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How to win her back


Coyote
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Around 3 weeks ago GF of 4 years said she would like to break up with me or at least take a break from our relationship, so she could figure out where she stands with us. We agreed to take a break, and when the timing will come we would discuss it. Since then we were in a limited contact, at first contacts were initiated from her side, now in last days also by me (it was her birthday). From my point of view we talked way too much as we should in order to get the clearer picture of us.

 

Since then we talked 2 times of relationship, where she both times stated she would like to end it but very much like to stay friends with me (prior to this 4yrs relationship, we where also 7yrs together (2005-2012), but from 2012 - 2014 were split), I on the other hand did not agree with her, saying I would like to continue our relationship and am willing to make an effort to make it better. I'm not holding her here, she can leave and contact me if she change her mind, but if we break up I won't be able to stay friends with her (she couldn't believe that about friendship and was obviously devastated by it).

 

Last time we talked about us was 2 days ago and there was no conclusion. Later at night I asked her about that, and she said why does it always has to be her making conclusions...I mean ?! I'm not the one wanting to break up (Didn't said that out loud). So I just said in a funny moment, ok, then we'll stay together and work on having betterl relationship, to which she replied "no" in an don't annoy me way.

 

Our problem is/was, too little sex (I also had some medical problems down there, but was afraid to get it check out....since our broke up, I already went to doctor and am taking care of that), me not being man enough and being lazy (btw I have a job, which pays good and have lots of free time which I just waste it instead of working on something that makes me happy).

 

We live together, but since our "break up" she's mostly staying at home and me in the apartment. She still has most of her stuff here, so basically were on status quo. We see each other maybe once/twice a week.

 

I decided I will not initiate the contact no more, of course if she does I will reply, and I will try and work on my issues to be better person and have better quality of life. Of course I want her back as honestly we have a lot in common and are very compatible.

 

Any opinions on the situation?

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Sorry to hear this. What are the disagreements about? To be honest it's silly to "break up" and actually still be living together. It's neither here nor there, just a stand off where neither of you will compromise or improve things but neither of you will leave or make some sort of reasonable decision... So you live with all the same problems and all the same nonsense but with even more tension and discord.

 

Are you both on the lease? How long have you lived together? Is she at her parents or does she have her own place? If it took her moving out to get you to wake up and have your ED addressed and whatever other "laziness" drinking, "time-wasting" or lack of romance lack of affection (seems to be her main complaint) then you've got some work to do, not for her but for yourself.

 

You also don't mention values, goals, kids, commitment, future, marriage etc. Where do you stand a on this and where is she on this? Playing house indefinitely in a sexless, loveless relationship may cause many women to reevaluate and reflect on why they are wasting their time on this. Find out what the real concerns besides lack of sex, affection, romance, etc are and if you can address them.

 

Make a decision. Either she breaks up and moves out or you two reevaluate what you both want and reconcile. Right now you are neither here nor there, somewhat roommates and that's a waste of everyone's time.

-she would like to break up with me or at least take a break from our relationship, so she could figure out where she stands with us.

-she both times stated she would like to end it but very much like to stay friends.

-I on the other hand did not agree with her, saying I would like to continue our relationship and am willing to make an effort to make it better.

-Our problem is/was, too little sex

-me not being man enough and being lazy

-We live together, but since our "break up" she's mostly staying at home and me in the apartment.

-She still has most of her stuff here, so basically were on status quo.

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She lives at home atm, at her parents. And when she is at the apartment, then I'm at home at my parents. 2 days we've both been here at the same time...there we no bigger tension tbh.

 

Thanks Wiseman2 for the answer.

 

Yes, I know I must do things for myself and not for her. TBH I'm not satisfied the way I function, and yes that is what drove her away, all this "little" things, like what future holds for us, romance, etc

 

I started reading some books, and have realized what being a man should be all about, and how to have a better relationship...I stoped caring about myself and took her for granted. Not saying she was perfect, cause she wasn't, but I as a man should lead and create better environment.

 

So yes, I started working on me because of me (hope I also know that deep down).

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Did you try couples counseling? Why did you split the first time?

 

Do not understand why you did not get the medical bit taken care of sooner. That was selfish.

 

You should stop ALL talk unless she wants a reconciliation. As you said, you cannot be friends. If there are feelings it is not possible.

 

Stop letting her jerk you around. A decision needs to be made.

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Let me answer some questions that came up:

- only my name is on the lease of apartment, and we've been living 4yrs together...thats no problem since we or I can move out any time I like

- as far as commitment and future goes, we are on the same page...but first we must have better relationship in order for other things to work...as I said we are very compatible and look on the life pretty much the same

- no we never tried counseling

- first time was about trust issues, she had towards me...I had some minor betting problems which I hide them to her (it wasnt about big money, but still I was hiding it, so I understood her)

 

Yes it was selfish from me to not took care of medical problems, especially since our intimate life had to suffer because of it.

 

I know I must stop all the contacts, but its hard. I've stopped initiating it, but she mostly contacts me in the morning when on work and we spend cca 30 minutes talking, before I then say I must go now. We always talked a lot, so its hard just to stop. Also last few times we saw each other, and I would say or do something stupid, she responded in a manner, by doing that your just making my choice easier. So I know she's still undecided what to do...but yes I know, she's not here so actions speaks louder than words.

 

She's pretty straightforward person, and says what she means.

 

I can't just let her go, but also can't be left on a friendship level. I'm afraid to give her an ultimatum, since I'm afraid she'll disappear from my life. Probably she senses that and she's taking her time with an ultimate decision.

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Seems like a waste of time and money to maintain an apt, that neither of you can live in or enjoy or share and both of you staying elsewhere to avoid each other. This is your problem to solve since for some strange reason, she wasn't even on the lease.

She lives at home, at her parents. And when she is at the apartment, then I'm at home at my parents.
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Probably renting an apartment in my country works different than in yours. Its normal for just one person to be on the lease, also if we both would be on, we would have bigger expenses with it, so we saved little money by doing it so. That's not problem at all. But yes currently I'm the one staying in it...she's at home since its little closer to her work. But I always told her and she knows that, that if she wants she can stay here and in the mean time I will go to my parents.

 

Btw, except for 2 of our closest friends, nobody knows about our problems and that we're on a hold in the moment.

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Her parents and friends must know if she basically moved back home. Your parents aren't aware that you broke up?

I'm the one staying in it...she's at home since its little closer to her work. except for 2 of our closest friends, nobody knows about our problems and that we're on a hold in the moment.
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Her parents probably sense something yes, but they don't know as she never told them yet. She even lied to her mother, saying that we will go together swimming as we normally do on her birthday. She told me that in case her mother calls me.

 

My parents also don't know since I never told them yet.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Its time for you to continue your self improvement efforts for your interests entirely. This situation is done and over, man.

 

As for the statement about you "not being man enough/laziness"....unless you truly agree with these statements, you should cut her off and never look back.

 

Speaking as someone who once wasted far too much time and effort on the fantasy of reconciling with an ex once, do yourself a favor and get time and distance away from her so you can start making yourself into a stronger man in every way for someone who truly sees you as an investment for their future.

 

Good luck.

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ShatteredMan thanks so much for the input, I really appreciate it.

 

I honestly know that I lacked masculine energy...that's the fact! I'm not saying she was perfect, because she was not. But I believe that me as a man should lead the relationship to a better place.

 

I'm still working on myself, not as effective as I'd wanted too, but I am...taking little steps.

 

As far as our "being on a "break/break up" goes, we're still on status quo. We still hear each other almost on a daily basis (initiated by both of us), seen each other few times (I've been to her home twice), she still has most stuff at "our" apartment...finally set a date for this Sunday, when we'll get together and decide how to move forward. Today I'm in a really bad mood, since I have a bad feeling about meeting on Sunday...it's almost like I was better at being nowhere than resolve a thing, too afraid of ending it...really messed up! It's like I'm projecting my fears onto her, on Sunday, and I'm already in a bad place, which up to yesterday I really haven't been.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've just read my first post here, from which a month went by, and realized, that apart from some minor changes, I've done way to less that I should in finding my purpose in life. Sucks :/ My mind is just so stuck in ex and laziness that I just have hard time being productive. I wanted to start learning new language, and going out to few companies to ask for a part time job, being active in sport more, meditate more, etc...but I just can't get past that 50-50, of putting my effort further out, not just to start something.

 

As far as reconciliation goes, we're pretty much still in the same place...none of us is actually moving forward. She still hasn't moved out, and I'm still stuck in past relationship (have good and bad days). We're basically addicted to each other - don't know how else to put this. This night she slept here (nothing happened, she wasn't up to it), and this morning I told her its best, that 'till the next time we see each other - this will be in 2 days due to work - its best we don't hear each other, to which she agreed.

 

I wrote this mainly as a journal, so in few weeks, a month, I could see my progress...but if anyone has something he/she would like to add I'd appreciate it.

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OP, you are seeking an answer to a question that has not even been asked. You want to know how to 'win' your X. But you looking so far into the future, you haven't even realized where you are now. Seems to me that this girl is done with the relationship. Just because you two still talk doesn't mean she wants to be back with you. She is too afraid to hurt you so she is slowly pulling away. She doesn't want to be the bad guy or the one that hurts you, but she is just not happy being in a relationship with you anymore.

Whats the point of winning something that doesn't even want to play?

Instead of asking how to win your GF back, why don't you ask how can you improve yourself? What steps can you do to make you happy because as of now, you are completely relying on her to make you happy and she doesn't have the energy to do it. Question for you. How can you ask someone to make you happy if you are not willing to make yourself happy? How can you ask someone to change for you when you are not willing to change yourself? I know you want her back, but at this point you are not emotionally ready for a relationship. There are so many other things on your list to do that having her back would just be a beautiful distraction.

Use this time to work on you, not on her. Quit facing outwards trying to win something when you should really should be winning yourself back. Be that great happy guy that attracted your X in the first place. That's the guy you should win back. That's the guy you should be working for.

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No1 you're so, so right! Thank you for this incredible post!

 

I keep telling this to myself over and over again, but lot's of time I lack the focus, it's still on the ex, or some other BS, just not on me. I get to easily distracted with unimportant things and then I forget about myself. I do it very little step by step, but I know I could do so much more...that's always been my problem throughout my life, I lack the focus on myself and my success in life, and it's probably one of the things that drove her away.

 

Thanks again, and I'll try to be the biggest priority from now on.

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If you do what you need to do to improve, make yourself happy, you will see a positive change in your life. Youll attract people and you will find better. I know its hard to believe but you will find someone who you will mesh with and you will be on top of the world.

But never forget that time with your X made you who you are. Accept and take the good times and memories with you and discard the bad times. Learn from your mistakes and accept your past and work towards your future. Sometimes to appreciate the light, we have to be in the dark. Sometimes to appreciate what you have, you might have to go thru heartbreak and times that will challenge you. But you can rise above it and I am telling you that once you do, the happiness you will share with the one you find will be deeper than what you have felt ever before.

Focus on you. Make yourself happy, then let life handle the rest.

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Around 3 weeks ago GF of 4 years said she would like to break up with me or at least take a break from our relationship, so she could figure out where she stands with us. We agreed to take a break, and when the timing will come we would discuss it. Since then we were in a limited contact, at first contacts were initiated from her side, now in last days also by me (it was her birthday). From my point of view we talked way too much as we should in order to get the clearer picture of us.

 

Since then we talked 2 times of relationship, where she both times stated she would like to end it but very much like to stay friends with me (prior to this 4yrs relationship, we where also 7yrs together (2005-2012), but from 2012 - 2014 were split), I on the other hand did not agree with her, saying I would like to continue our relationship and am willing to make an effort to make it better. I'm not holding her here, she can leave and contact me if she change her mind, but if we break up I won't be able to stay friends with her (she couldn't believe that about friendship and was obviously devastated by it).

 

Last time we talked about us was 2 days ago and there was no conclusion. Later at night I asked her about that, and she said why does it always has to be her making conclusions...I mean ?! I'm not the one wanting to break up (Didn't said that out loud). So I just said in a funny moment, ok, then we'll stay together and work on having betterl relationship, to which she replied "no" in an don't annoy me way.

 

Our problem is/was, too little sex (I also had some medical problems down there, but was afraid to get it check out....since our broke up, I already went to doctor and am taking care of that), me not being man enough and being lazy (btw I have a job, which pays good and have lots of free time which I just waste it instead of working on something that makes me happy).

 

We live together, but since our "break up" she's mostly staying at home and me in the apartment. She still has most of her stuff here, so basically were on status quo. We see each other maybe once/twice a week.

 

I decided I will not initiate the contact no more, of course if she does I will reply, and I will try and work on my issues to be better person and have better quality of life. Of course I want her back as honestly we have a lot in common and are very compatible.

 

Any opinions on the situation?

 

 

move on bro, you've had two swings of the bat, 13 years in total with the women and its still not working.

 

why hang on to this toxic relationship??

 

stop talking, move out and find someone else

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Coyote, life is cake. Relationships are icing.Icing always needs cake to hold it up, cake rarely needs icing to taste good. (Forgive me, I used to bake a lot.)

 

If she says she wants to split up, the best thing you can do, IMO, is nod and say you agree, it's for the best. No explanation as to what you mean and no need to ask her for one.

 

By being silent, you won't say anything you'll regret or have to apologise for and you won't have to hear how disappointed she is. If she wants to talk details, tell her you need to let things settle in and you'll be in touch.

 

Then, post here.

 

I suggest you don't take her call or respond to text/emails (she'll want to make sure you're OK) until you've posted here and given it 24 hours (?) of thought.

 

We'll be here.

 

 

BTW, in every relationship there are shifting powers. One person always wants the relationship more than their partner - it can switch between partners at any given time. The one who wants the relationship least holds the power.

 

Right now, she has all the power. If you want to win her back or get her attention again, you have to get some power back. Let me know if you're interested in hearing how. I think I could write my own book after all the books I read, research I did, counselors I saw.

Edited by AutumnBorn
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@ No1

Again thanks for the overwhelming words...everyone should read them, that's how uplifting are they! I know that everything you said it's true, it's just that sometimes its hard to be in the right moment in see and work only on yourself.

 

@magicman89

If only would it be so easy :) I know lots of times it's us that makes everything harder than it is...anyway I'm still not really there, but also not as clingy on the idea of getting her back that I was.

 

@AutumnBorn

thanks for the cake analogy, it's great :) We're already beyond that, I already accepted and we sort of talked already...I knew what the problem was, so nothing new there, and I also accept my part of what went wrong. I'd love to hear more about shifting power and how to get some back...so please I'd appreciate it if you can write something about it :) thx!

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@ No1

Again thanks for the overwhelming words...everyone should read them, that's how uplifting are they! I know that everything you said it's true, it's just that sometimes its hard to be in the right moment in see and work only on yourself.

 

@magicman89

If only would it be so easy :) I know lots of times it's us that makes everything harder than it is...anyway I'm still not really there, but also not as clingy on the idea of getting her back that I was.

 

@AutumnBorn

thanks for the cake analogy, it's great :) We're already beyond that, I already accepted and we sort of talked already...I knew what the problem was, so nothing new there, and I also accept my part of what went wrong. I'd love to hear more about shifting power and how to get some back...so please I'd appreciate it if you can write something about it :) thx!

 

it is exactly that easy, the relationship is over, we all experience this once or more in a lifetime.

 

how are you meant to meet anyone else if your clinging on to your ex? do you honestly believe if they came back you could trust they wouldnt leave again?

 

once its over its over. NEXT

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  • 1 month later...

So a few days back, I got a call from the ex...but since I wasn't near my phone I called her back an hour later. When she picked up, she was mad at me, because she did not believe my reason for not picking up the phone...I didn't have it on me, it was in other room and I didn't hear it.

 

She didn't say it, but before ending it mad, she was being sarcastics, yeah right....I guess it was her jealousy and insecurity talking. In the hour while waiting for me to call her back, she probably pictured the worst reasons why I didn't pick it up.

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