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My ex is engaged...& I’m not handling it very well


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I won’t bore everyone with the details but in a nutshell my ex and I broke up 7 months ago. He ended it for reasons that turned out to be excuses but I had found out he emotionally cheated on me. Fast forward to this week and I find out thru the grapevine that he’s engaged to her. This past month has felt like nothing but setbacks as it is. I posted a few weeks ago he all of a sudden unblocked me. I thought I blocked him from my end but I guess not. It made me very angry he did that, I felt like he was trying to get me to see stuff again. Never once looked at his stuff just blocked. Anway I will admit, this news hit me hard. I don’t even know how I feel. I feel very angry I spent so much time on him & gave him so much with little in return & he gives someone else the world who hasn’t done nearly what I did (he was hurt badly & is still recovering). I feel very sad & lonely as well. My life circumstances make it difficult to have a relationship as it is & that was one appeal with him was our circumstances were similar so a relationship worked. I don’t have a lot of people in my life & my family only consists of my mother & daughter. Friends I did have got too busy long before he ever came along. I’m not surprised he’s engaged at all. I am just a mix of hurt & anger & have no idea what I should do now. I feel like this breakup has drained me more than my divorce ever did. I should mention I have not spoken to my ex since we cancelled a trip that was planned 7 months ago. I don’t even know what I’m asking exactly except how to not fall into a deeper funk with this news. How to not feel so unwanted :(

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His engagement is not about you. It's about him trying to fill in the void in his own life. Plus, he is still the same person, with the same limitations and faults. People do not change. Even if they are in some kind of honeymoon period right now, in time, she will end up with the same person you did. Someone who is capable of emotional cheating and that's nothing to envy.

 

It was unfortunate that you found out about this but it is important that you try not to put extra meaning to this, keep no contact and stay away from social media. It sounds like the real problem is that you are not happy with your current situation rather than the news you learned. The holiday season doesn't help either as it can blow things out of proportions. You need to try to move past this and take it one day at a time. His choices have nothing to do with your self-worth. You are no longer connected in any way. Whatever he does has nothing to do with you and is irrelevant. The real problem is that you are not happy with you current life and you do have power over changing this.

 

Plus, you have your mother and your daughter. That's still a lot more than some other people have and it is something to be grateful about. This is a nice time to spend with family and/or volunteer in helping out the less fortunate. Maybe it would help you to put the focus on someone/something else. Sometimes cheering up/ helping out someone else helps lift our own spirits.

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Aw girl, when you're not over an ex and find out they are moving on in a big way it really sucks. No doubt about it. But even if he was emotionally or physically cheating with this woman, 7 months is definitely rushing an engagement!

 

My best advice would be to shutdown any flow of information and remind yourself that his situation actually changes nothing. He's still a disappointing ex-partner that you need to focus on getting over so you can move forward with your life.

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I bet he unblocked you just so you would see it, to dig the knife just a little deeper. Getting engaged at 7 months isn't just stupid, it's his way of showing off. Poor girl. Let's circle back to this one year from now and see if he hasn't cheated on her, and is doing the blocking/unblocking game with her.

 

Head high. This hurts, I know.

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So sorry to hear you're going through this. My ex was engaged 4 months after we broke up. He took my engagement ring, pawned it and bought a different one for her...

I can honestly say it was one of the most difficult times of my life so far. It made it near impossible to begin healing and moving on. Keep him blocked. Go no contact. Dont let him into your world in any way because he will only find ways to twist the knife in your heart.

Focus on you- i promise you will begin healing. Mine did marry- after 10 months of knowing the new girl. It has definitely slowed my progress.... but when i think back to a year ago i have come so far. I promise you will get through this. Nothing is ever as good as it appears on social media. Focus on your own goals and ambitions- you WILL begin to feel better. Sending lots of hugs.

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It will get better with time. I know, it must feel like a punch in the stomach. I'm sorry. It's best to assume that he's happy with her and she with him because the negativity will eat away at you. Just accept it and move on. Sure someday you might hear it fell apart but again -negative energy that in my opinion you don't need.

 

An ex of mine got engaged 1.5 years after we broke up (shorter relationship) and right before he got engaged he emailed me - with sort of "feelers" in it -and called me too - testing the waters -and once he was married he contacted me with some story about feeling bored in the marriage -again all low level comments but you know -not appropriate to write to an ex. They've been married over 10 years and I am still friendly with his brother (which is how we met) but I never, ever ask about him. Ever. That's really helped me. I only knew he got engaged because my friend heard it through the grapevine and wanted to tell me before I heard it myself. (yes she was right to tell me).

 

You will get through this, I get it, good for you for seeking support here.

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Sorry this is happening. It always stings to get news about and ex like this. The best thing to do is block and delete him and all his people from all social media and messaging. Use this time to update your social media and reach out to friends, family, coworkers, classmates, etc and reconnect yourself to your life.

 

Also work on a self improvement plan . Update your look, new clothes, hair, etc. Get your teeth cleaned. Get fit/in shape. Join some groups or clubs. Sign up for some courses or classes that are fun and make you feel good or always wanted to do. Language, Tai Chi, yoga, cooking, dancing, whatever. Focus on yourself.

 

Get a good profile and pics up on a quality dating site and start browsing who's out there for you. When you are ready, start messaging and meeting men for a low key coffee/drink.

my ex and I broke up 7 months ago. I feel like this breakup has drained me more than my divorce ever did.
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I see this happen a lot and it does make me wonder. But either 1) its the honeymoon phase where everything is new and the true colors havent shown and he will do this SAME exact thing to her (most likely) or 2) he somehow found the love of his life and everything is great now and he found someone he was actually compatiable with..... while option number two is a possibility i sincerely doubt it. And if it is, good ridance. You deserve someone who wont emotionally cheat on you.

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His engagement is not about you. It's about him trying to fill in the void in his own life. Plus, he is still the same person, with the same limitations and faults. People do not change. Even if they are in some kind of honeymoon period right now, in time, she will end up with the same person you did. Someone who is capable of emotional cheating and that's nothing to envy.

 

The real problem is that you are not happy with you current life and you do have power over changing this.

 

Plus, you have your mother and your daughter.

 

Yes I do think it’s nothing to envy & your right she will end up with the same person I eventually did. I don’t wish for him back & have kept no contact. I’m so angry with the situation as a whole (cheating, lying, etc) that no contact & blocking on social media has been no problem. I found out because someone I only vaguely know told me.

 

I do agree with you, I’m not completely happy in life. I am actively working on that it’s just been a slow process & im not the worlds most patient person. I have taken my daughter to volunteer but I think I was so focused on teaching her the meaning & importance of it I missed out on the whole picture. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for my mom & daughter because I am very grateful for them.

 

Thank you for the advice

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My best advice would be to shutdown any flow of information and remind yourself that his situation actually changes nothing. He's still a disappointing ex-partner that you need to focus on getting over so you can move forward with your life.

 

Thank you yep disappointing is right. I have him blocked I just can’t control who tells me what. I just politely ask to not be told when someone mentions it. It’s been difficult since he’s in the limelight around town a lot. Sometimes I think I should just delete social media all together but then I miss out on seeing things & people that I do enjoy.

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I bet he unblocked you just so you would see it, to dig the knife just a little deeper. Getting engaged at 7 months isn't just stupid, it's his way of showing off. Poor girl. Let's circle back to this one year from now and see if he hasn't cheated on her, and is doing the blocking/unblocking game with her.

 

Head high. This hurts, I know.

 

Thank you & you are so right! I do think he unblocked me so I would see it but the funny thing is I didn’t find out via social media. I blocked him when I saw I was unblocked. So if that was the game it backfired since I don’t know if it’s online. However it still got back to me through an acquaintance. Makes me want to just delete social media but not sure it would solve anything. Thank you for your kind words,.

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So sorry to hear you're going through this. My ex was engaged 4 months after we broke up. He took my engagement ring, pawned it and bought a different one for her...

I can honestly say it was one of the most difficult times of my life so far. It made it near impossible to begin healing and moving on. Keep him blocked. Go no contact. Dont let him into your world in any way because he will only find ways to twist the knife in your heart.

Focus on you- i promise you will begin healing. Mine did marry- after 10 months of knowing the new girl. It has definitely slowed my progress.... but when i think back to a year ago i have come so far. I promise you will get through this. Nothing is ever as good as it appears on social media. Focus on your own goals and ambitions- you WILL begin to feel better. Sending lots of hugs.

 

Thank you so much it does help to know someone else has gone through this. I am sorry your ex did this as well. I hope I have made as much progress as you in a year.

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I only knew he got engaged because my friend heard it through the grapevine and wanted to tell me before I heard it myself. (yes she was right to tell me).

 

You will get through this, I get it, good for you for seeking support here.

 

Yes I found out through an acquaintance. Fortunately he’s never reached out (that I’m aware of) & I prefer that. It helps to know other people who have had similar experiences

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Also work on a self improvement plan . Update your look, new clothes, hair, etc. Get your teeth cleaned. Get fit/in shape. Join some groups or clubs. Sign up for some courses or classes that are fun and make you feel good or always wanted to do. Language, Tai Chi, yoga, cooking, dancing, whatever. Focus on yourself.

 

Get a good profile and pics up on a quality dating site and start browsing who's out there for you. When you are ready, start messaging and meeting men for a low key coffee/drink.

 

I have been actively working on myself. Dating I’m not sure I’m ready for. It’s been so long since I’ve been in the dating scene. I don’t want to lead someone on & I feel like I need to completely heal from this. It’s just I always feel like I go one step forward & then two steps back. Thank you for your advice it does help

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I see this happen a lot and it does make me wonder. But either 1) its the honeymoon phase where everything is new and the true colors havent shown and he will do this SAME exact thing to her (most likely) or 2) he somehow found the love of his life and everything is great now and he found someone he was actually compatiable with..... while option number two is a possibility i sincerely doubt it. And if it is, good ridance. You deserve someone who wont emotionally cheat on you.

 

Thank you for this, it helps. I think back to our 6 month mark & how everything was “perfect” etc...true colors weren’t showing yet. I know I deserve better. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on him & not realizing our relationship was never balanced.

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It will get better with time. I know, it must feel like a punch in the stomach. I'm sorry. It's best to assume that he's happy with her and she with him because the negativity will eat away at you. Just accept it and move on. Sure someday you might hear it fell apart but again -negative energy that in my opinion you don't need.

 

 

 

Agree 100%

 

In my eyes one of the WORST things you can do post breakup is assume the person that he’s with is a mistake or that he’s unhappy or that he has issues or this or that.

 

Know why?

 

Because the focus is still on them.

 

Guess what? Negative energy is STILL energy.

 

The best thing to do isn’t think negatively but attempt to remove him from your thought process completely.

 

I don’t know why some think negative thought is recovery. It’s not it’s just taking a tougher road.

 

 

If you’ve convinced yourself of something you’re gonna eventually check to validate yourself. Which let’s be honest is probably what you were doing after he unblocked you this time, you were angry he unblocked you, but deep down it most likely gave you hope. Oh maybe he’s thinking of me, oh maybe he wants to reconcile. Thinking he’s unhappy in a round about way does the same thing, gives you hope.

 

If you find joy in his failures, you’ll find pain in his triumphs.

 

 

Unfortunately you can’t have one without the other, so it’s best to just try to let it go. Not dig in deeper.

 

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. One day at a time. Allow yourself to naturally go through these emotions. I know you don’t want to because they hurt but if you work through it naturally this set back will help you come out of all this stronger. Don’t know the science behind it just know it doesn’t.

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I have been actively working on myself. Dating I’m not sure I’m ready for. It’s been so long since I’ve been in the dating scene. I don’t want to lead someone on & I feel like I need to completely heal from this. It’s just I always feel like I go one step forward & then two steps back. Thank you for your advice it does help

 

Good for you.

 

Dating is a terrible idea right now.

 

Like putting kerosene on the fire you’re trying to put out

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Thank you for this, it helps. I think back to our 6 month mark & how everything was “perfect” etc...true colors weren’t showing yet. I know I deserve better. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on him & not realizing our relationship was never balanced.

 

You absolutely do deserve an evenly yoked relationship.

 

Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

Now where to put that anger? Do you have a home project where you have to break or hit things with a hammer? Can you take a boxing class? Even going running, let all the pent up frustration out.

 

It feels so good. I promise you.

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Agree 100%

 

In my eyes one of the WORST things you can do post breakup is assume the person that he’s with is a mistake or that he’s unhappy or that he has issues or this or that.

 

Know why?

 

Because the focus is still on them.

 

Guess what? Negative energy is STILL energy.

 

What was weird to me is I only think about them when it's brought up. My initial reaction was only on him and how it made me feel which to be honest, does nothing to him. He has no idea of my reaction. All I could think about was how he did me wrong which like you said, negative energy is still energy focused on him. I am not sure if it is pride or what but my focus was how he basically used me which also makes me so mad at myself for letting myself be used. I have felt some better on reminding myself it isn't about me. Whatever happens to him and his relationship isn't about me nor my concern. I stopped worrying about karma because I have seen it too many times that what goes around comes around. I know I don't need to put any energy on him. I still am having my little moments of anger and obviously I am hurt still but I am trying to remind myself (repeatedly) that I deserve better.

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You absolutely do deserve an evenly yoked relationship.

 

Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

Now where to put that anger? Do you have a home project where you have to break or hit things with a hammer? Can you take a boxing class? Even going running, let all the pent up frustration out.

 

It feels so good. I promise you.

 

Yes more and more as the weeks and months go on, I am realizing how the relationship was all about him. I am realizing it is not selfish to have expectations that my wants and needs matter and are no more or less important than another persons.

 

I will have to check with my gym if they have a boxing class of some sort. My mind wanders too much with jogging/walking so I have been trying other things. And working a lot on my house. Unfortunately nothing I can break though.

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Yes more and more as the weeks and months go on, I am realizing how the relationship was all about him. I am realizing it is not selfish to have expectations that my wants and needs matter and are no more or less important than another persons.

 

I will have to check with my gym if they have a boxing class of some sort. My mind wanders too much with jogging/walking so I have been trying other things. And working a lot on my house. Unfortunately nothing I can break though.

 

Try listening to podcasts when you jog/walk -I find that helps me.

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