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Ex friend back in the picture


turnerik
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My fiancé has started telling me how she misses this guy she used to be really good friends with. She has spent nights crying about him, and how she misses the friendship. She told me she doesn’t think there can be a friendship between them with me in the picture.

She said they were really close before and would hang out constantly. While she was married before this same guy ended up texting her telling her all the sexual stuff he would like to do to her. She said she didn’t participate but also didn’t ask him to stop. After we got

together, he stopped contacting her and she did the same towards him. Today she told me she wanted to call him to end things with him on a better note.

 

She talked to him for a while and then she told him there really couldn’t be a friendship as there’s no room for him and I In her life.

 

I’ve never met the guy but I think he’s an awful person by what she says he has said to her, and how he didn’t even say anything or tried talking to her when he randomly stopped contact.

 

After she got off the phone with him she started crying about how easy it was to talk to him and how she really misses him and misses their friendship. I honestly just sat there because I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like there is room for both of us in her life. I want to comfort her but at the same time I can’t say it’s ok to keep talking to him because it’s not.

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I usually say not to mess with friendships from before the relationship BUT this friendship is disrespectful to you and your relationship given the sexual messages and proximity. I also think her over the top crying reaction was inappropriate and disproportional to the situation. Don't let her make you feel guilty for the end of that "friendship". Some things are simply inappropriate in a relationship, even if there's no cheating. It's natural normal that their proximity makes you feel uncomfortable.

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Something doesn't add up. I have male friends and then I also have known males in my life that cross boundaries with sexual things such as you describe.

She seems awfully naive to think he just wants to be her friend and nothing else . . and yet cries over it?

I think she needs a minute to dig a little deeper about her feelings on this one.

And no, you can't make it better for her.

 

You ought to be a little concerned.

It just doesn't add up.

Most women recognize that men like this guy are not our `friend'

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They had more than a friendship, and your gf has strong feelings for him- may even be in love with him.

 

Why is he so awful? Your gf is the awful one. She emotionally cheated on her husband by allowing highly inappropriate messages. You need to stop being so naive about your gf. She is now being disrespectful to you.

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It's called an emotional affair.. If she had ever valued you and your relationship or her past husband and their relationship, she would not be holding on to this man.

 

Most people want what they could have had... I am guessing nothing physical ever occurred between them and she wished it had so she is holding on to that what if...

 

If I were you, I would sort my own emotions about this and be honest with how this intimacy she has with this man affects you. If you know that it's disrespectful and detrimental to your relationship, I would advise you both to seek counseling or cut your losses and move on with your separate lives. Just know there's someone out there who can be yours and considerate of your feelings.

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The bigger problem here, OP, is that she is still emotionally attached to him.

 

You need to be very concerned about that. You can't tell her what to do, but you can tell her that you find her interactions with this "friend" (and he's no friend if he was sexting her, particularly while she was married) inappropriate. You also need to let her know that if she decides to rekindle this "friendship", there will be consequences for your relationship. You say he is awful, and I would agree, but your girlfriend is no better here.

 

How long have you been together?

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They still have an intense connection and always will. Whether you know about it or not. Of course the crying scene was to set the table for when she fires this affair up again. So is the act that she "needs to talk to him for proper closure" and how awful he is, blah blah.

My fiancé has started telling me how she misses this guy she used to be really good friends with.
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With everything she has told you, it is so obviously clear she has absolutely no fear of losing you. Crying over another man? And one who she has diarrhea of the mouth about, spelling out how he sexted her while she was a married woman.

 

Those rose-colored glasses you have on must come off for your own good. No wonder her previous marriage ended with those poor ethics. It doesn't matter how cute, fun, sexy she is. She is poor relationship material. She's trying to manipulate you right now, hoping the man who loves her so much will take pity and let her pour time and emotional energy into another man she is attracted to (out in the open, since she knows secrets come out in the end, which probably happened in her first marriage).

 

The only thing you can do with smelly garbage is to haul it to the sidewalk.

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Something doesn't add up. I have male friends and then I also have known males in my life that cross boundaries with sexual things such as you describe.

She seems awfully naive to think he just wants to be her friend and nothing else . . and yet cries over it?

I think she needs a minute to dig a little deeper about her feelings on this one.

And no, you can't make it better for her.

 

You ought to be a little concerned.

It just doesn't add up.

Most women recognize that men like this guy are not our `friend'

 

^^^^ DING DING DING!!!! This is what I was gonna say. So he was inappropriate and she didn't like, but yet here she is crying over not being "friends" with him? If they had a past relationship and she does want to end it for you (which is the right thing to do)- why is she THIS overwrought over it? If you can't be friends with someone after you are married, it's probably because you were more than friends or want more than friendship. Married people often have friends of the opposite sex. It's not like you have to say " I'm getting married, so I can no longer be friends with any male ever, even if we were friends long before I met my spouse." Unless, of course, it ventured beyond friendship.

 

I agree with the above poster, something here does NOT add up. She's not being fully honest with you about this man or this relationship. And I mean, FAR beyond "sexting". Nobody is this distraught over losing a friend they weren't that close to and no woman is going to cry over a man that was a nuisance that she is glad to get rid of. If this guy really is "just a friend" then there is no reason they can't continue to be friends after you are married. Even people who were once involved can still be friends if they are mature and faithful to their new spouse.

I think it's some pretty massive red flags that

1. She believes she is incapable of being friends with him after your marriage- points to that there's something still there.

2. She is this upset about it- this strongly indicates that at the very best- she's attracted to him and will miss the attention or at worst- she has real feelings for him and doesn't feel good about letting it go- BOTH of which should concern you.

 

The fact that she is obsessing over this "friend" and not just reveling in all your engagement glory is concerning.

 

Awkward as it may be, I think you need to ask her why she is actually this upset about the prospect of not hanging out with him. And it's NOT because they were such "good friends". Better to have this conversation now than after you are married. The LAST thing you want to do is get married and have this symbolic " forbidden fruit" hanging around. It might be "fine for now" but what happens when she continues to "miss him" or after the two of you have a big fight? Or if she's feeling unattractive? There a reason she didn't stop him during her former marriage. You need to nip this in the bud NOW. You know this is not normal or healthy for her to be responding in this way.

 

IMVHO, she would not be THIS upset unless there were strong feelings on her side. Otherwise, she'd have no problem "taking out the trash".

 

I know it's a chick flick- but bear with me here- In The Notebook, Ally is engaged but goes to "check on" her old love, Noah. it wasn't to "check", it was because she still loved him. Even her mother says to her later in the movie' You knew what would happen if you came out here". Reminds me of your fiance and ending things on "better terms". If she really thinks this guy is a creep and has no place in her life, why is she THIS concerned how he feels and making him feel better about "ending things". If he was a pest that she's glad to be rid of, and he wasn't even talking to her- what is there to "end"???? SHE wanted to talk to him and an acceptable excuse to you to talk to him. Simple as that.

Edited by redswim30
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They still have an intense connection and always will. Whether you know about it or not. Of course the crying scene was to set the table for when she fires this affair up again. So is the act that she "needs to talk to him for proper closure" and how awful he is, blah blah.

 

I agree. These seem classical signs that she wants to get closer to him or even set up an affair in the future. The crying to emotionally manipulate the OP to feel guilty to be between this "friendship" and setting up the excuses "but I've told you how important he was to me" and the need to talk for closure when enough closure and reasons to break off this friendship should have been a supposed friend sending sexual messages to her when she was MARRIED to another man. And yes, the classical "he's so awful", yet she's crying because she needs to stay away from her "sexting friend" while being in a relationship. It's fishy.

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Speaking only for myself, I'd tell GF that I adore her, and that's why I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. She can take all the time she wants to finish old business or heat it back up again, that's her decision. If she ever finds herself free and clear--and completely over the guy--she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

Boom. Done. I'd be off into the sunset. My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still emotional about anyone with whom he was sexual in any way, shape or form--especially to the degree that he would be indiscreet enough to dump that on ME.

 

Head high, and respect yourself. You'll thank yourself later.

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So she tells me that she can see herself getting drunk and texting or calling him. I told her there are steps she can take to make sure that never happens.

 

I ask her point blank is she doing Anything suspicious.

 

She tells me that it was just a really close friendship. That my standards for what a friend is doesnÂ’t matter.

 

She asks me what happens if she feels like she thinks she can be friends with him again. I tell her I refuse to play this hypothetical game.

 

Part of me feels like she lost a good friend in her mind so sheÂ’s super sad. The other part says who the hell cries over someone who just stopped talking to you

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Speaking only for myself, I'd tell GF that I adore her, and that's why I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. She can take all the time she wants to finish old business or heat it back up again, that's her decision. If she ever finds herself free and clear--and completely over the guy--she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

Boom. Done. I'd be off into the sunset. My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still emotional about anyone with whom he was sexual in any way, shape or form--especially to the degree that he would be indiscreet enough to dump that on ME.

 

Head high, and respect yourself. You'll thank yourself later.

 

I agree with this. She is showing her colors by characterizing the friendship as she chooses, without helping you find accurate language to define it because "your standard doesn't matter".

 

One rule of thumb I use is, would I put person x in company of me and my bf? Why? Why not? Those answers tell me what I need to discern.

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So she tells me that she can see herself getting drunk and texting or calling him. I told her there are steps she can take to make sure that never happens.

I ask her point blank is she doing Anything suspicious.

 

She tells me that it was just a really close friendship. That my standards for what a friend is doesnÂ’t matter.

 

She asks me what happens if she feels like she thinks she can be friends with him again. I tell her I refuse to play this hypothetical game.

 

Part of me feels like she lost a good friend in her mind so sheÂ’s super sad. The other part says who the hell cries over someone who just stopped talking to you

 

Notice, her answer is either a dodge or a yes.

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I asked her if she was done with him and she said yes.

 

She also texted me this

 

I love you so much. I want us. I want you. I just also need to be honest with my expectations.

I expect that I can make my own choices. I expect that you trust me.

 

I told her I feel like I’m in the purgatory of not really knowing if she is gonna continue talking to him or not. She said she is done, but might contact him when she’s drunk.

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I asked her if she was done with him and she said yes.

 

She also texted me this

 

I love you so much. I want us. I want you. I just also need to be honest with my expectations.

I expect that I can make my own choices. I expect that you trust me.

 

I told her I feel like I’m in the purgatory of not really knowing if she is gonna continue talking to him or not. She said she is done, but might contact him when she’s drunk.

 

This would not work for me. At all. Not that I would be angry etc but why him when drunk? Why not you?

 

Yes she can make her own choices. So can you.

 

You want "us" too, when she is fully available to develop "us". Right now, she is sufficiently turned on by her ex as to be unreliable.

 

She is protecting her right to hold her hand close to the flame. When she is ready to let that go, she may be a viable candidate for a serious LTR.Till then, she is making herself available only for something less serious.

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OP when I was a little more open to an ex than was appropriate for me, vis a vis my relationship goals, my bf was loving and effective. He simply made note of his goals with me, acknowledged we might be in different places, and said that that's okay. It was entirely up to me; it always is of course. It is entirely up to her and you know that. Let your words reflect it.

 

At the same time, your choices are entirely up to you.

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I think you should talk about her previous marriage. Why did it fall apart? Did talking sexy with a male friend have anything to do with it?

 

HE isn't the problem - SHE is for allowing him to talk sexy to her during her marriage. She has no boundaries - *and* her act of cutting him off is a dramatic act to guilt you - lamenting how she is soooooo SAAAAD and might contact him drunk.

 

Honestly, i think you need to review your engagement big time. I would not marry this woman, unless you are completely fine with "sharing" her.

 

She should have stopped this during or before her first marriage - if my marriage was crumbling, i would have been scared shiftless and would have dumped any outside distraction.

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