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I've been with my husband since I was 20 years old and now I'm 33. We have a 2-year-old together. Prior to my pregnancy, he cheated, lied, and neglected me. I was young and dumb, and I let love blind me from leaving him. A month before I got pregnant, I had thoughts about leaving him....and then I got pregnant the following month. We barely have sex and I've talked to him about this before. About 1-2 weeks ago, I found out he's been paying for premium porn clips. So that's why he's been neglecting me. I'm not passionate about him anymore and want to get divorced. However, we have a 2-year-old together. He's a great father. What to do?

Edited by DarleneLove
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Can you do without sex and compassion for the next 16 years. If yes, stay in a loveless marriage with a disrespectful guy. If no, then consult with a lawyer about filing for temporary custody of the dwellings. Either way, keep copies of any texts, screenshots, emails of his "interactions" with the people he's cheating on you with.

 

And BTW, 3 years ago, only makes you 30, so how were you young and dumb then, but not now? I'm just saying don't blame being young and dumb as a reason why you stay with someone for 13 years.

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He can be a father without being married to you. If you are unhappy and he is not meeting your needs, you should get out. You can make a better life for your daughter if you are healthy and happy than you can if you are miserable with someone who neglects you. Many children are raised happily with divorced parents who generously cooperate with one another on their care.

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My ex husband is a terrific father to our two kids. Us getting divorced did not turn him into an awful father.

 

If your child's father is an excellent father he will continue to do so.

 

And trust me, my kids, while sad about the divorce, grew up much healthier living in two peaceful households than in what I'd characterized as the "DMZ" because while active battles were not going on in the family home it was still a war zone. My kids turned out great. Yours will too, as long as you decide to be mature about co-parenting.

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Are you asking for permission to divorce him? Only you can decide that.

 

If you have tried to repair the damage in the marriage and it isn't working then try again. If he is not wiling to work on it then you are left with two options. Stay and be miserable or divorce so you both can one day meet someone new and live a happy life.

 

If you have totally checked out then there is no reason to even try, just start planning the divorce.

 

A lot of times in these situations someone new has entered the picture. Is there someone showing interest in you?

 

Lost

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Men do talk to me, but I'm not interested in them. However, I met someone who I'm infatuated with. He made me feel things that I haven't felt in years. There is no way I would be with him though because of various reasons. I doubt he even feels the same way. My point is, now I'm realizing that I deserve respect and deserve to be with someone who I feel passionate about. If I do decide to get divorced, I might stay single for a year or two so I can work on rebuilding my self confidence.

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Many split who have children. You should not stay in a loveless and sexless relationship for the child, as it is damaging to her. This guy is a cheat and a liar, it's time to end the marriage.

 

 

Definitely stay single for at least a year. Do not introduce your child to any perspective partners for at least six months.

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"My point is, now I'm realizing that I deserve respect and deserve to be with someone who I feel passionate about."

- Yes, but allowing predator/parasite into your life is the wrong way of doing it.

 

Challenge your husband.

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Is this a coworker, friend, neighbor? How do you know this crush? How did he "make you feel things"? It seems this crush/mini-emotional affair or whatever it is simply highlights how unhappy your marriage is.

I met someone who I'm infatuated with. He made me feel things that I haven't felt in years. There is no way I would be with him though because of various reasons.
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I was jumping off garage roofs at 12 because I was "young and dumb." I wasn't 31, bringing human life into the world with a partner who'd lied to me and cheated on me. I'm not sure if you're being intentionally vague, presenting it in a way we'd infer it was right before your pregnancy, but we've got no idea when in this entire 11 years prior to your kid entering the picture this guy cheated and lied to you. You'd have all the sympathy points you could ever want if you'd come here at the time and decided to leave him. But for whatever reason, you decided well after the age you could use just having escaped adolescence as an excuse that this is the man you should not only stay with, but with whom you should involve a child in this cluster ****.

 

It's for that reason I'd say you owe it to the kid who had zero say in being involved with this incredibly stable and promising situation to at the very least pursue some form of marital counseling. Obviously no one should be beholden to an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids, so if he's not willing to play ball or if arbitration simply doesn't work, you'd have the j.man stamp of approval required of all married couples if they seek to divorce.

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I sat my husband down and explained that I was very unhappy. Unhappy enough to consider leaving him. I detailed all the ways I felt our marriage was lacking (not blaming him, but simply pointing out things that were not working). I told him I wanted to find a way to work it out and that I was hoping he would want to as well. He told me he didn't want to lose me and that he'd do whatever it took to keep me and our family together.

 

However...there was no cheating involved. If there had been, the conversation would have been very different.

 

I would ask him if the marriage is important enough to him for him to work with you. Ask him if he wants to make an effort to save it. Perhaps he thinks everything is fine because you've accepted his poor treatment for so long. So you need to let him know in plain language how you feel.

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He cheated on me throughout our relationship since the beginning. However, he would deny eveything and blame me for being insecure. I was dumb enough to believe that. I kept forgiving him because I loved him. But the love was gone a month before I got pregnant. Before I found out about his porn addiction about 2 weeks ago, I did try to work things out with him. About a month ago I told him I knew he cheated, but that I was willing to forgive and forget since we have a child together. I also asked him to talk to me about things if he's not happy with me instead of cheating. I've tried other things to make it work as well...before and after the child was born.

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Thanks for all of your advice. Last night I decided to give it one last try since we have a child together. But this time, he has to earn my love and trust again. I'll propose to live separately for 6 months and neither of us can date anyone else. I'll expect him to act like he's courting me...asking me to go out on dates, taking the initiatve to hold my hand, etc. My goal is to bring that spark back into the relationship and make him relaize that family is #1...and also let him know I'm serious about leaving him if he messes up. What do you guys think?

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Thanks for all of your advice. Last night I decided to give it one last try since we have a child together. But this time, he has to earn my love and trust again. I'll propose to live separately for 6 months and neither of us can date anyone else. I'll expect him to act like he's courting me...asking me to go out on dates, taking the initiatve to hold my hand, etc. My goal is to bring that spark back into the relationship and make him relaize that family is #1...and also let him know I'm serious about leaving him if he messes up. What do you guys think?

 

Do you think you can get him to agree to make ALL the changes? What do you propose YOU change?

 

You can't come at him with all of this "YOU need to do this and that!" and threaten him with leaving and expect it to be well received.

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Don't discuss anything any more with him. Instead get to an attorney for a consultation and advice about your options and a therapist for emotional support and guidance. Talking at him and forgiving him is how you got here. More of the same will accomplish nothing but more cheating, disrespect, etc.

 

He has to miss you and get a jolt of what the consequences of cheating and disrespect are. That means you need to learn more about what's going on. That means he needs to miss you, not hear empty talk about separating, dating, holding hands, blah blah. As if he's going to turn into this guy you're seeing. If he was like that or wanted that he would be doing that rather than cheating, porn and disrespect.

 

Who is this guy you're seeing? That's an escape and a wake up call. But you need the expert advice of an attorney and therapist to get proper guidance. Do this on your own in private.

I'll propose to live separately for 6 months and neither of us can date anyone else. I'll expect him to act like he's courting me. My goal is to bring that spark back into the relationship and make him relaize that family is #1...and also let him know I'm serious about leaving him if he messes up. What do you guys think?
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  • 2 weeks later...

Just to give you guys an update...On NYE, I asked my husband for a divorce and I explained why. He asked me to give him another chance so I decided to just watch him. Ever since then, he's been really good to me. Now he's asking me to join him in bed again and asking if I could forgive him and focus on the future. The truth is I appreciate his effort, but he didn't try until I asked for a divorce...after 13 years of him cheating, lying, and neglecting me. Now I'm checked out emotionally. However, thinking of our baby girl makes me sad. I feel like I can forgive, but I don't think I'll ever forget. If I do stay, then I can picture myself thinking about what he did to me and I'll feel angry again. We are supposed to talk about our future tonight after baby goes to bed. I wanna tell him that our marriage is over and he can stop trying. There's just too much pain for me in this relationship.

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