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I think wife is or has cheated - need advice


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Ok I think my wife maybe having an affair or had one

 

We have been together almost 20 years and I know sexual interest wains but we went 6 months without anything. When we finally tried she said she felt like I was violating her and we’d stop. Which I was fine with. I wanted her to enjoy it.

 

Here are some things I’ve found strange

 

Complete lack of interest in sex

Pushes away for hug

Says she doesn’t like to be touched

I went to give her oral once and she was adamant not to do it. This was a first ever

Frequently talking about other people who have had or are having affairs at work.

Marriage isn’t the happiest hasn't been for some time

 

A super strong feeling in my gut she is or has.

 

I ask her once and explained that he lack of intimacy made me feel like crap, ugly and unwanted. I also said that as a married couple we share a special relationship as compared to any other relationship. She pretty much yelled at me calling it ridiculous.

 

Anyone have any thoughts I’d greatly appreciate it because I have no clue and don't want to think im losing my mind.

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I'll be honest dude, cheating or not, it sounds like either this marriage is over or you guys are in need of serious counseling. Try to find a good therapist, and see if your wife will come with you. If she doesn't, start looking for a lawyer.

 

EDIT: If she refuses to go to counseling, make sure you look for a lawyer silently, do not give her a heads up. She blind sided you with the lack of intimacy, blindside her with the consequences.

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What's the point in not telling her about it? This is his wife. He as an adult should be sitting down with her and telling her how serious things have become.

They together should figure out the next step.

 

This is not a situation where anyone ever needs to backstab someone or be secretive, especially when it comes to divorce.

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Ok I think my wife maybe having an affair or had one

 

We have been together almost 20 years and I know sexual interest wains but we went 6 months without anything. When we finally tried she said she felt like I was violating her and we’d stop. Which I was fine with. I wanted her to enjoy it.

 

Here are some things I’ve found strange

 

Complete lack of interest in sex

Pushes away for hug

Says she doesn’t like to be touched

I went to give her oral once and she was adamant not to do it. This was a first ever

Frequently talking about other people who have had or are having affairs at work.

Marriage isn’t the happiest hasn't been for some time

 

A super strong feeling in my gut she is or has.

 

I ask her once and explained that he lack of intimacy made me feel like crap, ugly and unwanted. I also said that as a married couple we share a special relationship as compared to any other relationship. She pretty much yelled at me calling it ridiculous.

 

Anyone have any thoughts I’d greatly appreciate it because I have no clue and don't want to think im losing my mind.

 

Do you have any actual shady behaviour that she's been showing you or are you just going on her lack of emotional and sexual intimacy? I ask because everything You pin an affair on can also very well be due to the fact that she's lost her emotional attachment to you. I take it your marriage hasn't been a very happy one for ages and her behaviour is showing that fact.

 

Is your wife staying out late without you?

Taking calls/texts at all hours?

Has she spiced up her wardrobe? Suddenly lost weight? Preoccupied with her appearance?

Locking her devices when she normally hasn't before?

 

... any thing shady actually going on?

 

Adding: I suggest that you go to counseling alone if she won't go with you so that you hopefully gain some emotional tools to help you though the dissolving of your marriage. If she won't even talk to you about what is wrong with HER (forget you and how her distance makes you feel for a minute) then there is likely very little that is going to help you to help her get her emotional attachment to you.

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Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well.

 

Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge?

 

You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?

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Thanks for the responses, there have been other times in the past that caused me to think something was up, years ago she was meeting friends from work for drinks, she came home first to change and then waned to leave quickly because one guy was already at the bar and she wanted to get down there.

 

I have spoke to her in the past, said things aren't good. Her response was this is just the way things are. When I told her I'm not happy she said that's my problem and I needed to figure it out. Im not suggesting I'm without blame here for how the relationship went, I've acknowledged everything I've done and apologized for it. She pretty much refuses to apologize for anything and if she does the majority of times there is a "but" after I'm sorry.

 

Personally, I think I'd be able to understand what's happened better if it turns out she was having an affair. It would definitely make a lot more sense. In the end, its likely the relationship has run its course and the lack of emotional involvement is saying that loud and clear.

 

Thanks again

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Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well.

 

Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge?

 

You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?

He already stated counseling is a no go. Cheating or not Is also irrelevant at this point. The partnership is non existent. Blind siding people also is not optimal but what the point of that is you need to talk to a lawyer first and make sure your ducks are in a row so when you approach her with options you know exactly where you are, what your dealing with and what the consequences for everyone are.

 

One you have your ducks in a row now you can approach her from a place of Truth and confidence and present her with her choices which are pretty much counseling immediately accompanied by her committment to attempt to save the marriage or divorce.

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He already stated counseling is a no go. .

 

Yes, but he did not specify how often he mentioned it. So naturally, the sound advice would be to try again one more time to make sure she understands the severity of the situation before more drastic measures are to be taken.

Once such a drastic step has been taken, to bring the documents already on the table, a lot of options of a "calm" reconciliation are off the table, at least for a while. I think he should go to the lawyer yes, but when he does so, the process has been initiated and can't just be laid aside so easily with the threat of "divorce or counseling". Surely one should try other options first before going all the way.

 

But OP has now stated some very concerning information. So if this was me, I would not go trying to fix anything but just lay out the facts.

 

She seems to be consistently disrespectful to you OP, I am not sure what can be fixed if she is being so dismissive towards you and avoids you routinely, does not respect your feelings or concerns. Are you even sure you WANT to be married to someone who does this? This won't stop, it will only get worse, she has been getting away with it for a while now.

 

If you want, you can go to a therapist on your own, talk about this situation for professional advice, since we don't know your entire history with this woman or what your mistakes were. Maybe she has not forgiven you for them? Sometimes apologizing is not enough, since the damage has been done.

 

But how things are looking now, she is enjoying her life without you, does not mind hurting you and does not want to work on your relationship. Maybe you should give her what she wants and go see that lawyer.

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Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well.

 

Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge?

 

You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?

 

She already told him that she wanted no part of counseling. He might try to go alone though. IMO, he tries to engage her in sex but, from what OP states, she is not interested, etc. It sounds one-sided to me. Don't know why.

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thanks everyone for the advice. I understand what some are saying (my mistakes) and I know the whole story isnt here. Its been almost 20 years so its would take a while to tell it. I can say for sure that there has been no adultery nor violence or threats. I know Im not perfect, and irritated her on things as occurs in most marriages. I think deep down I've known for a while that the relationship was over, but just stayed like most, cause its easier, familiar and comfortable. I know this is inevitable just need to have that conversation. Im fortunate that thru my company I can have access to counselling.

 

I actually, just realized for the last couple of days she has stopped wearing her wedding ring so maybe she's realizing its over too

 

thanks again

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Trust your gut and believe and accept what you see with your own eyes. It is all there, all the answers you seek but we often ignore them because we don't want to know because that would mean the end.

 

There comes a time when staying because it is easier isn't healthy and being alone would be much better.

 

Yes it sounds like she has checked out long ago and is cheating on you.

 

Right now you need to know what NOT to do more than what TO do. I strongly suggest you seek out the counseling through your work, get your feet under you nice and firm and then start getting some legal advice on your particular situation. Ignorance has no place in a divorce.

 

As far as her actions towards you goes you need to see that she does not respect you, care at all about your feelings and sees you as a safe place to land in-between her fun. Don't let the love that was once there cloud your judgment, you need to be selfish right now even if it isn't your nature. Protect yourself!

 

No matter how long it has ben going on or how much you know the marriage is dead it will hurt and you will feel a great loss. In time you will feel better and actually see that life is good.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

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Thanks for the responses, there have been other times in the past that caused me to think something was up, years ago she was meeting friends from work for drinks, she came home first to change and then waned to leave quickly because one guy was already at the bar and she wanted to get down there.

 

I have spoke to her in the past, said things aren't good. Her response was this is just the way things are. When I told her I'm not happy she said that's my problem and I needed to figure it out. Im not suggesting I'm without blame here for how the relationship went, I've acknowledged everything I've done and apologized for it. She pretty much refuses to apologize for anything and if she does the majority of times there is a "but" after I'm sorry.

 

Personally, I think I'd be able to understand what's happened better if it turns out she was having an affair. It would definitely make a lot more sense. In the end, its likely the relationship has run its course and the lack of emotional involvement is saying that loud and clear.

 

Thanks again

 

She doesn't seem to care much about how you feel or your feelings. Plus she doesn't want to go to couples counceling. It's almost as she resents you for something.

 

Do you have children?

 

If she doesn't want to work on the relationship and is so adamant that she doesn't care, then I'd consider talking to a divorce attorney and begin planning the separation.

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You really didn't answer ThatWasThen's questions:

 

Is your wife staying out late without you?

Taking calls/texts at all hours?

Has she spiced up her wardrobe? Suddenly lost weight? Preoccupied with her appearance?

Locking her devices when she normally hasn't before?

 

... any thing shady actually going on?

 

 

From what you have said, it sounds like she's been in a full-blown affair for quite some time.

 

Sit her down and ask her directly: "Are you cheating on me?"

Watch her eyes! If they flick away, you have your answer. (A pro liar might not flick but will weirdly stare.)

 

Start secretly reading James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

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Even if she isn't cheating, she's hears your pain and dismisses working with you to resolve it out of hand. That is not a desirable quality in a partner, would be a red flag when dating, I think it should be a red flag now too.

 

I'm sorry you're standing on this particular precipice, at least change can bring about great things and personal growth. Wishing you a resolution that brings you contentment.

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When we finally tried she said she felt like I was violating her and we’d stop. Which I was fine with.

 

Why would you be 'fine' with that? The term 'violating' isn't some minor brushoff.

 

If you could win a million dollars for identifying what, exactly, has made your wife so furious with you, how much of that money could you win?

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This has more to do with the lack of intimacy and suspecting an affair. Are you in shape? How's your grooming? Do you plan romantic date nights? Do you do your share around the house? What are the arguments about? You need marriage therapy if you want to try to mend this.

Marriage isn’t the happiest hasn't been for some time

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thanks everyone for the advice. I understand what some are saying (my mistakes) and I know the whole story isnt here. Its been almost 20 years so its would take a while to tell it. I can say for sure that there has been no adultery nor violence or threats. I know Im not perfect, and irritated her on things as occurs in most marriages. I think deep down I've known for a while that the relationship was over, but just stayed like most, cause its easier, familiar and comfortable. I know this is inevitable just need to have that conversation. Im fortunate that thru my company I can have access to counselling.

 

I actually, just realized for the last couple of days she has stopped wearing her wedding ring so maybe she's realizing its over too

 

thanks again

 

I'm sorry but it's time to wake up from denial and complacency and suspecting things and run to a divorce lawyer for a consultation today and cover your rear. Do this before you come home to an empty house and empty bank accounts. Your wife has been checked out for way too long and not communicating with you and you have no idea what she is planning at this point. This is way beyond not being intimate and you pondering why. Time to take action and if you want to know if she is or isn't cheating, then hire a PI and find out, if that's what you need to do for yourself. Just be sure that you really want to know.

 

Whoever said that you need to speak to a lawyer quickly and quietly and cover yourself was absolutely on point. Once you know where you stand and how to protect common funds from her just grabbing them, then you can sit down and talk about your marriage and whether she is willing to work on things which is doubtful, more likely how you can part ways as amicably as possible.

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As usual, I agree with Wiseman. You gotta put in the effort to maintain attraction and "keep dating your woman" even after you're married.

 

However, I would lawyer up and get your financial arranged/secured as soon and as quietly as possible. If she turns angry or violent, make sure your cell phone is handy to record it. (or vice versa for women that are dealing with the opposite situation)

 

A buddy of mine had a similar situation a while ago and his wife got very nasty during the divorce. Luckily, he recorded her throwing things at him and berating him in front of their kids. It made a significant impact when it came time to deal with child custody.

 

She may not be this way now, but if things go south, its always good to be prepared....

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I'm sorry but it's time to wake up from denial and complacency and suspecting things and run to a divorce lawyer for a consultation today and cover your rear. Do this before you come home to an empty house and empty bank accounts. Your wife has been checked out for way too long and not communicating with you and you have no idea what she is planning at this point. This is way beyond not being intimate and you pondering why. Time to take action and if you want to know if she is or isn't cheating, then hire a PI and find out, if that's what you need to do for yourself. Just be sure that you really want to know.

 

Whoever said that you need to speak to a lawyer quickly and quietly and cover yourself was absolutely on point. Once you know where you stand and how to protect common funds from her just grabbing them, then you can sit down and talk about your marriage and whether she is willing to work on things which is doubtful, more likely how you can part ways as amicably as possible.

 

At this point I'd also go secretly to a divorce attorney. There's contempt here on her part, this is more than a couple who has "lost the flame". There's hatred, contempt and resentment here. There's lack of respect and no care at all. I'd even say there's cruelty here. Even if she's upset about something, this is not how one handles things. This doesn't seem salvaged with therapy, besides she doesn't want couples therapy.

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