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Me(22) and my ex gf broke up two months ago. She claimed she had enough for how I treated her. I didn’t treat her the best I’ll admit and I have a lot of issues that I realize I now have to deal with.

A week after the break up I found out she started dating her friend that I never saw as sexually threatening or anything the same day. Later she admired to going to him with our problems four days earlier and she developed feelings that she claimed had always been there. She is saying that this guy and her are the same in every way and that he’s the “one”. I trusted her and I let her have guy friends. Was this a mistake?

They moved in with each other basically the first week and she says she plans on marrying him. Makes me feel like I’m nothing now. I’m in two weeks no contact. Idk if I want her back I got work on myself I gotta do but I’m just so confused. What should I expect from this situation? We dated for 3 years. She emotionally cheated on me didn’t she. She wanted me to marry her a week before then this guy comes along and in 4 days she loses every feeling for me.

 

She says she doesn’t want bad blood and that she doesn’t love me anymore but loves things about me. Advice?

 

Sorry for grammar.

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Well, you don’t “ let people have friends”. We don’t own people. I believe you said in your other thread you were abusive to her the entire time. Don’t look for ways to justify wrong. Just fix it.

 

You’re right. Sometimes it just really hurts is all. I’ll do my best to let it go. Just looking for opinions. I’m obsessing I guess.

Edited by Austino96
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I’m confused because my family and friends tell me I was done wrong. I know I’m guilty of being the bad person here. Idk I guess I got to grow up. Meanwhile my therapists and I agree it was justified.i guess I’m looking to talk about it. Abuse isn’t acceptable ever.

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I’m confused because my family and friends tell me I was done wrong. I know I’m guilty of being the bad person here. Idk I guess I got to grow up. Meanwhile my therapists and I agree it was justified.i guess I’m looking to talk about it. Abuse isn’t acceptable ever.

 

Do your family and friends know how you treated her?

 

You're not "confused". YOU know the truth.

 

It's understandable that you're looking to be soothed by family and friends but that will contribute nothing to your personal growth.

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Yes they know, it wasn’t a problem my ex only dealt with. My family took a lot of abuse from me as well. My mom and sister. Trust me it’s hard to type this stuff because I feel guilty wanting to express some of my feelings. After the breakup she did everything she could to hurt me. Had her new bf threaten to kill me after I added one of her friends on Snapchat. Didn’t send me the title to my car after she promised she would after I sent her stuff. Called me stupid and names and made me feel even worse after I told her how sorry I was for everything I did. The last thing she said to me was “ you” after I told her I wouldn’t give her 100$ and I finally stood up for myself after her constantly disrespecting me and treating me like I’m . It’s more or less how she acted after. Calling me an abuser and saying I won’t change. Using words that I described myself as gaslighter, manipulative as fuel to get payback and what she wanted from me. She said she wants me to be happy and all that but yet didn’t want bad blood. Then her actions said otherwise. It’s confusing and draining I’m sorry for posting how I feel.

 

She even told me she wouldn’t left me if he didn’t come into her life. She said it was the perfect storm. I’m not justifying anything I JUST WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE. I’m not gonna bother her or anything. I have paid my price for the way i treated her. IT IS WHY I WANT TO CHANGE BECAUSE IT HURT ME SO BAD not because I want her back. I know she treated me wrong to get “payback”. Maybe it was warranted but I was already feeling like a pos when she left me for another guy. Add in all the power moves and disrespect then I became angry and upset.

 

Trust me all the post relationship abuse I got from her made me feel even worse about how I treated her. I just want to change and at the moment I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the things I need to change. Just trying to gain perspective from new people.

 

I took her and my family for granted. I’m just trying to forgive myself and not be this way again.

My family says I’ve changed but they are skeptical due to it being that I’m depressed and only a short time after the breakup. Me and her had a lot of good times and i didn’t become abusive until 1.5 years into it. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m trying to make excuses. But the truth is what I typed and how I feel is just confused anger and jealousy 25% of the time then guilt and missing her 75% of the time.

 

I know the relationship is over and it’ll never come back. I’m just trying to be better a self confidant single man who is sure of who he is and validated himself. Anything I post is to help achieve that goal.

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Yep, you now know how she felt all that time you were abusing her.

 

Never mind about "all" the things you need to change. Change doesn't happen in one big sweep. It's one thing at a time. Such as, when you feel yourself starting to speak to someone in a mean or abusive or angry way, stop yourself and ask, does this REALLY need to be said? It's little steps that create big change, not expecting to become a completely different person overnight.

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Yeah I now know. I agree with you. When I say “change” Its probably more of a realization. Things have changed about me. I think I’ve became more like her since she left. Things she believed in that I considered “wrong” at the time. Now it’s like Idk I see the world differently. It’s probably stupid but I feel like a more loving person now.

 

I’m getting all the help I can afford to get.

I use to talk crap about my abusive father and other people who where abusive. Now that I realize I’m one of those people it’s terrifying. I’ll be single forever before I do this to someone else.

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So hard to pick because they all affect me at the same time. But I’m working on it. I will stay single until I can figure it all out.

 

One event at a time.

 

Someone ticks you off? Instead of making a mean comment or shouting abuse, walk away. If you mess up, apologize, then don't do it again. Remember to speak kindly and if you can't, don't speak. And stop telling yourself you're a terrible person because not only will you believe it, but you'll use it as an excuse to continue to be terrible. Choose to be different, one event at a time.

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One event at a time.

 

Someone ticks you off? Instead of making a mean comment or shouting abuse, walk away. If you mess up, apologize, then don't do it again. Remember to speak kindly and if you can't, don't speak. And stop telling yourself you're a terrible person because not only will you believe it, but you'll use it as an excuse to continue to be terrible. Choose to be different, one event at a time.

 

Yeah I’ve been challenging my negative thoughts. Whenever I get anxious my anger is close behind it. But challenging them and asking myself why I feel the way I feel has really been helping me. Its almost like I attack the other person for me feeling unhappy about myself. Deep deep deep issues.

 

Thanks for your input I really appreciate it.

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So your remorse cycle is roughly a week?

 

My ex was like that.

 

Like I said before abusers arent villain caricatures . They’re human being who cope with stress and other emotions in negative ways.

 

Like I said on your other post remorse is nothing without action behind it. Just because you feel bad doesnt mean you’ve changed. My ex felt bad every time, would cry, even attenpted to commit suicide after he hit me one time, that’s how remorseful he would get but he kept doing it. Why? Because remorse and realization mean jack if you make no changes. Towards the end the remorse became less and less and the blame happened more and more. Look up the cycle of violence.

 

Look how quick you are to switch blame. You have a long road ahead of you. I’m not saying that to be negative or mean ain saying it because that’s reality. Anything short of intense therapy, you’re a sitting duck and you will abuse again. It sounds generational making it learned actions,, break the cycle.

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You can't "let people" have friends or not. That's not your place. You can set boundaries however in what kind of behavior you find acceptable for someone in a relationship.

 

Ie finding it inappropriate to hang out with an ex alone at their house or at a hotel is totally justified. You can't tell your spouse that they can't do this. But you can tell them you ain't sticking around if they do. The difference is nuanced... But there is a difference.

 

Also wether she cheated on you emotionally or physically is not really important if you're broken up. She's gone, let her go, move on.

 

If she comes back to you someday trying to get back together then you can decide then how important these details are... But that moment aside you're just torturing yourself with the why, why me, how could she do this?

 

Move on.

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You can't "let people" have friends or not. That's not your place. You can set boundaries however in what kind of behavior you find acceptable for someone in a relationship.

 

Ie finding it inappropriate to hang out with an ex alone at their house or at a hotel is totally justified. You can't tell your spouse that they can't do this. But you can tell them you ain't sticking around if they do. The difference is nuanced... But there is a difference.

 

Also wether she cheated on you emotionally or physically is not really important if you're broken up. She's gone, let her go, move on.

 

If she comes back to you someday trying to get back together then you can decide then how important these details are... But that moment aside you're just torturing yourself with the why, why me, how could she do this?

 

Move on.

 

She moved on to someone else because, the OP admits, he was abusive toward her. Seems like she took it for a long time, then couldn't take it anymore. Being belittled and put down and told you don't matter (figuratively) gets a person down and eventually you break emotionally or you leave. She chose to leave.

 

So, it's not as simple as "she cheated and dumped the OP for another guy".

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So your remorse cycle is roughly a week?

 

My ex was like that.

 

Like I said before abusers arent villain caricatures . They’re human being who cope with stress and other emotions in negative ways.

 

Like I said on your other post remorse is nothing without action behind it. Just because you feel bad doesnt mean you’ve changed. My ex felt bad every time, would cry, even attenpted to commit suicide after he hit me one time, that’s how remorseful he would get but he kept doing it. Why? Because remorse and realization mean jack if you make no changes. Towards the end the remorse became less and less and the blame happened more and more. Look up the cycle of violence.

 

Look how quick you are to switch blame. You have a long road ahead of you. I’m not saying that to be negative or mean ain saying it because that’s reality. Anything short of intense therapy, you’re a sitting duck and you will abuse again. It sounds generational making it learned actions,, break the cycle.

 

I think about how I did her every minute of the day. Also I agree with you but I have feelings too. Being left for someone else will make you feel like crap especially when they where loving you the day before like nothing was wrong.

 

I get what you’re saying but as time goes by I can’t help but feel upset with how things went down post breakup. I don’t get to choose how someone breaks up with me but its really hard to see your ex take pics with her bf and our dog well I guess her dog now. Like I said I’m not gonna date again until I figure it out.

 

As far as remorse goes I am. Do I bother her? No. Do I interfere with her life? No. Do I think I have a chance to get her back? No. It’s like I get it you’re ex and I are in the same boat. What do you want me to do huh? Change over night? Make my feelings go away? Like come on my dad abused me for 16 years and me and him have a great relationship now. He changed and he would do anything for me now.

 

Guess what tho. She’s with a guy who is the best thing that has ever happen to her. From what I heard they are soul mates. If that’s true then one day I’ll feel less bad because she’s happier and found her future husband. I show remorse by changing and not telling her. I show remorse by paying thousands of dollars for counseling. I show remorse by not dating after when I know I could. We all have different opinions and view points on how things happen. I don’t deny and I take responsibility for my actions. Yes I feel bad about it but I don’t want to change because I feel bad that she’s gone. I want to change because I don’t want to ever treat someone I love like this again. Is it wrong for me not to wanting to feel this guilty for treating someone bad again? You get hurt and you learn from it. I know what I need to do. The way I see it once I get over her and still continue therapy and bettering myself then we will truly know if I changed.

 

Things happened and it couldn’t of happened any other way. I accept that and so does my ex. She’ll be happier and I’ll in time be happy if I can succeed with my goals. Tbh I’m miserable inside. I got to fix that and I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. It could take years. All I know is that I’m gonna go to work save money like I’ve always done. Go to counseling and my psychiatrist. Spend time with my friends and family.

 

My family dealt with some of the worse abuse if not more worse than my ex. Guess who’s helping me through this tho? My family. Do you think that the guilt and sadness of treating them bad and they still being here isn’t enough motivation for change?

 

I’m not your ex. You can project him on me all you want but I’m not him. I never threatened to kill myself I never tried to sabotage her new relationship. I WANT SOMEONE TO BE WITH ME BECAUSE IM AWESOME. Right now I’m not awesome so that’s why I want to change. I want to get married and have kids someday. I definitely don’t want to raise my kids the way my dad raised me.

 

There’s multiple reasons I want to change. The most important is because I’m unhappy with who I am. I didn’t realize that. Until I change that will never go away. Therefor I’ll never make someone else happy.

 

I got to forgive myself and be kind to myself. Please be kind for I am going through a lot of new changes. Sometimes it bothers me that she is with a new guy for the same reason it would bother anyone if someone cheated and left you for that person. I never said it’s my exes fault that I abused her. All I talked about was the breakup and post breakup. How I acted during the relationship can’t be forgiven I believe.

 

But also how she acted post breakup with purposely trying to get me sued because I sold a car and she had the title and wouldn’t give it me for no reason only because she has power is wrong. Was she warranted trying to ruin my life after she already kicked me out of her life? I have goals and motivation. More motivation than I’ve ever had. This will not make me worse it’ll only make me better but by how much only time will tell. I’ll keep you updated.

 

Never hit my ex. Never would do that. Her new boyfriend went to jail for beating his ex. So I’m kinda worried. But she says he’s changed so idk?

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She moved on to someone else because, the OP admits, he was abusive toward her. Seems like she took it for a long time, then couldn't take it anymore. Being belittled and put down and told you don't matter (figuratively) gets a person down and eventually you break emotionally or you leave. She chose to leave.

 

So, it's not as simple as "she cheated and dumped the OP for another guy".

 

I know I know. It’s definitely not simple.

I wish it was but the breakup was probably the worse break up anyone could ever have. Just confused and stuff. I don’t want her to be that type of girl in my head. It kills me to think she would’ve done this even I was good to her. I’d rather take the blame that put it on her.

 

She did tell me tho that she developed feelings for him 4 months into our relationship and admited her told her he loved her then and never told me. She also said it was always him she wanted and just didn’t know it. Stuff hurts just blows my mind up between the guilt trips.

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I will tell you, I have an ex who treated me horribly for pretty much our entire 4 year relationship.

 

Now, I am to blame because I didn't bounce at the first mistreatment. Instead, I tried and tried and tried to get him to love me. I was the "cool girlfriend" who looked the other way while he tried to "hook up" with other girls right in front of me, while he tried to pass me off as his "bestest friend" when he met a woman he wanted to sleep with, when I would come over to spend the weekend to find sex stains on his sheets, when his so-called ex called him repeatedly and showed up at his house and he tried to get us to physically fight each other for his own ego gratification, when he had a so-called friend of mine over every night that I wasn't there until 3 am, when I plowed through his phone to find texts to his so-called ex that said "I wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you" and when he blatantly cheated on me with his nephew's fiancée and then dumped me for her. I even tried to lurk around, hoping he'd come back to me after all of that! You think I didn't feel like garbage about myself? I knew my self esteem was in the toilet and I knew he was treating me poorly (to say the least) and yet I stuck around, hoping if I was "cool" enough he'd want me. And yeah, I'm still angry at MYSELF for hating myself so much I stayed with him. For FOUR YEARS.

 

So, after I pulled my head out of my butt and got myself away from him (because yes, I was still cyber stalking him and his girlfriend and driving by his house late at night hoping they'd broken up so he'd come back to me), did I want revenge? You betcha. Whenever he and his girlfriend fought he'd call or text me. At first I was elated because I thought he was coming back to me. Then, once I'd come to my senses, I enjoyed making him feel bad. I'd scornfully dismiss him, I'd ignore his messages and I'd say loudly (when he'd call a mutual friend after he'd found out I was with them) "What does that loser want now???" Yeah, I enjoyed giving him the exact same treatment he'd given me for years. He traveled to my town after I'd moved several hundred miles away and he messaged me asking me to meet up with him. And I told him no. I told him he wasn't worth even leaving my home to walk down to my car and making a 20 minute drive. I told him I didn't care enough about seeing him to make any kind of effort. He then tried to come to a birthday party I was throwing for myself and again I scornfully told him he wasn't invited and wasn't welcome.

 

I had years of resentment built up. Again, I blamed (and still blame) myself for putting up with him, but just because my self esteem was in the toilet didn't mean he should have taken the opportunity to be awful to me. He took advantage of my love for him and treated me like he couldn't care less if I was there or not. And like I wasn't important to him. I tried so hard and he threw it all in my face and laughed at me when he made me cry.

 

I can only guess that your ex has a LOT of built up resentment and it all came spilling, no, pouring out after the breakup. She's giving you a taste of your own medicine. It doesn't taste good, does it?

 

HOWEVER...I am so glad you realize you were wrong. My ex still blames me, saying I must not have ever really loved him because I'm not pining over him or leaping at the smallest chance to see or speak to him. Boo freaking hoo. I used to love him but he killed that.

 

But you actually realize you did wrong and you are doing a lot to make sure it never happens again. And I think that's terrific.

 

Please do try to get off the "blame the ex, poor me she's being mean to me" train. She rode that train for a long time and now it's your turn.

 

But you're taking positive steps and I commend you for that. Go ahead and feel bad because of course you will, but don't linger on your resentment or your disbelief that she'd actually have the gall to treat you poorly. Let it go, let her go and continue the positive steps you've already started.

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I will tell you, I have an ex who treated me horribly for pretty much our entire 4 year relationship.

 

Now, I am to blame because I didn't bounce at the first mistreatment. Instead, I tried and tried and tried to get him to love me. I was the "cool girlfriend" who looked the other way while he tried to "hook up" with other girls right in front of me, while he tried to pass me off as his "bestest friend" when he met a woman he wanted to sleep with, when I would come over to spend the weekend to find sex stains on his sheets, when his so-called ex called him repeatedly and showed up at his house and he tried to get us to physically fight each other for his own ego gratification, when he had a so-called friend of mine over every night that I wasn't there until 3 am, when I plowed through his phone to find texts to his so-called ex that said "I wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you" and when he blatantly cheated on me with his nephew's fiancée and then dumped me for her. I even tried to lurk around, hoping he'd come back to me after all of that! You think I didn't feel like garbage about myself? I knew my self esteem was in the toilet and I knew he was treating me poorly (to say the least) and yet I stuck around, hoping if I was "cool" enough he'd want me. And yeah, I'm still angry at MYSELF for hating myself so much I stayed with him. For FOUR YEARS.

 

So, after I pulled my head out of my butt and got myself away from him (because yes, I was still cyber stalking him and his girlfriend and driving by his house late at night hoping they'd broken up so he'd come back to me), did I want revenge? You betcha. Whenever he and his girlfriend fought he'd call or text me. At first I was elated because I thought he was coming back to me. Then, once I'd come to my senses, I enjoyed making him feel bad. I'd scornfully dismiss him, I'd ignore his messages and I'd say loudly (when he'd call a mutual friend after he'd found out I was with them) "What does that loser want now???" Yeah, I enjoyed giving him the exact same treatment he'd given me for years. He traveled to my town after I'd moved several hundred miles away and he messaged me asking me to meet up with him. And I told him no. I told him he wasn't worth even leaving my home to walk down to my car and making a 20 minute drive. I told him I didn't care enough about seeing him to make any kind of effort. He then tried to come to a birthday party I was throwing for myself and again I scornfully told him he wasn't invited and wasn't welcome.

 

I had years of resentment built up. Again, I blamed (and still blame) myself for putting up with him, but just because my self esteem was in the toilet didn't mean he should have taken the opportunity to be awful to me. He took advantage of my love for him and treated me like he couldn't care less if I was there or not. And like I wasn't important to him. I tried so hard and he threw it all in my face and laughed at me when he made me cry.

 

I can only guess that your ex has a LOT of built up resentment and it all came spilling, no, pouring out after the breakup. She's giving you a taste of your own medicine. It doesn't taste good, does it?

 

HOWEVER...I am so glad you realize you were wrong. My ex still blames me, saying I must not have ever really loved him because I'm not pining over him or leaping at the smallest chance to see or speak to him. Boo freaking hoo. I used to love him but he killed that.

 

But you actually realize you did wrong and you are doing a lot to make sure it never happens again. And I think that's terrific.

 

Please do try to get off the "blame the ex, poor me she's being mean to me" train. She rode that train for a long time and now it's your turn.

 

But you're taking positive steps and I commend you for that. Go ahead and feel bad because of course you will, but don't linger on your resentment or your disbelief that she'd actually have the gall to treat you poorly. Let it go, let her go and continue the positive steps you've already started.

 

I never did that kinda stuff don’t get me wrong I was still bad but dang. I don’t know but that dude is a huge d**k. I can’t believe he’d did that stuff to you. I can’t believe you took that crap from him. I’m sorry I can see why this really bothers you.

 

I understand completely why you feel that way. I can’t imagine how you felt. It seems like he was using you and trying to keep you around.

 

Blame my ex for being mean to me? I love how you can just act like I’m living a lie or using that to get validation from strangers when I’m just asking for advice and telling my story to get things off my chest. Plus it may help someone else to see it. I was already going to counseling for a month before I even joined this site.

 

I assure you I’ll never text my ex again unless she contacts me. Even then I think I’ll just ignore it and let her continue on with her life. My ex is important to me. Even if you don’t believe me she was always the most important person in my life. I have issues I get it I’m doing what I can but I have feelings too.

 

Saying your feelings don’t matter because you where abusive is kinda f’d up. I got my taste of medicine when she left me for another dude. I always was very emotional and put a lot into my emotions. I’m not meant to be this kind of guy. It’s not who I’m going to be. If it wouldn’t of happen with her it would’ve happened eventually. Sometimes it takes losing someone you care about to change. At any point anyone can become abusive and not know it.

 

Sorry for what you went threw but saying my feelings doesn’t matter because of my past is not right. I am not doing that stuff I did right now. i don’t want pity but I don’t want to sit here and be judge as if one abusive situation is the same as another. The things I went through in my life my childhood and early adult hood was insane. I didn’t eat for 7 days because my dad starved me. When I went to the DSS guess what they did? Nothing I went home and my dad yelled at me lied to them saying I was lying and then kicked me out the house when I was 14. Please not making excuses but I have feelings and I’m learning.

 

I didn’t talk to my dad for years until he kept telling my mom that he wanted to see me. Tho he never apologized for anything he has done. He did tell me one day that if he could go back he’d do everything differently. Your ex is a horrible person, I am not. I know this I just became something I wasn’t suppose to be. That will change.

 

Hope you feel better and leave that ex of yours alone that dude really sucks.

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I think about how I did her every minute of the day. Also I agree with you but I have feelings too. Being left for someone else will make you feel like crap especially when they where loving you the day before like nothing was wrong.

 

I get what you’re saying but as time goes by I can’t help but feel upset with how things went down post breakup. I don’t get to choose how someone breaks up with me but its really hard to see your ex take pics with her bf and our dog well I guess her dog now. Like I said I’m not gonna date again until I figure it out.

 

As far as remorse goes I am. Do I bother her? No. Do I interfere with her life? No. Do I think I have a chance to get her back? No. It’s like I get it you’re ex and I are in the same boat. What do you want me to do huh? Change over night? Make my feelings go away? Like come on my dad abused me for 16 years and me and him have a great relationship now. He changed and he would do anything for me now.

 

Guess what tho. She’s with a guy who is the best thing that has ever happen to her. From what I heard they are soul mates. If that’s true then one day I’ll feel less bad because she’s happier and found her future husband. I show remorse by changing and not telling her. I show remorse by paying thousands of dollars for counseling. I show remorse by not dating after when I know I could. We all have different opinions and view points on how things happen. I don’t deny and I take responsibility for my actions. Yes I feel bad about it but I don’t want to change because I feel bad that she’s gone. I want to change because I don’t want to ever treat someone I love like this again. Is it wrong for me not to wanting to feel this guilty for treating someone bad again? You get hurt and you learn from it. I know what I need to do. The way I see it once I get over her and still continue therapy and bettering myself then we will truly know if I changed.

 

Things happened and it couldn’t of happened any other way. I accept that and so does my ex. She’ll be happier and I’ll in time be happy if I can succeed with my goals. Tbh I’m miserable inside. I got to fix that and I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. It could take years. All I know is that I’m gonna go to work save money like I’ve always done. Go to counseling and my psychiatrist. Spend time with my friends and family.

 

My family dealt with some of the worse abuse if not more worse than my ex. Guess who’s helping me through this tho? My family. Do you think that the guilt and sadness of treating them bad and they still being here isn’t enough motivation for change?

 

I’m not your ex. You can project him on me all you want but I’m not him. I never threatened to kill myself I never tried to sabotage her new relationship. I WANT SOMEONE TO BE WITH ME BECAUSE IM AWESOME. Right now I’m not awesome so that’s why I want to change. I want to get married and have kids someday. I definitely don’t want to raise my kids the way my dad raised me.

 

There’s multiple reasons I want to change. The most important is because I’m unhappy with who I am. I didn’t realize that. Until I change that will never go away. Therefor I’ll never make someone else happy.

 

I got to forgive myself and be kind to myself. Please be kind for I am going through a lot of new changes. Sometimes it bothers me that she is with a new guy for the same reason it would bother anyone if someone cheated and left you for that person. I never said it’s my exes fault that I abused her. All I talked about was the breakup and post breakup. How I acted during the relationship can’t be forgiven I believe.

 

But also how she acted post breakup with purposely trying to get me sued because I sold a car and she had the title and wouldn’t give it me for no reason only because she has power is wrong. Was she warranted trying to ruin my life after she already kicked me out of her life? I have goals and motivation. More motivation than I’ve ever had. This will not make me worse it’ll only make me better but by how much only time will tell. I’ll keep you updated.

 

Never hit my ex. Never would do that. Her new boyfriend went to jail for beating his ex. So I’m kinda worried. But she says he’s changed so idk?

 

Holy cow....

 

Read this back to yourself, seriously read it back.

 

Now imagine saying all that to my face.

 

Do you think I’d feel threatened?

 

Uneasy?

 

I do.

 

You’re abusive.

 

You own it, not in a natural healthy manner though, It’s as if youre vulnerable because you feel bad, which is natural, but the second anyone challenges that you go back to being abusive.

 

I realize you feel like I’m judging you but I promise you I’m not, my ex was abusive to me but Ive forgiven him, not for him but for myself and for our child he and I coparent just just fine now that the past is in the past, I’m not comparing you to him as if he’s a monster, I don’t think he’s a monster, just like I don’t think you’re a monster, I think neither one of you have a proper coping skills.

 

You’re fooling everyone else but I lived with a jekyl and Hyde for 10 years and dude you can’t even control it over the internet, I recognize your abusive personality. I can feel it through your words.

 

Again, I am not judging you. If anything I empathize with you because through your words I also see pain and an inability to handle it. I saw that in my ex too. To this day, I know he loved me to the best of his ability he just wasn’t well, just like you. I hope one day your ex can find peace with you like I have with my ex. Just because I’m able to recognize and verbalize what youre doing doesn’t mean I don’t empathize, I do. I also recognize you’re hurting right now, and you need time to heal, and with therapy and honesty you can come out the other side of all this but again it’s going to be a road, please don’t give up.

 

ETA: I really need to say, it was incredibly cruel of you to belittle me sharing with you my exes suicide attempt. He didn’t do it as manipulation. I didn’t even know that he attempted to overdose until the ambulance had to get him from work. He didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to know. That’s not manipulation that’s pain and an inability to accept his actions. He had an anger problem that he did not know how to properly handle. I’d rather set myself on fire than to go back to that marriage, but I see the humanity in my ex, which ironically you want others to see in you while you cant give the same respect.You are showing such an ugly side to yourself with your words. I hope one day you find peace, I really do. Of all the people on this board, only a handful can understand both sides, and instead of hearing us out you thew acid, it’s a real shame, I don’t care to respond anymore but again I wish you luck.

Edited by figureitout23
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I never did that kinda stuff don’t get me wrong I was still bad but dang. I don’t know but that dude is a huge d**k. I can’t believe he’d did that stuff to you. I can’t believe you took that crap from him. I’m sorry I can see why this really bothers you.

 

I understand completely why you feel that way. I can’t imagine how you felt. It seems like he was using you and trying to keep you around.

 

Blame my ex for being mean to me? I love how you can just act like I’m living a lie or using that to get validation from strangers when I’m just asking for advice and telling my story to get things off my chest. Plus it may help someone else to see it. I was already going to counseling for a month before I even joined this site.

 

I assure you I’ll never text my ex again unless she contacts me. Even then I think I’ll just ignore it and let her continue on with her life. My ex is important to me. Even if you don’t believe me she was always the most important person in my life. I have issues I get it I’m doing what I can but I have feelings too.

 

Saying your feelings don’t matter because you where abusive is kinda f’d up. I got my taste of medicine when she left me for another dude. I always was very emotional and put a lot into my emotions. I’m not meant to be this kind of guy. It’s not who I’m going to be. If it wouldn’t of happen with her it would’ve happened eventually. Sometimes it takes losing someone you care about to change. At any point anyone can become abusive and not know it.

 

Sorry for what you went threw but saying my feelings doesn’t matter because of my past is not right. I am not doing that stuff I did right now. i don’t want pity but I don’t want to sit here and be judge as if one abusive situation is the same as another. The things I went through in my life my childhood and early adult hood was insane. I didn’t eat for 7 days because my dad starved me. When I went to the DSS guess what they did? Nothing I went home and my dad yelled at me lied to them saying I was lying and then kicked me out the house when I was 14. Please not making excuses but I have feelings and I’m learning.

 

I didn’t talk to my dad for years until he kept telling my mom that he wanted to see me. Tho he never apologized for anything he has done. He did tell me one day that if he could go back he’d do everything differently. Your ex is a horrible person, I am not. I know this I just became something I wasn’t suppose to be. That will change.

 

Hope you feel better and leave that ex of yours alone that dude really sucks.

 

Can you please highlight the section of my post where I said your feelings don't matter because you were abusive? You reference that twice and I scoured my post and can't see where I said your feelings don't matter.

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