Tickets to the crazy train

[reinventmyself]

After all you did ask him why he wanted to come over an instead of responding he decided to just help himself into your home in the middle of the night.

 

I edited and added this to my last response.

 

Hang in there.

[Batya33]

So I guess my impulsive reaction was "jerk" because to me you don't block someone on Facebook like that without warning - why would you want the person to find out by surprise if you were a mature, reasonable person? It's not like he had to for safety reasons or because she was harassing him, etc. She did nothing wrong -he was just disappointed/upset that she didn't let him into her home in that situation. I don't think he handled those feelings in a mature way.

[reinventmyself]

I had a minor disagreement with friend several years ago. She chose to (impulsively, I think) de-friend and block me on FB over it.

Sorry, but the disagreement didn't warrant that and through another friend she wonders why I haven't attempted to reach out. Huh?

For me, there isn't any coming back from doing something that childish and dramatic. This just isn't the type of friend I need in my life.

 

Was I disappointed? Yes. Very much so. But my feelings on how it played out in the end haven't changed.

[j.man]

Honestly, I'd be like... a quarter tempted to consider giving him a pass after he had shown up in the middle of the night uninvited, banging on your door, shaking the knob trying to open it, and even for his overreaction afterward if a few days later he'd realized he was a genuine buffoon and apologized. Rather, he doubles down and blocks you? Ooooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you FIO because you're hurt. I find it helpful to throw some practicality into my emotional events to check them. In this case, play out in your mind how, exactly, you would hope for this relationship to end. Maybe some bittersweet parting when one of you finds another lover and wants to get serious with them?

 

Well, first consider how many sane people with reasonable self esteem would want to involve themselves with anyone who's still hanging our with their FWB, whether that stands for 'with' or 'without' benefits. So that limits YOUR potential dating pool and leaves you in some juvenile limbo where your old business keeps you stunted and focused instead on the kind of adolescent dramas you could just ... quit.

 

Rather than analyze who's right or wrong in this scenario, consider instead WHAT is right for YOU to do. Cater to the entitlement of some guy who's not going to give you what you want and deserve, or 'next' him, and move your focus forward onto learning how your future can open up and move you onto higher ground with friends and potential lovers who value the person you will liberate yourself to become.

 

Head high, and don't dwell too long or hard on the wrong road to be traveling in the first place.

[figureitout23]

My heart goes out to you FIO because you're hurt. I find it helpful to throw some practicality into my emotional events to check them. In this case, play out in your mind how, exactly, you would hope for this relationship to end. Maybe some bittersweet parting when one of you finds another lover and wants to get serious with them?

 

Well, first consider how many sane people with reasonable self esteem would want to involve themselves with anyone who's still hanging our with their FWB, whether that stands for 'with' or 'without' benefits. So that limits YOUR potential dating pool and leaves you in some juvenile limbo where your old business keeps you stunted and focused instead on the kind of adolescent dramas you could just ... quit.

 

Rather than analyze who's right or wrong in this scenario, consider instead WHAT is right for YOU to do. Cater to the entitlement of some guy who's not going to give you what you want and deserve, or 'next' him, and move your focus forward onto learning how your future can open up and move you onto higher ground with friends and potential lovers who value the person you will liberate yourself to become.

 

Head high, and don't dwell too long or hard on the wrong road to be traveling in the first place.

 

Thank you Cat

 

I never thought about the friendship ending because, well, I dont see my friendships having an end. But I think I always knew it would change over time and that Id struggle with that.

 

I had multiple dating experience since him, if he is introduced, which honestly only happened once, he was introduced as a friend, hes actually given me dating advice a few times. Again, my emotional ties to him aren't romantic. Its possible though that maybe deep down his being in my life hindered dating, I cant say for sure, I think only time will tell.

 

Im definitely going to attempt to not analyze this anymore. I know I am not wrong for having basic boundaries, so reaching this point of clarity leaves me in peace.

 

I am going to try very hard not to dwell, I will move forward, one day at a time.

[katrina1980]

Fair enough FIO but just to clarify.

 

I don't think he's so much hurt that you did not let him in.

 

Under the circumstances (he's drunk, late at night) you were justified, you have boundaries and you were exercising one of them.

 

What I think hurt him, and jmo without knowing him (and hearing his side which you've acknowledged on other threads is important to get the full picture) was the way in which you did not let him in.

 

By screaming out "go away!" forgetting that he was (at the time anyway) a good friend.

 

Had you calmly spoken with him through the door and told him it was late, he's drunk, and you don't feel comfortable letting him in and asking him if everything was okay (was he ill or something?) , again jmo but I don't think he would have been quite as hurt.

 

I could be wrong!

 

I wasn't there, and obviously you know him better than I, I'm simply playing devils advocate and trying to understand what he may have been feeling at that moment. Even while I acknowledge the way he behaved that night and perhaps even now was/is wrong and jerky!

 

So that you can both reach a place of peace and understanding and move on from this friendship with a semblance of positive feelings.

 

Versus feeling bitter and negative which eats you away and serves no good purpose. Especially in light of the fact you're part of the same social circle.

 

Anyway, peace and love and i'm sorry this happened and you're hurt. :)

[mustlovedogs]

Fair enough FIO but just to clarify.

 

I don't think he's so much hurt that you did not let him in.

 

Under the circumstances (he's drunk, late at night) you were justified, you have boundaries and you were exercising one of them.

 

What I think hurt him, and jmo without knowing him (and hearing his side which you've acknowledged on other threads is important to get the full picture) was the way in which you did not let him in.

 

By screaming out "go away!" forgetting that he was (at the time anyway) a good friend.

 

Had you calmly spoken with him through the door and told him it was late, he's drunk, and you don't feel comfortable letting him in and asking him if everything was okay (was he ill or something?) , again jmo but I don't think he would have been quite as hurt.

 

I could be wrong!

 

I wasn't there, and obviously you know him better than I, I'm simply playing devils advocate and trying to understand what he may have been feeling at that moment. Even while I acknowledge the way he behaved that night and perhaps even now was/is wrong and jerky!

 

So that you can both reach a place of peace and understanding and move on from this friendship with a semblance of positive feelings.

 

Versus feeling bitter and negative which eats you away and serves no good purpose. Especially in light of the fact you're part of the same social circle.

 

Anyway, peace and love and i'm sorry this happened and you're hurt. :)

 

I agree with this. You were justified, but he’s allowed to be hurt too.

 

And, FWIW, anyone can block anyone - for anything. We say on this forum all the time that relationships are optional. Same goes for friendships. He can terminate over whatever he wants.

 

I think both of you are hurt. And both of you have reasons to be hurt.

[katrina1980]

 

I think both of you are hurt. And both of you have reasons to be hurt.

 

Totally agree.

 

Hopefully when things calm down you will have an opp to talk.

 

You can say your peace and he can say his.

 

Reach an understanding and both be at peace with this.

 

Hope so anyway!

[katrina1980]

With every action there is a reaction, and then a reaction to that reaction, lather, rinse, repeat.

 

His poor actions that night (banging on door drunk) caused a negative reaction from you (go away!) in his eyes, in turn caused a negative reaction from him (blocking you) in your eyes, now a reaction from you (hurt that he blocked you).

 

Again, I hope soon you will have an opp to talk!

[figureitout23]

I hear the both of you.

 

I guess I’m not looking at it as hurt feelings but rather hurt ego. but I think I’ve said this before, I at times have a hard time recognizing or believing my actions can hurt others. It’s not self centered I promise it’s formed from years of low self esteem, I assume without really thinking that my actions are easily brushed off by people because their level of care is so low. Again not victimizing myself, it took a counselor to point it out to me because I honestly don’t easily see it.

 

You guys have given me food for though.

 

As of right now I think I’m going to focus on letting everything go and whatever naturally happens, happens. I can see my actions as hurtful, but I still see his as problematic.

 

Thanks guys.

[katrina1980]

I agree with this^! :)

 

Often times doing nothing is the best approach.

 

May sound hokey, but somehow allowing the Universe to guide the way always leads to a positive place.

 

Even if that place is the end of a good friendship or relationship, that's what was supposed to happen, meant to be, and therefore positive!

 

You're a beautiful person FIO, have been through a ton of shyt and overcome!

 

Be proud of that, not everyone has the strength and resilience to overcome like you have!

 

So again feel proud and to quote catfeeder -- head high!!

[Jibralta]

Well, first consider how many sane people with reasonable self esteem would want to involve themselves with anyone who's still hanging our with their FWB, whether that stands for 'with' or 'without' benefits. So that limits YOUR potential dating pool and leaves you in some juvenile limbo where your old business keeps you stunted and focused instead on the kind of adolescent dramas you could just ... quit.

 

Some friendships need to be outgrown. I guess there's some sadness to that, but ultimately it improves your life.

[catfeeder]

Some friendships need to be outgrown. I guess there's some sadness to that, but ultimately it improves your life.

 

Yes! Some people are best loved from far away.

[catfeeder]

I never thought about the friendship ending because, well, I dont see my friendships having an end. But I think I always knew it would change over time and that Id struggle with that.

 

I had multiple dating experience since him, if he is introduced, which honestly only happened once, he was introduced as a friend, hes actually given me dating advice a few times. Again, my emotional ties to him aren't romantic. Its possible though that maybe deep down his being in my life hindered dating, I cant say for sure, I think only time will tell.

 

This is high school stuff. School is the only time we are 'forced' to socialize with exes in a shared campus and unchangeable social circles. Then we outgrow that. As adults we are liberated from the messy kids stuff of playing friendzies with exes, and our potential dates are no longer limited to those parameters.

 

That's why most thinking adults won't mess with anyone who's still hanging out with their ex lovers. You can introduce him as a friend, but it's deceptive not to tell a new lover that this ongoing friendship is with an ex lover. If the new guy is worth his self esteem, you won't see him again. If he's stupid enough to stick around for that, you have seen on these boards the kinds of problems that THAT will bring. It's a mess, no matter how you rationalize it, and it's the kind of mess we've all told people to walk away from for good reason.

 

Either you're done with old business or you're not. If not, you're not dating material. You get to pick, but trying to have it both ways isn't exactly going to expand your dating pool to include anyone who's on the ball enough to keep.

[figureitout23]

I hear ya Cat. Food for thought. Thanks.

[figureitout23]

UPDATE TIME!

 

So this happened Friday but I've been lazy and haven't felt like sitting down to write it all down, its not a particularly exciting update.

 

So, we had our outing, he was there but it wasn't weird, he didnt really interact with me and vis versa, the night was pretty normal, eventually he sits by me and asks if I want to talk

 

I tell him "there isn't really anything to talk about, you acted disrespectful to me and I didnt deserve it and you never bothered apologizing."

 

I didnt mention knowing I was blocked, but I had an attitude.

 

He sits there for a bit,looking aggravated, in my opinion, he fidgets a little, then finally looks at me and says "I'm sorry" , its genuine. He is not an apology guy.

 

I tell him "thank you."

 

We hug. Act normal the rest of the night.

 

The next morning he texts me something funny as if everything was back to normal, but guys, it isn't to me, it doesn't feel the same to me, I feel like a boundary was broke and It pisses me off. So I text back that I need some space from him for a bit, he texts back I thought we were good, I tell him we are, but you're screwing with my peace and I worked hard to get peace and I cant have you interrupting that and I know you understand. he texts back that he does he apologized again and we havent spoken since.

 

Im ok with it all right now.

 

I dont know maybe Im being too extreme, maybe not, its not an elephant thats suffocating me, its a baby elephant thats pretty docile and sits quietly in the corner, I know its there but Im able to ignore it and just enjoy the stillness.

 

I dont want to lose him, but I have to figure out how he fits into my life, if at all.