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Why does it hurt so much a year later? like it just hit me.


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I cannot even to begin to describe this ride. We were together for 6 and a half years of (lived together for 5) . He was the guy who saved me from my narcissist ex., put me through business school so we could be together in NYC. The break up was almost a year ago - The pain and work stress post break up were so unbearable I quit my NYC job and moved back home to Canada for a while. I was finally getting better.

 

I ended up getting a job in Florida in November, in the town we built a vacation home. I will spare everyone the whole story for now, but I have been so upset in the last few days to the point my teeth are chattering. I made the mistake of googling him and saw him in a photo with a woman from our old neighborhood arm in arm at a charity event. I also drove past our old place (unfortunately on my way to work) and saw children playing at his house. We didn’t have kids and they are not the kids of the new woman.

 

My thoughts are haunting me. I cannot sleep because all I can think about are the vacations, dinners and good times we had. I’ve pretty much been in NC since we broke up. I was doing decently since the move, but now have regressed to severe upset. I thought moving to one of my favorite sunny places in the world would cure me, but its done the opposite. I'm here with no family and basically no friends outside of my small office.

 

I feel like the breakup has just hit me. Has this ever happened to anyone? I was angry for the first 11 months, but now so depressed. We are done and I’m in shock.

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I made the mistake of googling him

You have recognized that it was a mistake already. Combine this with:

I also drove past our old place...

leading to:

My thoughts are haunting me

You're dwelling on the past and you have to recognize that and understand why you are doing it and then move past the old days.

It could be that because you moved to an area where you both spent time together, your memories are flooding back. If so, I'd take it for what it is and go though the motions as conscious as possible. Meaning not to interpret them as actual longing for the old relationship, but simply as a reminder of the old days.

 

I still, to this day, walk past the old apartment building where I used to live with why ex gf of 6 years (which ended 8 years ago). At first, it was really painful for me to walk past the building, but the more I did it, the more I coped and understood that it was just a building, just a place. I had made my peace with the place where we used to love and where she broke up with me. Maybe you can do the same, or just not go there anymore.

 

As for the googling on your ex... it can be the same thing, but it's not for everyone. Doing a daily google/fb on your ex is like putting your hand in the fire for a brief moment. It hurts, but it will subside and then you do it again (or don't)... until you realize that this man is just another person.

 

Oh and you don't have to do any of this alone. If you can find a friend who is willing to visit the street with you, and who is willing to stalk your ex with you... that alone already changes your perspective while doing it and can help you move forward.

 

I'm here with no family and basically no friends outside of my small office.

You could pick up a new hobby and get to know new people that way? Don't know how close you are to the people you work with and if you're willing to share that person experience with them...

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Did you break up with him, or did he break up with you?

 

I also drove past our old place (unfortunately on my way to work) and saw children playing at his house. We didn’t have kids and they are not the kids of the new woman.

 

Maybe he sold it and the new owners have kids. The simplest explanation is usually the most likely one.

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Seeking out information about exes is both addictive and painful. In the past, I let social media keep me invested in individuals who had long since moved on. After my last breakup, I made the decision to rid myself of all the photos of my most recent ex and got rid of social media for good. Social media simply became poison to me after breakups, and I didn't enjoy it very much otherwise. I have never regretted the decision and it's been about a year.

 

If you can't trust yourself not to peek, at least deactivate your Facebook and take a break. My guess is, you're thinking about your ex and comparing yourself to him because you haven't met someone new yet and your feeling lonely in a new place. This is just your bruised ego guiding your actions (which is completely normal), not your true feelings. Address any left over grief that may not have been dealt with and then refocus on moving forward. Loneliness is not a good reason to look back or revisit your past.

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Did you break up with him, or did he break up with you?

 

RayRay, he broke up with me. I was blindsided by the breakup. I really thought he was my forever person. His car was in the garage, so I know he is still there.

 

I am surprised at how upset I am a year later, like it happened yesterday. I have gone a year infuriated at him for the breakup which had me leave my home, friends, career, pension, family, car, etc. to start a new life with him in NYC and now in my 40s I have been stripped of everything.

 

I’m back to not wanting to eat, work out or get out of bed. I just want to be better. Funny, when I came to Florida for a brief visit to meet my new boss and check out apartments I was sure I was making the right decision.

Edited by sadchick83
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You could pick up a new hobby and get to know new people that way? Don't know how close you are to the people you work with and if you're willing to share that person experience with them...

 

ImWithCupid, I have our dog who is having separation anxiety so cannot be left alone. I take her to daycare every workday, but they close at 7:00pm, so I am homebound more the I want to be here in sunny Florida. I have just reached out to a friend (one of his friends - one of the only ones who actually reached out to me to say she was sorry to hear of the breakup). We are going to get together, but I have to careful because she is gossipy and I had to sign a non disparagement agreement when we broke up. She said my ex told her I was here. I was trying to keep a lid on my whereabouts.

 

I go Thursday evenings to Monday mornings speaking less than a few sentences to people (not including calling my Mom back in Canada). She is a fun woman, but will probably tell him everything. Im just so lonely, I need some human contact.

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Sorry this happened. Do not stay in FL or keep living in the past and standing in shadows. Reestablish and reinvent your own life back in Canada. life

moved back home to Canada for a while. I was finally getting better.

 

I ended up getting a job in Florida in November, in the town we built a vacation home. but now so depressed.

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I have to careful because she is gossipy and I had to sign a non disparagement agreement when we broke up. t.

 

So don't say anything disparaging.

 

I don't understand why you had to sign that anyway, but I don't know the circumstances. Maybe it was a term of your financial split or something.

 

Meeting with her is OK if she was a mutual friend, but make it clear you have zero interest in discussing the ex/break-up.

 

There are all sorts of reasons there might be friends' kids in the yard, don't overthink it.

 

Like wiseman says, it might be better to look for a job in Canada, and plow your own paddock.

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Sorry this happened. Do not stay in FL or keep living in the past and standing in shadows. Reestablish and reinvent your own life back in Canada. life

 

Wiseman2 I have to stay in the US because of a professional designation I have here in the US. I appreciate your response and there are some days when I just want to move back home with my mom and get a basic job and live with her. I will think about this when my lease is up.

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Thank you all for the responses. I'm still thinking about him constantly, but feeling a bit better today. Im going to try to meet up with the woman who was a mutual friend. I also invited a few girlfriends to come visit me. Hopefully, they will come. The holidays can be so tough for so many.

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Yeh, xmas/NY/holidays can really bring things to the surface.....

 

But you're doing the right things. Even if we feel pain and have ruminating thoughts we can still just do a few little things every day as our being processes this....

 

In fact I was going to comment on your OP. Sounds a bit to me like you didn't process it properly the first time which is why it's now resurfaced....

 

As Honeycomb* pointed out, 6 years is a long time and we become pretty fully bonded in that time. Emotionally AND Chemically......

 

Sounds like your anger has propped you up over the year, but yes, once the anger subsides you know what comes next... :-/

 

It's difficult and it's painful, but you gotta feel it to heal it.....

 

Have a good day Hun*

 

((Hugs))

 

Carus*

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So sorry, yes it is hard and esp when you refresh your memories and heart to him thru going to his town and house. Ya gotta let go, move on and get involved in things that keep your mind and heart busy. Go to groups, meetups, classes, there are so many that are free or low fee. Also, put your heart into something else like volunteering in your area of passion. Many churches have singles groups that go out together and have fun too without commitment. Best to you, you are worth growing more and caring for you.

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Thank you KimmyO, Carus, and Honeycomb! Carus, I think you are right. The anger propped me up for a year and I am finally out of shock and into mourning. All week I have been waking at 3:00am thinking of him. Funny today he emailed for the first time in months making sure I got his next check (part of the non disparagement agreement). I was going to be snarky in my response, but I basically just said “yes, I got it”.

 

Tonight I called my brother who I have not spoken to in ages. And KimmyO, I'm looking into art classes once work dies down a bit. Weekends are the worst because I literally have nothing to do, so for now I’m just reaching out to the few relatives I have to chat and catch up.

 

When you move for a love, you really so screw yourself. After breakup, had to leave job (could not really afford NYC), therefore lost friends, had to find new job, new house, and am away from Canadian family. Spent a ton of money as I am still paying for the apartment in NYC and in Florida. Its like every part of my life has turned upside-down.

 

Thank you again for your responses and enlightenment.

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Just sending my support sadchick83 as I am in a similar place. I am going through the breakup now 14 months later, how mad is that ha..?

Particularly since I ended the relationship one would not expect the level of grief I am experiencing.

It sounds really hard though that you moved and changed your life upside down and now rebuilding it, that is really challenging even if a breakup hadn't occurred. It also sounds very painful how you thought he was your forever person and had 'saved' you from a previous narcissist.

This is all a process that can be unpredictable, I agree with Carus that anger kept you going this past year and now pain has resurfaced, it is another phase you will have to go through, I am sorry you are hurting. It does sound though that you have demonstrated a lot of courage so try and hold on to that, you have been resilient throughout all this and you have the strength to overcome this phase too.

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Is this a regular monthly/weekly thing? Does it defray the costs of your living/moving expenses? Why can't you do things on weekends? Why not join some clubs or groups or volunteer? Why not get in shape and start a self improvement program inside and out? Update your look, new clothes, hair etc.

 

Update your social media. Delete and block dead weight including this ex. Review/reset your privacy settings. Post some recent interesting pics and upbeat posts. Reconnect with friends, family, schoolmates, alumni, former coworkers, etc. There is plenty to do on weekend besides looking up his social media and getting upset over pics of him with his new gf.

 

Get a nice profile and good recent pics up on some quality (paid) dating apps. Start messaging and meeting men for a low-key coffee/drink. Get out of inertia/victim mode and get the ball rolling for yourself.

 

Why not take some classes or courses such as fitness classes, yoga, tai chi, meditation, dancing, cooking, a language, financial planning, etc? Check local resources like the newspaper, town events, local library, local collages, online sources,etc. No reason to sit and mope all weekend. Get to a therapist if you can't pull yourself out of this victim, inertia, obsessed over him mode.

he emailed for the first time in months making sure I got his next check.

 

Weekends are the worst because I literally have nothing to do

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Thank you KimmyO, Carus, and Honeycomb! Carus, I think you are right. The anger propped me up for a year and I am finally out of shock and into mourning. All week I have been waking at 3:00am thinking of him. Funny today he emailed for the first time in months making sure I got his next check (part of the non disparagement agreement). I was going to be snarky in my response, but I basically just said “yes, I got it”.

 

Tonight I called my brother who I have not spoken to in ages. And KimmyO, I'm looking into art classes once work dies down a bit. Weekends are the worst because I literally have nothing to do, so for now I’m just reaching out to the few relatives I have to chat and catch up.

 

When you move for a love, you really so screw yourself. After breakup, had to leave job (could not really afford NYC), therefore lost friends, had to find new job, new house, and am away from Canadian family. Spent a ton of money as I am still paying for the apartment in NYC and in Florida. Its like every part of my life has turned upside-down.

 

Thank you again for your responses and enlightenment.

 

I’m still not understanding whh an ex, not even an ex spouse but an ex boyfriend is paying you.

 

For what exactly?

 

Is it worth your soul?

 

Cause it seems you’re slowly withering away living like this.

 

I think like mentioned in your other post you should consider going back home.

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