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What is wrong with being single anyway?


shineyboot
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I have spent far too much time and energy thinking about men I've dated and it seems to me I'm better off just investing my own self development.

 

I don't have to date and I don't want to. It is such a shame that some people think being single is a terrible thing. When I read all the posts on here and all the misery and confusion because of the lack of communication, hidden agendas, fear of being played/dumped, it doesn't seem worth it.

 

Then when you get confused you reach out for help, advice and get everyone's advice which can be great but also is tinted by their own experiences. It can lead to more confusion and a feeling sometimes that you were 'wrong' or 'messed it up'. Sad when two people can't talk to one another honestly and people have to ask strangers on forums for advice.

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I should point out that I this colleague wanted to keep seeing me. I choose to cut him free because I didn't like the flakeness involved. It is not easy making these decisions and just because I am the one decided to let go, doesn't mean that I suffer the loss on some level.

 

It takes a lot of strength to walk away.

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It may be best to consider that facts and data rather than old myths about "people think being single is a terrible thing".

 

"There are more single adults living, working, and yes, still breathing, in the United States than ever before in history. In 2017, the U.S. census reported 110.6 million unmarried people over the age of 18—that’s 45.2 percent of the American adult population—carrying out their lives to a new set of societal norms. Are unmarried Americans doomed, or onto something truly exciting?

 

To previous generations, America’s single population might be seen as outrageous. In 1960, 72 percent of adults were married. Among today’s growing single population, 63 percent have never been married, 23 percent are divorced, and 13 percent are widowed. Of that staggering single population, the majority of which are living independently of their own accord, 53 percent of singles are women. Is this influx of single women desperately dating away, in a race against time against their biological clocks? Quite the opposite: they’re healthier than ever before. A 2017 study published in the Journal of Women’s Health found that single women had lower BMIs, waist sizes, and risk associated with smoking and alcohol than their married counterparts."

 

Read up on it: More Americans Are Single Than Ever Before—And They’re Healthier, Too

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I should point out that I this colleague wanted to keep seeing me. I choose to cut him free because I didn't like the flakeness involved. It is not easy making these decisions and just because I am the one decided to let go, doesn't mean that I suffer the loss on some level.

 

It takes a lot of strength to walk away.

 

Technically you did shiny but the reality that keeps being pointed out to you is you did it to get a reaction and when that didn’t work you were ‘forced’to come here for advice. It does indeed take a lot of strength to walk away but choosing to stop interacting with a dude who isn’t valuing you or your time is only hard if somethings missing within you.

 

No judgement been there done that got the T-shirt. I think your mindset right now about singledom is true, it just seems you need some time to truly believe it.

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Nothing is wrong with being single, like you, I have noticed (in general) people tend to complain and act like its the worst thing ever. I was in a serious, 3 year relationship when I was in college and it ended. So I have been single for some time now. Only thing I really miss is the sex, that's about it.

 

I think people in general just suck, so many liars and thieves out there looking to take advantage of others. You're better off focusing on self-development and when you achieve your biggest goals, then perhaps look for someone. Just understand that looking for someone involves a lot of disappointment and annoyances.

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Thanks.

 

I think it is time to get off the site and get on with my life. Thanks for all the advice.

 

I didn't do it for a reaction, I don't understand that.

 

I come on this site because I don't talk to anyone about my private life, I say nothing and tell no body anything. I am not an attention seeking person. I didn't do it for a reaction I just wanted something to end that was painful to me.

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Thanks.

 

I think it is time to get off the site and get on with my life. Thanks for all the advice.

 

I didn't do it for a reaction, I don't understand that.

I come on this site because I don't talk to anyone about my private life, I say nothing and tell no body anything. I am not an attention seeking person. I didn't do it for a reaction I just wanted something to end that was painful to me.

 

You do shiny.

 

I don’t know why those last two posts were closed but it was only a few days ago, memory is still pretty darn fresh that you ‘broke up’ via text then ‘broke up’ again and we’re upset he didn’t respond to your ‘breaking up’ It wasn’t a clean breakup and neither was the one before him. You’ve been rebounding and jumping from man to men so even though you believe you have a sensitivity disorder which you might, Im not Dr. But your hurt right now is easily explained by your actions. All rebounding does is compound the pain. So when the rebound ends all that pain just floods in. That can take out even the strongest individual.

 

That’s why I said while I completely agree with what you’re saying I don’t know that you truly believe it quite yet. I agree no one forced you to ask for advice I was merely responding to your posts. Particularly post 2 where you mention you wouldn’t have to ask strangers if you two could have just communicated. Which honestly I agree with, but you broke up with this guy via text... so it’s kinda the pot calling the kettle black ya know?

 

You’re going through a lot of emotions right now, and that’s ok, that’s normal, allow yourself to go through it naturally, be angry sad hurt frustrated but also keep your feet on the ground. This diagnosis stuff you’re doing, to me, has the potential to do a lot of damage. Mainly because it’s typically a way to excuse away bad choices. You chose to rebound, you chose to date before you were emotionally prepared, the consequence of it is unfortunately this

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Thank you.

 

There was almost a year between the last break up and this dating experience (it wasn't a relationship it was five dates). I admit I couldn't cope with the flakiness, I don't think I would if it were 2 or 3 years gap of being single. I can't deal with flakiness full stop and I think that this is okay.

 

I didn't know how to tell him he was flakey and upsetting me. I suppose sensible people just let it fade.

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Yeah there's nothing wrong being single. I've been single (but dating and having short lived relationships) for a few years and was feeling low because I was needy and had ingrained in my brain that I needed to be with someone.

 

At this point I still want an actual long term relationship but what changed in me and that made it easier is to realise that while I want a relationship, it has to be the right one with the right person. I don't feel "desperate" anymore. I analyse and if it's not going where I want, I leave and don't lose my time anymore. No hard feelings, no drama.

 

Being in a perpetual state of rebounding (like I was for a while) is not healthy because we base our dating decisions on a lack, a neediness that not only is sensed by the people we date but also makes us welcome people into out lives that are not the best for us.

 

Find out what is lacking and why it's lacking and tell yourself that no man can fulfil that lack. That's something you have to resolve within your self. If you need to take a break from dating to collect thoughts, so be it.

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Yes I want long term, and QUALITY.

 

It was five dates, not really a waste of my time in the long view. I wanted to find out if he was relationship material and I did, better than wondering if he would be suitable,.. now I know.

 

I have a full life. I don't rebound. I try out people for a few drinks that isn't rebounding. Rebounding is getting into a relationship blindly.

 

I think it is good that I found out, yes disappointing but I can get over that.

 

Thanks for the advice.

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Being single for positive reasons just like being married for positive reason is great. Being single because of negativity or generalizations about who you are trying to date doesn’t seem so great. I knew from an early age I wanted marriage and a family. I also had a fun fulfilling life for the most part when I was single. I never would have put all the time and energy into dating that I did for many years had marriage and family not been my goal. Also I had mostly positive experiences meeting people and dating and my negativity lasted very short periods of time. I also had male friends for many years. And I was “good” at dating - thick skin, mostly not feeling desperate (but yes I went through that too). I’ve never encouraged anyone to get married or committed if they are happy being single. Makes no sense to me. Also I felt fewer being married than single so I personally don’t relate to the whole “freedom “ part of being single. I do relate to feeling trapped sometimes as a parent since I can’t jist leave or take space given parenting responsibilities.

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Shiny you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

 

You were having a hard time with a previous boyfriend, you were writing about him as late as November of 2018 with the whole Facebook thing. while writing about him, you mentioned the amazingness of a new guy you were dating.

 

That type of language screams rebound.

 

That guy back in November was either coworker guy or a different guy. I’m assuming coworker guy given the timelines so even though you now say it was just a few dates, which I fully believe, back then he was the absolute greatest thing since sliced bread. Another huge sign he was there as an emotional replacement. The issue with doing that though is you got chipped away and instead of putting yourself back together you jumped to this new guy, possibly because your ex started dating someone and you got chipped away even more.

 

You mentioned that dating was hard because you had low expectations, was anxious and weapy among other things.

 

That screams you were not prepared to date.

 

Again it is quite possible you have a sensitivity disorder or some sort, but I think the most logical conclusion though is that you aren’t taking care of yourself shiny.

 

You are worth having a happy and healthy relationship, you are fully capable of having a healthy and happy relationship

 

Giving up because you can’t handle it is a cop out. I’m sorry but it is. Work on your short comings and you can and will date more securely and confidently. I promise you, it can happen.

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There is nothing wrong with being single just as there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a good relationship, be in love and want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

 

The finality in your words trouble me. The last guy didn't live up to your expectations so you took it personally and lashed out and now you seem to be taking a negative view of this site because you are not hearing what you want to hear.

 

I agree you should stay single for a while before being open to meeting someone but the all or nothing mind set you have is detrimental to your happiness.

 

I have a simple question for you. Please take a moment and think about your answer and give us a brutally honest answer.

 

Have you ever been content with anything in your life?

 

Lost

 

PS I noticed you had your other thread closed. I am curious why.

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There is nothing at all with being single, there are plenty of people that choose to be single for various reasons. Whether you choose to be date or single, the key to satisfaction and fulfillment is the "choosing"... doing so with a sense of empowerment and ownership vs. being a victim of life circumstances.

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Yes I want long term, and QUALITY.

 

It was five dates, not really a waste of my time in the long view. I wanted to find out if he was relationship material and I did, better than wondering if he would be suitable,.. now I know.

 

I have a full life. I don't rebound. I try out people for a few drinks that isn't rebounding. Rebounding is getting into a relationship blindly.

 

I think it is good that I found out, yes disappointing but I can get over that.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

When I used the term "rebounding", I wasn't even talking in entering in relationships, but jumping from dating situation to dating situation without resolving past issues.

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Yes thanks for the advice.

 

I don't think I really meant single v in a relationship or dating I meant I had decided I don't anymore flakey arrangements etc. I would like a meaningful connection where I feel like I'm listened to etc. or not at all.

 

I am not dating at the moment and haven't been for two months. I'm generally happy with my life but do spend too much time thinking about the past and why it didn't work. I only do that on here btw, most of the time I am getting on with my life quite well.

 

I think most of us have sort of old wounds, I do my best.

 

Yes he was the 'best thing since sliced bread' in my eyes, this is why it sucked so much. He was great in many ways, just not relationship material. Sometimes the most exciting interesting people we date don't make good relationship material.

 

The work guy just happened and was supposed to be in my mind, someone to have a drink with to get me out again. I got all caught up in it, said I wouldn't but I thought he was amazing at the start! I didn't invest that much time etc. it was more in my head.

 

Anyway I was soon down to earth with a bang and I'm dealing with that.

 

I don't date much at all so it didn't help that he was the only thing going on for me. I don't go out much due to my work, I work unsocial times - weekends and evenings which gives me a challenge in meeting people. I am a bit lonely I suppose.

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If I may, I suggest choosing an interest to pursue in your off-work hours. Study a language, or pursue an athletic goal, or something expressive in a different way such as music or visual arts.

 

It is easy to use dating/men/relationships as a place to invest our energy, like a hobby or a distraction, even when we don't mean to do that. We just need something else to think about.

 

Diving into your own interest and challenging yourself to develop it further will help you define, further invest in and value your own path. And it may give you low stress social interaction as well.

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there is nothign wrong with being single. AT ALL.

Just ask the 5 out of every 10 married couples who divorce if they feel there is anything wrong with being single or how they would feel if they coudl go back and decide to be single or married/divorced again. :)

 

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with being single. EVER!

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I've been both single for a considerable amount of time, I've been in relationships as well as married for 18 years.

 

I can honestly say I enjoyed being single. My life was full. I have a lot of single friends and being unaccountable to anyone and not having to constantly compromise definitely has it's perks.

 

I think society has conditioned us to think unless we are paired up, there must be something wrong.

But I think those times are changing and with more divorces and people waiting to even later consider marriage, the statistics prove there are more single individuals than ever before.

 

My youngest son just got married. My oldest at 32 is likely to never. He has a great life, very social and is a world traveler. He has found relationships (for him) confining and they limit his ability to go as he pleases. He was almost apologetic trying to explain this me. I told him there was nothing wrong with it and he should follow his heart. And if he remains single, then I support it.

 

I just think where ever you are in life, you are meant to enjoy it. I don't understand why people who choose to be miserable during the time that are not paired up - As if their life and happiness depends on it. I just don't get it

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Not only is there nothing 'wrong' with being single, it's smart to take a breather from dating now and then--and for as long as it takes to feel grounded and happy with yourself solo. THAT is the only good platform from which to date, because it permits your motives and good sense to drive better choices--even while mistakes of different kinds will continue to teach you more skills. That's growth.

 

Dating is a process of screening OUT bad matches, as there will always be far more of those than potential good ones. Emotional dating has its own set of drivers that prompt people to overlook red flags and latch onto bad matches in the hope of turning them into good ones, somehow. That doesn't work, and it can do something awful to your head.

 

As for posting to a forum, I can only tell you how helpful it would have been for me to have such a place for questioning when I was younger. I had no rudder, no common sense and no private inputs beyond trashy magazines and books that were focused on teaching women how to satisfy men rather than learning how to become satisfied with one's Self, first.

 

I've been single my whole life, and today I'm proudly so. I've had wonderful relationships that served their purpose at the time, but I outgrew them and really could have used some of the advice found here in order to lean how to get out of those with my Self in tact rather than suffering the depression of staying with wrong matches for far too long. In one case I was even stalked, kidnapped and help hostage until I'd take back the breakup, and I didn't recognize that abuse for what it was. I didn't know how to get help and protection. I didn't know that it was perfectly 'normal' to walk away from a bad relationship without retaliation--and I didn't know how dangerous a position I was in, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it.

 

You sound as though you're fighting shame and feeling defensive about blame. What if both of those are just a waste of time? I don't say this to invalidate your feelings, but rather to support you in recognizing that dating and relationships are a minefield for everyone--and bad matches are not a reflection on you. Your ability to navigate beyond bad matches and allowing those to pass early is a skill that isn't taught by parents or classrooms--we each need to learn this stuff by trial an error.

 

And it's OKAY to make errors, those are learning devices. We can choose how we'll respond to our inevitable mistakes: will we use those as don't-models that help us grow stronger and more confident as we move forward, or will we beat ourselves up with them, adopt fear as our driver, and view ourselves as damaged through a damaged lens?

 

We each get to decide how we will use our experiences: either to grow or to stunt our own growth. That's not a choice anyone else can make for us. It's a decision.

 

Head high.

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