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To stay or go? Can you work out the small things?


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Hi everyone

 

Because of all the helpful and kind advice I got in the break-up phase with my ex, I though I would ask for your advice again.

 

I have been dating a guy since december. He is sweet, funny, smart, generous, emphatic, a good person, we share many interests and values and he is attractive (although - and I guess this is one of my issues - he is not the masculine, manly kind of guy I would usually fall for - but that is a little beside the point here). And after many of our first dates - I was up in the clouds with that in love kind of feeling. This all sounds good right? But then why am I writing here?

 

Because something is bugging me - something does not feel quite right. There are all these little things that annoy me about him (some fair and some probably not so fair).

 

He says all the time that he just wants me to be happy - which is nice, but in my head I am at this point screaming for him to have an opinion of his own and not just do what I want all the time. Maybe it is because that he does not really care one way or another about these thing or maybe it is a misunderstood caring for me? I just really don't want to date a puss-over - and even more important I don't want to be person to be pushy, but I feel myself doing it more and more.

 

The other thing is that he thinks I am beautiful and sexy - which is also very nice, but I just do not like being as affectionate as him in public. I like to kiss briefly on the lips, holding hands and hugging eachother while waiting in line or for the bus or whatever - but not a fan of tonguekissing in public, or him grabbing my butt or even worse my boobs. I'm not comfortable with it and frankly think it is a little taggy. And honestly I am not a fan of just being grabbed when we are in private either - I don't think it is sexy and it does not turn me on except for very rare occasions when in just that mood. I have had this discussion/fight many times with an ex and I just don't know how to communicate this in a caring and constructive way. From my ex I used to get the response - "this is how I try and seduce you - how else should I let you know that I want to have sex?" and I never really had a good answer except you know sweet words, doing nice things, but that won't always work - so sometimes just feel the room.

 

And then we get to the sex-part. It is good, but not great and I can't figure out if this will get better the more we get to know eachother or if this is as good as it gets? I try and guide him with small hints and suggestions, but again I don't want to be very critical about this kind of thing and I don't want to hurt his feelings. He however seems to like it a lot and want it all the time where as I think it is fine, but that is not the main reason that I want to spend time with him. I love it when we have these really deep conversations and not just getting naked. As I am writing this it sounds like such a gender-thing and maybe it is?

 

There are more things, but these are the mayor ones. Some dates I come home and am just sooo happy and then there are dates where everythings seems wrong.

 

So here is my dilemma - to stay or go? Can these little things be fixed - either by me accepting them or talking to him about them (and if the latter how?). Even though it has been 11 years since I was in a new relationship I have enough experience to know that the person you are in the very beginning of a relationship is not always the person you are even just a year down the road, because you adjust and make compromises. But at the same time you have to take a person you meet at face value - this is what they choose to show you and most likely they are showing their very best side. 6 months ago I just wanted a relationship for the sake of a relationship - to be on "the right shelf" again. And I dated a guy for a little while just because on paper he was right - but neither of us actually had the right feelings. Since then I have been more careful with who and why I date. And now I really like being single. I like that I can manage my own time, money and everything. Last weekend he was all upset because he did not think we saw eachother enough (2-3 times a week) - and maybe that is too little, but I really like it that way. The minute he said it I just felt like being confined and guilty for not setting of more time for him - and annoyed for feeling guilty. So what I am wondering is if this is even about him and his annoying habits or if this is about me being a little guarded and scared of getting into something serious again? Am I looking for reasons to not make it work? Last time I dated I was 22 and it felt easier to "try and see where it goes". At 33 I kind of want to know if this will go or not. The easy (or easiest) thing to do would be to end because it is not quite right - but will it ever be quite right or isn't that something you can work on? And if it really was that easy I would just have done it... but I am writing here for advice in stead. I have dated quite a few guys over the last year and this is the first one that feels special - so I don't want to just throw that away because of some minor things.

 

What would you do?

 

I know I am overthinking this - but it keeps gnawing at me and I cannot seem to just relax about it. Please help sort some of this tangle of messy thoughts out.

Edited by Larayn
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Well it's only been what, a month or two at most that you have been dating? And he is already annoying you? This isn't a great sign OP. Seems like you guys might not be compatible in your sexual desires and drive which is likely not to get better over time.

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This early in you get a feel for someone and how you start to feel. Usually if it’s a right fit you feel more good then bad.

 

Everyone has their annoying quirks. It just takes the right person to embrace all of them.

 

What sticks out to me is his lack of regard for your personal space in regards to grabbing you. That’s not okay! You should speak up about that regardless of his feelings. That I find a major red flag.

 

To be honest that aside. I think you’re incompatible with what you want out of a relationship. Don’t settle for him because you’re wanting a relationship. If you’re thinking more of the single life that should tell you this guy isn’t the right fit.

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Sometimes we just have to go with out guy. As cliche as it sounds it's true.

 

He is annoying you! Never a good sign in these early stages. That said I lot of what you mentioned could be smoothed out in conversation.

 

I know you are worried that saying how you feel about the PDAs, his "push over" ways and grabby hands can all be spoken about openly. It's your body and how you feel. Communication is a big thing in a relationship so voice it.

 

Plus you have no harm in talking about it if you are questioning leaving him anyway.

 

Personally I would talk to him about things that you feel are issues you for. He may not even notice he does them. He could become aware and change. Or... Does the same. If he does the same old same old then you know he is not a match for you then leave.

 

That way you can walk away knowing you tried and not wonder "what if"

 

It could just be him and his personality. If that's the case leave and find someone more compatible.

 

Best of luck :)

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These are not small things:

 

I would not tolerate the grabbing of my body parts in public. Disrespectful

Makes no effort to plan dates because he is lazy and doesn't care

Not compatible in the bedroom. I wouldn't want to be someone's instructor.

 

It is a little over a month. Find someone better. You are settling because it has been 11 years.

 

How old is he?

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From a guys point of view, you are asking a lot, got a massive list of must haves and requirements, but I am not sure what you actually offer in return. Likely your list of requirements will likely grow over time as you get older. Do you think the unicorn that you are looking for that meets all of your requirements actually exists? If so, keep looking, but for my guess the pickings will likely get less the older you get.

 

As we get older and 'wiser' about what we want from a partner and what we are prepared to put up with, we become quite selfish. It's all about what this perosn can do for us and how they can make our life better. There never seems to be a 'how we can make this life awesome together' line of thinking anymore.

 

So, if he is not the perfect man who does not tick all the boxes, walk away and go try to find the man who does. Good luck.

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It's only been a few weeks of dating and already huge red flags. Groping, bad sex, 'wimpy' personality, not your type and the list goes on and on. It may be best to tell him you're not a match and move forward.

I have been dating a guy since december.

 

not a fan of tonguekissing in public, or him grabbing my butt or even worse my boobs.

 

we get to the sex-part. It is good, but not great.

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Thanks for all the replies. I guess I have to have this talk - not really looking forward to it, but as you say @jellybean9 what do I have to lose :)

 

 

Plus you have no harm in talking about it if you are questioning leaving him anyway.

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Makes no effort to plan dates because he is lazy and doesn't care

 

How old is he?

 

Well to be fair he does make plans just not the specifics. Like we can agree to see eachother during the week and I ask him which day works best and he answers "which ever i best for you" or he asks me to the movies and I ask which movie he wants to see and he answers "Whichever you like" - same with food, drinks etc. and he allways gets the same as me. Like I said this a small thing, and might be him trying to be mindful of meeting my needs...

 

And he is 32 so just some months younger than me.

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From a guys point of view, you are asking a lot, got a massive list of must haves and requirements, but I am not sure what you actually offer in return. Likely your list of requirements will likely grow over time as you get older. Do you think the unicorn that you are looking for that meets all of your requirements actually exists? If so, keep looking, but for my guess the pickings will likely get less the older you get.

 

As we get older and 'wiser' about what we want from a partner and what we are prepared to put up with, we become quite selfish. It's all about what this perosn can do for us and how they can make our life better. There never seems to be a 'how we can make this life awesome together' line of thinking anymore.

 

So, if he is not the perfect man who does not tick all the boxes, walk away and go try to find the man who does. Good luck.

 

Where did you get "the massive list" in my post? That seem a little uncalled for. Yes I would like some things in a future partner - don't we all. But few a dealbreakers. Some personality traits, moral values, intelligence, being caring and a certain level of attractiveness (not looking for a model, but I have to find him attractive) is fair to ask don't you think?

But you are right - the older we get the more things we have learned out of experience that we want. And that is why I am asking this question - is it a minor thing that can be smoothed over time or is it more fundamentally? Sexual incompatibility is not fun - I have had experience with this before and frankly it drains a relationship where one is frustrated and one feels guilty. But just not sure if that is what this is yet.

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It's not against the law to date someone who doesn't feel, look, sound or behave the way we want. You're showing yourself what that's like. If it's enough for you, then here you are. If not, then consider why you'd prefer to settle for what you don't want rather than hold out for a better match for you.

 

Settling for a wrong match doesn't transform anyone into a good match. It may prevent you from being alone, but it also prevents you from finding the right person for you. You get to pick whether that trade off is worth it.

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Well to be fair he does make plans just not the specifics. Like we can agree to see eachother during the week and I ask him which day works best and he answers "which ever i best for you" or he asks me to the movies and I ask which movie he wants to see and he answers "Whichever you like" - same with food, drinks etc. and he allways gets the same as me. Like I said this a small thing, and might be him trying to be mindful of meeting my needs...

 

And he is 32 so just some months younger than me.

 

He is lazy and doesn't care enough to organize a date. Thus is who he is, and it will not change. he is behaving like an 18 year old.

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