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A partner with anxiety


monkeynuts
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How on earth do you deal with it?

 

Rational thinking goes out the window. You try to understand but let’s face it you can’t.

 

I get blamed for stuff. Made out to be the bad guy. It’s all my fault.

 

Have tried to understand. Support. Say I will be there and we can get through this. But fault is always found.

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As someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and has dealt with an ex who had relationship based anxiety. I can say that you need to put your happiness first and take care of You! There’s no way you can be someone’s pillar of strength for their own issues.

 

Yeah anxiety sucks but you can get treatment and help for it.

 

If they won’t help themselves it’s unfair they assume you’ll fix it for them.

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In your last thread you were talking about struggling with letting go of your ex and that was just over a month ago.... did you get together with a new woman or is this the same ex?

 

Either way their anxiety is theirs to deal with, and while empathy is important in a relationship, it's not up to you to fix it for them... the other needs to learn how to handle their feelings without putting them on other people.

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If someone is blaming you for things etc then that is not something you should accept. Your partner should seek professional help for their anxiety. Honestly, to me it sounds like an excuse to abuse and manipulate you. This coming from someone who has anxiety and who had severe anxiety during relationships, I admit I used my anxiety to manipulate previous partners when I should have sought help.

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There is a thin line between helping or being understanding and enabling.

 

You shouldn’t have to deal with someone’s mental health issues forever. It is kind and understanding to listen and to be supportive while they seek help. It’s enabling if they choose not to seek help and they just expect you to work around it and deal with abuse.

 

What is she doing to help herself?

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I get blamed for stuff. Made out to be the bad guy. It’s all my fault.

 

Have tried to understand. Support. Say I will be there and we can get through this. But fault is always found.

 

Anxiety and what you are describing are two different things.

 

What you are describing is downright mean, cruel, and gaslighting. Anxiety can be helped with therapy and medication. This other stuff, this blaming and fault-finding, well that's just low-level abuse.

 

Why do you accept it? And don't say "because I love her".

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No I haven’t reconciled with my ex. We just met up a few times and started talking.

 

Sadly she isn’t doing anything to seek help. She says that it’s me or how I react that brings on her anxiety.

 

For instance. We had plans to meet. Last minute she says she can’t. She is nervous and scared. I try to talk to her to understand what has happened or gone on. Just seems to make it worse.

 

Hell I should just back off. Not care. But it’s hard. I’m human. When we have been communicating and getting on. Talking about what went wrong in our relationship and why. What was lacking etc then feelings start being spoken about.

 

Then the sudden change the next day. It’s confusing. It pickled me. Maybe I do get frustrated. I don’t understand anxiety. I don’t know how to deal with it.

 

How do you just ignore what they are going through? When all you want to do is help? I understand you can’t help those who don’t want to be help. But when it affects someone you still care about it’s hard to do nothing.

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So how best do you support them?

 

I’m not here looking for lectures I just wondered how people who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks calm down?

What can others do to help? Back off? Reassurance doesn’t seem to work.

 

I know I can’t help her if she doesn’t want to get help. And it’s something she needs to realise on her own. But I do care about her and want to support her. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire so to speak.

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So how best do you support them?

 

I’m not here looking for lectures I just wondered how people who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks calm down?

What can others do to help? Back off? Reassurance doesn’t seem to work.

 

I know I can’t help her if she doesn’t want to get help. And it’s something she needs to realise on her own. But I do care about her and want to support her. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire so to speak.

 

Here is how I deal with my depression, mental break down, whatever you want to call them.

 

Sports : lifting and sparring are the best, running work too but favorite when you are too messed up is lifting cause you are alone and you can channel all your emotions on a single or multiple reps.

 

Praying : going to church help a lot, saying rosary

 

Listenning to music : Bach is a way to go, or the Valaam monastery chant (i'm not orthodox but roman catholic but their spirituality is less "intellectual" and more "mystic", their chant heals the soul).

 

Cold shower.

 

Reading : that only works if you are not too ed up, I mean by that if you fall down too bad in "panic attack" or in depression (suicidal feelings), you will be unable to fully concentrate, at least it is the case for me.

 

But all of that is what she might do for herself (not sure if that will work, that works for me and she can try to do those).

 

Now what other person can do for you ?

 

Again, I speak from personal experience, I'm not saying that is THE TRUTH, I speak about what helps me.

 

Reassurance is 100% bullsh... in my opinion cause it is a rational thinking apply on an irrational belief.

 

For me I always appreciate when my friends still invite me to an event and insist a bit for me to come when I'm depressed or when I'm messed up. It does not have to be much like, they throw out a dinner or an afterwork, or go watch a sport even in a pub, I usualy come, stay a bit, don't talk much but I see them laugh, cheer me up a bit, I see friendly faces that show me that I count and it reminds me to be gratefull for the Lord to have them. They do not pressure me to stay more than I want to and I know they will not take grudge or something if I'm not on the mood or leave just after the event or during the event.

 

My best friend might come to my appartment, we will share a coffee, he will not say much, I will not say much or sometimes anything, he spend 30 min with me sometimes less but he comes, gives me a bro hug, remind me that if I'm not on sunday morning 7am for the bench press he will kick my ass and that is all.

 

Those things do not cheer you up or make the anxiety stop, I sometimes shed a bit of tears on the way to go home but I believe they help me A FUC... LOT to stay on track.

 

So I would say, leave her alone, but show her you are here, little walk or a movie, an hug, anything to show her she that you are here.

 

I would not try more since it will be useless.

 

Of course and I insist on this point, she has to do a little effort when she has her anxiety (like me, I go to the afterwork, dinner or whatever) and she HAS to pay back when things go better. I mean by that, when people love you to the point that they come to you when you are in need, the least you can do is to find somehow a way to give them time, attention, help, whatever when you get better (I will organise a dinner or prepare puff pastry for my friends and ofc when they are in need, I'm always present).

 

It is not I take when I need and when it is alright, I do things my way as nothing happened, that's not how life works or at least I don't think it is how life should work.

 

I see two problems in your girl :

 

- she blame you, anxiety and depression is not about rejecting fault to other but be gratefull when they help you in your own mess

 

- she does not seem the kind to give back like I point out.

 

Make sure she does not use you.

 

Good luck and god bless.

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She I wonder if I explained it right,

 

When I say she blames me. Like the situation I described. We had plans. For some reason she starts to worry/panic as she is scared of things going ‘bad’ again ( basically the part of our relationship over a year ago we didn’t get on )

 

We have met a few times since then and got on fine. No issues. Both had fun. She started opening up. Telling me things partners do.

 

Then she got weird on Saturday. Perhaps I reacted with frustration as I didn’t understand why she was worried. I was confused being told she misses me. Wants to see me. Still deeply in love with me. Then the next day anxiety shows up.

 

I didn’t understand why? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Had intermittent texts with her as we were both busy during the day.

She said she doesn’t feel good enough. Feels like she lets people down. She just wants people to Ben happy.

 

I said I’m confused, hurt frustrated as we had been getting on fine and I was looking forward to hanging out with her.

 

It’s this that she blames on me. That she is fine normally but soon as we are talking again it causes her grief. I have to stress I don’t push. And we have been getting on swimmingly.

 

It hurts. As it’s pike one step forward two steps back. I wonder if it is just anxiety or whether something else.

 

She always seems to be looking for ‘issues’ or negative way of thinking. Instead of just being in the head and now. Things are good. Role with it. It’s like she increases her anxiety by worrying so much

 

It’s why I asked if there is anything I can do or say to ease then worry. But what I’m picking up is what I already thought. To just back off. Not react to her. Let her bring herself down

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Then the next day anxiety shows up.

 

I didn’t understand why? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

 

 

How she responds to her environment has to do with HER, not with you. When you understand this, you. will see that the above referenced snippet is a nonsequiter.

 

Her anxiety flares up, because she feels anxious about her own ability to engage with others in a manner with which she is comfortable. It has nothing to do with you.

 

Part 2 of this understanding:

 

When our friends, SOs, and others are unhappy/upset/etc, we mean well when the first thought we have is to ask "What did I do?" In truth, that question turns the issue to be about ourselves, and for some, adds an element of pressure and further complication. Other people do not want to impact us with their negative thoughts, bad moods etc. It helps to replace that thought with "Use me as a sounding board if you like" or similar.

 

----

 

Her anxiety is about her. Accept it, and create solutions for yourself that allow you to interact as best you can, give her room or engage as appropriate, without entangling yourself in the diagnosis and solution. Think about boundaries of responsibility, and if she assigns responsibility to you, consider what you can do to diminish her opportunity to assign blame.

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How she responds to her environment has to do with HER, not with you. When you understand this, you. will see that the above referenced snippet is a nonsequiter.

 

Her anxiety flares up, because she feels anxious about her own ability to engage with others in a manner with which she is comfortable. It has nothing to do with you.

 

Part 2 of this understanding:

 

When our friends, SOs, and others are unhappy/upset/etc, we mean well when the first thought we have is to ask "What did I do?" In truth, that question turns the issue to be about ourselves, and for some, adds an element of pressure and further complication. Other people do not want to impact us with their negative thoughts, bad moods etc. It helps to replace that thought with "Use me as a sounding board if you like" or similar.

 

----

 

Her anxiety is about her. Accept it, and create solutions for yourself that allow you to interact as best you can, give her room or engage as appropriate, without entangling yourself in the diagnosis and solution. Think about boundaries of responsibility, and if she assigns responsibility to you, consider what you can do to diminish her opportunity to assign blame.

This is good advise and though I didn't see it in which you wrote, try not to fix it. I hear your frustration and I can't help but wonder if you are. You will likely further frustrate a person if you are somehow trying to make something they don't have control over in the moment go away.

 

If you are truly interested in what you can do, just listen and say something to acknowledge you've heard her and tell her you understand. Try not to get caught up in the dance.

 

Don't defend yourself because as IamFCA mentioned, it makes it about you.

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So how best do you support them?

 

I’m not here looking for lectures I just wondered how people who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks calm down?

What can others do to help? Back off? Reassurance doesn’t seem to work.

 

I know I can’t help her if she doesn’t want to get help. And it’s something she needs to realise on her own. But I do care about her and want to support her. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire so to speak.

 

You are getting a ton of excellent advice.

 

Unfortunately it seems it’s not going to be useful to you because you simply want to ‘fix it’.

 

This is not about helping her for helping hers sake. If that were the case you’d hear her when she states you are causing her anxiety and give her space for not only her wellbeing but your own mental health but you can’t/won’t do that because like most exes who want their partner back, you fear going NC because you dont want to be forgotten.

 

You’re actually being incredibly selfish right now and blaming her for it, reading your posts it’s obvious you suffer from some anxiety yourself here buddy.

 

Stop with the excuses.

 

You are not the hero of this story. You can care about someone but doing so to your own detriment is inexcusable, I’m sorry stop excusing it.

 

Get space. There was no reason to meet up with her but reconcilliation

 

If you’re meant to be you two will find each other oncenyoure both in a healthier state.

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Right it’s clear you’ve had an issue with me from a post a while ago.

 

I don’t find your post helpful in the slightest. I wouldn’t be posting on here if I didn’t care about her. And who wouldn’t want to fix it? When they see someone they love go through an emotional state.

 

Like people have said people with anxiety do not just ‘get better’

They need to seek help.

 

Clearly you have an issue with me. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t respond any more to my post. Like you said people have been helpful and given advice.

 

You have not.

 

Maybe get out your bubble and realise I may not have encountered anxiety or someone close to me with a mental illness before. So yes I’m seeking advice and trying to understand how best to deal with it. As I’m not an expert

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Right it’s clear you’ve had an issue with me from a post a while ago.

 

I don’t find your post helpful in the slightest. I wouldn’t be posting on here if I didn’t care about her. And who wouldn’t want to fix it? When they see someone they love go through an emotional state.

 

Like people have said people with anxiety do not just ‘get better’

They need to seek help.

 

Clearly you have an issue with me. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t respond any more to my post. Like you said people have been helpful and given advice.

 

You have not.

 

Maybe get out your bubble and realise I may not have encountered anxiety or someone close to me with a mental illness before. So yes I’m seeking advice and trying to understand how best to deal with it. As I’m not an expert

 

One thing you should know about me is A.) I have almost 3 thousand posts, you are one of hundreds of people Ive responded to, youre a stranger to me, so I have no 'issue' with you. B) I got pretty thick skins so youre gonna have to come harder than this.

 

Im not attempting to insult you Im attempting to save you from yourself.

 

You are incapable of 'saving' her. She has not asked you to 'save' her shes broken up with you.

 

If I am understanding your words wrong PLEASE correct me.

 

You, yourself, have been manic since the break up constantly trying to fix it, now youre trying to fix her.

 

This. is. not. in. your. control.

 

How she responds to her environment has to do with HER, not with you. When you understand this, you. will see that the above referenced snippet is a nonsequiter.

 

Her anxiety flares up, because she feels anxious about her own ability to engage with others in a manner with which she is comfortable. It has nothing to do with you.

 

Part 2 of this understanding:

 

When our friends, SOs, and others are unhappy/upset/etc, we mean well when the first thought we have is to ask "What did I do?" In truth, that question turns the issue to be about ourselves, and for some, adds an element of pressure and further complication. Other people do not want to impact us with their negative thoughts, bad moods etc. It helps to replace that thought with "Use me as a sounding board if you like" or similar.

 

Im not even the only person saying this.

 

What I am adding which others may have missed is

 

you cant see clearly and act solely as a support system because you want to reconcile. So even if you feel you re putting her best interests first, the truth is, it would take superman to be able to put their desires aside enough to handle all this impartially, which is what she needs.

 

Im sorry if that makes you mad to hear, its not my intention.

 

This is a disaster and if you ant advise on how to dig in deeper fine, but I promise you if you latch onto her harder you will solidify an unhealthy bond and things will be not be stable.

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