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His ex came back into the picture


Calohboy
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Hi. New here and just looking for some advice, maybe even validation.

I was dating a wonderful man for the last year. We took things slow and the relationship deepened gradually. We are both older, me 49 and him 50. He hadnt been in a serious relationship for 20 years (or so I thought) We also lived an hour apart. So we mostly saw each other on weekends. Now and then towards the end he would stay over occasionally during the week.

Everything was going really well until the week after Thanksgiving which was our 10 month mark. Suddenly he started forgetting things...like my birthday, dates, would show up late, make last minute plans and sometimes no plans at all. I actually broke it off just after Christmas because of all of this. He had no explanation for the change and I told him I didn’t feel like a priority to him anymore. I also said that I wanted a relationship in which I was someone’s priority. We didn’t see each other for a few weeks and both missed each other. He was an awful communicator, but had really started to try.

 

One thing that I brought up to discuss was that I had heard on Thanksgiving from one of his family members that he had “waited” for his last girlfriend for 10 years. She evidently had a live in boyfriend and never did leave him. At first, my ex was angry and dodging the conversation. I wanted to know if they had had closure. He was very vague.

The next time we talked about it (a few days later) he said she had shown up at his house a couple of months ago and was crying saying he abandoned her. He say he did abandon her. I could tell he still cared and this had hurt him. I asked him if it was before or after Thanksgiving and he said it was just after, which was when his behavior really changed.

He said they had closure that evening, but again was very vague and wouldn’t really answer my questions.

He said he wanted to make us work and stayed the weekend a couple of weeks ago. Came a couple of days later and did my brakes and stayed the night. However, the next evening he didn’t try to make contact until 8:30 at night and I was already in bed (is off work and home by 4) and didn’t text his normal morning text the following morning. (He used to text me every morning on his way to work)

I got upset and told him I didn’t want to talk that night and then told him (via text) that I couldn’t t do this anymore and it was over.

The last couple of moths was a real roller coaster for me. He was not honest and open about that relationship and it took me by total surprise that she showed up and it messed his head up at the very least. For all I know, he could have started seeing her again. When I mentioned that it was awfully coincidental that all of this started right about the time she showed up, he dismissed it saying it had nothing to do with anything.

Truth be told, I can’t be forgotten about and treated like I’m on a shelf. However, I feel like I may have overreacted this last time and it bothers me. Of course he had an excuse for not making contact til late (fell asleep when he got home) and then “forgot to hit send” on the text the next morning. I’m not an insecure person, but the events over the last two months sent me into and insecure tail spin. I honestly had the thought the night he didn’t call til late “maybe she showed up again”. He never did apologize or even understood where I was coming from when I was so upset about being forgotten, made last, our plans forgotten about etc.

Then after learning about her, and the fact he never even mentioned a 10 year off and on relationship that he supposedly ended just before meeting me? He couldn’t understand why I wanted to talk about it, had some questions and why I was now feeling insecure.

It was a straw that broke this camels back. Or was it just a straw?

I’ll never know for sure.😩

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Well, take a look at is character. He was helping a woman in a live in relationship to cheat on her partner and it wasn't like she lied to him and told him she was single... he waited around WITH HER for her to leave him for goodness sakes.

 

You're better off without him because you'll never be able to trust him not to mention that if you did stoke things up with him again, sub-consciously you'll not respect him (which will lead you to be disrespecting him) knowing that he doesn't respect other peoples relationships and feels just fine being with a 'married' woman.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Time will take care of that. Keep yourself busy and put yourself out there again when you're feeling a tad more indifferent to your ex.

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He was emotionally unavailable from the beginning based on what you wrote. Stop doubting yourself and stay away from this man! If you actually want to be treated like a priority, it will ever happen as long as you chase around a guy who doesn't value his relationship with you.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but you deserve better. Please realize that.

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Thank you all. I know it had to end and yes, I have lost respect and trust. (Lost some respect for myself too. Took an ego beating as well)

I didn’t see it coming. I believed him to be a man of good character. Actions proved me wrong. He did say he didn’t tell me about it because he was ashamed. But, he obviously wasn’t too ashamed to continue seeing someone that was with someone else. Supposedly she gave him all of the excuses and told him they didn’t even sleep in the same room. But, come on! All cheaters lie.

 

I did also put the emotionally unavailable piece together.

 

Have had no contact for a week and a half and plan on keeping it that way. I am hurting. I know I’ll heal. It just sucks as you all know.

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Sorry to hear this. Don't be his backup plan while he renegotiates getting back together with his local on/off gf. End it for your own sake. Block and delete him rather than stay on this roller coaster. You know enough now to make an informed decision about him and where you stand.

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