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Am I making the right choice?


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Hi all,

 

Some of you know about my relationship issue but in a nutshell, my girlfriend of about 7 months left me out of the blue; said "I did nothing wrong", "we just aren't compatible", things like that. She at first wanted to take a break for a month, which I waited out. Then when the end of the month hit, she ended up leaving me. I was devastated, and I still am dealing with depression since then.

 

We met about a week ago at a coffee shop; she actually proposed us meeting. I went there dressed nice, even bought her a rose before we went inside. She told me that she met me to bring me some "closure", but didn't hint at the idea of us getting back together. She told me she still wanted to see me and hang out with me, but I don't know if I want to do that if it's just going to be a friendzone kind of thing; I will only hang out with her if it means the possibility of us reconciling.

 

So now I'm on the fence. I have a video messaged saved that I haven't sent to her, pretty much giving her two choices: 1) we have a hope at reconciling and I remain in contact with her, or 2) if there is no hope, she's never going to hear from me again. I can't see us being anything less than a couple, and I can't accept a friendship, because my feelings are too strong for her. So therefore, if she doesn't want a relationship with me, I'm going to completely cut contact with her and never talk to her again. I have to move on for my own well being because this is killing me.

 

I am torn up by this whole thing. If she truly didn't want to reconcile, am I making the right decision to completely cut contact with her? Would any of you all do the same thing? Thank you all.

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Yes remain no contact it's better for you to help you focus on other things and get moving on with your life, and sometimes the dumper sees the dumpee moving on and the air of mystery sets in and they start missing the dumpee and they come looking- but don't go no contact to try to get this sort of response- that will never work because at best you are manipulating the other person into a certain behavior that will be temporary at best- any reconciliation based on a "no contact" strategy employed by the dumper will almost certainly fail after the dumper realizes they had good reasons for leaving in the first place and any remorse was just temporary.

 

After you finish reading my post please immediately delete that very lame video message you are actually thinking of sending her. Some day you will understand why and be very glad you didn't send it.

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This is hard to accept, but there is zero indication that she is interested in having a relationship with you at this point. I'd higly recommend that, as you have posted, tell her that you cannot accept friendship and thus will leave her be and move on.

 

Chances are that there is another guy somewhere, just a hunch though. When ladies get confused and say things like "you did nothing wrong"... that's a bad sign IMHO. Anyway, that's pure speculation on my part. But your best bet right now is to completely disappear and move on.

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After you finish reading my post please immediately delete that very lame video message you are actually thinking of sending her. Some day you will understand why and be very glad you didn't send it.

 

Why should I not send it? I mean me sending it will provide me closure to move on, knowing there is absolutely no hope left in sight for us to get back together.

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Why should I not send it? I mean me sending it will provide me closure to move on, knowing there is absolutely no hope left in sight for us to get back together.

She alread tried to give you closure by meeting with you. The video will do nothing for you, except wanting a response... a response that may never come, or one that is not desired. I'd also not send it. If you need to have a final word, I'd call instead. You never know where that video might end up or who else might see it... something worth considering.

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Because it's really lame and weak even pathetic. It almost comes across as begging. She doesn't want to be with you anymore. At least, not in any serious capacity. Grab your remaining self esteem, get up off the ground, dust the sand off and WALK AWAY. Just fall off the radar as far as she's concerned. If she contacts you say "Sorry not really interested in doing the whole "friends with ex's thing, it just doesn't work for me". Hanging out with her as a friend DECREASES your chance of reconciling. You're too available, attainable, cooperative, etc.. sort of like a dog that follows its master around waiting for a treat.

 

You don't realize it now but if you send that text sooner or later you'll bury your head in your hands and say "Why did I send that what was I thinking??".

 

It might help if you put yourself in her shoes. Say you're the dumper and you get that video from the person you really don't want to be with anymore. It's basically an ultimatum that carries no weight.

 

Sort of like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep saying "I either get to stay up late or I get to eat cookies which one is it going to be?". It's going to be neither, get your a$$ to bed.

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Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.

The good thing about strangers on the internet is, they have no stake in your situation whatsoever and so they can tell you straight up what they think. The bad thing about strangers on the internet is that they are strangers... Definitely talk with your friends and family about your situation! Good luck out there!

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Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.

 

2 months ago you posted this:

 

Too late to walk away, she already did that. That's why I feel so stupid that I allowed her to do this to me, I should have walked away when she told me she wanted a break.

 

You said the same thing I'm saying now. Walk away.

 

You won't get better advice than this off the internet.

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Mack,

 

It sounds like definite friend zone stuff from her. That will be toxic for you - you won't start to heal and move forwards until you get out of her orbit. So you are on the right track to refuse "friendship". I could go on and on about how continuing friendship helps the dumper , but TLDR - there is nothing good in that friendship for you.

 

If you want to send a communication, I agree with Norm and others - delete the video and send this short text instead-

 

"This is not what I wanted, but I am not going to hang around being your friend. If you ever rethink things give me a call."

 

Do not expect a response. If she drops breadcrumbs on you, ignore them.

 

So the answer to your questions are - Yes, you are doing the right thing in cutting all ties, and I did exactly that.

 

Do a youtube search for dating guy, and listen to some of his videos. He explains the No Contact process very well. Do not pay any money to any of the slick "ex-back" program sellers.

 

And if you can't decide what to do - do nothing. If you do nothing you won't make a mistake. [/superdave]

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I agree with the others, dont send that video. It cant be undone once you hit Send and you have no idea where it will end up. You dont want to appear as begging her.

 

She is basically done with you unless you want to be a friend, and you dont want that, which is good. We here arent all wrong or crazy, many of us have been where you are. Best advice is to block, delete, work on moving on.

 

You give yourself closure, she doesnt give it to you. Call that crisis group if you think it'll help but I bet they tell you much the same as we have.

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Cutting contact sounds like the best idea. Also you don’t have to explain to her why you are doing it. I know a lot of people not just girls that use this as a way to keep the door open and even if something happens in the future she will always maintain that she told you that she didn’t want to get back together. The best thing to do is let her realise what she has given up and she can’t do that unless you actually take yourself away from her. Trust me I have been there you will never get over her by staying in contact.

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Don’t send the video. It could come back to bite you in the bum in the future! You don’t know who could get their hands on this video and what they’ll do with it.

 

Trust me, OP, you will kick yourself somewhere down the line if you send this video.

 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen threads on here, where people posted how much they regretted the ways in which they handled a break-up (i.e. - begging, pleading) and how they wish they could take it back. They didn’t ever think they’d get over the break-up, so they begged and pleaded, sent numerous texts, and would call their ex umpteen times.

 

Yet in time, they did get over their ex and saw the forest for the trees.

 

You will too; you just have to give yourself an opportunity to do so.

 

Cut off contact!

 

Speak with family and friends, but I can’t see any one of them, who has your best interests at heart, encouraging you to send this video.

 

Also, keep in mind that a lot of us here are speaking from personal experience. I have no doubt that many people on this forum (and in this thread) have an ex who, at one time, they never thought they’d get over. But they did!

 

All I can say is, I know this is hard, but no contact is the best way to go right now. Give yourself time and you’ll see what we mean. Don’t hesitate to turn to your friends and family for support, if need be.

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Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.

 

Mack, not sure what has gone on with ENA of late, but seems the “catharticness” has all but disappeared. I’m with you with this statement.

 

Have you ever thought that your ex misses you, but not enough to actually get back together? So by meeting up with you, she kind of gets what she needs without any sort of commitment. Meanwhile, you are interpreting it as a chance of a rekindling of the relationship.

 

I’m with the others regarding the video. Send a nice gesture like this to someone who loves you, not someone like this. If you absolutely need to speak to her, give her a call or meet with her, not something that can be saved forever. Also, I don’t think you are not really in a position to give her an ultimatum. However, if you must, and it is what you need to move on, you could just tell her, you are not really interested in friendship given your history and leave it at that.

 

Sorry to hear this. Getting dumped sucks.

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Mack, not sure what has gone on with ENA of late, but seems the “catharticness” has all but disappeared. I’m with you with this statement.

 

Have you ever thought that your ex misses you, but not enough to actually get back together? So by meeting up with you, she kind of gets what she needs without any sort of commitment. Meanwhile, you are interpreting it as a chance of a rekindling of the relationship.

 

I’m with the others regarding the video. Send a nice gesture like this to someone who loves you, not someone like this. If you absolutely need to speak to her, give her a call or meet with her, not something that can be saved forever. Also, I don’t think you are not really in a position to give her an ultimatum. However, if you must, and it is what you need to move on, you could just tell her, you are not really interested in friendship given your history and leave it at that.

 

Sorry to hear this. Getting dumped sucks.

 

Thank you. I decided I'm not going to send the video.

 

She has been sending me breadcrumb text messages lately; today she sent me one of her at the gym, and I haven't responded to it. What I have decided to do now, is I'm going to call her or FaceTime her, and pretty much ask her "do you want to be with me, or not?" If she says that it'll continue to be a friendzone kind of relationship, that's going to be it; she will never hear from me again. That will provide me with the closure that I need, and close the wound in my emotions. It will help knowing that I tried, but I can't control what her thoughts are. I want everyone to know that I understand the whole "move on", "there's someone out there for you", "there's plenty of fish in the sea", ideas, but keep in mind that I cared deeply for this woman, and I still do. It's hard for me just to move on and find someone else. I literally cannot see potential in any other woman that I lay eyes on. I was at the bar last night, and this woman I had just met was flirting with me very heavily, and she even asked me to go home with her and "hook up". I turned that offer down. I don't do the whole one night stand ballgame, that's way beyond my standards. If I'm going to be with a woman, I have to be romantically involved with her 100%, it's all or nothing, and since I did not see any potential in this woman I met at the bar, I did not bring things any further, so I up and left the bar and went back to my apartment.

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Mack, not sure what has gone on with ENA of late, but seems the “catharticness” has all but disappeared. I’m with you with this statement.

 

Have you ever thought that your ex misses you, but not enough to actually get back together? So by meeting up with you, she kind of gets what she needs without any sort of commitment. Meanwhile, you are interpreting it as a chance of a rekindling of the relationship.

 

I’m with the others regarding the video. Send a nice gesture like this to someone who loves you, not someone like this. If you absolutely need to speak to her, give her a call or meet with her, not something that can be saved forever. Also, I don’t think you are not really in a position to give her an ultimatum. However, if you must, and it is what you need to move on, you could just tell her, you are not really interested in friendship given your history and leave it at that.

 

Sorry to hear this. Getting dumped sucks.

 

Because we dont condone unhealthy behaviors?

 

Because our advise isnt centered on how to dig deeper into a bad mindset?

 

Im sorry youre in pain but you really got get your head out of the sand girl.

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Thank you. I decided I'm not going to send the video.

 

She has been sending me breadcrumb text messages lately; today she sent me one of her at the gym, and I haven't responded to it. What I have decided to do now, is I'm going to call her or FaceTime her, and pretty much ask her "do you want to be with me, or not?" If she says that it'll continue to be a friendzone kind of relationship, that's going to be it; she will never hear from me again. That will provide me with the closure that I need, and close the wound in my emotions. It will help knowing that I tried, but I can't control what her thoughts are. I want everyone to know that I understand the whole "move on", "there's someone out there for you", "there's plenty of fish in the sea", ideas, but keep in mind that I cared deeply for this woman, and I still do. It's hard for me just to move on and find someone else. I literally cannot see potential in any other woman that I lay eyes on. I was at the bar last night, and this woman I had just met was flirting with me very heavily, and she even asked me to go home with her and "hook up". I turned that offer down. I don't do the whole one night stand ballgame, that's way beyond my standards. If I'm going to be with a woman, I have to be romantically involved with her 100%, it's all or nothing, and since I did not see any potential in this woman I met at the bar, I did not bring things any further, so I up and left the bar and went back to my apartment.

 

Well to be fair rebounding very rarely works and has the tendency to do exactly as you said and causes one to cling to the memory of an ex even harder. You not going NC and her bread crumbing also would logically explain your mindset.

 

What doesn’t make sense is why ask if your mind was already made up? So you didn’t send the video you still seem he’ll bent on pouring your heart out to her.

 

It’s your life and your prerogative. Again, just not understanding why you felt the need to ask advice.

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You are very addicted to your ex, Once she gives you taste you will crave more and more and more until she stops and then what? you will go insane! Yeah man it sucks but this is only a start of the journey to come..... I was with my ex for 7 years, 3 married before she ran off off with another guy from her work and immediately started a family like I never existed... it sucks but I have no choice but to move on in life whether i like it or not...

 

being dumped sucks big time but it makes you stronger ad wiser in the long run...

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1) we have a hope at reconciling and I remain in contact with her,

 

Nope. Just the opposite. If you want any hope of reconciling, fly of of her radar and leave her alone. She'll either reflect on you fondly someday and entertain the idea of reconciling or not, but sticking around to hover in the hope that this would bring about a desire to reconcile is smothering and just plain 'yuck'.

 

You either own self respect, or you don't. No self respecting person will hang out on the periphery of another's life waiting for scraps. Skip that, because it demo's a lack of self respect, and if you don't respect yourself, nobody else will, either. And no respect equals no love. Period.

 

I'd rather trust that if the two of you were ever a meant to be deal, you'll both meet again on higher ground someday. But you'll both need to reach that place on your own. So focus instead on how to reach your own higher ground. Make it a goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to build an excellent future for yourself. Then you'll be better positioned to cross paths with your ex again from a whole new 'high ground' perspective that you can't fathom until you get there.

 

Head high.

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