Jump to content

Bf following naked instagram models


sensitivegirl0
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

I have been dating a guy (28 years old) for 3 months, he asked me to be his gf recently. He is treating me very well but he constantly follows new naked insta models. These girls are people that he cant meet obviously but the problem is I find the fact that he is following and constantly seeking out naked woman very disrespectful.

 

Also, the fact that he told me he will only have eyes for me and I will see with time that I can trust him, but despite saying these, him following these accounts doesnt look good to me at all.

 

 

I am conflicted.

 

On one side:

 

- I know that guys and girls can look at other people and find otehrs attractive while in relationship too. I follows celebrities and footballers that I find attractive. But I wouldnt follow D... pictures on social media especially when I was in a relationship. It would be disrespectful to my bf and I am sure he would be worried if he saw my social media activity following bunch of accounts with d... pics. I find him following naked insta models on insta totally disrespectful. And He appears as a thirsty guy in my eyes now, who is constantly seeking out naked woman (but again I dont know if this is normal for men).

 

- Indeed, before meeting him i've always wondered how my friends or other girls put up with such disrespectful treatment. I always told myself I would never be with someone who disrespects me like that. (Plz correct me if I am being so harsh).

 

- So, since it has been only 3 months, I am considering to end the relationship by saying something like "we are not compatible" and continue dating and choose to be with someone who wont do that. Because I think that if I try to talk to him about his social media activity, I might appear as a controling person. Also, I dont want to tell him what to do. If he is happy following these women, he should. I shouldnt be preventing him. It shouldnt be a forced decison, it should come naturally from him. Perhaps he is not done exploring?

 

 

On the other hand:

 

- I am thinking about keeping it very simple and telling him: "I know its normal for both man and woman to look at other man and woman and find others attractive but following these accounts and constantly seeking out naked woman is disrespectful." I will also tell him that I always told myself I would never put up with such activity in a relationship and see what he will say and take it from there.

 

--

 

I dont know which option is better. I feel that this relationship has a potential if we could get past the insta issue.

 

Also, the reason why I posted here is, I want to get more opinions. Perhaps, I am overreacting and being overly jealous?

 

Perhaps I should change the way I think about the whole thing? For instance, some people might say he is a men and men are visual, so if he is loving and caring and making me feel beautiful, loved etc, I shouldnt worry about social media. But on the other hand, his social media activity is not making me feel respected.

 

Also is it really healthy to lust over others when in a relationship with someone you claim you care about?

 

I would appreciate your opinions, what should I do?

Edited by sensitivegirl0
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like a clash of values to me, and it also sounds like you are trying to rationalize the incompatibility rather than acknowledge that it is a big deal to you and therefore a deal breaker. From my experience, if you communicate your boundary on this, most guys will just go underground with their viewing habits, they don't share your value so they don't see it as something they should have to stop doing. You will hear from all corners that his is what most men are like, that its not cheating so don't make a big deal out of it, etc. But none of this is going to make you feel very good about being in a relationship with a guy who doesn't share you values on this as being disrespectful. Ask yourself, will you come to feel he disrespects you and women in general? How will that impact the health of our relationship down the road? Will resentments grow? Trust ? Will it affect the sexual well being of your relationship? These are high intensity impacts for a relationship to endure in the long run.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just end it.

 

If he wants to look at pretty things on IG, he should do that. If you don’t want to date someone who looks at pretty things on IG, don’t date them.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but if this is something that gets to you this is just so not the dude for you.

 

You’ll find someone more on your plane.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have to agree it does come down to a clash of values and you may be happier to seek out other men who don't publicly follow models and porn stars. My partner does this and the first few years we were dating I didn't really care or notice but it has become a problem for me and makes me feel an array of emotion. Some of them are my own insecurities sure but I wish he would be more discreet with looking at women...go on their page look and delete the history! Why must you follow them etc. It is a bit much and as you say most men would be put off by their girlfriend following pages of naked men

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I mean, unless he's messaging the girls, isn't it the equivalent of viewing porn? I don't know what your policy on porn is, but watching it and masturbation in general seems normal to me.

 

I don't know if following those accounts constitutes as "lusting" after the women, and the fact that it is public likely means he didn't even consider that this would bother you.

 

If it really bothers you, talk to him in a reasonable manner before dumping him. The conversation may lead to a breakup, which is also fine, but you could give the guy the chance to say his peace. I think you should be aware, though, that even if he agrees to not follow the women that most of the profiles that men follow on Instagram of half-naked women are public. Oh, and he definitely watches porn, so it really won't change anything at all. The fact that you say you want him to hide the behavior from you strikes me as weird. Don't you want to know who your partner is and that they are being honest with you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have to agree it does come down to a clash of values and you may be happier to seek out other men who don't publicly follow models and porn stars. My partner does this and the first few years we were dating I didn't really care or notice but it has become a problem for me and makes me feel an array of emotion. Some of them are my own insecurities sure but I wish he would be more discreet with looking at women...go on their page look and delete the history! Why must you follow them etc. It is a bit much and as you say most men would be put off by their girlfriend following pages of naked men

 

Doesnt it effect your relationship? Do you trust your partner? Or dont you feel disrespected?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do trust him I think it just tugs at my insecurities and I rather he do it completely privately. I don't think it's nessacary as I said to have it all out in the open.

 

Yes people view porn. Yes people have fantasies.. Yes it's normal. But it's just something I'm cool with not being right in my face!!! Keeping your porn under wraps is not keeping secrets to me it's just normal. I view porn.. On my ingonito browser page. I don't keep. That stuff on my social media and I know my partner wouldn't like it if I did.

 

I guess I do feel disrespected in a way but at the end of the day I try to push these feelings aside bc like I said I do trust him and I want to be realistic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you want to change his behavior to something you would prefer.

 

That never works out well.

 

Thats the thing. I do not want to change his behaviour. That is why I rather just break up with him. But again, does it worth breaking up over something like this? As others said its about clash of values and as LDJ said I need to consider the long term effects on the relationship.

 

Since it has been only 3 months, it is better to cut it off now then later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not all men follow Instagram 'models' , so there's that. If you don't care for it, pass. This is early stages where you decide if you can see yourself with the person AS IS.

Honestly, it's not that big a deal to not like this. I have never seriously dated a man who was into this sort of social media following of 'models' or publicity profiles etc. There are plenty of men out there where this isn't something they spend their time doing.

 

Different ways of looking at it. I don't see it as porn. To me, it's closer to collecting cards of strippers. Just a turn off and kinda.. sad. To each their own, as they say! Point is, don't feel bad because you aren't 'cool' with this - who cares if some people don't see it that way.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats the thing. I do not want to change his behaviour. That is why I rather just break up with him. But again, does it worth breaking up over something like this? As others said its about clash of values and as LDJ said I need to consider the long term effects on the relationship.

 

Since it has been only 3 months, it is better to cut it off now then later.

 

That is, unfortunately, the best call - if its a deal breaker.

 

Some couples watch porn together to spice up their sex life. Some don't. There is no right or wrong here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would find it crass that he's doing it in such a public way. I assume that his other social media contacts can also see who he's following and so on.

 

I really don't care if a man is viewing porn or browsing naked ladies discreetly. I would simply find it low-brow for a grown man to be doing so on social media for all to see. Would I tell him to stop? No. He can do what he wants. But I would reevaluate if this is the man for me; I appreciate a guy with more discretion and maturity.

 

How old is he, OP?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agree with everyone to just end it. You two are in fact incompatible and have clashing values not to mention 3 mos fraught with multiple worries and difficulties. You'll feel much freer and happier.

 

This is an insightful and good approach. Do not bother explaining, acting jealous or admitting to stalking his social media constantly. Just depart with dignity.

since it has been only 3 months, I am considering to end the relationship by saying something like "we are not compatible" I think that if I try to talk to him about his social media activity, I might appear as a controling person.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not all men follow Instagram 'models' , so there's that. If you don't care for it, pass. This is early stages where you decide if you can see yourself with the person AS IS.

Honestly, it's not that big a deal to not like this. I have never seriously dated a man who was into this sort of social media following of 'models' or publicity profiles etc. There are plenty of men out there where this isn't something they spend their time doing.

 

Different ways of looking at it. I don't see it as porn. To me, it's closer to collecting cards of strippers. Just a turn off and kinda.. sad. To each their own, as they say! Point is, don't feel bad because you aren't 'cool' with this - who cares if some people don't see it that way.

 

It's not really the same as strippers and strip club behavior because he is just viewing photos. I'm struggling to understand why him following Instagram "models" is different separate from the public nature, but I do agree that I've dated plenty of men that don't do so and it would likely be easy to find someone who doesn't.

 

OP, the only comment you didn't acknowledge was mine (the one that did not necessarily suggest breaking up was the correct move) so you must really just want to end things. At the end of the day, if you don't want to be with a person, any reason is "good enough". Saying your incompatible is a good breakip line. Go NC after and don't jerk the guy around if you have doubts about it at a later date.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is, unfortunately, the best call - if its a deal breaker.

 

Some couples watch porn together to spice up their sex life. Some don't. There is no right or wrong here.

 

We are not even having sex yet, because I dont feel ready.

 

I wouldnt mind if we were wathing porn together thats a different story.

 

But looks like I will just end. Thanks anyways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not really the same as strippers and strip club behavior because he is just viewing photos. I'm struggling to understand why him following Instagram "models" is different separate from the public nature, but I do agree that I've dated plenty of men that don't do so and it would likely be easy to find someone who doesn't.

 

OP, the only comment you didn't acknowledge was mine (the one that did not necessarily suggest breaking up was the correct move) so you must really just want to end things. At the end of the day, if you don't want to be with a person, any reason is "good enough". Saying your incompatible is a good breakip line. Go NC after and don't jerk the guy around if you have doubts about it at a later date.

 

The fact that you say you want him to hide the behavior from you strikes me as weird. Don't you want to know who your partner is and that they are being honest with you?

 

 

I want someoenw who respects me enough to hide this behaviour ofcourse. I am not saying he should go on and cheat on me. But I would love to be with someone who cares enough to hide tis activity. I already know that men loves looking at naked woman. But I dont need to see that, especially when we are away during the weekdays, him texting me how much he misses me, cares about me etc but then following naked woman. It doesnt feel right to me.

 

I dont want to break up with him at all. I am quite upset that I will have to end things tbh. I am also feelng upset bcz I am planing to end things whie he is planing a holiday together for us soon. I just wish he was mature and sensitive enough to not do such thing so we could continue our reltaionship happily (on my side, bcz I know he is happy already).

Edited by sensitivegirl0
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would find it crass that he's doing it in such a public way. I assume that his other social media contacts can also see who he's following and so on.

 

I really don't care if a man is viewing porn or browsing naked ladies discreetly. I would simply find it low-brow for a grown man to be doing so on social media for all to see. Would I tell him to stop? No. He can do what he wants. But I would reevaluate if this is the man for me; I appreciate a guy with more discretion and maturity.

 

How old is he, OP?

 

Agree with everything you said.

 

He is 28.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dont want to break up with him at all. I am quite upset that I will have to end things tbh. I am also feelng upset bcz I am planing to end things whie he is planing a holiday together for us soon. I just wish he was mature and sensitive enough to not do such thing so we could continue our reltaionship happily

 

This is why I suggested having a singular conversation where you expressed how you felt before ending the relationship without explanation. I understand that you are worried about being controlling, but I have a feeling you're going to regret not addressing the issue with him before ending it. You always have the option of ending it if he acts like your feelings about this (probably) unimportant behavior to him don't matter, but a lot of guys would be just fine with unfollowing the porn-y Instagram accounts to be with a real girl that they really like.

 

However, I've never met your boyfriend and he could be a shady guy not worth dating. I just wouldn't presume it based on this piece of information. Props for being willing to make hard choices so you can be happy, though. Usually on enotalone it is mostly people who cling and cling even when it is clearly toxic or over.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This would and has been a deal breaker for me in relationships. The way I see it is, if a guy is into ty girls like that. Then he is not the one for me and I’m definitely not the one for him. I do not agree that it is he same as porn at all either. Not only is it on a public forum, but it is constantly in your face, all day. I’m 28 and sad to say but I go on Instagram multiple times a day, without even thinking of it, and just scroll. And most people that age and younger do. Meaning he is viewing these types of scantily clad women mostly likely numerous times a day. I cannot fathom how this constant exposure to sexualized images can not alter someone’s sexuality or desensitize them to it in some way. Also the amount of photoshopping and plastic surgery these women get to look that way is absurd! Not to mention that most of these women work out for a living. What normal, every day woman can measure up to these standards? I understand it’s almost equivalent to runway models, but the amount of exposure and number of these extremely photoshopped “models” makes it so that men actually believe that these women are just everywhere... and they are not. I would find a guy that does not subscribe to these totally unattainable standards of “beauty”.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree. In reading your post, it’s very clear that this is something that bothers you a lot. I don’t think any amount of other people telling you it’s ok would change that for you... and really, as others have pointed out, there are plenty of guys that don’t do this. I think you are simply incompatible.

 

Personally, though - just my own pet peeve - I really hate it when people break up without an explanation (ie: “we just aren’t compatible”). It’s not helpful? I’m not saying that he should change his behavior for you - but if the next 3,4 or 5 women break up with him for the same reason - maybe it’s something he’ll want to self-reflect about, yanno? That he’s attracted to a certain type of woman with strong boundaries but is doing something to put them off? Maybe it won’t be a problem for him again - but maybe it will. You are depriving him of this information, IMO.

 

I would go with option «C» (your two options were to either break up without explanation or tell him why you are upset and give him a chance). I would simply say that you’ve thought a lot about his insta followings and it’s really something that bothers you to the core. It’s not something that you want to think about or deal with - and there are probably plenty of people that would be ok with that - so you are just going to call it «incompatible» and move on. He may try to argue the point - but just stick to your guns, be true to yourself and move on.

 

... but I’d tell him, personally... but only because there’s nothing I hate more than forever wondering...

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would find it crass that he's doing it in such a public way. I assume that his other social media contacts can also see who he's following and so on.

 

I really don't care if a man is viewing porn or browsing naked ladies discreetly. I would simply find it low-brow for a grown man to be doing so on social media for all to see. Would I tell him to stop? No. He can do what he wants. But I would reevaluate if this is the man for me; I appreciate a guy with more discretion and maturity.

 

How old is he, OP?

 

I completely agree with this. He can do what he wants but he should do it discreetly. Have a little respect. Let's be realistic. I believe that the majority of men enjoy seeing naked females but, but seriously, don't be so blatant about it. I, personally, would feel like you do. He sounds like he is obsessive. IMHO, I think he's being disrespectful towards you. It also sounds to me that he needs to grow up and consider other people's feelings. I wonder if he is trying to upset you or just doesn't care. Remember, if it bothers you, then enough said. You don't need this stress. In any case, I would get out of this relationship. Three months is not a long time. I wouldn't bother explaining anything. Leave and do yourself a favour.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You said you it wouldn't bother you so much if it was something he did discretely.

It's the `in your face' part that you seem to get hung up on. That you being aware feels disrespectful

 

What if you found out, by having a conversation with him that he had no idea you knew?

Maybe it would make a difference.

Maybe it would not.

But you'll never know unless you speak up about it.

 

3 months in and telling someone your values and judging their reaction is a great learning experience.

Running away is not.

 

Besides, he may surprise you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I completely agree with this. He can do what he wants but he should do it discreetly. Have a little respect. Let's be realistic. I believe that the majority of men enjoy seeing naked females but, but seriously, don't be so blatant about it. I, personally, would feel like you do. He sounds like he is obsessive. IMHO, I think he's being disrespectful towards you. It also sounds to me that he needs to grow up and consider other people's feelings. I wonder if he is trying to upset you or just doesn't care. Remember, if it bothers you, then enough said. You don't need this stress. In any case, I would get out of this relationship. Three months is not a long time. I wouldn't bother explaining anything. Leave and do yourself a favour.

 

He always tells me that he wouldnt do anything to upset me. But clearly he is not aware that what he is doing is disrespectful and upsetting me. Men can say anything to a woman but its their actions which matters. I am not sure now if I should talk or not say anyting and leave with dignity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...