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Dealt with "Stashing" and being hidden for years.


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I made a post here almost 4 years ago about an issue I was having in my relationship. I'll post the link below, basically it is how the relationship started, and how it continued to be. The old post dealt with my gf not wanting me to share a room with her and her guy friends for a weekend festival.

 

There was no infidelity but I always questioned my value to my gf in comparison to her friends. We remained together for almost 4 years, but these years were filled with much resentment and unhappiness. I have never met a person who kept me segregated from holidays, work parties, birthdays etc. For all the major holidays she would fly back home to another state and never include me. I've spent every Christmas, New Years and other big events alone. I tried to go home with her many times, but she said it was her family time. I expressed my feelings of being left alone for the holidays year after year. "Will this change?" "Where do I fit in the picture?"

 

I've been cheated on in a previous relationship, that was awful. But this relationship made me feel alone and sad in a different way. I questioned my value and self worth. Has anyone dealt with type of person that keeps you segregated from family, friends, social media?

 

After an awful holiday season, my depression came in full force which led to her ending it in her way. She has ghosted me in all forms and it is killing me inside. I have emailed, called, messaged with no response. I fight everyday not to contact as I love her.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498229

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I haven't had this done to me, but then again I want to believe that at 35-39 I wouldn't have put up with it for four years to begin with. Why did you? I read your previous post from four years ago (just the post, not the replies) and frankly, it gave off a passive/ unnecessarily needy vibe. It sounds like this was an unbalanced relationship where you liked her more than she liked you to begin with. It also sounds like the communication between you two was very problematic. You two were probably too different to be able to communicate effectively. If you were a decade older than her and met her when she was only 25, it could be that at some point she outgrew the relationship and felt that it had an expiration date, hence she kept it separate. Not a nice way to treat someone but you were also wrong to let it drag on for so long. Why did you not get to the bottom of why she was behaving like that instead of letting it go on for four years? Did you not ask her her reasons about the "segregation" you mention? If you did what were the reasons she gave you? If you didn't, why didn't you? In any case, her behaviour at the end sounds awful. If she ghosted you after four years, rest assured that you lost nobody special. In reality, you dodged a bullet.

Edited by Clio
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I’m so sorry you are hurting. You have been undervalued and I know what they feels like. However, the truth is that just because she didn’t value you does not mean you aren’t valuable. I know it feels that way right now.

 

You can’t change her and I seriously doubt you want to live a lifetime like this, do you?

 

Get help for depression if you need to and talk to someone about this. No contact will help bring clarity so please block and delete her and do not talk to her for at least 30 days.

 

Of course you have this site and it’s so helpful.

I’m hurting too as many of us are. My mantra right now is “I do love him, but I love me more”

Here’s the deal, they can’t love people they don’t respect and when we allow them to treat us as less than, not a priority, etc...they lose respect for us and WE lose respect for ourselves. We have to put ourselves and our feelings first because they have proven they won’t! I was also alone on Christmas and New Years for almost the exact reason you were. It hurt so bad. They obviously didn’t care how it affected us.

Please put yourself first now and go no contact. Hugs!

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OP,

 

This has been a long challenging journey for you. We can't evaluate her choices and the reasons behind them. It doesn't matter, though, does it? Your desire for more from this relationship is unfulfilled. You took responsibility for what you want: bravo. That is all you can do. If the other person doesn't choose to offer it, then you have your answer and must choose to adjust yourself or move on.

 

You don't say how she answered your questions as to "Will this change, Where do I fit" -- you chose to stay with her, even though you wondered whether she had long term intentions for you, even though you resented her choices.

 

Resentment implies someone did this to you. On the contrary, you always have the power to leave a relationship when you determine it is not a good fit. When you feel resentment, stop everything and reframe your thoughts so that you can see how your choices are contributing to your situation. Start making different choices.

 

Sorry OP, I am, for this pain and this perhaps painful post of mine. It is time for you to let your ideas of her go. Your first responsibility is to yourself, and you are worth focusing some of your attention on yourself.

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I remember trying things different with this relationship when it started. I wanted to "work" with the other person and not fall into the traps I always fell in. I would end it with others for the smallest reason, I wanted to think differently with her. I should've also stated that when it was just us, the relationship was good. We did a lot with each other, but again, just us. Time flies, I never questioned how long I had been putting up with everything till the end.

She always stated her family time was "her" family time. She didn't want any awkwardness with her dad etc. Maybe it was the age gap, I do not know.

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When I asked the "Will this change, Where do I fit" questions, at first she responded "it won't always be like this" which turned to, "this is the way it is." This is what brought us to this recent holiday season. I know it got dark for me knowing that the end of the relationship was coming.

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Ghosting you like that after 4 years really shows she didn't value you or respect you.

 

What do you mean leaving you all alone on Christmas and New Year Eve? Are you far away from friends and family and can't visit them or spend these holidays with them? I'm just asking to understand if you put up with this for so long because you isolated yourself and neglected your friendships and life outside the relationship and made her your world or if maybe there was already emptiness in your life and you wanted her to fulfill this lack.

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I am sorry, OP, that your gf wasn't more forthcoming with you. Maybe she didn't expect her family to understand; speculation isn't helpful though. Whatever her reasons, she was happy living two lives and you aren't. Between the two of you, I'd rather have it your way and so would you. You deserve someone who loves you, the whole you.

 

You will recover with a new appreciation for your standards, and that will help you attract a better match - when you're ready.

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We remained together for almost 4 years, but these years were filled with much resentment and unhappiness.

 

Some people are best loved from far away. While I'm sorry for your grief, part of your healing may be to consider why you'd remain in a relationship filled with resentment and unhappiness.

 

Most people are NOT our match. Latching onto a wrong match in the hope that you can manipulate someone into becoming a good match doesn't work.

 

When someone mistreats you, walk away. Sticking around to complain about it won't buy you a change, because you're already demonstrating that you'll tolerate mistreatment. That heaps more disrespect on top of the initial disrespect, and there's nowhere else for that relationship to go but into a downward spiral.

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Some people are best loved from far away. While I'm sorry for your grief, part of your healing may be to consider why you'd remain in a relationship filled with resentment and unhappiness.

 

Most people are NOT our match. Latching onto a wrong match in the hope that you can manipulate someone into becoming a good match doesn't work.

 

When someone mistreats you, walk away. Sticking around to complain about it won't buy you a change, because you're already demonstrating that you'll tolerate mistreatment. That heaps more disrespect on top of the initial disrespect, and there's nowhere else for that relationship to go but into a downward spiral.

 

^^^^ This.

 

Expressing concern, as you did, was Step 1. At the same time as having a concern, adjust your own behavior. One example of self talk in this regard might be: "If I am this involved, I need to meet her family to be comfortable. If I am less involved, I find I don't care so much. Therefore, I will not include her in my outings with friends and family, and will endeavor to see her once on a weekend and once mid week, no more. Not as an ultimatum but because this is what works for me."

 

Exercising your power over your level of involvement eliminates resentment.

 

I am doing this right now with my bf, who loves me to bits and has expressed desire for me to meet his (out of town) family. I have spoken with bf to inquire whether his lack of follow through indicates a change in his ideas of our relationship - it doesn't. I have spoken with his parents by phone and I do not doubt my bf's intentions. At the same time, I have reduced the degree to which bf interacts with my local family. It is my way of keeping myself in balance with him so that I don't feel overextended. I don't know if he has noticed, exactly. I do see that he is more comfortable, because he is not under pressure to match or get ahead of me in this way.

 

Relationships are like a dance. If you find yourself leading by more than one step, you've lost your partner. Slow down and let them catch up.

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I am sorry, OP, that your gf wasn't more forthcoming with you. Maybe she didn't expect her family to understand; speculation isn't helpful though. Whatever her reasons, she was happy living two lives and you aren't. Between the two of you, I'd rather have it your way and so would you. You deserve someone who loves you, the whole you.

 

You will recover with a new appreciation for your standards, and that will help you attract a better match - when you're ready.

 

Thank you so much, your last sentence is echoing out as I read it. I did put myself last from the beginning and it chipped away at me bit by bit.

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Ghosting you like that after 4 years really shows she didn't value you or respect you.

 

What do you mean leaving you all alone on Christmas and New Year Eve? Are you far away from friends and family and can't visit them or spend these holidays with them? I'm just asking to understand if you put up with this for so long because you isolated yourself and neglected your friendships and life outside the relationship and made her your world or if maybe there was already emptiness in your life and you wanted her to fulfill this lack.

 

Reading your post and looking back. I was indeed neglecting those close to me, friends and family outside of the relationship. i don't know if it was me assimilating to her ways, or something else.

 

Thank you everyone who has posted. I started seeing a therapist and am on my path of healing myself, and getting stronger. Thank you!!

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Update!

After weeks of not hearing from her "Ghosting", I ran into her friends who were happy to see me. They were shocked and knew nothing of what was happening, they actually told me "she didn't really talk about you at all". The very next day I got an email from my ex. In the tune of

"how amazing I am....how many great memories we shared....how perfect I am...but she doesn't want to continue it...etc"

That's what I got after being ghosted for weeks after a multi-year relationship. Some days are ok, most are bad. It's been overall awful.

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