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Would I seem weak for wanting to talk instead of just ending it?


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Last night I had full intentions of either ghosting her forever or just straight up telling her I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. But karma intervened, I tried not to be a jerk while she told me how he was playing games. The whole time I thought karma is a b ain’t it. I’ve posted before but long story short she has been playing games with me, making then cancelling plans, telling me about how much she likes me etc. long story short playing games. But after we talked I’m able to recognize the distance. I didn’t realize all the talking we were doing was actually hurting me not helping. I’m still thinking the same way, I just didn’t wanna pile on. Anyway here is my question. I don’t really want this girl out of my life but I feel like I don’t have a choice. But honestly I do. I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel. Give her a chance to speak up and actually have a adult conversation. I feel like this might make me seem weak because I’d rather talk and fix this instead of booting her out of my life. What should I do.

All I know is I deserve better, but I don’t want her gone.

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I ask you to please reframe your thinking.

 

Avoid language like "playing games" and "deserve better". The first assumes intention and the second is entitled. In fact, we deserve what we are willing to earn. And by earn, I don't mean in the form of chasing someone else. We earn by acting as the CEO of our own lives. Make decisions about what purpose a person serves in your life. What purpose does this person serve? Why be friends at all?

 

Maybe there is a reason: maybe you are learning an interpersonal skill. Maybe you are hanging onto a dream. Whatever her purpose, is her company/contact the best way to meet that purpose?

 

If so, do with her what works for you. Only what works for you. Do not put yourself out there with invitations because she doesn't follow through. If you DO, whatever happens is something you did to yourself.

 

Let's assume she is kind hearted but unskilled. She avoids confrontation and she is disorganized. The result would be the same: too needy to tell you its hopeless; too disorganized or avoidant to know she will not show up. The results would be the same.

 

In short:

 

Decide what works for you. Make incremental change: don't call or text for a week, for example. This really isn't about her. Its about you. Only you know what works for you. Do that.

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Yes I did. She said yes

But she also said she didn’t wanna relationship.

Yes to date but no to dating

 

So if you want a relationship then leave her and move on with your life, you're not on the same page. Simple. It's worth a dilemma or back and forth.

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I definitely relate to your inner struggle - you don't want her out of your life, but you really don't want her in it, either, not like this. You want the relationship to suddenly fix itself somehow.

 

She has stated, out loud, she doesn't really want a relationship. Okay to date, not dating -- what does that mean? I mean, this is going to leave your head spinning, constantly. What do you do? What do you not do? She cancels, but talks about missing you and wants to spend time with you...and then cancels. She's messy.

 

Unfortunately, you really can't have both. Unless you are willing and able to put up with the flaky and hurtful behavior and not be wounded or hurt over it, I do believe the better choice is to go completely no contact. You can't see a clear picture when she's constantly poking at your psyche. Even though you "know" and "understand" her position, you secretly or subconsciously expect more, and when "more" doesn't happen, it leaves you upset.

 

Personal example: I think I've finally reached a point that I'm letting this guy go. It's been on again, off again for years, and it's been "casual" and I don't expect anything, but the thing is, I do. Deep down, I expect more. I definitely want more out of a partner, and I wan't a permanent relationship, but I know this guy isn't "it," and he told me he doesn't want anything serious. So I just went with it. I like him and I enjoy time with him, and you know? Why not? Why not just enjoy whatever he has to offer when he has the ability to offer it? But once again, I find myself hurt by his actions...the same thing that has happened repeatedly over time. What has made this harder is that there seems to be a drive, on his part, to promote something more, yet at the same time, not. Does this make sense to you? It probably doesn't, which is exactly how I feel. I'm lost. I loathe the idea of removing him entirely, but I just can't do this anymore. I hope I have the strength and ability to make it stick this time.

 

With that, OP, I really think you need to just end it and be done. I don't know that a fade-out will work for you or taking any kind of backseat approach, casual is okay, etc. You can try. I wouldn't fault you if you did, but you really have to go into that approach with full knowledge this will go nowhere. You'll find yourself alone with no plans when she bails. There is a lot of disappointment and hurt and resentment, and it's about the equivalent to picking at a scab, making it harder and taking it longer to heal.

 

As for a discussion? Don't. She might pull you back in with her promises. She's afraid to let you go too. She likes having that guy around when she wants him around, and she'll do what she needs to do...at a bare minimum...to keep you there. You have already had discussions with her, and you don't need to do anything more at this time. If she comes around, makes contact, simply let her know you are not available any longer. When she's ready for a relationship, you'll be here (hopefully you will have found Ms Right by then, but who knows). Live your life. Move on.

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She said yes to what?

 

If you want a relationship and she does not, then what's left to talk about?

 

I’m also confused about this plus it’s only been a month so a lot of waxing poetic about a very casual situation here.

 

Is it ‘weak’ to communicate, no absolutely not, are your post an indication you may have a high level of anxiety when it comes to dating? Yes, very much so.

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I’m also confused about this plus it’s only been a month so a lot of waxing poetic about a very casual situation here.

 

Is it ‘weak’ to communicate, no absolutely not, are your post an indication you may have a high level of anxiety when it comes to dating? Yes, very much so.

 

I agree. Communication isn't 'weak,' in and of itself, but if someone has already stated that she doesn't want a relationship with you, then kicking a dead horse is pointless--and yes, weak.

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Last night I had full intentions of either ghosting her forever or just straight up telling her I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. But karma intervened, I tried not to be a jerk while she told me how he was playing games. The whole time I thought karma is a b ain’t it. I’ve posted before but long story short she has been playing games with me, making then cancelling plans, telling me about how much she likes me etc. long story short playing games. But after we talked I’m able to recognize the distance. I didn’t realize all the talking we were doing was actually hurting me not helping. I’m still thinking the same way, I just didn’t wanna pile on. Anyway here is my question. I don’t really want this girl out of my life but I feel like I don’t have a choice. But honestly I do. I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel. Give her a chance to speak up and actually have a adult conversation. I feel like this might make me seem weak because I’d rather talk and fix this instead of booting her out of my life. What should I do.

All I know is I deserve better, but I don’t want her gone.

 

Boot her. She's playing games, and will likely continue, there's too much drama. There's no such thing as karma. Make smart decisions based on reality.

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