worst xmas

[emptyeffort]

ima rant about my trash dad in this thread so ill try to keep his description as short as i can in a kind of list so you have context to the situation and my thoughts, so you can give yours a little better. posted here recently about feeling like a loser, living with my mum and brother and the plan is im staying to support them financially, because she doesnt have the money to move and my brother still only has his highschool diploma.

 

dad:

- never been a real dad to us,

- probably cheated on my mum in the 30 years of marriage

- had cancer like 10 years ago which is probably the main reason my mom didnt break up back then apart from her wanting to stick together for me and my brother and her being dependent on him financially

- since noone would hire him afterwards because of his age they made a restaurant together for 6 years

- afterwards the plan was for each of them to find a job. he, the piece of sh*t hes always been goes behind her back, steals 10000€ (the ONLY money she had saved up) and opens his ty pawn shop, which failed like everything else he tried to do (he went behind her back to open failed businesses multiple times because hes an egotistical trash human being who needs to feel like a boss rather than work for others and it failed EVERY time)

- at that point she was already about to break up but he sobbingly faked some regret and she stuck.

- only reason we never landed on the street is because HIS mum hooked us up with money when we needed it. which was way too ing often considering my dads over 60+ now and is still dependent on his ing mum because hes a loser (this all couldve been evaded by just taking a normal f*cking job, which he doesnt wanna do)

- my mum sees in a video how he cheats on her, she "breaks up". (literally if she hadnt seen the video she probably wouldnt have gone through with the breakup)

 

forward a few months, he still kinda lives here when shes at work and goes to sleep who knows where else. she doesnt wanna throw him out because he has no flat, (officially) no job and only a rented cellar with no bathroom or anything. he has an alcohol problem, lost his drivers license but keeps driving.

my mum is INSANELY compassionate and empathetic and now she feels sorry for that idiot. things arent moving along because she doesnt throw him out since shes so generous with giving him time, and he thinks he can play the time game because shes gonna forgive him sooner or later in his head.(because she always did before, but she wont this time) he also sees no fault in what he did, says it wasnt his fault and it "just happened" or smth, tho he even has to eat ing viagra to get it up, and calls her crazy for "still" not having things brought back to "normal" 4 months later.

 

as you guys can kinda tell i absolute disagree with her showing him any kind of "mercy" or compassion. with his reckless and egotistic behaviour he has endangered the family multiple times and now it turns out he also went elsewhere to f*ck after having stolen 10000€ and then going into debt once again. i never had a close bond to him because he was never there but now i hate him and i dont wanna see him anymore. in his mind he was gonna go out having fun elsewhere and have his wife care for him until he dies. basically have his cake and eat it too.(hes 13 years older than her) imo he has to f off as quickly as possible, its called karma and he brought the situation onto himself.

 

imagine my joy when i just found out that my mum feels too sorry to let him be in his cellar on his own on christmas and hes gonna be with us.....................................................................

 

i am beyond livid, especially because i kept telling her every day multiple times a day that i dont want him here and that i am not gonna be here if he is. i dont need a sh*tty christmas where noone says anything because its awkward and literally noone actually wants him there, me being in the worst mood because of it and he tries to act like he actually wants to be part of the family he never appreciated or gave a about just to keep living comfy with his wife caring for him.

 

 

 

im sry for the language but i had to get these thoughts out and those words help show my "feelings" on him and the situation. am i the assh*le here? i think apart from xmas going to be complete garbage with him, it also sends the wrong message making him think, that things are indeed going to go back to "normal" again.

 

i think shes WAY too soft and its a damn joke that hes still not out of our lives after almost 4 months. imo because she just doesnt throw him out, he has no incentive to actually try and get a new flat and just plays the time game (thats not an assumption, i know for a fact that hes trying to wait it out)

[saluk]

That's a lot to take in. I think if you don't want to be there when your dad is it is totally reasonable. There's no reason to force yourself to be miserable just because it's the holidays. Don't get any hopes up about sending any kind of message though. While your relationship or absence of one with your dad is up to the two of you, the way your mom feels about him and treats him, and how he treats her is their business.

 

A lot of anxiety comes from trying to get others to act as you would wish them to. Eventually you've gotta let that go, because you can only affect their actions to a very limited extent. Obviously, that's hard to do, especially with family members (even ones you don't think you are close to, like your dad). And obviously near impossible while still in the situation.

 

Have you thought of moving out, maybe sharing a place with your brother?

[emptyeffort]

Don't get any hopes up about sending any kind of message though.

 

me not being there is not about sending a message. the sending a message part i referred to was that my mom broke up and she will not change her mind about that. but her being so lenient and nice because she feels sorry for him undermines that and sends him a message of: "everything is going back to what it was" when that is definitely not happening.

 

as to moving out. i could move out, but BECAUSE of that new life situation with him im helping her out by staying with her and my brother. ill be "paying to stay" so that this appartment can be paid, because she cant move out with all her belongings because thatd cost a few thousand bucks that she doesnt have. me moving out just like this would also mean she would have to move twice, once with my brother and then when he can live on his own again to live in a smaller appartment on her own.

 

i cant pay for me and my brother to move out, and he doesnt have any qualifications to get a real job yet because he hadnt bothered to get an apprenticeship/college degree yet.

[purplepaisley]

Your mom is making her choices. They may be wrong, but these are her choices to make. You're putting a lot of blame on your dad, and rightfully so, but your mom is the one who keeps him on board. She won't leave him until she's ready to do so. Unfortunately, when you're in an abusive relationship, you get broken. You don't see your strength anymore, or your value. You feel stuck, trapped, and it's really hard to make that move to get out of it. It's expensive. You can be her support and guide her out of this, and in the meantime, you're stuck. You will have to interact with this man, or you walk away from the situation entirely, meaning you'll be walking away from your mom and other family. Your mom and your brother seem to be hanging on the coat tails of you and your income, rather than extracting themselves away from your father/her husband. Your mom may be broken and helpless, but your brother sounds plain lazy. You and your brother "could" tag-team and support your mother extracting herself from your dad, but it sounds like you'll have to carry the larger financial burden.

 

I'm sorry for your situation, and the reality is, if your mom won't sever the relationship, you're pretty much stuck with what with what you've got.

[emptyeffort]

your mom is the one who keeps him on board. She won't leave him until she's ready to do so.

 

its less that she couldnt deal with the situation yet or anything. its her being to good a person and her not wanting him to be on the street. she doesnt really grasp that what shes doing is prolonging this ty situation. he is here when shes at work and before she comes back he goes to his work and then sleeps somewhere else. either the garage he has or hes sleeping at one of his love interests. she has agreed with him being here on christmas day because (and i quote): "we cant let him be alone in his garage on christmas day". which i absolutely disagree with. i think he should be alone and not taint our christmas day. but she puts huge importance on such holidays and would probably take in all the homeless if she had the money to host something like that.

 

on the other hand his mum (my grandma) is also pushing for her to take him back (lol, isnt happening) and my mum wants to stay in good relationships with her since she has been more of a mother to my mum than her own mother was. which is arguably hard if you tell her son to f*ck off.

 

you'll have to carry the larger financial burden.

my mum has a job and makes more money than ill make when i start mine in january but she cannot carry this big appartment on her own. it is WAY cheaper for me to stay here and support this appartment than getting my own. my brother and me will both be paying part of the rent to be able to stay here. my brother will just be taking some part time job at a super market or something. while it is convenient thats not the reason im staying. its to support her and not have her hassle with moving multiple times and wasting money while doing so.

 

your brother sounds plain lazy.

he is. and he is also absolutely a carbon copy of my dad. hes as much a liar, thief (stole jewelry worth over 10k€ to buy drugs from my mum), deceives people and is egotistical as . hes my brother but neither i nor my mum really trust him. while ive been supporting my mum for the last 4 months and being her literal crutches as much as i can, he doesnt really give a , barely spends time with her. he absolutely comes after my father.

 

basically we are in this situation because the both over them stole well over 20k€ from her. money she couldve needed now to move and not have my loser father on her ass. what a duo.

[luminousone]

You have 2 choices:

 

You can stay at your mom's while accepting that she has her own life that you cannot control.

 

You can move out on your own.

 

Your mom's life is her own. Your mom's choices are her own, even if they are poor choices.

[maew]

You have 2 choices:

 

You can stay at your mom's while accepting that she has her own life that you cannot control.

 

You can move out on your own.

 

Your mom's life is her own. Your mom's choices are her own, even if they are poor choices.

 

This ^^

 

The unfortunate thing is that her kids are caught in the middle of all this :( I understand that you are frustrated and want what's best for her and for your family... and you want to be free of the chaos that your dad has been creating... unfortunately you are powerless to do anything about her choices.

[catfeeder]

Whenever I want to be helpful to my Mom, I recognize that she's a grown woman entitled to make her own choices regardless of whether I agree with them. I treat her respectfully rather than give her a hard time, and I behave my way into creating good memories for her on holidays or any other day.

 

While I don't appreciate seeing her get hurt by those she chooses to indulge, I won't pile on by voicing a reminder of how much I disagree with her choices. I put on my adult pants and do what it takes to help her enjoy our experiences, and in doing so, I tend to enjoy them, myself.

 

Whenever a parent won't give us what we want, we can bemoan that with mental temper tantrums that keep us stuck in our helpless child role, OR, we can step up and step out to create the life we want to live. We become a model for a new living dynamic that parent can opt to adopt, or not. But out finest launch of our own adult lives is doing our part to grow a higher perspective of what we can offer to our family members down the road.

 

Disposition can change everything. I'd start there, and I'd allow what's out of my hands to manage itself.