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I can´t eat or do schoolwork


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My boyfriend confessed that he has feelings for another girl at school. We went 5 days trying to figure out what to do, and I obviously did not want to let go, so I let him choose who he wanted. He still could'nt decide, so I decided to just break up with him because I could'nt deal with the stress anymore. Now 3 days have passed, and I still continue to text him, call him, and wish for him to come back to me. He was my first love, and I'm not easily just going to give up. The girl likes him back, but I have a feeling they won't work out, because she smokes, drinks, and is kind of "trashy", which I know he's not (or wasn't very attracted to.) I have not been able to eat. At all. I throw up when I brush my teeth, when I drink water, and when I barely move from any position. I find it hard to get out of bed, and I have not done any homework since this all happened. My first instinct is telling me that I am anxious and depressed, but I can't help but think maybe I really am sick. My heart rate is in the 120's constantly, my body feels empty, my hands are numb and shaking, I am cold for apparently no reason, and I have a low grade fever. Him and I had the type of relationship that everyone admired, and my family was proud of me for finding a God loving young man who treated me right. We lost our virginities to eachother, and his mother believed that we really had true teenage love. I don't know what to do. I know he loves me, but he must not be IN love with me... I need help.

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Sorry to hear this. Heartaches hurt and you did the right thing ending it. Don't contact him anymore.

 

Talk to your parents or other trusted adults/teachers about homework and not feeling well. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor for a check up.

My boyfriend confessed that he has feelings for another girl at school. I decided to just break up with him because I could'nt deal with the stress anymore.

 

I throw up when I brush my teeth, when I drink water, and when I barely move from any position. I find it hard to get out of bed, and I have not done any homework since this all happened.

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Our parents think we should stay friends, and I don't know if that is the right decision. I know I want it to be, but I'm just not sure.
A couple things to realize

1. Why would you want a relationship with a person who is not committed to having a successful relationship with u.

2. By continuing to persue him you are enabling his cognitive dissonance and working against yourself.

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If you are truly honest with yourself you would only stay friends with him in a hope that he will come back to you....

 

Now listen, that very well MAY happen, but prepare yourself for an extended world of pain if you go down this path*

 

If what you say is true then I agree, him and this other girl probably won't last....but you need to let that run it's own course...

 

In the meantime, cry it out. Try and sleep and eat the best you can ok. Drink lots of water.

 

Here's a video for you too:

 

Sorry for your pain. It's horrible I know*

 

Carus*

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The first heartbreak is one of the toughest ones because it's something you haven't experienced before. Your symptoms are not unheard of. You are hurting and you will need some time to heal. What you are suffering is a form of bereavement. Your relationship is dead and the person you remember does no longer exist. He has changed. His feelings have changed. In a way, he is no longer the person you think. You need to grieve the loss of the person you remember and take it a day at a time to heal.

 

There are 5 stages that people often experience when they are broken up with and it's part of a grieving process : denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. It sounds like your mind is vaccilating between denial and bargaining at this stage.

 

You do need to give up because you have no control over his feelings and actions. His feelings for her may indeed change in time (like they changed for you) but waiting around in case it happens is a horrible idea. It may not happen or he may move on to another girl. Making yourself his plan B is not going to win you any brownie points, it will only lower your worth in his mind and validate his decision to take you for granted and leave. This guy took an inventory of your qualities and decided that you are replaceable, that he can do better. Time to take a step back and think. Time to take him off the pedestal you had placed him. What he did was a huge transgression. What he did indicates that he is not special enough. Any person who is capable of abandoning you is by default not special as far as you are concerned. He may have good qualities but he has proven that he he is not a good fit after all and that's hugely problematic.

 

He stopped treating you right the minute he decided that you are not enough and that he wants to keep looking what else is there. Plus, you may think you know what he likes but his actions indicate otherwise. He does not mind drinking, smoking and trashy or he wouldn't be going after it. Some rules of thumb: a) The truth is in their actions b) when words and actions don't match, the truth is usually the worst case scenario.

 

You need to go no contact. That means radio silence, no cyber stalking of any kind, no learning what he does from friends and relatives. Anything you learn from now on will only prolong your pain. Do say hi if you come face to face but no more. Keeping him as a friend is the worst thing you can do to yourself and it will even hurt your chances of getting back together. It will send the message that taking you for granted is ok, trying to replace you is ok, you don't mind, you are willing to stick around, you will continue to be his friend while he sniffs around, therefore what he is doing is ok, it's no big deal.

 

You also need to focus on other things and other people. Right about now, making school and physical exercise and hobbies that do not involve him your main priorities would be a great idea. That and meeting new people.

Edited by Clio
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Try to stay well and first and foremost look after yourself- you deserve it. I know it seems extremely difficult at the moment, but what will be will be. When you feel yourself feeling a little better you could talk to him about it all. But for now concentrate on yourself. Whatever happens, happens.

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OP

 

Long post... I hope it is helpful.

 

First: Know this: You did the right thing. Respect your decision, and stop contacting him. You will get better sooner. To get through this time, I like this practical advice: https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf

 

Second: Talk to a doctor. Several days of those symptoms will cause dehydration, dizziness, and reduced resistance to colds, flus, and other viruses. Further, it is possible to get short-term help for our emotions - medication, talking therapy, etc. - when our emotions overwhelm us, and that sounds appropriate here. Sometimes, asking for help helps so much that no further help is needed (if that made sense?).

 

Third: What you are experiencing is logical, understandable, and will get better. Have faith in that. My break up back then was so dramatic! Oh my goodness. You are not alone in going through this. I promise. And, I didn't know for sure until many years later, but you know what? We were not intended for each other. It is okay; your path is your own and nobody else can walk it but you. You will be okay, learn about yourself as you go, and make adjustments as you desire.

 

Fourth: Trust your instincts. This can be hard to and scary, but the truth is, you are beginning to know yourself better than your parents know you. Sometimes, your judgment will be better than theirs, in terms of knowing what is best for you. Still, it is smart to check your judgment with other wise resources. Your most responsible, steady friend may be one such resource, as well as a youth leader at your church, or a counselor or teacher at school. Not all adults are equal, and nobody can walk your path but you, so choose your "personal advisory council" wisely, and listen to your inner voice, always.

 

Understand this:

You did have teenage love. God tells us we can love everyone, and we can. The question is, from what distance? As teenagers, we often get intimately close in our relationships, and that is very difficult. I will offer four reasons why teenage love is difficult to sustain.

 

(1) It is a new experience.

As teenagers and young adults, we are developing skills that preserve and enhance our emotional health. Some skills are brand new, some skills we don't know about yet. If we become deeply attached to someone else at the same time we are learning about relationships - even best friend relationships - we can become overwhelmed with emotions - joyful emotions and more challenging, painful emotions. Relationships require a broad set of skills to create and maintain. Its a learning journey.

 

(2) Fears and expectations and self-discovery:

Everyone is different, but it feels like our basic assumptions are universal. They aren't. Relationships raise up fears and assumptions we start creating when we are young children, and those fears and expectations make relationships even harder to manage. Fears and expectations are normal, and often are the source of conflicts that seem both silly and impossible to resolve. This is part of the process of discovery of ourselves and how to partner up with others. We all have been there! It is rare that relationships started as teens remain healthy and strong into adulthood. Why? Because we are learning who are, and how to form a partnership with someone else, and that means we are learning how to choose and sustain a good match. Dating more than one person is almost always necessary to learn and find a match that works for us.

 

(3) Our self-esteem is delicate.

In the teenage years, our self-esteem is under attack from every side -- other kinds of groups at school suggest we "should" be one way or another; our parents set expectations of how we "should" be, our coaches, our teachers, etc -- everyone has an idea of how we should be. This makes us vulnerable to relying on our bf (or gf) as a source of support. When we rely on someone else to remind us we are okay, we transfer to that person the job of holding us up. One, that isn't their job, and two, because we don't control the other person, it is a scary way to live. Three -- if that person decides to change their role in our lives, as has happened with your bf and as is his privilege (and yours), we lose our basic support system, leaving us unstable. It doesn't feel good and there IS a better way.

 

Think about it: How often does someone tell us we are okay as we ARE? How often do you tell yourself you are okay as you ARE? It seems we forget that teenagers are people, not just growing organisms transitioning from one age to another. With our foundation already under stress, we enter into a relationship wherein we want the other person's approval... this is unsustainable, puts way too much pressure on ourselves, the other person, and the relationship itself. And yet, it is completely logical: in a world where everyone is telling me how to be, can there be just one person, just one, who sees me and appreciates me as I am right now? That desire to be affirmed by someone else, to be approved by someone else, to be seen by someone else -- that is especially strong when a teenager and just beginning to understand who we are. That desire causes us to attach to someone else with more glue than is good for us.

 

We need to learn to rely on ourselves for affirmation. Nobody else can make us believe in ourselves. We have to do that.

 

(4) Biology. Seriously.

Hormones are powerful, and are plentiful and new to the body's teenaged biology. Hormones have a big impact on emotional health, sometimes they make our feelings erratic, intense, and dramatic, when otherwise they would be more moderate. Hormones affect everyone in different ways; this emotional impact happens to adults too. Your body may be making things feel more intense; know that it will get better. Hormonal impacts are made worse when we eat lots of sugar and caffeine, so when you do start eating again, stick to proteins, vegetables, and whole grains, and that may help.

 

Please please please have faith. You WILL get through this.

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Thank you! That youtube video really helped.

 

I don't see a youtube video in the thread?

 

OP. Take a breath. There is a saying: Do you control your mind or does your mind control you?

 

Its okay if reading is difficult. When we are "flooded" with emotion, the brain produces chemicals that block out new information until we absorb what we have. That is why sometimes people get medical assistance, to help process during this overwhelming period.

 

Come back read as you feel up to it. Meanwhile, minimize contact with your ex for now, and maximize contact with people who love and support you as an individual. Go outside as often as possible, and walk, run, play on a jungle gym. Activity and being outdoors both are helpful (and medically proven to be so).

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