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I can't heal after break up (4+ years)


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Self blame and no closure is haunting me. Not an exaggeration when I say daily. On a good day, I might think about her briefly a few times... because work is busy and there are some cheerful things. On a bad day, it will paralyse me, especially either side of sleep. I decided to write this after kneeling in the shower and crying.

 

Over the 4+ years since break up, I have dated numerous girls (2 for 1+ years) and I have given everything to those relationships, but nothing is right.

 

 

Some facts:

- we dated from 2011 to 2014 (3 years) and we were engaged for half that

- the passion and love was insane

- she did so much for me, and i was unappreciative and did little in return

- but i always 100% loved her in my own way

- we bought each other many gifts, and I treated her to frequent vacations

- when she got her first job after uni, she immediately changed her attitude and things fell apart quickly

- in retrospect, i was just a big baby and she moved on.

- but when she moved on, she cut all lines of communication and never said good bye.

- i haven't been able to recover from that...

 

Some reflections:

- i wish i can travel back in time and punch myself in the face

- i have tried to contact her in different ways but to no avail

- she has been with some random dude since then and they have a house, but not married.

- i have really tried to move on. I am not young any more and I need to settle down. But no one comes remotely close to the way she loved me and I loved her.

- love is not a comparison, but once you have been loved like that; you can't go down...

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Have you sought therapy?

 

She did the right thing by cutting ties. No reason to stay in contact, as this is meant for moving on.

 

You find closure within yourself. You already know the reason for the break up. You did not treat her properly. There is your closure.

 

He is not a "random dude," He is her partner. he has more time and commitment with her, and that is why she is with him. She loves him. Leave her alone!

 

If your love was so great, then why did you treat her the way you did? Stop making this more than it is. I think it is a way for you not to move forward with your life.

 

Get some help!

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Have you sought therapy?

 

She did the right thing by cutting ties. No reason to stay in contact, as this is meant for moving on.

 

You find closure within yourself. You already know the reason for the break up. You did not treat her properly. There is your closure.

 

He is not a "random dude," He is her partner. he has more time and commitment with her, and that is why she is with him. She loves him. Leave her alone!

 

If your love was so great, then why did you treat her the way you did? Stop making this more than it is. I think it is a way for you not to move forward with your life.

 

Get some help!

 

This exactly... you are putting her on a pedestal instead of looking at the relationship for what it really was. This seems like it's more about you having regret for behaving like a jerk then it is about her.

 

And how exactly is it all your fault? And why are you still living in regret after all this time... it's not going to change a thing, she is with another guy and isn't coming back.

 

You are experiencing something many people rarely take advantage of... a chance to change your behavior in relationship so that in the next one you will be able to be a good partner to someone. You can't change the past no matter how long you grind on it in your head... all you can do is move forward and be a better person in the next relationship.

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Going a bit deeper....Do some research on Attachment Styles.

 

There was something about that relationship that tapped into your core being which we develop in childhood. There was something about it that made you feel at 'home'....

 

And because you haven't found that since, you default back to that relationship because it was the last time you felt it....

 

I would also suggest that perhaps things in your life now are not as good as you would like and therefore you regress back to that relationship when things 'felt' perfect....

 

What things in your life would you like to address/do/change...?

 

4 years is a long time and I'm sorry you still suffer over this, but as Dear Maew* said, this could also be an opportunity to go within, find self love and really get to know more about the psychology behind relationships and why the h*ll they can hurt so bad when they end.....

 

Here's a video to start off with ~

 

Hope this helps.

 

Carus*

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If you want a modality you can try at home to help release the pain and sting of the break up, I suggest looking into TFT (thought field therapy) and EFT (emotional freedom technique). The latter you can look up how to do on YouTube, but they are both similar. It can be used for any kind of trauma. I have tried lots of things to change my beliefs and overcome PTSD, etc. and these two things worked really well for me even though it felt silly and illogical at first because it's so far removed from conventional talk therapy.

 

This situation is likely more than about the woman. I agree with Carus that it probably has tapped into a subconscious childhood dynamic or a deeply held belief that you have around love and yourself. Do you think she's the last and only shot you have at true love? Once you are able to find out what that belief system is and what thoughts are so painful to you, you can work on changing them so that they don't wound you in the same way.

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Seems like you looking for closure of some sorts, her going no contact is closure enough, fix the faults you presented in the past relationship so the future one doesn't suffer the same fate...

 

I agree with HollyJ, she has a partner, hell they even have a house together... The girls you dated, have you compared them to your ex in a way?

 

How old are you if I may ask since you want to settle down?

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