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Why can't I just accept myself?


Dimka
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This is a can of worms. A massive can of worms for me that has stems from years of contemplation, anxiety, and therapy.

 

I'm a guy. And I'm into (select guys). I am open and loving of people of all sexuality, but when it comes to myself, I can never accept myself for who I am. I have always wanted to just be in the group of normal straight teens who like girls, but wouldn't actively consider being with a male. I dare never to hate someone because they are gay, but deep down in myself I really don't like that I am attracted to other guys. I've dated a few guys and have done a little more with more guys, but I can never say that to my family or friends, or post it on social media. Its a legit second life that I actively cover up to make sure no one sees. I'm not scared that I'll be disowned, my mother and the few friends that I have told support it and always want to hear what I'm up to. But the image of me being with a male doesn't fit the persona that I have setup for myself and that I want to grow into as I begin my adult life.

 

I tell myself it's okay to go on these adventures and be intimate with guys, as long as I tell myself that when I'm older, I'll be married to a woman and have kids of my own. But I'm at that age where people start becoming open to the idea of permanent/super long term relationships. And I fall for these guys not because of what's down stairs, but because they're sweet and like me because I don't like myself. But I feel like I need to make a commitment as to which side I swing towards before I start making real mistakes involving real people and real emotions. I consider myself bi, but some of the people who have called me out have called me gay. But I don't agree with that. Sure I haven't properly dated or had sex with a female, but I'm still attracted to them, but at the same time I haven't been able to hold the hand of a male partner I've had while in public, or asked to have the dorm room for a night to have a night alone with him out of sheer anxiety and discomfort.

I'm only 19 so I'm sure some of this can be attributed to changing hormones, but this has been a battle I've fought inside for years. And I feel like a really bad person having this battle inside myself, and still going out and opening myself to new relationships.

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If you have Netflix, I suggest you watch Grace and Frankie. It has two older gay men who only came out in their 70’s.

 

The world is becoming more accepting, especially on college campuses. I agree with a therapist. It’s fine if you’re gay or bi or straight. It’s all fine! But for your long term happiness, you need to identify what you’re actually attracted to - because I suspect its men. Which is great!

 

There may be an LGBT support group as well.

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Hi Dimka,

 

You are very brave to openly acknowledge all these things about you. I'm not sure any of us are qualified to help you or can be helpful. Let me do my best by offering some thoughts and reactions.

1. I think there is a clear struggle between what you "think you ought to be" and what you ought to be. This is very common (especially at younger ages) and during the phases of our life we are "figuring out ourselves." But this is the MAIN conflict that you must address and figure out. What, that you believe and think, is TRULY you vs what is what you "believe you should be." Often times, in what i've seen, the "what you believe you should be" is not real. It's societal pressures, peer pressures, things you've convinced yourself of due to influences all around everywhere. It even perhaps could be what you feel will give you the attention or esteem or fulfillment you want because you have come to believe "that profile" is what gives you the happiness you seek.

 

All of us suffer from this - just in different ways. Many peopel dream and believe they should become a star recording artist or be some celebrity int he movies, or a superstar NBA player when they simply do not have the skills or make-up to achieve that. It just so happens that your "struggle" is related to sexuality.

 

2. The "can't accept yourself" theme is typically a conflict between what you've been taught and bred to believe vs what is truly going on with yourself (so very much like #1 stated above). So a good exercise is to write down everything you feel and think or believe or want or dont' want in this area you're trying to figure it out.. and put them on 1 of 2 lists - "truly me " vs "bred in me".. and see what the 2 lists look like after you're done. It may be very revealing what the end truth is and which part is "not real" that you need to let go of and focus on dealing with just "the real."

 

Even your language in how you explain both sides is very telling to me: "what i believe i should be" vs "what i am". Following me on this one?

 

Lastly, i will say this is very complex stuff and again a bunch of social media interent types ar probably far from being qualified to really be helpful here. So I highly encourage you to seek out a professional to help. There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in doing that. They will be equipped to help you with tools, their experiences of treating others, in what this is and how people figure this stuff out for themselves.

 

Good luck.

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  • 1 month later...

Trust me I understand I'm going through the same thing literally mate I can't even say the words my mates are straight and everything we go out like lads and go on the pull and everything and I feel like in a cage I can never be myself at all and everything even convinced myself it's wrong and that just remember people going through it aswell so atleast you ain't alone

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To the OP and LewisHidden0

 

If you are not being yourself, you are cheating on yourself.

Fortunately, the world is becoming much more understanding of LGBT, so don't allow the bigots to get to you.

 

You may wish to post something like this on

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender section of the forum.

 

You may receive some encouragement on this there as well.

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