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Help! What do I tell his sister?


Calohboy
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So...my ex bf’s sister called yesterday. (We’ve been split for 2 weeks and NC) I was busy and said we could chat today. She does not know about the break up that I am aware of. We chat a few times a month and consider each other friends. I’m pretty sure we communicated more than my ex and she did. She would always contact me to make plans to see her brother, lol. Probably because he was always with me on the weekends.

The interesting thing is that they actually only met a year and a half ago...shortly before ex and I got together.

Do I tell her we broke up? Do I tell her that I ended it? I feel like I need to explain myself if I tell her that I broke it off. If I don’t and he tells her, she may get the wrong idea. I didn’t break it off because I don’t love him. I don’t want to cast him in a bad light either. I do think he loved me, he just wasn’t over his ex and wasn’t honest with me about it.

Is it okay to remain friends with his sister or?

Help!

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Ok well firstly - your motivations are ALL wrong. I get that you're friends but you need to let go of this idea about "what people think of you." To want to tell her first so she has a favorable opinion of you and hears your side first is the COMPLETE wrong approach to all of this. Especially with your ex's FAMILY members.

 

That being said - yes of course it's fine for you to tell her that you and he are no longer together (that is a FACT, not an opinion).

The better way to appraoch this is to stick to the facts, and not opinion - and let the person decide what they want to decide on facts - not who did a better "sell job" to win her opinion over as to who was good or bad. AFTER ALL, YOUR version of the story is probably YOUR perspective and subjective anyway. That's just human nature.

 

So. keep to the facts. It's okay to be open. But don't turn this into a he said/she said match to win favors or to "look better" - that's completely inappropriate at ANY time to be driven by that.

 

Learn to let "what peopel think of you" go. Trust me you'll be glad you did.

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It sounds like your friendship with her is very casual at best, so not sure why you'd want to hang on to it.

If you think that she doesn't know, then you simply need to tell her, "btw, your brother and I aren't dating anymore." I'd leave it at that and if she wants to know more, you can go from there. Try not to make more out of this friendship than what it was, don't over do explanations or how much you still love him, blah blah blah. Up to her if she wants to continue the friendship with you or drifts away. Also, you can't really control what she chooses to believe about a break up and how big of a deal it is to her.

 

Break ups happen all the time. It doesn't make you a bad person for ending things, so I don't think you need to jump in with defensiveness about it.

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It is true that I do care about what she thinks. Since she doesn’t know her brother very well, it’s also important to me that she doesn’t think he is an ass.

 

My initial thought was to just let her know we weren’t seeing each other anymore, and I just am stressed about how to answer questions if she asks. And I know her well enough that she will ask. I even thought of not saying anything at all, because we don’t normally talk about her brother anyway. But then I thought she may feel deceived if I didn’t say anything about it.

 

I like being honest. But, I don’t feel it’s my place to even bring up my ex’s ex. He was ashamed that he stayed in that relationship so long and that she had a live in boyfriend. But, the fact is that we’d still be seeing each other if she hadn’t shown back up. I doubt he ever told his sister about that relationship. He didn’t tell me until I was tipped off by his son’s wife. And he only met his sister just over a year ago.

 

I think I’m going to just explain to her that it would be better for her to get details from her brother.

Our friendship is casual because we’ve only known each other for about 8 months and live 2 hrs away from each other. However, we meet for lunch, she comes to my ranch and rides with me, she has done overnight girls nights here and considers me a good friend. She was battling depression and our friendship has really helped her. I also consider her a good friend.

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Just keep things simple. no need to over think.

 

Let her know that things ended with her brother. If you're comfortable telling her why, then so be it but you don't have to explain yourself.

 

If you also feel you want to continue a friendship then all is well, as long as you don't stay friends just to hear gossip or updates about your boyfriend or visa versa (which I'm assuming you won't or don't want to).

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I would tread very carefully with your ex's sister. You can let her know the two of you broke up but do not get into why, vent about her brother, start care-taking your ex, or justify your own behavior, as this will put her in an awkward position. At the end of the day she will think more highly of you if you let her know that you care about the friendship and while you are indeed sad about the end of the relationship with her brother, you don't want to put her in the middle of the two of you.

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I doubt she knows. She talks to me more than they talk. However, I could be wrong. I guess I’ll find out.

I have made up my mind and I will tell her we aren’t seeing each other anymore and that I’d rather not get into why and details. I will also tell her that I value our friendship and that even though her brother and I aren’t seeing each other, I’d still like to be friends. Then, hopefully we can change the subject and talk about things we normally do. We didn’t talk about her brother or our relationship before anyway.

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I doubt she knows. She talks to me more than they talk. However, I could be wrong. I guess I’ll find out.

I have made up my mind and I will tell her we aren’t seeing each other anymore and that I’d rather not get into why and details. I will also tell her that I value our friendship and that even though her brother and I aren’t seeing each other, I’d still like to be friends. Then, hopefully we can change the subject and talk about things we normally do. We didn’t talk about her brother or our relationship before anyway.

 

This is a good approach.

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I think that’s a good approach, OP.

 

I agree that details are unnecessary. It’s her brother’s story to tell (if he wants to tell). I also think it’s good that you didn’t mention it in the first call following the breakup - it gives him a chance to tell her himself. But if she calls again - what you are thinking of saying sounds perfect.

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I agree with the other posters. Just want to add an additional piece of advice: use your wisdom to decide if continuing your relationship with your ex's sister will be harmful to your healing.

 

I had a relationship with an ex's mother once upon a time that I would have liked to keep and she believed that we should keep it, but it was a woman who had encouraged me to stay in a relationship with someone who I suspected was cheating with a coworker and believed her son could do no wrong. Once I was dumped for said coworker, I gently let her down via email and said we could no longer continue our relationship. She actually reached out with a long hand-written letter in response, but I stuck to my guns and did not respond. I knew it would hold back my healing and give me access to painful information I didn't want. I also knew my ex would perceive my continuation of a relationship with his mother as inappropriate and as a sign I was not moving on (or maybe even that I refused to leave him alone!). So, like I said, check the facts and decide if keeping the relationship is worth it or not regardless or whether you'd like to.

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