Girlfriend sexted a guy she knew from a dating site: Was it cheating?

[Depressed]

From what you said, she didnt sext him. "she said to him 'can't rush it just now' and then he said so when are we gonna do it and she said 'not straight away."

Thats a nice decline.

She texted an old boyfriend. Its not nice, but not the end of the world.

Sounds like its over anyway... so time to let it go and move on.

 

Sorry, but that to me is sexting and cheating on someone responding in the way that she did.

 

I caught her out and was amazed when she tried to turn it round and blame me for the whole thing.

 

He wasn't an old bf, prob was someone she's never met before. Also, not shutting down someone when they are saying they wanna eff you and entertaining it is wrong.

 

Pretty basic common sense clearly.

 

You're right. It was someone she had apparently been chatting to on a dating site (before she met me on there) and she had kept his number the whole time that she was with me which I don't understand why - safety net perhaps? She told me that she hasn't met him or even spoken to him on the phone - I'm not sure I believe her.

 

Exactly, she could and should have said to him that she had a boyfriend and that she is not interested, bye bye. Block him and delete his number.

[Depressed]

Of course she will tell you that you are wrong because you looked at her phone, because she did not exlect to get caught and you DID catch her. It IS cheating... you just caught her in the early stage. If this did not happen now she would've kept texting this guy until she got comfortable enough to procede to the next stage and actually meet up in person. I believe that people who do not cheat do not engage in sexual conversations like the one your gf had while they are in a relationship with someone.

 

You are right, she is angry because I caught her out unexpectedly PLUS the fact that she knows deep down that what she did was wrong. It hurts like hell her cheating but I know that I had to dump her because staying with her would be condoning her behaviour.

 

Yes it's cheating. And according to your other thread you should've dumped her much sooner and even if she hadn't sexted this guy.

 

Why do you say that, is it because she was a flaky person?

[lostandhurt]

Stop looking for more reasons to justify dumping her, you already have more than enough.

 

Searching for reasons is common but you need to accept that she is a cheater and this is what cheaters do. Classic cheater is to try and turn it back on you and make you the bad person. Rarely is a time when a cheater says "You caught me, I was totally wrong, uncaring, selfish and didn't give you a second thought when I was doing this, this is in no way your fault I am just a horrible person to be in a relationship with"

 

Now she can start dating this other dude and he can be burned by her too. Karma perhaps?

 

Take some time to heal and then get back out there.

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It doesn't even matter what you want to call this but she's garbage material, not girlfriend material.

Stop looking for more reasons to justify dumping her, you already have more than enough.

[Depressed]

I think she was far more wrong.

 

I see it this way, we are the only ones who can keep ourselves safe when it comes to being cheated on. If they are going to lie and carry on than what other choice do you have then to look at their phone?

 

She's a snake, not only did she keep this guy around, she was sexting with him and the lied to you as to whom he was.

You did right in dumping her.

She has very little honesty and didn't love you if this is how she behaves with other men.

 

Let her go be someone else's problem.

 

Very good advice there. When I look back on the relationship now, I do see that she didn't care and this was something that I foolishly overlooked.

 

If only she had had the decency to at least tell me that she wasn't happy before cheating on me, I could have dumped her sooner and without the hurtful and painful implications done by her actions.

 

A leopard never changes their spots as the saying goes, and neither does this filthy sl*t.

 

Yes. No way of turning it around. A decline would've been deleting and blocking at first signs of flirting (since they're not even friends) or a firm "this is inappropriate, I have a boyfriend. Stop. Bye"

 

Exactly, but the thought never occurred to her. Me, me, me and all about her needs and to hell with how I might have felt.

 

You did nothing wrong by snooping. If anyone here was in the same situation, they would have done it also.

 

Cheaters don't deserve any respect for their privacy as they have betrayed the core foundation that relationships are built on.

 

I lived with a serial cheater for 20 years and with her last (exit) affair I hired a private detective, hacked her email, recorded her phone conversions, told an elaborate lie to her mobile phone company to get her call logs, took her phone while she was sleeping to gather evidence and even followed her discretely when she was going for a secret hook up.... I don't regret anything I did and would do it again if faced with another cheater.

 

The evidence I gathered contributed to getting full custody of my children, keeping our family home and getting a far group greater percentage from our divorce settlement.

 

When it comes to cheaters, you need to be smart, cunning and do whatever it takes to protect yourself, or they will walk all over you.

 

You are right, if it means doing your own detective work to expose a cheater then so be it.

 

She is just angry that I exposed her, caught her and brought her filthy little affair to light.

 

I had the last laugh by dumping her filthy a*s. She clearly didn't respect, care about or love me if she did such a hurtful thing.

[boltnrun]

But you're still constantly thinking about her and are calling her "the love of my life".

 

I think your brain realizes how bad she is for you but your emotions have not caught up.

 

Actively choosing to do something other than sit and think about her will help with that.

[Depressed]

But you're still constantly thinking about her and are calling her "the love of my life".

 

I think your brain realizes how bad she is for you but your emotions have not caught up.

 

Actively choosing to do something other than sit and think about her will help with that.

 

 

I think I am still in shock from the whole discovery and that it hasn't fully sunk in yet.

 

I always thought in some ways that she was out of my league and that I was out of hers looks wise - silly I know but that's how I felt from time to time.

 

I need to face reality, she's a cheat, a dishonest woman, liar and a user. That should be enough reasons to make move move on from her.

[lostandhurt]

It takes time for your emotions to catch up with your mind. Once the shock and disbelief start wearing off so will the love you once felt for her.

 

Strange how time clears our mind and vision.

 

Lost

[Annia]

You are right, she is angry because I caught her out unexpectedly PLUS the fact that she knows deep down that what she did was wrong. It hurts like hell her cheating but I know that I had to dump her because staying with her would be condoning her behaviour.

 

 

 

Why do you say that, is it because she was a flaky person?

 

Yes, what you wrote on the other thread showed her not to be a reliable and respectful person to have a relationship with. You didn't describe her in a good light in your other thread.

[Depressed]

Yes, what you wrote on the other thread showed her not to be a reliable and respectful person to have a relationship with. You didn't describe her in a good light in your other thread.

 

Even on our first date she was late for that too.

 

But she got progressively worse as time went on and her cancelling last minute got more common too and predictable. It got to the point where I felt that I couldn't plan anything with her because at the back of my mind I knew she couldn't and wouldn't fulfil her 'obligation' to go places with me. It was basically her way or no way.

[SherrySher]

You're thinking about this all backwards. Her looks were out of your league? What does looks have to do with anything?

 

You can find the nastiest, most vile people who are so called "good looking" and they aren't worth your spit.

 

What matters is how they behave, morals, how loyal they are, how good of a heart they have,etc.

 

I wished people's looks were reflected by whats inside, it would give a far better picture of who they are.

 

Far too many being confused by "good looking" people who are ugly on the inside and the worst kind of people to be with.

[Depressed]

You're thinking about this all backwards. Her looks were out of your league? What does looks have to do with anything?

 

You can find the nastiest, most vile people who are so called "good looking" and they aren't worth your spit.

 

What matters is how they behave, morals, how loyal they are, how good of a heart they have,etc.

 

I wished people's looks were reflected by whats inside, it would give a far better picture of who they are.

 

Far too many being confused by "good looking" people who are ugly on the inside and the worst kind of people to be with.

 

I just meant that she did have a good heart up until she cheated on me and that he looks made her even more attractive to me.

 

I really do love her but think I made the right decision to dump her because if I had stayed then that would be condoning her behaviour.

[Depressed]

Ok, so last night I got a text out of the blue from my ex saying "Can't we still be on talking terms?" I responded yes sure and then she responded stating once again that she 'didn't cheat and that she didn't do anything'.

 

What would you make of it, is she trying to get back with me?

[Wiseman2]

Delete and block her from all social media and messaging apps asap. Stay no contact. Why would you even want contact or worse, take her back? Do you miss the sex?

last night I got a text out of the blue from my ex saying "Can't we still be on talking terms?" I responded yes sure.

[SherrySher]

Oh my god, seriously?

 

That is all she is ever going to do is to justify her actions. She feels absolutely no guilt. She thinks she had a right to be involved with this man and that you should look the other way.

 

She is an incredibly selfish person.

 

Can you not see that?

 

Delete/block. Nothing else will work.

[Depressed]

Delete and block her from all social media and messaging apps asap. Stay no contact. Why would you even want contact or worse, take her back? Do you miss the sex?

 

Part of me misses her and of course her messaging like this has totally put a spin on things, just when I was beginning to forget about her and move on, now a flood of emotions have come rushing back.

 

Naturally I'm wondering why she is even messaging me like this, maybe to play mind games and continue to play the victim and deny it?

 

Oh my god, seriously?

 

That is all she is ever going to do is to justify her actions. She feels absolutely no guilt. She thinks she had a right to be involved with this man and that you should look the other way.

 

She is an incredibly selfish person.

 

Can you not see that?

 

Delete/block. Nothing else will work.

 

Seriously yes, she did message me!

 

I think you are right and if this is all she will do to explain her actions, then that tells me that she is not emotionally mature for a relationship and that is surprising given the fact that she is 42 and not say 22!

 

It's all making sense now and the picture becoming clearer with her selfish ways, I knew she was selfish to an extent when I was with her but to blatantly continue like this once I ended it just speaks volumes about her.

[SherrySher]

The thing is...you've spent time apart from each other. The relationship has ended. If she had any remorse what so ever, now would be the time.

 

She has none.

 

She kept his number, she got a hold of him, she allowed him to sext with her and the lied to you about who he was. She enjoyed him.

 

I don't think you need loads of people telling you what you should do here.

[Depressed]

The thing is...you've spent time apart from each other. The relationship has ended. If she had any remorse what so ever, now would be the time.

 

She has none.

 

She kept his number, she got a hold of him, she allowed him to sext with her and the lied to you about who he was. She enjoyed him.

 

I don't think you need loads of people telling you what you should do here.

 

Time apart and not being with your other half is of course going to stunt anyone and you'll start to overthink things and make a lot of decisions etc whilst you have the time and space to analyse. She hasn't shown one shred of remorse in this time for her actions and it is no different to how I confronted her that morning when I discovered the messages on her phone, just the same couldn't care less attitude.

 

That is what angered me was not only did she keep his number for the entire time of our relationship, but she lied to me months ago about who he was! She was keeping him essentially as a safety net and now had her cake and eat it. She went out of her way to contact him, she didn't once tell him to stop when he started getting crude and sexual with his messages, when she could and should have told him that she had a boyfriend and to then block and delete his number. This was all entirely voluntary behaviour on he part and premeditated.

[Wiseman2]

Part of me misses her and of course her messaging like this has totally put a spin on things

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk

[SherrySher]

She doesn't feel bad. She's the type of person who can't see that she did anything wrong. It's not her feelings that got hurt, so she truly does not care.

 

And you're right, she kept him as a back up, she texted him to make sure he still wanted her. All the while she smiled and lied to your face.

 

This is who she is.

 

You deserve better, she's never going to change. She thinks she has a right to how she treats people.

[Depressed]

She doesn't feel bad. She's the type of person who can't see that she did anything wrong. It's not her feelings that got hurt, so she truly does not care.

 

And you're right, she kept him as a back up, she texted him to make sure he still wanted her. All the while she smiled and lied to your face.

 

This is who she is.

 

You deserve better, she's never going to change. She thinks she has a right to how she treats people.

 

Even with evidence presented to her, she still cannot admit what she did was wrong nor show any shred of remorse/compassion to me in return. Instead, I get made to feel like it was my fault - what's that all about?

 

If I do wrong, then I always hold my hands up to it and admit it and do what I can to rectify the situation.

 

She knew what she was doing the whole time she was messaging him, she thought she'd never be caught and discovered but she was stupid enough to leave her phone that one time next to the bed and as a result I have now exposed her.

 

Everyone keeps saying I deserve better, and I know that I do, but part of my wants to try and get her professional help to combat her lying and infidelity - but of course never in a million years would she agree to it because she 'hasn't done anything wrong' according to her.

 

If the roles were reversed, then by heck as like sure she would be spitting feathers at me and calling me all the names under the sun!

[SherrySher]

You can't force someone to be what you want them to be.

 

I think that's the hardest part of breaking up, you can see the good parts in this person but you can't deny the bad. You want them to desperately be the person you thought they were, but no matter what you do...they just aren't.

 

You know she won't ever admit fault. She doesn't see it as bad. She wanted her cake and to eat it too and she has no bad feelings over it.

 

If she truly loved you and respected you, she would have gotten rid of that guy long long time ago. She didn't. That should tell you something loud and clear.

 

If you stay with her or go back to her, she will cheat again. She likes other mens attentions besides yours.

It's a sad fact you can't deny.

 

The only thing you can do now is come to terms with it all and let it go. It is going to be hard, but she will never be what you need.

[Depressed]

You can't force someone to be what you want them to be.

 

I think that's the hardest part of breaking up, you can see the good parts in this person but you can't deny the bad. You want them to desperately be the person you thought they were, but no matter what you do...they just aren't.

 

You know she won't ever admit fault. She doesn't see it as bad. She wanted her cake and to eat it too and she has no bad feelings over it.

 

If she truly loved you and respected you, she would have gotten rid of that guy long long time ago. She didn't. That should tell you something loud and clear.

 

If you stay with her or go back to her, she will cheat again. She likes other mens attentions besides yours.

It's a sad fact you can't deny.

 

The only thing you can do now is come to terms with it all and let it go. It is going to be hard, but she will never be what you need.

 

It's all part of the honeymoon stage wearing off in my opinion, you start to see what a person is really like after that stage. That's when the notable flaws become apparent etc. and can be a tester to decide on whether you can put up with it or not.

 

I do know that she will never change, she is who she is and is set in her ways - her true nature has now been revealed. She wasn't mature enough to talk to me about the supposed 'problems' and therefore resorted to the cowards way out of it by sneaking behind my back. She didn't expect to be caught though. She has no conscience, otherwise she would have put a stop to her seedy behaviour.

 

You are spot on, if she did love me as she said she did, then yes she would be told this guy to do one long ago. That tells me that she is untrustworthy, she's a liar, she's deceptive and she is selfish.

[boltnrun]

So...why haven't you blocked her?

 

No, blocking isn't "immature" or "harsh" or "unnecessary".

 

Despite all the evidence you have of her unsavory nature, do you still hold onto hope you two will reconcile? Because if not, I see absolutely no reason to keep the lines of communication open.

[Depressed]

So...why haven't you blocked her?

 

No, blocking isn't "immature" or "harsh" or "unnecessary".

 

Despite all the evidence you have of her unsavory nature, do you still hold onto hope you two will reconcile? Because if not, I see absolutely no reason to keep the lines of communication open.

 

I haven't blocked her because I simply can't bring myself to just yet. Plus I still have some of my things to collect from her house.

 

If I were to block her then of course that would aid the moving on process, but for now I can't do that.

 

There is a small part of me that wants to reconcile, BUT it would have to be entirely on my terms with her seeking professional therapy if required. On the other hand, part of me doesn't want to get back with her because I now know her true nature and it's the ugly side of her which I don't like. In a nutshell, I know deep down that I need to cut her out of my life completely, but for now it's easier said than done. And I know I ain't helping myself that way.