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Confusion


Anise05
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Hey, I wanted to talk and express myself. I have been with this man for 4 months and everything was great. We were happy, we truly cared for each other, and always gave our time to each other. We even waited to have sex because we really liked each other. At a certain point when I went back home for winter break, and came back to visit, he seemed distant. We still exchanged presents that day, and he gave me flowers and read me poetry. When I went back home I asked him why he was distant, he said he did not know clearly and he needed time to see what was wrong and let me know. Eventually he told me we were at two different places in life, although we are both 21, in school, want a committed relationship, and he is a photographer and I am a model. I called emotional, we ended up both yelling at each other and out of anger he told me that he did not care if he was speaking out of anger, he wanted to break up. A week later we ended up talking, he wanted to be friends and I kept pushing myself to even though I wasn’t ready. I eventually felt horrible because he acted like his feelings were completely gone and I was like no one to him. After I asked to talk, he instead asked me to hang out with him. When I said I want to talk to him only, he started ignoring me and cut of all ties such as liking my pictures, and sharing locations. I later apologized for pushing to talk even though I should not have and now I know I need to move on and put myself first, but I am confused as well. I do not know if we both just realized his feelings weren’t as strong for me as he thought, even though he did so much to show me... or if it’s because he runs. His closest friends to me told me that he is not good at handling emotions, so when things get hard, he always runs. And I know his father has hurt him and he has always ran and avoided him too. I know I do not need someone who will run but I also am confused on what happened.

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Eventually he told me we were at two different places in life

 

This is a pretty clear statement about why he doesn't want a serious relationship with you.

 

although we are both 21, in school, want a committed relationship, and he is a photographer and I am a model.

 

The fact that you see it differently doesn't change his point of view.

 

You are confused because what he said doesn't align with what your dreams or goals were for this relationship. Yes he may have tried his best in the beginning, however when he reached the point of deciding whether or not to make it more serious decided he didn't want a future with you.

 

His words and his actions are making it very clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you so you do need to focus on letting go and moving on.

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Sounds like a simple life lesson here. Guys will do and say pretty much anything to get you in bed. If you want the sex, go for it, but tune out the bs. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't. Just realize this - virtually no 21 year old guy is ready for long term settled relationship, marriage and kids. You both need to grow up a bit more for that and sow your wild oats too.

 

Overall, first few months is all just fun and games anyway. Anyone telling you they love you so fast.....that's lust and excitement talking. Real love takes a whole lot more time to develop. Please try not to take break ups within a few months of starting too personally because they aren't. In fact, decisions people make so early on are usually entirely self centered in that it's more about the person and their personal goals, issues, and ideas than anything to do with you.

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I do not know if we both just realized his feelings weren’t as strong for me as he thought, even though he did so much to show me... or if it’s because he runs. His closest friends to me told me that he is not good at handling emotions, so when things get hard, he always runs. And I know his father has hurt him and he has always ran and avoided him too. I know I do not need someone who will run but I also am confused on what happened.

 

If that is the case, a relationship with him would be next to impossible anyway.

 

It sounds to me more like something happened while you were home for winter break, and he realized he couldn't continue the relationship in good faith.

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It sounds like he was upfront about his feelings. He cares about you, but he has moved past this relationship. It sucks, but it happens. As my boyfriend's dad likes to say, "Sometimes you're the sh*t, sometimes you're the shoe."

 

His closest friends to me told me that he is not good at handling emotions, so when things get hard, he always runs. And I know his father has hurt him and he has always ran and avoided him too. I know I do not need someone who will run but I also am confused on what happened.

 

Avoid talking to his friends about him and entertaining fairy tales about what 'really' happened.

 

Your ex boyfriend told you what happened.

 

The quicker you get acquainted with reality, the better off you will be.

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Dating is as much about screening OUT wrong matches as it is to find the right one. Sometimes this takes one date, sometimes it takes 4 months of dating. Rejection doesn't mean either of you is 'wrong,' just not the right match for any number of reasons.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early without drilling too deeply into that. Easier said than done, but adopting resilience is the way to be lead to the RIGHT match for you, eventually.

 

Head high.

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Sounds like a simple life lesson here. Guys will do and say pretty much anything to get you in bed. If you want the sex, go for it, but tune out the bs. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't. Just realize this - virtually no 21 year old guy is ready for long term settled relationship, marriage and kids. You both need to grow up a bit more for that and sow your wild oats too.

 

Overall, first few months is all just fun and games anyway. Anyone telling you they love you so fast.....that's lust and excitement talking. Real love takes a whole lot more time to develop. Please try not to take break ups within a few months of starting too personally because they aren't. In fact, decisions people make so early on are usually entirely self centered in that it's more about the person and their personal goals, issues, and ideas than anything to do with you.

True. So much this. Well said
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