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I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore


Katya33
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hey quick back story. we've been dating for 5 years now we are now 19 years old. as you can tell we've been together all of high school and all of my teen years basically. I love him hes my best friend I couldn't imagine life without him he treats me SOOO good so good and he loves me with all of his heart, but idk if im fully there anymore.. like of course I still love him I think I always will love him but im not sure if I love him relationship wise anymore. Im in college and I live by my college so idont see him often only on weekends and every time I see him I just wanna be left alone or id rather go see my friends, I dread the weekends (I also love school..shocker I know) during the week he tells me how much he misses me and everything and I just don't ever miss him anymore.. I don't know what to do and sorry TMI but I also haven't really been wanting to do anything sexual with him I dread that too, idk why its not him hes perfect and sexy and I love his body but its just I don't know im not feeling it. And if I have to break up with him I can't I just can't do it hes my bestfriend I love him I can't not be with him, it would absolutely break his heart, I don't want to hurt him I love him too much to hurt him so im so stuck in my situation :( and there also some guys at school that I think I like and want to talk to and stuff but I can't because of my bf its just a messed up situation and im a horrible person :( idk what to do

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and there also some guys at school that I think I like and want to talk to and stuff but I can't because of my bf
I just love how these "I don't think I love my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore" thread always leave the above line out until near the end of their opening post.

 

How well have you gotten to know these other/this other guy(s)? How or why do you "think" you "like" them?

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The fact that you don't see him till the weekends has made you equate getting hurt with being in love with him. Because if you let yourself love him more then you're just going to miss him during the week. I think this is why you dread the weekends because it renews those feelings and why you don't want to sleep with him despite finding him attractive. He has everything you want, and history, but you don't want to get hurt and miss him during the week so you have your wall up. And now that there are new guys that look interesting you're asking yourself why not try those guys out instead of being with this guy that isn't around all the time.

 

If you go ahead with breaking up with him, at first you may be relieved that you're free and not miss him at all. I would expect the consequence of breaking up to really hit you once he starts dating new girls. Even worse, when he starts dating them seriously and won't come back to you. Then after a couple of years when the newness wears off you may wish you could get him back. So what you're really talking about is gambling a good thing to see if you can have fun and possibly do better. And that's completely up to you, you're young and it's your life, I have no idea how your bf is or how the new guys are.

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ah yes.. the first taste of true independence and new exciting life and friends.. hard to pass up isn't it?

You are correct to want to explore, spread your wings and experience the world rather than be tied down and settled - absolutely! So do that!

 

However. If you truly love him and he has always treated you well - that is hard to find and might be gold you don't want to let go of.

 

while I normally poo-poo the idea that anybody has found their lifemate at 14, I also know in today's world that finding genuinely good, sincere, people who treat you well and consistently do - is EXTREMELY RARE!!! My best recommendation to you is to try to make it work while still being your own person and exploring. The healthiest couples have a VERY healthy dose of "me time" and individualism - it isn't the ones who are constantly together and do all the same things (anybody would go MAD doing that for decades!).

 

So try not to let the sincere, sweet, good people escape you. But never stop exploring and strething your boundaries to absorb more.

 

Hopefully in this case you can do both. (aka don't get too enamored and excited with only "shiny new things"... ). If its just a hinderence and you can't get him to stretch and explore to (on his own or with you) - then yeah.. this phase of life is to explore and get out there first and foremost.

 

Good luck and enjoy!

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I don’t know why people are essentially attacking you for outgrowing a relationship. It is perfectly normal to want to explore especially in your university years. If you are not feeling it, you should probably let him know. There is no point in trying to force yourself to want to be with someone. It will never work. Doing what you feel is right is usually the hardest and scariest thing. But you will not be able to keep him in your life if you do choose to be free and explore. At least not right away. You will have to go no contact in order for you both to heal. And it will be difficult, but you’ll know if that’s the right decision for you. I’ve been in your position actually, and after many years we are now friends. And I have him back in my life. So don’t lose all hope of a friendship somewhere down the line. Good luck :)

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Its very normal to feel what you are feeling, part of being an adult in an adult relationship is dealing with the "grass is greener" temptations of life. New, unknown, mysterious these are always enticing things when compared to the familiar, the well worn, the time tested and true. Entire industries have long been established on how to help people get their early feelings of desire and infatuation back into their long term relationship. This attests to the fact that excitement fades as love grows.

 

What you have to remember is that if you ditch this guy and find another love, then five years from now, you will be facing exactly the same feelings. The problem may not be your guy or your relationship, it may be you and your lack of commitment, your need to dump the known for the unknown. This yearning is something you will have to learn to manage if you are ever going to be in a stable long term relationship. When we indulge this need to roam, that's when the sexual excitement starts to fade in a relationship. That part of sex is in the mind and when the mind is focused on the exit door handle, the sex is not going to be great.

 

35 years ago, I was where you are and I did what you want to do and I lived to regret it, because all the fun and independence and freedom to explore paled in comparison to the depth of that deep true love I turned away from. The last thing that boyfriend said to me what that I would never find a man who loved me the way he did, and he was right about that, so right. I'd like to tell you too that the couples I know today who were high school sweethearts and are now married 30+ years are the happiest, most content most successful couples I know.

 

So think hard, think twice on this, is it really him? Or is it your lack of walking the commitment walk and really knowing what it means to be in love with someone. Love is not something you "fall" into, it is something you decide to be into, if you are in a position to find someone you love and are lucky enough to have that choice to make.

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Love is not something you "fall" into, it is something you decide to be into, if you are in a position to find someone you love and are lucky enough to have that choice to make.

 

This person's post hit the nail on the head, and this exert itself is a golden nugget. It's important to not confuse the short-term, drug-like sensation of a dopamine rush that comes from a fresh relationship, a honeymoon phase, temptations, or other things like that with the actual value in a mature love and relationship. Life will not always be thrilling, and depending on the circumstances, life might not always be all that fun, but the point of a long term relationship is to transcend these short-term feelings.

 

Ultimately, what you will have to do is what you think you will have to do, but it's very important to understand before you make any life-altering decisions both the nature of mature love, and the effective guarantee that choosing to remove this person from your life romantically will push him away from you entirely (friendship won't exist, it almost never does, and it's extremely unhealthy to believe or hold out any hope that it might) and into the arms of someone else.

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Its very normal to feel what you are feeling, part of being an adult in an adult relationship is dealing with the "grass is greener" temptations of life. New, unknown, mysterious these are always enticing things when compared to the familiar, the well worn, the time tested and true. Entire industries have long been established on how to help people get their early feelings of desire and infatuation back into their long term relationship. This attests to the fact that excitement fades as love grows.

 

What you have to remember is that if you ditch this guy and find another love, then five years from now, you will be facing exactly the same feelings. The problem may not be your guy or your relationship, it may be you and your lack of commitment, your need to dump the known for the unknown. This yearning is something you will have to learn to manage if you are ever going to be in a stable long term relationship. When we indulge this need to roam, that's when the sexual excitement starts to fade in a relationship. That part of sex is in the mind and when the mind is focused on the exit door handle, the sex is not going to be great.

 

35 years ago, I was where you are and I did what you want to do and I lived to regret it, because all the fun and independence and freedom to explore paled in comparison to the depth of that deep true love I turned away from. The last thing that boyfriend said to me what that I would never find a man who loved me the way he did, and he was right about that, so right. I'd like to tell you too that the couples I know today who were high school sweethearts and are now married 30+ years are the happiest, most content most successful couples I know.

 

So think hard, think twice on this, is it really him? Or is it your lack of walking the commitment walk and really knowing what it means to be in love with someone. Love is not something you "fall" into, it is something you decide to be into, if you are in a position to find someone you love and are lucky enough to have that choice to make.

So worth repeating.

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I don’t know why people are essentially attacking you for outgrowing a relationship. It is perfectly normal to want to explore especially in your university years. If you are not feeling it, you should probably let him know. There is no point in trying to force yourself to want to be with someone. It will never work. Doing what you feel is right is usually the hardest and scariest thing. But you will not be able to keep him in your life if you do choose to be free and explore. At least not right away. You will have to go no contact in order for you both to heal. And it will be difficult, but you’ll know if that’s the right decision for you. I’ve been in your position actually, and after many years we are now friends. And I have him back in my life. So don’t lose all hope of a friendship somewhere down the line. Good luck :)

 

No one is "attacking" and I think you're off the mark in concluding that the Op has outgrown her relationship. There is no indication that she has but only that she is lonely and taking her current boyfriend who clearly values and loves her for granted over the POSSIBILITY of having some new relationship energy experience. Well, like all good things in life, that new relationship energy will wane in time. (as LDJ points out so read it again Op and do some introspection).

 

if she hasn't learned the difference between lust and love then she will fall, once again to the grass is greener syndrome.

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You're not a horrible person, but like many young folks, you have outgrown your first love.

You already know what you need to do. He will be hurt, but he will eventually heal. It's the kinder option than staying with someone you know you don't want to be with any longer.

I second this post. It is incredibly rare for a couple to stay together for the rest of their lives when they started dating at age 14 - pretty much when they were still children. People grow. Mature. Change. All normal and does NOT make you a bad person. You'll probably have a few more relationships before you eventually find the "right" one and get married. As will he. Be kind to him and tell him the truth. Live you life to the fullest.

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Well, it was a different time I'll admit but we know several people who met in high school and are still going strong.

I think it's one thing to break up because you are no longer compatible or one is not being shown value but to break up with a man she loves, who treats her well, who is her best friend so that she can pursue some "talk" with other boys is a mistake that she very well may regret.

 

I love him hes my best friend I couldn't imagine life without him he treats me SOOO good so good and he loves me with all of his heart, but idk if im fully there anymore.

 

Katya: Did you have thoughts of "not fully being there anymore" before you wanted to pursue these other guys or was it just after you set your sights on them that you felt that way?

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No one is "attacking" and I think you're off the mark in concluding that the Op has outgrown her relationship. There is no indication that she has but only that she is lonely and taking her current boyfriend who clearly values and loves her for granted over the POSSIBILITY of having some new relationship energy experience. Well, like all good things in life, that new relationship energy will wane in time. (as LDJ points out so read it again Op and do some introspection).

 

if she hasn't learned the difference between lust and love then she will fall, once again to the grass is greener syndrome.

 

Did we read the same post? She said she does not fully feel she is in the relationship anymore, and does not love him in the relationship way anymore. She said she does not even feel sexually attracted to him anymore. Only reason she is still with him is because of history and is afraid of breaking his heart. This is no reason to continue a relationship.

Edited by frustrated1
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No one is "attacking" and I think you're off the mark in concluding that the Op has outgrown her relationship. There is no indication that she has but only that she is lonely and taking her current boyfriend who clearly values and loves her for granted over the POSSIBILITY of having some new relationship energy experience. Well, like all good things in life, that new relationship energy will wane in time. (as LDJ points out so read it again Op and do some introspection)..

 

I'm going to have to strongly disagree. I think there is every indication that she has outgrown this.

 

She was, for all intents and purposes, a child when they started dating. As a young adult now, she has changed and is growing up. She clearly does not want to date him anymore. It's not a matter of her being lonely or taking her boyfriend for granted. Staying with someone she met as a kid because the grass might not be greener is foolish and self-limiting. She isn't happy with him and isn't doing either of them any favours by tying herself to a situation she no longer wants to be in.

 

Will things work out with the new boys around her? Maybe, maybe not. It's not as though they will be her only option forever. Does that mean she should stay with a boy she doesn't love? Good heavens, no. I doubt she will regret ending it. Her heart isn't in it, with or without these other guys.

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^^^^We will agree to disagree then. :D Because she still does love him.

 

I think she would truly regret it if she were to break up with him because the grass looks greener.

 

*On Edit:

Did we read the same post? She said she does not fully feel she is in the relationship anymore, and does not love him in the relationship way anymore. She said she does not even feel sexually attracted to him anymore. Only reason she is still with him is because of history and is afraid of breaking his heart. This is no reason to continue a relationship.

 

I believe we both read the same post however, we have interpreted it differently. She still loves him, she says she will always love but isn't sure if she loves him "in a boyfriend way." (which in my opinion is due to wanting to "talk to these other guys."

 

If she's truly certain that she is done with him then yes, she should break up with him but I think she will regret it if she is doing it because some other dude has been giving her a bit of attention.

 

Op: Has some other boy been giving you some attention? Were you content within your relationship before you went away to University?

 

My opinion is coming from someone who has been with the same man since senior year in highschool. We have been married for 41 years now so I understand what you're going through (been there, done that) however I was cognizant enough to know that "this too shall pass." So if you love him like you say you do, and he loves you like you say he does then you'll be able to judge whether this 'wanderlust' you're experiencing is just temporary or its a permanent lull that won't pass. Your call, luv.

Edited by ThatwasThen
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She's been agonising about this for ages (posted about it before) and it had nothing to do with finding someone else or "grass is greener".

 

OP, you really need to sit down face-to-face with your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. No point in dragging things out when you're this unhappy. Time to talk.

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She's been agonising about this for ages (posted about it before) and it had nothing to do with finding someone else or "grass is greener".

 

OP, you really need to sit down face-to-face with your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. No point in dragging things out when you're this unhappy. Time to talk.

 

I was going on the opening post. If she hasn't given up on him yet then maybe she deep down doesn't really want to?

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