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I’ve been a long time reader of this site, but decided, after last night, that I needed to post my thoughts. I need to see and read for myself why I let someone into my life and then let them completely ruin me. I became that pathetic, low self worth woman everyone talks about and I am disgusted with myself. I am disgusted that I let him string me along for so long when there were so many warning signs.

 

Yesterday I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost two years. The relationship started off well- I truly thought he was the one, but then I soon began to see the side of him that he did not show me. He suffers from depression/previous suicide attempts and I soon became the victim of his outbursts. He broke up with me in January of 2018 when we took our first trip together- to the mountains (the was an awful 4 hours car ride home where I begged him to stay, which he did). There were still bumps along the way and then he decided to break up with me on my birthday this coming august for similar reasons regarding is depression. Again we struggled to make things work. I guess in my mind I just kept assuring myself that it’s the depression talking. I kept thinking about how amazing he was for the first 6 months of the relationship.

 

This christmas day, we got into another argument because his depression made him lash out at his mom, who I was rather fond of. It got to the point where, while he was driving us back home, he pulled into a wal-mart parking lot and threatened to drop me off and leave me there. I was able to convince him otherwise....and so the cycle continued.

 

And then came last night...his depression/outbursts reached a whole new level and he took my keys from me, locked himself in the second bedroom at our rented apartment and prevented me from leaving for hours. I wanted to leave- I had my bags packed to stay with my dad. He ignored my cries and pleas to give me my keys....and what he eventually did was throw them off the 4th floor of the condo and I had to go digging through the snow to find them.

 

Now I am staying at my dads till he gets his stuff out of the condo. After yesterday I am too scared to go back. I thought I was a strong, independent woman who was financially stable, had a great job, great family, but after reading what I just wrote above over and over again...I am not. I am embarrassed. I do not want to tell my friends or family everything that has happened- they know bits and pieces but not everything. I do not want them to know how foolish I was for so long. So I came here, in hopes someone can lend some kind words.

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Yesterday I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost two years.

Kudos to you for seeing the light and breaking up with him!! Instead of beating yourself up, be proud that you found the strength and courage to finally do what's right for you and breaking up with a very toxic individual.

 

I know you're hurting, but you did the right thing. Surround yourself with your closest most trustworthy friends, and your family for support. Ask your dad for help if you need to go back to your condo - don't go on your own.

 

You did the right thing!

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Sounds like he is with you because of your niceness and stability. He is way to volatile for a normal relationship. You basically have to look in the mirror and think of yourself as you are: a successful stable person. The longer you put up with his abuse, the more damage he will do to your confidence.

 

Who care about what other people think, just get him out of your life and be safe.

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That’s great you were able to get out of the relationship and this situation, it sounds like it was rather scary, no one should be locking you in anywhere, how scary. You recognized it was unhealthy and you helped yourself get out. Keep yourself safe at your dads house. If you do have to go back to the condo, bring your dad or someone else with you.

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First of all don't beat yourself up for trying to make it work. You were in love and loved this man despite his issues so you hung in there (probably longer than you should have) and tried to make it work. There is nothing to be ashamed about in that.

 

His depression is an excuse he is using for horrible behavior. You did not cause any of this and you tried your best so lift your head up and be proud that you took the high road through all this.

 

Being in love sometimes allows our hearts to make poor choices but eventually our logical mind wins the battle and we decide to get out. It took a little bit for you to get there but you did the right thing.

 

I agree you need to confide in close friends and family so they can rally around you just like you would rally around them. Let them in and you will feel loved and hopeful.

 

Lost

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Whose place is it? Get him out asap. Change the locks. Get a restraining order. He is abusive. Delete and block him and all his people.from all messaging and social media. You need to stop protecting him that the sham that this abusive relationship is. You need to tell your friends and family. Don't be brainwashed into thinking you should feel shame for his twisted abuse.

Yesterday I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost two years. I am staying at my dads till he gets his stuff out of the condo. I do not want to tell my friends or family everything that has happened.

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Thank you for all who have responded. I do appreciate it. Its day 2? And its s struggle. I feel empty and lost. I hate when my mind wanders to him. I wish everything wouldve been different. I'm 27, nearing 28 and I see all around me my friends getting engaged or married and now I'm back to square one. It just feels like I wont find anyone.

 

To answer some questions from above; the condo is rented but is under both of our names. The lease isn't up until March but I have somewhere else to stay till then if he wont leave earlier (since technically he can legally stay there till march). I have blocked him on all phone calls/social media etc.

 

Another question I have, how do you keep your mind busy? How do you keep it away from him? I work a pretty physically/mentally demanding job as an icu nurse but what about the down times?. How do I keep moving forward when there seems to be so many hurdles? So many things to think about regarding the condo, etc.

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You are human and your mind will wonder to thoughts that are not helpful. It happens to all of us.

 

Second guessing, the what if's, maybe I was expecting to much? and on and on. Let all that go, you are doing the right thing for you and your life.

 

Staying busy is key in times like this. There will always be times when your mind wonders but there is a trick I used that worked pretty well for me. When I found myself thinking about stuff I couldn't change or thoughts that were not helpful I would ask myself "What good is coming from this?" the answer was always nothing so it would help me stop the cycle and move onto other thoughts. To distract myself I would try and remember all the words to some of my old favorite songs and sing it in my head. Silly but it worked.

 

Friends and family need to be your support system right now. Don't pester them with constant phone calls every time you feel down but do engage with them. I would bet good money during this relationship you spoke to and saw your friends and family far less than you should have so reverse that situation. I am sure they would love to see or hear from you. Perhaps you could offer to babysit or suggest dinner with a few friends.

 

The heart and mind can be stubborn and many times we start thinking our lives will never be good because we haven't found the ONE yet. Make your life great for you, make plans with the people in your life and live that life to show your heart and mind that yes my life is good and getting better each day.

 

The unknown is always the thing that haunts us so take charge of as much of your life as possible and many of your doubts will fade. Once you are in a good place in your life love will find you...

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

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Don't expect him to give up easily and go away quietly.

 

Expect him to bombard you with flowers, apologies, excuses, and promises never to do it again.

 

Stay strong. Past actions speak volumes, words alone say almost nothing. Roses don't make it ok.

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Thanks again for the replies! It's been a week now. I'm in the phase of being super angry. I've been staying with my dad. Went back to the condo to deliver my notice that I wouldn't be renewing the lease come March. I found out his car was in the parking lot ( when he shouldve been at work). I come to find out he put himself on "medical leave" and he is blaming me for everything, which pisses me off. He says I domt know what he is going through...I am angry. He abused me, he threatened me, he broke me and I'm supposedly to blame.

 

He is so blind to see he has issues that ruined the relationship. I am pretty certain he has some sort of personality disorder. He even stated that he stopped taking his depression medications cause he "likes how his mind thinks and doesnt want medications to dampen those thoughts"...

 

I'm lucky enough that I have good friends and family that are going to move my stuff out next week. I've told him not to be there. I finally told most of my friends and family what truly happened and what has been happening for the past few months. I felt sad telling them this, admitting how broken I am and how pathetic I was to stay for so long. He is still just trying to ruin my life. I am trying to move forward, making appointments to look into buying my first home but I feel he will just try to hang on. I have blocked him on everything. Sigh...I wish I never met him.

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Hello again...the drama continues. So this past weekend hi DAD texted me this little number....

 

"Please forgive this text as even as I write it I know how selfish it seems.

I've spent much of the past few days at the apartment with him and I'm truly scared.

If you are able to even open some sort of dialogue with him I can honestly see a potential for great change.

The last thing I want is to add any pain on you, but I am literally and figuratively feeling at the end of my rope.

If you can find it in your heart to see a more positive outcome than I fear than I would appreciate this effort".

 

I was fuming when I read this. I couldn't believe his own parents who know his issues would even think to send me this. I sent this to his dad....

 

'I'm sorry to hear that this is affecting you as well. I have given ***** numerous chances and he never changes. I have also said to him many times why this is the way it has to be. It is on him to not accept it. I need to move on with my life. If you are worried about his health/safety then you need to take the steps necessary to admit him into hospital or have him stay at your place. I have blocked his number for a reason. I do not need him blowing up my phone while I am at work. He became very abusive near the end and I will not tolerate that. He damaged walls in the apartment, stalked me, and threw my keys off the balcony...Opening up dialogue will only place in his mind this false belief that he and I will get back together.

 

I will be moving my furniture out of the apartment on the 19th and 20th with friends and family. I have told him the same. I would appreciate if you would ensure that he is also not there at that time. I have tried to give him money 4 times to assist him in moving out but he will not accept it. Again, I am sorry about this but I need to move on with my life."

 

This is getting exhausting. It's hard to stay focused at work...and I work in a stressful environment as is. I dont want to have to inform my manager of the situation....nurses/nurse managers arent the best at keeping things on the low down. Im embarrassed enough about all of this without adding more people to the situation. He still keeps blowing up my phone...his number is blocked but it still appears in ny recent call log as auto rejected. I just dont know what else to do other than change my number or get a restraining order.

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Abuse and manipulation go hand-in-hand. Do not communicate with him or any of his people. Delete and block them all. Focus exclusively on the logistics of severing all ties and most of all getting your stuff out if there before he trashes it.

 

Get an attorney or help from local law enforcement if you need to. After you get your stuff, get a cease and desist and restraining order against him and any of his abuse-by-proxy pawns. Enlist the help of your friends and family and stop taking the bait and communicate with his pawns.

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Your reply to his dad was perfect! Straight and to the point. He should NOT contact you again after you have explained it all so clearly. Should either the dad or your now ex continue to contact you, you should seriously consider filing for a restraining order (imo). Keep a paper trail of every single text message they send you.

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  • 1 month later...

I know it has been a while since I last posted, but I feel lost and sad. I feel like I cannot talk to my family or friends about my whole ordeal anymore. I feel like I've become a burden to them.

 

Since the last time I spoke regarding my ex things got bad. I involved a lawyer since the ex decided he was gonna stay at the condo but didnt feel he needed to pay all the rent. So I thought that was sorted, he paid for Feburarys rent and today for March he has not... Probably just saying a big f*** you to me I suppose. It seems that this just keeps getting worse and I'm constantly stressed. When I tell my friends and family they just seem annoyed, telling me to "not worry." Seems easy for them to say when they weren't the ones being abused/tormented by a big a**hole. So now I just have to keep things to myself and just bottle up everything inside cause no one cares about my situation. I've been doing as much self care as I can...working out, doing yoga, looking for a house to buy and reflecting on why I choose the wrong guys.

 

It seems that every step I take forward I get a giant shove backwards. I just feel so alone and I really feel like I am cursed and no one wants anything to do with me...they just pity me. My lawyer, who was also a family friend suddenly passed away a few weeks ago. Like I feel like my luck is horrific. Who gets a lawyer and then their lawyer dies only weeks later. Ugh. Supposedly they are in the midst of getting a replacement for me but I feel that my ex knows about his passing and is using the death of my lawyer as leverage...hence the not paying me today.

 

I just cannot seem to get a break. I'm just counting down till the condo lease is done in the end of March and I hope this gets me to fully move on. I fear I wont get the money owing from March and he will damage the place so that I wont get my security deposit.

 

 

This whole situation really makes me never want to date again. My friends have informed me that my ex is on numerous dating sites...I pity the girl who gets with him next. I dont know how he is doing as I have not spoke to him since early jan but it feels like he has his life going for him and I'm just stuck in this massive rut and I dont know if it is me causing all of this or just horrific luck. He broke me down and I now feel that if I ever do find myself in a place to begin dating again I wont trust my judgement. I guess maybe it is best if I just stay alone....

Edited by veronicagab
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Hi Veronica* - I just read your thread and wanted to drop a couple of notes.

 

Firstly I'm so sorry you've had to endure this but as others have said, thank GOD you got out! None of us would want to see you posting that you want to fix this...!

 

On my own journey of recovery I started researching narcissistic abuse and you my dear have definitely been narcissistically abused! The bad news is it can take quite a while to recover. But again, you've taken the first step and got out.

 

I too have lost pretty much all of my community as noone wants to hear about it anymore. But it's also that they just don't know what to say. They don't know how to help....A common pitfall as like I say, it can take a while and after some time they have to move on with their own lives.

 

A big channel on YouTube about narcissistic or emotional abuse recovery is Melanie Tonia Evans. Perhaps look it up...

 

She refers to these friends and family as Angels In Disguise because it actually forces us to turn inwards to ourselves which is where the real healing needs to take place.

 

You will date again when you're ready. Actually a good thing that you put that aside for now though as you get your life back on track.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about 'everyone else' getting engaged etc... I'm probably a bit of a cynic these days but sadly not all of those relationships will go the distance.

 

Also, don't beat yourself up too much. You gave it a red hot go and you can take solace in that. Like me you can walk away knowing you did the absolute best you could and be proud of that*

 

Perhaps you will lose some money in regards to the rental but in the long run it's only money and won't really matter.

 

I would also like to add that I have quite bad Complicated Grief/ Depression, CPTSD and severe anhedonia but I would never lash out or put that on my partner if I had one. So that is just an excuse and he has other deep seated issues going on....

 

In the meantime, take good care of your health and yourself. Eat and sleep the best you can. Try some meditation. Go for walks etc...

 

Stay Strong. This won't last forever*

 

You are not alone*

 

Love and Light*

 

Carus*

Edited by Carus
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Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I do appreciate it. I have been watching some of the videos you suggested, which have been eye opening. I think I'm also going to start looking into seeing a therapist to get at the roots of why my self worth is so low to accept guys like my ex. I "know" I'm a catch...I have a great career, family, friends, have hobbies but I still dont have that self worth/confidence that I should have.

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Quite a weird thing isn't it? It's mostly rejection based....

 

We know we're a good catch. We have friends and family that love and care about us....yet the rejection by that ONE person seems to override all of that..(?)

 

I might put up a video about that very topic :)

 

Hope you have a good day*

 

Carus*

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