talk? Are you living in Korea alone?

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If he were just quiet and reserved and otherwise loving I'd say take him as he is. But with him breaking up with you and then coming back and never managing to make you feel secure in the relationship, I agree he doesn't sound all in. And more importantly, what do you want from a partner? Is this guy even a good fit for you any more? (You''re not out of line for wanting to feel more secure, just remember you can't force anyone to treat you a certain way, the thing you do have control over is whether or not you continue to settle for someone who doesn't seem all in).

 

Co signing all of Annia's post.

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If you want to be treated like Lindy, then you need to get out there and find YOUR Jim.

Your bf isn't it and never will be. I actually don't believe that he will ever marry you either. He doesn't sound even remotely invested in this relationship and only comes back to you because you are willing to put up with him and accept so little. You feel excluded because you actually are excluded. Why not stop trying to pound a square peg into a round hole and find a better match for yourself? I really don't know what you are getting out living like this. Seems like being single would be a million times better as it would free you to find better friends and feel included in life again. You can't change your current bf, you can only exchange him for a better guy who is actually fully into you.

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It doesn't seem to me that your boyfriend is 100% in this relationship as you are and this has nothing to do with Jim and Lindy nor should you compare your relationship to them.

 

I find it very disrespectful that they speak Korean in front of you and don't translate nor your boyfriend makes an effort of including.

 

Do you have other friends to hang out and talk? Are you living in Korea alone?

 

Sometimes I do feel like he's not 100% in it as I am. I know it haz nothing to do with his friend's relationship because it is about him and I. He does try to make effort like when his friends want to hang out, he asks me to come along with him. I do have some friends I hang out with but its not often because they're all busy most of the time. And we live in the US.

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If he were just quiet and reserved and otherwise loving I'd say take him as he is. But with him breaking up with you and then coming back and never managing to make you feel secure in the relationship, I agree he doesn't sound all in. And more importantly, what do you want from a partner? Is this guy even a good fit for you any more? (You''re not out of line for wanting to feel more secure, just remember you can't force anyone to treat you a certain way, the thing you do have control over is whether or not you continue to settle for someone who doesn't seem all in).

 

Co signing all of Annia's post.

 

A little background about him is that his parents divorces when he was really young because his father was abusive so his mother left, leaving his father to take care of him and his sister. Even then he would still abuse them. I guess it has a lot to do with how he is now. As for me, I have anxiety so it makes things worse when I'm not sure or know what he wants.

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